Extraordinary Mundane

Im not dead.

Just really really busy.

We’ve been hitting dog shows every weekend and it’s put a crimp in my free time. Add to that working, end of year PTA festivities, Tri training, Yoga, children activities, seeing friends and being a mother — and I have been one busy girl.

My dad’s mental capacity is deteriorating and that has been playing on my mind a lot. It’s very hard to be in the sandwich generation and yet be a big cheese 3000 miles away. Add to that that my dad’s mom had a heart attack this past week and she has dementia and it just makes for a bad sitcom plot.

I just had my annual bloodwork and I am anemic again. Also, that kidney stone they said I didn’t have? Turns out I do have one. PTH is still high too so that means Im not getting enough of one of the minerals. So I am dealing with some health issues myself.

Exercise wise I have been doing really well. Especially considering that i have anemia again. This week has been slower. I have missed several workouts but I am ok with it. Truth is, time is simply short this week with everything i have going on. I’ll probably get in 2 or 3… and I will be ok with that number for this week. I am still doing Yoga and loving it. I am considering dropping the Tri and just picking up more yoga. Or i might do both and just not worry about how I am going to do in the tri. Just look at the tri as a 2 1/2 hour adventure and not a race. Can I mentally get there?

Work is going well. Busy but ok.

Denali took 2nd and 3rd place last weekend and Emma took first and second in her shows. Emma is doing really well. We are enjoying it. This weekend we are home with no dog shows but we will be on the dog show circuit again for another month the following weekend.

PTA is going ok. My heart just isn’t in it anymore. I’m weary of compromise and leadership. At this point, for me it’s just pushing through to the end. Im burnt out. Budgets, stupid people, meetings and obligations abound. Im so over it.

The weather today was chilly and I am sick of it. When the heck is summer going to shine her sunshine on us? I need some sunshine!

I’ve spent a lot of my free time lately mothering my children through various friendship issues. Seems all my children are dealing with learning different lessons about friendship, self confidence and leadership. Noah pointed out to me today that he doesn’t like working in a group because some people on his team think they are right all the time but they are not. Welcome.To.My.World.Kid.

Lots going on in this head of mine lately. Maybe I’ll try to actually write something meaningful this weekend.

In Yoga, the teacher always talks about listening to your breath. Listening to your body. At the end of class when we are relaxing she tells you to recognize each lung and how they are moving. Are they moving together? Is your ribcage moving because of your lungs? Is your breath shallow or deep? Are you engaging your diaphram or not? Well of course my mind immediately jumps to what I think is the right way to do it. Better breathe deeper, longer exhales, etc. I want to be right and I want to achieve. There’s got to be a goal right? But she said tonight “observe — don’t change anything just observe it”. Don’t change anything. It was hard to not change my breath. With each thing she said… I felt like I needed to alter myself that what my body was doing was wrong. Not changing things requires presense for me. I have to realize that not only in yoga, but in my life — there can be goodness without change. How I am doing it is just fine. There is no need to alter course on EVERYTHING. And it hit me. I never observe anything. I always immediately to try to go what is expected of me or what I think is right…and then adjust. What does that person want? What would make them more comfortable? What will get me to my goal faster.

What would life be like if I observed first? I dont think observation is always needed to make the right choice — but in the process of confidence and security — it confirms trust. It’s almost a type of surrender for someone who always is in control isn’t it? I would have to believe that everything will be ok if I dont take control. I must believe everything will be ok if I don’t micromanage things. What kind of space would that create? What kind of peace would there be? As I observed my breath I realized that it’s not really doing anything wrong…. it’s just happening. My body knows what is right. Yes I can control it… and sometimes that control will bring me what I need faster. But sometimes… it’s ok to just let it happen. Just observe.

Exercise has amazed me over the past two years with the emotional, mind and body connection. Now I feel like Im finally getting the spiritual connection.

Thought for the day:

If you aren’t happy with something right now in your life — you are not practicing presence if you are simply staying focused on how you might make it better in the future.

Sorry I have been a bit absent. It’s been crazy lately. I have been putting in some extra hours at work, and there just aren’t that many free hours in the day. Here’s my current life snapshot right now.

PTA: It’s Budget time on top of everything else. I’ve said no to convention and several school “projects” that have come my way. I simply have to put limits on my volunteering time these days. There’s just no way around it. Im a pretty free place with regards to PTA. I don’t really care how my community is judging me. I am doing my best and I believe I am doing a good job. It’s liberating not to care what people think.

Work: I’ve put in 15 extra hours in the last 9 days. Doesn’t sound like much but it’s had a huge impact on my free time. There have been some issues at work that have taken up much of my time and are not “project based” so it’s been hard to manage my schedule. It’s been a struggle actually to make it work, but lucky for me my boss is pretty understanding and flexible and has approved extra hours that have taken away the stress of having to worry about not getting the work done. What’s interesting though is that this is the first time in a year that I have had to choose “what things aren’t going to get done” because there is simply too much there to get done. I like being busy though. It’s just a balance. And of course my work is on the computer so it’s so easy to get sucked into it ALL THE TIME. I have to really figure out the boundary thing with work. It’s difficult when there are these bigger issues. I think I have to just assume that now is a busy time and other times will be less and that is just the way it’s going to work.

