Wed 4 May 2005
Too Many Connections?
Posted by Kym under Inside my head, Relationships 101
I wonder if this might be admitting too much truth on my blog… but sometimes I am overwhelmed by the number of people in my life who need touched in some way by me. I am really trying to explore my feelings about how I feel overwhelmed by all the little touches. There is no one person who is making these demands, but it’s the cumulative effect they have on me. I think that because there are so many of them, that I realize that they impact my ability to be present 100% for the people I do care most about. I can’t give them as much because I’m too busy.
Other then my husband, kids and best friend (and their needs don’t deplete me) here’s the list of people in the last 72 hours who required at least 5 minutes of my time off the top of my head:
The cruise guy
The air conditioner guy
11 different people from the PTSA
My grandmother two times
My mother two times
My sister
My cousin
My mother in law
Two neighbors
A neighbor who had surgery
3 people from my weight loss surgery support group
A couple dozen people from my online adoption group
2 emails about adopting from Kazakhstan
1 email about adopting from Guatemala
2 emails from college friends
4 emails from people asking about my weight loss surgery
7 emails from bloggy friends (no counting comments)
46 emails about our house in Florida
1 email to our school principal
4 mother’s day cards sent
2 thank you cards sent
23 emails I should have answered in some way but I just ignored
2 conversations in front of the school with different people
4 birthday party RSVPs
And truthfully… I just typed out that list without much thought other then a quick count in my inbox to make sure the numbers were close to accurate.
Of course many of those people I don’t care about, but many I do. I feel like the sheer number of people I don’t care that much about greatly impacts the quality of care for the people I do care about.
Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel “controlled” when a friend says “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile give me a call?” Because then it becomes something you have to keep in your mind and have to eventually deliver on?
I probably need therapy to sort through all this. But it seems strange to me that someone who values friendships and relationships as much as I do… feels such an overwhelming weight trying to maintain them. Managing them should bring me joy. Instead, it feels like a chore.
Anyway.. it’s just something I am thinking about. I’d love any thoughts from my readers on the matter.
Related posts:
- Lonely Little Girl Achievements This is an exploring historical feelings...
- Evaluating Relationships I agreed with most of the advice I got on...
- Not motivated I’m not in the mood to train anymore. I...
May 5th, 2005 at 1:16 am
Hm. Good question. Sometimes when someone says something like that to me I remind then that the phone works both ways. But honestly I cannot say that I feel obligates to anyone except my family. My friends are much more flexible than that and honestly don’t need me calling them or entertaining them or whatever all the time. And right now, at least with my St. Louis friends *I* am the one keeping up the friendships. There is something odd about moving out of that city in that no one seems to be capable of keeping in touch with you once you’ve left it. It’s happened to several people I know, it’s as if they don;t realize that the phone cen call other cities or that email reaches us just the same when we leave. Odd, no?
But I do try and remind them that I am not the only one who can call, and since I have Vonage, that if they want to call me they can call and I’ll call them right back and it won’t cost them anything. It’s interesting how people want YOU (collectively, not specifically you) to be the one to keep uo the friendship. That is frustrating at times and then does begin to feel like a chore now that you mention it.
Has this been any help?
May 5th, 2005 at 6:22 am
Is this just an odd time for you in email land or is that amount pretty regular?
I understand you can’t cut much of that out of your life but if it’s possible, I’d do it. Make up a standard email to handle groups of emails on a subject like the adoption questions. Say you don’t have time to personally respond to each question but here are some great sources (books, websites, etc). Copy & paste from the saved Word document and send!
I’m probably too hermit like for your tastes but I don’t like people demanding that much time from me. I don’t get involved that deeply in those activities and my friends/family are respectful of my time. I only get emails on SAHM stuff through my blog and I take way too much time to answer them if I ever do. (bad, bad blogger, lol)
Life is too short to do for others unless you really want/need to.
May 5th, 2005 at 6:53 am
Hmm? Oh, sorry, I was busy cutting and pasting everyone else’s answer into a word document. Good stuff.
I’m probably not the best example, as I’m very turtle like and retreat into my comfort zone when the world makes too many demands (and it doesn’t take much, some days)
The upside is I tell myself I’m comfortable and I don’t have to deal with all these things. The downside is everyone else thinks I’m a reclusive jerk who won’t get involved.
Can’t win, but try and strike a balance anyway.
FWIW…
May 5th, 2005 at 8:12 am
This is exactly why I was so glad my phone was out of order yesterday! Seriously, I am trying to be better about saying things like “let me get back to you in a few days, or in a week, … or never!” and I have been practicing the grand “no, I am unable to help out.” I hope things quiet down for you very soon.
May 6th, 2005 at 8:36 am
WOW. You are a busy woman. I’m on the quiet end of the spectrum so I don’t think I’ll be any good with advice on this one.
Just prioritize things — and stay focused. Best wishes…
May 8th, 2005 at 11:48 am
I’m not a phone person so when I do pick up a phone, it’s probably because someone I care about asked. (Email or IM is my preferred contact method.)
As for connections, yes, sometimes having connections to so many people can be draining. But it’s also uplifting.
I hope you find balance soon.
Happy Mom’s Day!