It’s during times of great trial that you see people’s true colors. And when the times of great trial are with your family, the true colors are usually in the form of a glaring white bright light. Coming from a big mirror. And the reflection glares right in your eyes and travels deep down to your soul sometimes. And oh let me tell you. It burns.

My family is not good at the whole support thing. Everyone’s MO is to never appear needy. Never actually be vulnerable. Just retreat into your quiet space and when you come out of your funk, pretend everything is ok. We are all so good at it. Masters.

We all learned this very early. It’s been passed on for generations. I know as a mom, I am trying to break the cycle with my own children, but let me tell you… it’s not easy. It requires that you believe that a person will be there for you no matter one. Not “detach” when the going gets tough. It’s very hard to break the cycle of detachment. Detachment works so well. But those around me pay such a high price for this coping skill…

Anyway….

One would think at times of death that my family would reach out. I mean we do all love each other. We do. It’s just that some of us have trouble showing that. And others of us have trouble accepting demonstrations of that. So it’s really a dysfunctional dynamic in which to try to support someone. Then you add to that all the years of emotional baggage and people’s idiosyncrasies. And God. Hey, I’d like to go ahead and use my “Get out Hell jail free” card.

Of course I like to think that I have evolved past them. That I, can accept help better then they can. But in truth I don’t. I mean I can accept it better from other people. But from my family? Oh no. I practice detachment from them with a capital D. I mean hell, I live 3000 miles away from them all so I can be in full retreat mode all the time. But I am better at giving… but I just need one of them to be better at receiving.

Anyway, in talking with a friend today, they asked me what I would want from my family if I was sad and suffering. What could my family do to make me want to accept their support during a difficult emotional time?

I’m not sure of the answer. How does one overcome 30 years of baggage? Well I have a quick answer. I’d want them to leave me the hell alone and let me be. But that isn’t the right answer now is it? The right answer, the healthy answer has something to do with unconditional support, being non-judgmental, reaching out, and actually showing emotion.

*sigh*

(makes notes to self)

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