The whole progression of dementia is not how I expected it would be. I had always thought that my dad would get lost. Would forget people’s names. Would lose track of time and place. That his dementia would focus around the nouns of life. People, Places, Things. But it’s been much subtler then that.

Today my mom told me how my dad is hyper focusing on things. The biggest issue is food. Dad’s brain thinks that Slim Fast and Graham Crackers are enough to sustain him. Indefinitely. And peanut butter. And that’s all. He can be refocused, but of course that takes a lot of time and effort. And he’s not the most willing participant because he feels that he is just exerting control over the one little area he still has control over.

My kind and gentle father isn’t really kind and gentle anymore. It’s like Alzheimer’s is a big magnifying glass and magnifies all his worst traits. And it doesn’t magnify his best ones. He’s obstinate. He’s moody. He’s grumpy. And those who have to deal with him day-to-day struggle to let go of the expectations of the man he used to be. Because that man is slipping away. And it’s hard… because 50% of the time he’s still that man. But when he’s not, you are angry because why can’t he act like he used to be? Logically you understand it, but emotionally, you are still angry.

One of the big shockers is that hygiene has been one of the first things to go. Needs lots of visual cues to remember to brush his teeth. Sometimes he forgets about toilet paper. Or to wash his hands. Ewwwe. He will get in the shower but will forget to use soap while in there. So my mom has to make sure at least once a week when he’s in there he uses shampoo and soap.

He’s paranoid. He thinks everyone is out to trick him. The people who write instructions are idiots and write them in complex ways to confuse him. The government is out to poison us all with pesticides and antibiotics. Whenever people are talking on the phone they are talking about him.

My sister is living with my father to help out. And she’s about to go crazy. My dad follows her around like a lost puppy. He’s sleeping a lot, but when he’s not, he’s very needy. He makes decisions then changes his mind. He told my brother in law that he could put a carpet in the garage. Then he told him to take it out, he couldn’t. Then he told him he could. Then he said he couldn’t to take it out again. Everyone is frustrated of course. My sister says even though you know he’s sick, you still can’t help but feel angry with him because it’s all so unreasonable. And then he gets very angry, and is unable to control his temper, because no one is respecting him. He realizes that things are different and the doesn’t command any level of respect because a lot of what he is saying is nonsense. He realizes he has Alzheimer’s. But the sad part is that it’s not progressed far enough for him to not care about what people think. He is in the no man’s land of realizing that people get he’s not normal… and there is nothing he can do about it.

He hasn’t driven in 2 months. My mom said if he doesn’t drive in the next month, she’ll sell the car. Seems ridiculous to keep it. A bright blue Mustang taunts her from the drive. No longer any practicality in having it’s merely a trophy reminder of what used to be.

My parents are going on a cruise in two weeks. I strongly encouraged my mom to go. It will be a good break for everyone. She has been mourning the loss of what her retirement with my father was “going to be”. There aren’t many months left where he will be able to handle the emotional toll of being in a ‘different place’. So this is their last hurrah. So sad that it’s a last hurrah at age 61.

Related posts:

  1. My Dad’s Progressive Dementia
    2.    My father isn’t the same person he was...
  2. Denial and Control: Coping 101
    3.   I’ll say one thing for family stress…...
  3. My mother anger
    4.   Last night my sister called to tell me that...