Tue 5 Apr 2005
Parenting Weary
Posted by Kym under Kids and Hubby
I am parenting weary. Does that happen to anyone else?
Emma could try the patience of any saint. She is smart, she is sharp witted, she is manipulative and she is argumentative.
Damn this gene pool.
More then anything, I know what she needs is gentle, firm, consistent parenting. She really needs to understand that she has to respect authority and treat other’s with respect. How do I know this? Because I had this exact problem when I was growing up! She needs me to “realign” her expectations when they get out of whack. Like when she thinks the whole world should be revolving around her and her choices. That’s my job as a parent right? I need to guide her. And even if I think the job sucks right now, I still have to do it. No matter how weary I am.
I need a cheerleader.
I need validation.
I need… some chocolate.
This morning, was a complete test of wills and truthfully, I was worn out by 8am. It started with the fact that she didn’t put the stuff away she was told to do yesterday. Her brother and sister got into it and Emma was furious about it. Which resulted in her calling them names, screaming, yelling, etc. Much drama ensued. It was not pretty.
And as a parent, I really didn’t know what to respond to first. The 15 minutes were just chocked full of learning opportunities.
1. I can teach her that there are natural consequences to not putting your stuff away.
2. I can teach Dinara and Noah about not touching their sister’s stuff.
3. I can consequence Emma for screaming at me for not doing what she had hoped (consequence Dinara and Noah to the level SHE thinks is appropriate)
4. Emma can get a consequence for not controlling her emotions around the whole situation.
And this is just one thing. Just a small snapshot of the morning. It continued.
Then Emma comes down stairs and calls her brother a name. A very mean name. I could have ignored it, but I didn’t. Ignoring it would have been easier… but then Emma learns that it’s ok to use her words to hurt people. Have to be consistent. So… I put her in timeout. But she has to be ready for school in 15 minutes. I have two other kids I’m struggling to get ready. Don’t have time to deal with Emma really. And I tell her no leaving timeout till she apologizes. She says she doesn’t want to apologize and she’s “digging in”. Can’t brush teeth in timeout. Can’t get backpack ready. Can’t finish eating breakfast. Fine. I’ll take the other kids to school and she can sit there. But who’s really getting punished here? Finally she apologized. But I just didn’t think the consequence really had any effect. I need something more powerful then timeouts.
Although really, I’m not sure I do. I think if I really was consistent and put her in timeout EVERY SINGLE TIME she was mean, the timeout would be effective. I really need to work on this.
I’m just weary. It just seems like at every turn, there’s this lesson I’m supposed to be teaching. And if I don’t point it out and get them to acknowledge it, then I’m not being consistent. And all my kids need me to be that. And so I’m here complaining. I’m sick of being consistent.
So much for being a parenting over achiever.
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April 5th, 2005 at 11:56 am
Honey, give yourself a little break. Emma is what? Eight years old? You have 10 more years to teach her to be a reasonable human being, and even if you don’t make the deadline, she has the rest of her life to learn this skill for herself. It’s okay if you’re not perfectly consistent. Eventually she’ll learn this skill from example, from dealing with real-life consequences, and the consequences you dole out. But you are not the only way she’ll learn it and you don’t have to beat yourself up about not being a perfect parent. Okay?
April 5th, 2005 at 11:57 am
Genuine Girl and Emma should never be allowed to meet. They are way too much alike. I keep telling myself this is a trait that will do her good in the long run…if she survives.
Hugs and chocolate coming your way!
April 5th, 2005 at 1:16 pm
Having experiencd Emma in all her glory and tantrums…I certainly can feel for you. True it will all eventually fall into place and she will learn. However, in the meantime there are four other people involved in her stress …stay firm and especially consistant…it is a hard one, but worth the effort. Unfortunately, when she is punished…you feel like you are being punished as well. Ah, motherhood…its still a great thing…just knocks the socks off of you every once in a while. Smiles and hugs…Rosemary
April 5th, 2005 at 2:30 pm
We’ve given up on the marble jar (which I know we’ve talked about before) and moved on to the Consequence Jar. She helped fill out the little slips in there, herself, so nothing is a surprise. Some of the consequences she really doesn’t mind–an extra chore, for example. But some of the consequences seriously bite. Lose a playdate, or lose an item of MY choosing for an entire week. It’s the Russian Roulette of punishment. Lord knows I haven’t seen it having any sort of major power to deter her, yet, but she DOES NOT LIKE IT. And my life is so much easier when I can just stop, look around, and say, “That’s not acceptable. Go pick a consequence.”
April 5th, 2005 at 9:32 pm
I love Mir’s idea of a consequence jar! I always try positive reinforcement first but sometimes that just doesn’t cut it. Sami is almost eight and I’m beginning to see these traits coming out in her. It’s not easy or fun around here and I’m sure you would say the same thing.
Sending you all the leftover Easter chocolate. I certainly don’t need it sitting around here, tempting me.
April 5th, 2005 at 11:40 pm
Kym, I think you qare a wonderful parent and folks are right, give yourself a break. I so see me in a feew years when I read about your experiences. I am so the same way in my “I MUST ALWAYS BE a CERTAIN WAY” style. You know what? SOmetimes even you make mistakes and *gasp* are allowed to get tired and be weary. Parenting is hard wook! What you need is another spa day. Take me!
April 6th, 2005 at 5:11 am
oh, sweetie, your house is MY house on school mornings! i SO hear you about being totally wiped out before 8am! i can take the first 8-10 violations, but after that i am NOT going to take any more learning/teaching oppotunities, and the boy’s butt is going DOWNSTAIRS until he is fit to interact with society again. weary is the word. every minute of every day lately. double blessings for me and for you!
April 6th, 2005 at 5:12 am
one more try *opportunities* there
April 6th, 2005 at 5:53 am
Whee! I have the male version of Emma at home.
No, I have two versions, a seven year old and four year old.
Sounds like you are doing great, since you still see teaching moments and aren’t automatically just reaching for a baseball bat.
April 6th, 2005 at 7:39 am
I hear ya…parenting weary…for sure around here. I have to remember…it is what I am “CHARACTERIZED” by, not the “weak moments” that matter