Kids: I’ve spent quality time with each child lately and I am VERY proud of this accomplishment. Today I did crafts with my son. Yesterday I watched my daughter do dances. Day before I spent ½ hour discussing with my daughter how to win friends and influence people. We also spent time today as a family talking about interest and how “credit” works. I am LOVING being a mom right now. I am savoring the age they are right now and how much fun they are to be around.

Fitness this week:
I am loving yoga. I am stretching every day several times a day. I really listening to my body and really trying to tune into it. It sounds so hokey—but I believe that the mind/body/spirit connection is the next step in my evolution.

Here’s last weeks training log.
Weekend: Walk/Ran two miles. Wish I could run again without having to walk, I’m just not there yet. Oh well.
Monday 10 mins of warm up cardio- 30 mins of strength training on the legs. The squats killed my quads. It’s now Friday and I am just now feeling better.
Tuesday - Hour and half of yoga. She ran over and she kicked our ass. It was a really difficult class. I worked up a good sweat and my arms and core felt extremely fatigued afterwards. I swam ½ mile after class and barely made it. I was exhausted.
Friday 2 mile walk/run. Had to force myself. Still felt tired and had no energy. Quads still a touch sore.

Current house projects:
Noah’s room is painted and we have his new quilt. I’m waiting for curtains and I am working on his “Nintendo Mario Poster”.
John and I are working on the built-in kitchen in the back yard. Yes still. The entire cement block is done. We have to do the wood framing for the cabinets next and then I can start putting the rock facing on. We are hoping we can get that done soon. We are excited about using our new grill.
We installed a motion detector light switch for the kid’s bathroom. Their bathroom lights over the vanity use a bunch of bulbs. Now if they forget to turn off the lights (which they often do) they’ll turn off after 45 seconds.
John installed this awesome plugin that allows us to watch the Netflix on demand movies on our TV via our Xbox. Sweet!

Relationships
Things there are in an up cycle right now. I am currently thinking about the balance of friendships in my life and how much time I have to nurture them. It’s hard for me to be with people I am not fully committed to and I think I tend to keep people at a distance if I don’t feel I can be really authentic with them. I’m not sure this serves me in the long run… but there is a definite case of diminishing returns with friends. I can’t give even 50% to everyone… so what is the right level to give to people you care about? And what is the right amount to expect in return?
Does being close with someone give you a free pass to not put effort into nurturing the relationship if things are busy and you know they will love you anyway no matter what you do?

Spiritually
I’ve had some of the most amazing conversations lately about spirituality with friends. I have been meditating regularly – although I still haven’t carved out daily time. My latest thoughts have focused on suffering, attitude and joy. I wish I had time to mentally explore them via writing in my blog but alas I’ve been handcuffed by preciousness of free time lately.

Decisions that need to be made• House in Florida management changes and price issues. Should we? Do I need to go down there?
• Figuring out the summer schedule. Figuring out Emma’s trip to Florida.
• Dog showing. How much is the right amount? I don’t think I want to do as many dog shows as we are currently committed to.
• Summer schedule with work: How much time do I need to be with the kids? What time do I want to ask for off?
• Husband is considering a job change. Should we or shouldn’t we?

Next weekend Emma and I will be traveling to a dog show. We’ll be leaving Friday afternoon and coming back Sunday night. I’m a bit freaked out about what this is going to do my schedule. I tend to use the weekends to “catch up”.

The next couple months are going to be brutal. I am mentally prepared for it. And I believe that as long as I can keep a certain amount of family time and free time set aside for myself…. I am hoping I can do it with a joyful heart.

In yoga , it’s all about being present and feeling your body. For a girl who’s gone decades completely ignoring her body, it’s still very uncomfortable to have to answer someone when they ask me a question about my body. I realize that I am not really aware of it.

“Do you feel tightness?” (no I feel like I can’t move my body this way)

How does your skin feel? (huh?)

Feel your breath. (I feel out of breath and I hate these planks)

Feel. Feel. Feel. All that talk about feeling gives me the heebie jeebies.

How about think. Think I can do well. Feel. Not so much. I’m still discovering why I would even want to feel this body of mine. Feels old. That is how it feels.

And I dont like that there are simple things I can not do in Yoga. I obviously have ego issues.

And yes, I know… it’s a process. I am sure that me doing yoga right now is exactly what I need. I do know I feel better after doing it.

So — after yoga last night I swam ½ a mile. I stopped a little bit about halfway through for a 2 minute break. I was a bit tired, but not near like I was last week. I think even still, I am recovering from that freaking flu.

I wanted to go do something today but I just haven’t gotten up the gumption. I feel lazy today. I will tomorrow.

This morning I got up and came down stairs and my husband greeted me with the news that Noah was sick. I felt like I was going to cry. We just have had nonstop sickness in this house this winter. It has been so brutal. Dinara was sick during the beginning of the week and now Noah. But it got better. Around 9am he puked all over the floor. So yay! Fun for mommy. And sucks for poor Noah. He’s feeling a bit better but he’s obviously got what we all have had. Dinara on her on accord went upstairs today to read in her bed. (What did you do with my daughter?) And then fell asleep for 2 hours. So obviously… we are still trying to overcome sickness here. And mentally, these sickies are going to put me in the loonie bin.

Today is Emma’s birthday. She’s 11. I can’t believe she’s 11 of course. Every parent says that and it’s somewhat a cliché in a blog to say it. But it really seems like yesterday when I was bringing her home from the hospital.

I must go now… I still have that post on suffering rolling around in my head. I need to find time to put it into words. Maybe I’ll just write a few statements and break it up over time….