Ok be forewarned. This is one of those posts that I would read on someone else’s site and respond with “Don’t read so much into it. Let it go, everything will be ok with the perspective of time. It’s more about you then them.” But I decided to still put out there the story because it gives insight into our lives, what I think, what I feel, what I worry about being a mom of a family built by both biological and adoptive means.

This is a story of how my children did something pure and innocent that just might illuminate what they are thinking and feeling. And what they are thinking and feeling is not what I expected.

So my kids love Build A Bear Workshop. (BAB) Build A Bear is a place where children pick out an unstuffed animal, get it stuffed, give a heart, make a wish, buy an outfit and print a birth certificate. They adopt a stuffed animal. My children love this place. I think it rivals Disney World as the Happiest Place on Earth in their minds. So we are there spending our BAB Bucks from Christmas. There are so many different choices to make. And Dinara made the choice of a dog for her animal. Why you ask? (I’m so glad you did.) Because BAB dogs have magnets in their mouths and the puppies have magnets in the scarves around their necks. Thus a BAB dog mom can carry the baby. Isn’t that cute? Well Dinara picked out a pink French poodle. And then we walked over to the doggie accessories and puppies.

Stay with me here…. I’m getting to the point.

She really wanted the Labrador puppy. Not the poodle puppy. She hesitated when the Labrador puppy was in the poodle’s mouth. Just for an instant and Emma picked up on it. Emma pointed out that they didn’t match and the poodle dog should have a poodle puppy. I recoiled in horror and I quickly pointed out that perhaps the mom adopted the Labrador puppy. I glanced at Dinara and saw confusion. My heart hurt. Dinara looked back at me with such a serious expression and then put the puppy back and picked up the poodle puppy.

There were two things that bothered me here. Firstly, that Emma pointed out the difference and didn’t see a different puppy as “normal”? Aren’t mixed race families normal for my kids? Doesn’t Emma see that? I wanted to smack Emma for even pointing out the “differences”. I spend a lot of time pointing out what makes us the same with others not what makes us different. It’s a fine line to walk when you have internationally adopted kids. You stroll on the edge between honoring their heritage and what makes them different. While trying to reinforce that, in fact, the differences that separate us are much smaller then the things that make us the same. And it bothered me that Emma felt compelled to point out that the puppy was different. What difference did it make? Does Emma really think that the ideal is a puppy that looks just like the mom? My God, after all these years, haven’t my children gotten this lesson? It’s so important to me. Haven’t they gotten the whole concept that color, looks, the whole book by its cover thing? Hello. It’s not the outside that counts!!!

Secondly, it killed me that Dinara put the Labrador back! I wanted her to have the Labrador puppy and explore the miracle of adoption with her BAB. I wanted her to demonstrate our cool progressive thoughts on building families with her BAB. She didn’t have to conform to what was expected, ya know? Does she understand that being different is ok? I wanted her to proudly proclaim via her toys that there is more then one choice besides biological procreation for building a family. Ridiculous, I know. But because it’s so important to me, I just hoped for it. I can’t help it. I expected it. Because it’s so ingrained as part of our family culture. And sadly, maybe it’s not as ingrained as I thought.

I suggested to Dinara she take the Labrador puppy instead of the poodle. But Dinara just shook her head and said, “It should be the Poodle, Mom. They look alike”. MWAAAAAH!!!!

I let it go. Well, I let it go on the surface. They have no idea what a deep chord it struck with me. I don’t want Dinara or Noah to ever feel like adoption is second best. Not that they were saying that, but in my head, that’s where it went. Because Dinara thought the mom should be mothering the dog that looked just like her and that was obviously biological. That was what she thought was normal. That being “the same” or “looking the same” is important. My dear sweet children please know that biology and genetics are not important threads in the tapestry of love; they are beautiful embellishments but not necessary components for the actual fabric.

And it hit me. That even though what my kids look like isn’t important to me… it might be important to them. And I realized that by choosing the puppy that looked just like the mommy, I felt Dinara was making a statement that she underneath it all, might feel that way. And I would need to explore this. At some point. Soon. Maybe not just for them, but for me.

Whether it hurts or not, I need to better understand if I am reading too much into this. Is this more about me and my preconceived notions or is this reflective of how my children really feel about adoption versus biological children?

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