Mon 21 Feb 2005
Comfort Line?
Posted by Kym under Kids and Hubby
We had a nice mother daughter day yesterday. We first went to Applebee’s for lunch. And we had a long talk. She was quiet at first. Was sort of teary when I told her I didn’t understand why she was so sad. I told her I wanted to understand and talk about it. I told her if there was something wrong or she was sad, I wanted to try to help her figure out a way to solve it and make her feel better.
There really isn’t anything wrong overall that we can point to that is the cause of the change in behavior. At least it’s not obvious. It’s mostly that she just gets very frustrated and doesn’t know what to do. She gets mad when things don’t go her way. She gets frustrated people don’t listen to her and validate her. She is sensitive. So we talked about how it’s important to be calm. We talked about strategies for dealing when things aren’t going our way in a measured and calm manner. For example, when she gets a consequence she doesn’t like. Instead of yelling at me and crying about how she hates the consequence and perhaps even hates me, she needs to take a deep breath. Stop. Calm herself. Figure out what she wants and figure out the best way to get that across. For example: does she want no consequence? Does she want a different consequence? Did she not deserve the consequence? Then she needs to talk to us. Tell us feelings with words. Calmly. Style is almost as important as substance. These are hard lessons for a seven year old.
I knew she was listening because she asked me what to do when the words to describe her feelings weren’t nice. Like what about when her brother and sister are driving her crazy and she just wants them to shut up. She thought telling them to shut up was pretty clear in expressing her feelings. So then we got to touch on choosing gentle words. That it wasn’t just about being clear, but also about being calm, direct, measured and gentle. It was really a good conversation.
So now, when she starts to get upset we cue her with the words “Ask what it is you need to feel better Emma” This helps to remind her to calm down and then express what it she wants with words. So far it’s had mixed success. It was successful at dinner when Dinara was teasing her. Emma told her sister “your words are hurting my feelings Dinara… what do I have to say to get you to stop?” Dinara, not even knowing, was so disarmed by Emma’s vulnerability and asking her …. Said “nothing. I’ll stop Emma. Sorry”. MAGIC I tell ya! Last night Emma didn’t do her weekend chores since we were out shopping. It was bedtime and Daddy asked her “Emma you didn’t clean your room?” Emma started to cry and John said “Ask what it is you need Emma”. Emma calmed herself. Stopped crying. Looked her dad in the eye and said “Dad, I was out all day today, do you think I could get an extension till tomorrow to do my chores since it’s late now?” Daddy’s response: Sure. Whoot ! So far so good. Of course, it will be interesting to see what happens when her calmly asking doesn’t change the outcome…. But it’s a start.
However today at Toys R Us, she wanted a Tamagotchi and they were out of them and she couldn’t find anything else she wanted to spend her money on. So we dealt with multiple melt downs. In.the.store. She tried hard to control herself but she just couldn’t shake her sadness. What do other parents do in these situations? When you have a kid who’s crying in a store and they are very upset and it’s something out of your control? I comforted her, told her I understood how disappointed she was, but there was nothing we could do about it at the time. I told her I’d take the gift card and we’d go to another store. That calmed her down some…but even still she kept crying. And part of me was like “ok… it’s over. Get over it and move on”. I mean I just think I’m missing a page from the parenting 101 book. How does everyone else handle it? If you are all super lovey for lots of minutes isn’t that positively reinforcing the behavior? Cry and you get lots of attention from mom. Is there such a thing as too much comfort from mom when kids are sad? Where’s the comfort line in the sand? Anyone have any advice?
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February 21st, 2005 at 7:42 pm
I don’t have advice sinc I haven’t been in that place yet but I do know that Emma has the right parents for her to deal with her stress. I am continually impressed.
February 21st, 2005 at 9:16 pm
You guys are certainly on the right track. There’s no magic bullet. I think her emotions are a wonderful, even though not always comfortable for her or you. The incredible upside is that she is passionate. Passion is a wonderful thing. While we all have to learn balance in all things including our emotions, remember that passionate people like Emma make the world sparkle and shine.
February 21st, 2005 at 9:25 pm
wow…you pose a good question…I feel the exact same way about the expression of my oldest child’s wild emotions. I try diligently to HEAR him and allow him his moment to express…but then I feel very much like saying, “alrighty then…that is IT…you’ve stated your feelings and felt them already!” I’m gonna watch like a hawk to see how you deal effectively with this…I need to learn.
February 21st, 2005 at 9:29 pm
No advice here… but lots of admiration and high fives for all you are doing now. You rock as a mom!
February 22nd, 2005 at 6:54 am
I’m in awe of your parenting skills. I don’t think you’re missing anything, she will need a little time to adjust and plus she is only 7.
But me… I’m very quick to jump to “get over it already”. I admit I don’t deal well with whiny meltdown situations and the first whine would have had us out of Toys R Us faster than you can say “no more drama!” I know I shouldn’t do that because it’s forcing the kids to suppress their emotions, probably too much. Actually I guess I only do that in public places, they are allowed to be semi-rotten at home. hehe
I say you are doing fabulous and if you reach the “get over it” stage, let her know. I think it’s reasonable to have a limit on your patience, especially if you warn her beforehand. Because we all know the rest of the world isn’t as patient.
February 22nd, 2005 at 8:21 am
Kym… I’m proud of you, you did GREAT! So great in fact I am going to use your line. It’s a lot like that “receptive listening” I learned in my Virtues course - a lot. It’s just really deep listening and validation, where a “cup emptying” question leads to an answer, then another cup emptying question, then so on and so on. The big key for me is to NOT rush in and try to advise but to let them come to their own conclusions. That’s REALLY listening.
Great work, Mom!
February 22nd, 2005 at 1:33 pm
Whoa! You got a book? No fair! (how’s that for straight-from-the-kids vocab?
We are dealing with frustration issues here too. The problem for us is that everything has always come so easily for her. Now that she is getting into different activities that challenge her, she has trouble working through the frustration.