Play date politics is not for wimps. I think one of the hardest things I have had to learn while being a stay at home mom is managing the relationships of play dates. I suffer a lot of play date guilt. Why? Because I know I am not meeting the expectations of a gaggle of parents.

There are two tiers of playdates. And the transistion from tier I to tier II is painful. Tier I friends get me. They get that I am about quality not quanity. I can not see them for awhile and pick up just like old times. They aren’t needy and they don’t place a lot of demands.

But there are more Tier II people in my life then Tier I. Tier II are people you don’t see too regularly, and some people who would like to be elevated to Tier I in your friendship circle. They are people maybe you know from school or have seen at church. And they want to either develop a friendship with you or have their kids develop a closer friendship. And obviously, and unfortunately, they tend to be people who like play dates a whole lot more then I do I guess. Or see playdates the sole road to developing a closer relationship.

And I know you have this burning desire to understand why I don’t like play dates right? So let me tell ya.

Mirroring Parents. I admit it. I get weary of being accommodating to both parents and kids alike. Since my personality type is the kind that pre-thinks potential problems and tries to negate them early in the process, I feel like a robot on play dates. I have to always be “on” trying to figure out if the parent is ok or if we have style conflicts. So I tend to mirror back what they are. Especially for parents I have just met or don’t know well. I do this all on automatic, I don’t think about it.. but it’s very draining. I have to bend to their parenting style, I have to bend our rules, I have to keep my big trap shut on controversial issues. Blah. Draining. Would rather stay home and watch Oprah.

Forcing Kid Accomodation Kids are fickle creatures. They fall in and out of favor with each other. They go through phases. Sometimes, they are all lovey with a friend the next minute, they aren’t. I don’t sweat it. But some mom’s do. They get worried that little Sammy doesn’t like little Billy anymore. When if they would just wait a few days or weeks (or hours!), things would be fine. And wouldn’t it be nice if you could just call a mom and say “Uh… Lisa doesn’t feel like playing with Kelly for awhile because she’s irritating the crap out of her”. But no, that never happens. So you just explain to your kid to just be quiet, play with the kid for a couple of hours and make nice-nice. Welcome to the real world kid.

Time Suckers. Playdates are never 45 minutes. I’m a type A personality that feels like I have to always be accomplishing something. Wasting several days a week sitting around someone’s house watching our kids run laps, isn’t my idea of fun. And somehow, it’s considered rude to sweep the floor, fold laundry, sort out the Tupperware cabinet while Mommy Z is talking about why the spring dance is so important for a bunch of third graders.

Managing Sibling Issues We have several families where our kids match in ages. Sometimes we do play dates because I like the parents. Sometimes we do play dates because one of the little ones likes one of the kids. But rarely in a family of our size does everyone like everyone else at the same time. Someone always has to have some “give” and do the playdate even when they don’t want to and play with kids they don’t want to. For example. Young ones have a friend and an older sibling. Young friend comes to visit. Parent brings sibling. And it’s just assumed that my eldest will entertain the older sibling. Cause you know, the whole family is here. And although I’ve tried to just invite one, it’s very hard to say, “well to be honest my other kids would rather not play with your other kid so could you leave him at home and only bring the one we like today?”

Reciprocating Dates If we are invited for play dates, we usually go. But to be truthful, I don’t schedule many play dates. I don’t have to. My kids live on a street where there are 6 houses of kids to play with. When they come home, they want to go outside and play. We aren’t lacking for socialization opportunities here. And so I have felt that I have a host of parents who have had my kids over for play dates and want me to have their kids over. But I don’t wanna. And it’s very hard to come up with 25 nice ways to say “no thanks”. And I feel guilt when I don’t reciprocate. How do I get over that? Don’t you long for the days when there weren’t playdates? When kids just played outside together and it wasn’t some big social organized thing? ME TOO!

Parenting Style Incompatibility This is obvious. I am consistent with my kids. I set boundaries. They know the rules. If they break the rules, there are consequences for breaking the rules. Amazingly, many parents do not follow this philosophy. Amazingly, many parents, probably unknowingly, reinforce behaviors with their parenting style. It is energy draining for me with my big mouth to sit there and smile about how cute Jonnie is when what I really want to say is that Jonnie really needs is some firm boundaries and not cuddled when Jonnie doesn’t get his way. And then, just maybe, Jonnie won’t whine, pinch, throw, scream or cry so much because they get hugged when they are not getting their way.

Perfectly Involved Play Date Mommy I know it will surprise you but my overachiever personality doesn’t have an on off switch. I suffer guilt when one of my kids comes home with a kiln fired gold plated ornament that they made with XXX’s mom. And how their mom made all organic chocolate chip cookies. And then took them ice-skating. And to Build A Bear. And did a sleep over. And could Suzie come over next week and we’ll reconstruct the Sistine Chapel with Popsicle sticks?

No is Never Enough. You don’t want to go. You don’t want to drop them off. You just want to do your regular routine. No reason other then you don’t feel like it. Wouldn’t it be nice if it went like this: “Hello Kym? Want to bring over your kids for a playdate?” “Umm. Nope. *crickets chirping* Have a Happy Day!” {click} If it was only that easy. But everyone wants to know why you wouldn’t want to spend hours with their adorable children. You have to justify your decision. And somehow telling people that you just don’t want to, is never a good enough excuse. Although usually, Tier I friends get it. Usually.

So I struggle. I want to meet new people but I guess I have trouble feeling comfortable setting boundaries with people I don’t know that well. I’m still learning.

And still trying to avoid play dates like the plague.

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