I had an interesting conversation this morning with my mother. We were discussing how her sister was moving down to help with her mom and how Grandma is a bit stressed by it. Of course it’s a big change and my mom does things for my grandmother that her sister probably won’t do. Things like doing her hair and cooking nice meals. Her sister just doesn’t have the same skill set.

As the conversation progressed, I made mention that even though her sister was going to be here, it didn’t mean that she wouldn’t be around to help Grandma. I mentioned that perhaps Grandma was worried that things would be like they were before, before she was dependant. That perhaps, Grandma thought that mom was viewing her sister coming down as a “get out of service free card” cause my mom never visited my Grandma to maintain the relationship before. My mom got all huffy and chimed in that she visited at least once a week. I suppose she got a bit more upset when I used the words like “delusional”. I don’t know why I picked this to go into now… really I don’t. I regretted it as soon as the words were out of my mouth.

My mom insisted she visited her parents regularly. I softly and calmly asked her to not get defensive but pointed out she did not. Not until they were needy. Not till she thought there was something she could fix, or they were dependent on her like when Grandpa was dying. I pointed out to her that Grandma had even discussed with me several years ago about how mom only lives 2 miles away but she hadn’t seen her in a month. I told mom that Grandma was hurt by that, felt that my mom didn’t want to be around her. And that perhaps, this is partly what she is worried about. Perhaps she could talk to her mom and reassure her that she wouldn’t abandon her.

My mom immediately defended herself that she was busy then and that was the reason. It was justified. She was working, etc. And I, unable to let this go, asked her if she thought Grandma was worried about the past or the future? And perhaps, Grandma was worried that now that her sister was coming down and there was all this other stress in mom’s life with Dad’s dementia and stuff that she was worried that past history was the best predictor of behavior for the future. That mom would retreat into her own home never to be seen again and Grandma would be left stranded. And now, it wasn’t just about the relationship but also there was dependency. And that scared her.

You see when my Grandfather was alive, my mom rarely visited them. She went about living her own life under the guise of being busy. She doesn’t nurture relationships. I’d say it pretty much borders on neglect. And there is no denying that her life was busy. But she also copes by withdrawing and minimizing contact when life is overwhelming. Which in turn, makes people feel like they aren’t valued.

So the question becomes… where is the balance right? Where do you draw the line on what is the right amount of self preservation time versus nurturing relationships? When you are sucked in and almost drowning under the pressure of life, what obligation do you owe the people who love you to let you know “I’m ok and I value you – even when you don’t need me?”

Of course it’s always easy to see what is wrong with my mother. To see her faults. And you now, the glare from the mirror reflecting on myself is almost blinding.

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