Emma is getting teased at school for her weight. It’s happened all year, but it’s gotten worse lately or Emma can no longer hanlde it. I sent the email below to the principal, teacher and counselor at school….

If you are a parent of a “normal weight kid” please take time today to talk to your children about the power of words and how it’s not good to hurt people’s feelings just because you can. Actually educate your kids that there are many different body shapes and “normals”. Let your children know that it’s not ok to hurt someone’s feelings.

Mean kids suck.

Hi,

I thought I would write and let you know that last night we had a very emotional few hours with Emma. Many tears, her talking about her inability to cope, how poorly “this” was making her feel and how much she wants us to pull her out of school. Shocking words from a child who holds it together at all costs and loves school.

“This” would be described as “people calling her fat”. Kids on the playground, some kids in class, kids in the neighborhood… it’s not just school, it’s a wide net and it’s really effecting her self esteem. Of course, I’m writing to talk to you about what is happening at school, make you aware of the issue, and ask for your help.

Understand that I was an obese child/teen so I know exactly how Emma feels. I dread the coping skills and emotional armor she is going to have to build to deal with the cruelty and ignorance of others. We have talked many times about not letting things people say about you define who you are or define how you feel about yourself. But let’s be realistic, there is only so much we can do. She’s eight. Eight year olds don’t have the defenses that adults do. Many 40 year olds I know still take things personally.

We have talked about how to deal with the comments. But truthfully, for her, she simply gets so upset and the comments are so “shocking” she just retreats from it –praying it will stop. She feels like someone has hit her with a sledge hammer and she’s stunned. She doesn’t want to draw more attention to the comments by reacting even when she feels she can. Her pain is turning to anger… and I am worried about how she is going to use anger to defend herself. Anger is delayed right now. Now it’s just pain she feels. She ignores it till she is home then she falls apart.

These comments…. People calling her fatty, Emma Santa, etc, are having a huge effect on Emma. Emma is VERY motivated to lose weight and has actually lost 9 lbs over the last 12 weeks. However, because the comments are STILL continuing, I’m worried that she feels she needs to take more drastic measures. She spoke last night of eating only carrots as a way to get less calories. I’m worried that no matter what her weight, she’s going to give credibility to these misguided mean kids.

As her parent, I take full responsibility for trying to equip her with nutritional information, education on exercise and moderating her behavior around these items. Long term we are going to work to solve a weight problem. But she is never going to be a super thin kid. I wasn’t — and her “normal” isn’t going to be the waify ideal the kids get bombarded with in the media. So even if she loses weight this summer, she needs to still understand that what people say about you, is just their opinion. What they think is “normal” or “right” doesn’t necessarily mean it’s correct. Let it go. Try not to let it hurt you. How do I best equip her? I need some help on helping her deal with how to protect herself from prejudice and abuse. To me, this is just as hurtful and potentially damaging as if someone was kicking her or punching her on the playground. It’s sad, but fat comments are a more “accepted” form of bullying right? I grapple with helping her to be both proactive and thinking that there is also some responsibility to teach these kids that this is not appropriate behavior. I’m not sure what I should be telling her other then what we have already told her. Currently she is outwardly managing things in a very mature way… but how much longer can it go on? How much can one 8 year old be expected to take?

I’m open for advice. Actually, I’m flat out asking for it. I’m profoundly sad for the pain Emma is feeling right now. I’m not sure there is an answer here. But either way.. I wanted to let you know what was going on. I know it’s the end of the school year…. And this problem isn’t isolated to simply one or two children that you can just “pull into the office and talk to”. It’s more about the age of the kids, learning they have power with words, societal programming, etc. There are no easy answers. But I am hoping that we can collectively come up with some way to deal with this problem before there is a lasting impact to my daughter.

At the very least, I wanted you to beware there is a big problem here.

Thanks in advance.

Warmly,
–Kym

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