I’m very conflicted. My mom just called to tell me that in her estimation, my grandfather only has about 48 hours left max.

We have plane tickets for the 19th. Doesn’t look like Grandpa will last that long.

But the information is very conflicted. The parties who we are getting information from are in the throes of dealing with someone who is dying.

My mom has been pretty stoic through all this. Very clinical. She’s a former ER nurse and Hospice Nursing Supervisor so she’s knowledgeable. If anything, she’s almost too knowledgeable. It sucks when someone is so confident you simply can’t reason with them.

Mom said that grandpa is going to die in the next couple days. He hasn’t drunk anything in 48 hours. That he is just a shell.

Grandma said to my sister that grandpa might just be having another bad day. And that he has drank very small amounts. That he is talking to her at night asking for ice cream and CocaCola. If he’s asking for Coke, he’s not a shell right?

So what’s my main gripe? Well the main one is that pain medicine is still being given ORALLY instead of by either IV or via the muscle. The guy can’t swallow because he has Thrush so bad. So I think part of the reason he’s not drinking is because the Thrush is bad and his pain isn’t being adequately controlled.

Then we get to the whole dehydration thing. My mom, the former Hospice nurse, doesn’t want my grandfather to have any IV fluids because it prolongs life. Which I understand… but he would be DRINKING if he didn’t have the THRUSH. And maybe it would increase the “quality of life” at this stage of the game. He mentally isn’t in the end stages of Liver Cancer. He’s only entering the end stages because the Thrush is compounding the dehydration problem. He’s not going to end up dying of Liver Cancer (and yes, maybe this is a good thing) but rather he is going to end up dying of dehydration.

I totally believe and support the whole Hospice mission. I believe in comfort and I do not believe in prolonging my grandpa’s suffering. But the control freak in me wonders if there is a better way. I am the type of person who doesn’t accept obstacles easily. I want to try something and if that doesn’t work, try something else. I don’t just want to sit back and say “ok… well… we’ll just give up”.

I guess it’s a balance. I guess I have never been very good at balance.

I am considering getting on a flight tomorrow and flying to Florida to be with my grandfather. But truthfully, I am leaning towards not going. I don’t think I will have much to offer. There are TONS of family members there right now. I don’t agree with some of the methods and thus I think I would cause additional stress vs. being a calming force, my trip would cause hardship on my kids and husband AND finally… I think I am ok with it if I don’t get to see him alive one last time.

Related posts:

  1. Metastatic Liver Cancer
    2.    I woke up to an email from my mom this...
  2. Update
    3.    Noah is doing a bit better. I've been...
  3. Funny how things go
    4.   Grandpa is still with us. It's suprising,...