This is very honest, but not very well written. More for the therapy versus writing for the audience.

• I miss the anonymity of blogging.
• I wish I could figure out why I am sad.
• I feel overwhelmed by all the things I have to do.
• I view each time I have to deal with a person even in email, as a Herculean task.
• I wonder if I am depressed.
• I feel like I can’t accomplish anything.
• I feel like a hamster on a spinning wheel.
• My marriage and important relationships are on autopilot and that makes me feel uncomfortable because I know I should be prioritizing them higher.
• I don’t understand how other people can do friendships and volunteering and church and all their kid activities without feeling completely drained and lost.
• Someone close to me is suffering profound infertility sadness and it’s really effecting me.
• Someone else close to me, who is very young, is facing a tumor biopsy Monday and that has me very afraid.
• My husband is having another CAT Scan and contrast MRI today to figure out what is going on with him.
• Emma has surgery on Thursday to take out her pins.
• I have to figure out what I’m going to do with Noah since I have to be in Seattle and I don’t know if I’ll be back.
• I feel fat.
• How I know something is really wrong with me is because I am making piss poor food choices. They are better then they were 2 weeks ago… but I am definitely using food to deal with the stress in my life.
• I had an “issue” with someone who was a friend, and I really put my feelings out there to explain to this person how I felt. This person apologized, but that was it. It was sorta like… ok now that I have apologized, everything should be ok even though this keeps happening. So now, I am avoiding this person. And I can’t avoid this person because I have to work with them. And the whole fucking drama is very draining.
• I can’t seem to get ahead of my to do list no matter what I do.
• I’m worried about money. I hate that more then anything.
• I am loaning my sister money for her house. I guess it’s stressing me out a bit.
• I really feel like my mom is neglecting my father in favor of taking care of her mother.
• I feel like my mom is neglecting everything – including taking care of herself.
• No one else in my family really wants to deal with this problem.
• I don’t either to be honest.
• My mom is making a decision to amputate her last toe or persue a procedure that will cut the tendon and cause her toe to “flop”. Since she’s already unsteady on her feet, I think this option is simply ridiculous. I’m trying to get her to slow down making the decision.
• I am avoiding talking to my mom.
• Yesterday when I called my mom said “you never call me”.
• Hello? Self preservation mode here.
• My friend from down the street “dropped by” the other day.
• I hate that. Call first.
• Another neighbor gave Dinara 2 full bags of gorgeous clothes.
• I love that.
• But now I feel like I owe her.
• I hate feeling like I owe everyone.
• I therefore just want to be in my house not racking up “I owe you points” to anyone.
• I dread when the phone rings because I don’t want to talk to anyone.
• Again… am I depressed? I am not sure. I think this is just who I am.
• I just tolerate it better normally.
• I have a babysitter coming for Saturday so I can take John out.
• I wish John would take ME out and arrange this stuff. Irks me that I am always having to play cruise director for the family.
• There was something on Oprah that rang true for me a week ago about my mom.
• That if you acknowledge the problem, then you have to do something about it.
• And it hit me that not only does my mom do this…but I do it too.
• On this volunteer project I’m working on, I don’t want to get input from other people because I don’t want to have to act on what problems they find. If I don’t see the problems, then I don’t have to do anything.
• The realization that I am like my mother chills me to the bone.
• Researching stuff can paralyze me. I have to have enough information to feel confident about a decision. This works well if the information all says the same thing. But if it doesn’t then I have to research more. Especially if it involves money.
• I still haven’t made my plane reservations for Florida.
• I wonder if I am resisting because I really just don’t want to throw myself into the fray of chaos down there.
• My garage is a mess. It saps my energy every time I walk in from the car through all that crap. And it irritates me to no end that I am the one who is going to have to do something about it.
• I got a great deal for a stay at the Westin in Maui. Except I’m so overwhelmed by everything else in my life I can’t plan another vacation. And yet I know if I don’t do it, it won’t happen.
• I have to run pick up my blood work order and go buy two birthday presents today.
• I’m hoping it’s sunny so I can walk a little bit. I am sick of being cooped up in this house.

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