I woke up to an email from my mom this morning. It said they thought Grandpa might have Metastatic Liver Cancer. I’ve since talked to her on the phone and that is what it is. They did an ultrasound and the report described the tumors as “diffuse”.

My mom knew before he did. (She’s a nurse). Before the doctor came in she said something like “you wouldn’t consider surgery again would you?” And he said “maybe”. That surprised her. Then when the doctor told him, his reaction was “oh that doens’t sound good”. And my mom thinks that he probably wont even do the biopsy. It took him over 24 hours to stop bleeding from a fall… so he’s not really a good surgical canidate simply to evaluate the “stage”. It’s not like he would opt to do Chemo.

Metastatic Liver Cancer. Hearing the words, saying the words, typing the words. I swear I can hear a big heavy door slamming somewhere. Sounds like what I would imagine a door to a Morgue would sound like. So final. I don’t say that to be melodramatic, it just feels like that. It’s over. The guy is in his mid 80’s. He’s not a surgical candidate. The prognosis for even more then 6 months isn’t good.

I am so glad I booked tickets to Florida yesterday. We are going to head down there on the 19th and stay till the 30th. I decided that I was going to pull the kids out of school and head down there before I even knew what was going on. I am glad I made that decision now. I want to spend time with him. I want my kids to spend time with him.

I always thought I’d deal with the news of impending death of my grandparents better then this. I mean they are old. I know logically that they don’t have many years left on this earth. But I am still in shock from it. It feels weird. I guess I am trying to process it all.

Things I am worrying about:

• What if something happens while we are in Vegas for my sister’s wedding?
• How do I explain this to my kids
• What things can I do while we are in Florida that wont tax my grandfather but will help create memories for everyone.
• Are other family members going to go visit?
• How to make the most of the time he has left.
• How my mom is handling it.
• How she will handle being a round the clock caregiver
• How it will impact her marriage and her taking care of my dad (who has dementia and HIS mother living with them)
• How I can be a good caregiver while I’m down there
• Will my grandfather try to take his own life vs. deal with the suffering?
• When can hospice get involved?
• What about pain management
• How will Grandma handle all this
• How can I be a comfort to Grandma, Mom and Grandpa
• How long do we have
• I don’t want him to suffer
• How can we spend a lot of time with him without it seeming like we are on a death watch.

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