I think I suffer some major body image problems. What could possibly be the problem you ask? Well, I have no idea what normal is. And although this might look on the surface like a small problem compared to diabetes and being 160 lbs overweight… it’s now a problem that has the potential to define the here and now. Maybe my screwed up body image was part of the overall problem with obesity to begin with. So I think I need to address it in some way.

When I was really fat, I never saw myself as fat. I mean… I knew I was fat, but I didn’t realize how fat. In my mind’s eye, I was like “pleasantly chubby” but not obese. It skewed everything as I was losing weight. Cause it wasn’t like till I had lost over 100 lbs that I actually was really able to see the difference. Can you imagine, losing 90 lbs and looking in the mirror and not seeing the difference? It’s the really the reason you need before and afters. Because you have to visually compare to believe it - to buy in.

Now here I am at normal weight. Which is it’s own misnomer I guess. What the hell is normal? Got a cookie? I am 20 lbs above the ideal weight set by Metropolitian Life weight charts. Is this normal? My weight loss surgeon tells me to stop lamenting the fact that I am not at the us ideal and that this is my body’s ideal. (My bmi is 27) That former morbidly obese frames are heavier then the average 110 waif, from carrying around a lifetime of fat. But of course, since I lost over 90% of my excess weight, he see’s me as a stunning success. But how do other people see me? People who didn’t know me as obese. People who have been thin all thier life and haven’t stuggled with weight issues.

All my life I have defined myself by outside metrics. When I was working at a high profile company, I defined myself that way. My idenity was wrapped up in my job. When I adopted two kids internationally, I defined myself that way. When I had weight loss surgery, I defined myself that way. When I had to have a hysterectomy, I defined myself as a post surgical menopause person for awhile. Now… these things are fading into the distant past and I struggle to simply define myself by what is on the inside. Or understand what people see on the outside. If people don’t have the comparison of the fat girl… what exactly do they see when they look at me? A normal middle-aged woman? Amazingly, I’d be very happy with that definition.

What is normal for woman in her late 30’s? What weight is normal? Should I be spending my time trying to get to this illusive ideal or should I be working on accepting what I am and being happy with it? Am I considered chubby? Am I considered thin? I refer to myself as thin, but I have to admit when I am around people who are thinner then me, I almost choke on the words “normal” because I wonder if they are passing judgment on me thinking “Sweetie, you’d be normal if you dropped a few Kilos”.

I guess what I worry about is that I obviously was so screwed up when I was fat. I couldn’t see the forest through the trees that there was a problem. What if there is a problem still? Granted, a much smaller problem, but remember, I am an over achiever. I worry that now that I think I am thin, that I am really not. That I am still living in some weird disillusioned world where other people think… “Man… how can I get some of her kool-aid?”

So I wonder if I should be doing therapy or something. Actually, I don’t really have any desire for therapy. I simply would like someone to tell me the technique to get my body image in sync with real life… and validate I’m normal. Not fat. Not thin. Just normal. Finally. Normal.

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