We had a really great Christmas. Peaceful. The kids have been really pleasant this vacation. And I have been really introspective the past few days about what I want to do with my time next year.

For the last three years, my life has been a series of me focusing on things that would help me to grow. My life is very achievement focused. Infertility plagued me, so I pursued international adoption. Decided that I needed to prioritize my life and focus on being a mom… so I retired. Still felt I needed to do “some work” so I built a house in Florida and marketed it as a vacation rental. My weight was something I couldn’t conquer, and so I focused on that and had the Duodenal Switch and lost 160 lbs. Had hanging skin after that and decided my body looked deformed, so I went and had plastic surgery. Wanted to find a deep and fulfilling friendship like I had when I was in college and was blessed to find a new best friend… a completely authentic relationship that nourishes me.

So now, as I am facing down 2006, I am leaning towards trying to find the next big thing. I’m actually even “clearing away” parts of my life to make room for this next big thing. I can feel it coming. It’s like a tsunami really. All the water is pulling back. I’m aware that something is happening, but I’m unsure of the outcome. The PTSA is becoming a test of endurance versus somthing that is nourishing, I’m selling the house, I have more free time…

The other day when I exchanging gifts with my neighbor she was talking about a seminar she did at her church that focused on defining her spiritual gifts. What they did was spend some time determining your spiritual gifts and then you used these gifts as a guide. They become your compass and help you prioritize your time for God, yourself, and working on things that nourish you.

This philosophy really speaks to me. I think I have spent much of my time focusing on things I need to improve then simply enjoying what I am good at. I am wondering if I can be happy without having any huge achievements. Perhaps the achievement is simply being present enough to savor the experience of using my gifts in a meaningful and balanced way?

I think my intentions for this year is to live a more balanced life. I honestly think I am pretty balanced but the method by which I do it is not as healthy as it could be. I tend to take a very macro view. Meaning I ‘ll hyper focus on something (to achieve the desired result) and then totally retreat and regroup after I finish it. I’d like to get to a place where I don’t put myself in the emotional churn of playing at the extremes. Playing in the chaos. I let the chaos motivate me instead of having a balanced measured plan. I’m going to try to work on that…although honestly I am not sure I can be successful because I am afraid this is all hard wired in.

So… now I must think about my spiritual gifts. What am I good at? What makes me feel good? I think so far the gifts I have come up with are:

Leadership: I am a good leader. I am decisive, a good planner and a good manager.

Creator: I am excellent at starting things, creating things and taking measured steps to get something off the ground. I do not like the mundaneness of maintaining something once it’s created.

Perceptive: I am pretty intuitive. I am good at reading the verbal and nonverbal cues of those around me and making inferences into how people are feeling and predicting how they would act.

I’m still thinking about what other gifts I have… I’ll let you know how it goes.

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