A friend of mine is in the midst of adopting and wrote me about some negative comments made by a family member who was adopted as a child. The comments were hurtful and struck a nerve. A nerve in a good way, in that it raises up the momma tiger in you and cements that this is the right decision, but bad in that it makes you look at things from uncomfortable perspectives.

The way adoption was viewed 50 years ago, is way different then it is now. But it hurt my heart to think that even today; there are people out there who are “anti-adoption” as a way to build a family.

As I am very active in the international adoption community, I thought I would put my response (slightly edited) out there. The main question is: do you have a stronger connection with your bio kids verus your adopted kids? Here is my letter:

I’m so sorry for the negativity you have to deal with right now.You know, obviously your aunt is very wounded. Obviously, there were things that happened to her that made her feel this way. Obviously, her parents didn’t protect her and shield her from this type of lunacy. And somehow, her parents didn’t communicate that their children were loved equally. It does not mean it will be that way for you!!! You are a wise, warm and loving person. You are educated. You are a good mom. This woman’s experience doesn’t define your experience. If anything you can learn from it. It’s good it makes you question… cause you grow from that right?

The bonding process with an adopted child is longer then with a bio child. It grows and changes just like any love relationship. I can honestly tell you with every fiber of my being… that I feel no difference in depth of love between my bio child and my adopted children. They are mine. One grew in my tummy the others in my heart… the biology makes no difference. John and I were talking about that horrible story about the mom who had two kids when the Tsunami hit and had to decide which child to let go. We both said that if Emma was one of the kids, we would have had to let her go because she’s bigger. Her “bio attachment” wouldn’t play into the decision at all. At all. Even in a life and death situation. (My biggest fear as a parent is how I would save all three kids in some natural disaster. I have dreams about it… it’s horrible.)

Anyway…remember that this story about your aunt is about HER perception too. Maybe her parents didn’t talk about their feelings. Maybe they didn’t describe their love for her. Maybe they didn’t tell her they loved her equally but different. Maybe they didn’t protect her from hurtful comments from family members. I’m sure if you explored her past, there would be other clues about her childhood that would point to “issues”.

Here’s something to think about along the same lines: If you had two bio kids, would you let someone in your family lead your youngest to believe that you loved your first born more because they were your first? Of course
not.

We actually demonstrated for our kids our love with candles. We talked about human’s unlimited capacity to love. We took a lit candle and had the kids light the other four candles. We asked them… when you gave the flame to the other candles…did the other flames get smaller? Did it diminish at all? That’s like how love is…. you can keep giving it over and over…and it doesn’t make you love other people less or make your supply of love smaller.

We also have “family day” which is March 11 each year. We go out as a family and celebrate. Emma, wishes SHE had a gotcha day. So that’s why we made it “family day”. It’s yet another way we show Dinara and Noah that they are SPECIAL and LOVED and us being all together is something worth celebrating.

Do you feel more connected to your child that has the same color eyes or hair as you do? Do you feel more connected to one that birthed vaginally versus caesarean? It’s the same for me with bio versus adopted. The method of delivery makes absolutely no difference in the depth of my love.

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