How do I spell dysfunction?

M-Y - F-A-M-I-L-Y!

Dial back a week. My grandma had her son and their kids visit. Her son, a chef, took the rack out of the oven and put it up against the wall. My grandmother, who bruises easily and is in her late 80’s, hit up against it and it fell on her leg.

Fast forward to a few days ago. Cellulitius has set in. She has a huge hematoma. Gramma can’t walk on it.

Last night (few nights ago now, this post was written earlier), my mom called me to tell me that her mom, my grandmother, is in the hospital. Infection set in and they had to operate. Gramma now has a big gaping wound to her bone that will have to heal from the outside in. Long slow process. And let’s face it; this isn’t the kind of thing a person in their late 80’s bounces back from. I’m very concerned. There is a chance she might not make it.

And my mom goes on to tell me that her sister has flown down from NJ. And that she’s been at the hospital for more then 48 hours. I give her the appropriate validation on what a good daughter she is and how we all appreciate how she’s helping Grandma. She loves being in the middle of a medical drama. I can’t describe it. It’s like some scaled version of Munchausen by proxy …but that’s another post.

And then I ask if they have told Robert. Robert is the one who left the thing out of the oven. Nope. Not going to tell Robert. In their view, why burden him? Why make him feel guilty? My view: What if she dies?!! Mom rationalized it all away by telling me they will tell him if “it gets that bad”.

It all comes down to that they don’t want to tell him because they do not want to deal with the emotional fallout that telling him will bring on. Avoid emotion at all costs. That is my family.

I can’t stay quiet about this. All I said was “Mom, you guys should not withhold medical information from the other children. He has a right to know!” And she sighs and tells me how tired she is and how she doesn’t want to go into it and how she didn’t call me for a lecture. She said, “Grandma doesn’t want him to know”. Well… too freakin’ bad! They are making the decisions now… Gramma is on Dilaudid. Just tell him!

My family pulls this crap all the time. They use information like power. They distribute the information based on how they think it will be perceived and how difficult it will make their life for others to have it. If it’s information that is going to illicit an emotional response, they opt to not share it. The emotional response can then be avoided. They don’t think of the long-term consequences of their “dole it out as you see fit” mentality. They don’t think about how their choices make other’s feel. They don’t think. They don’t feel.

My grandmother is close to being septic. She has periods of lucidity right now. Maybe if something happens, and my mom told her brother now…he would have time to make sure to talk to Gram before she isn’t able to tell him “it’s ok, I don’t blame you”. Time is the gift here and it’s the gift that my mom and her sister are taking from their brother.

I’m trying to not “be involved”. I count my blessing everyday that being 3000 miles away makes it all the easier to detach. But it’s still not easy.

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