So here I am. Nothing really to focus on in my life. No major life crises. No impending surgeries. No massive weightloss. No monumental life milestones like adoption or retirement on the horizon. Or death, we hope. So what’s a girl to focus on? God knows I cannot just “be here”. You know… just enjoying life. Savoring all the moments instead of trying to improve them. I am one of those people who just cannot do boredom. And if there is nothing exciting going on, I always feel bored.

But no… I must have something to improve. There must be some new major life metric by which to measure my success. Somewhere to direct my passion. What to work on next? Shall I use my forces for good or for evil?

A friend of mind suggested that I focus on becoming more emotionally available. Heh. This came right after I was lamenting the fact that I don’t get laid as often as I like. I don’t see the correlation between me being more emotionally available and getting laid more often… but if crying works as an aphrodisiac I am sure I can develop this skill. I told my husband about her suggestion and he laughed and told me to invite her over next time I am “losing it” so she can see just how unemotional I am and just how sexy it really is. He’s a funny guy that man I married.

Of course, I know there is an element of truth to what she is saying. I come from a family where there wasn’t much hugging or verbal I love yous. [cue violins] I work extra hard to make sure I am not making the same mistakes with my own kids. But I do know, that I am more like my mother then I care to admit. (Writing that sentence made me break out in a cold sweat folks.) And that fact shakes me to my very core. When I am upset, I tend to withdraw or detach. And the bigger thing is that I don’t let people comfort me. Ever. Well I did when I was younger, but at key times (secrets - I have secrets!) when I really needed the comfort, people let me down. So now I just don’t rely on anyone but myself. I show people just what I want them to see, never letting them venture into the “real stuff”. Emotionally, I am the queen of playing it safe.

See I really don’t know if I can do this. To me, even writing it out makes me sound like I’m some Dr. Phil Show hopeful. I abhor drama. It makes me uncomfy. So going down this road to Dramaville is about as appealing as having root canal. The price might just be too high.

And to be honest, I am skeptical of all this psychobabble stuff. I am more the type of person who’s like “give me a plan and I’ll follow the plan”. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. 12 steps? Bring it on! This over achiever will do 15 steps. But this whole relieving all the pain, feeling all the pain, sharing all the pain feels a little bit like a bad episode of Montel. Not sure I can go there, in real life or perhaps even here in my blog.

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