Sat 7 Jan 2006
Five things in my head
Posted by Kym under Inside my head
I should be writing about how I feel instead of what I am thinking. At least I recognize that. Maybe in another post. Here’s a list of stuff that is going on my head.
1. Why do I focus on the negative instead of the positive in my life? I mean, my life is really 90% great. Not just good… but great. But I tend to wallow in the bad things… getting all wound up in the chaos. Especially when people I love are in pain. Why do I do this? I need to be more present and make different choices about how I think.
2. I am trying really hard to focus on how I feel. This is incredibly uncomfortable for me. I am trying to recognize when I am focusing on achievement oriented things instead of just allowing myself to feel discomfort. There’s a big laundry list of things going on my life that are making me feel uncomfy, but I’ll save that for another post.
3. What is a healthy way to cope when your previous coping skills no longer are serving you? I don’t want to emotionally eat, I don’t want to be an OCD overachiever, I don’t want to detach – but I don’t want to focus on negative. When you have a general level of worry and anxiety… how do normal people process it and deal with it? Where is the right balance?
4. What is next in my life? Can I really be happy with a period of time where there is no achievement to focus on? Is the reason that is so uncomfortable because it would actually require me to be alone with my thoughts? For the first time I’d have to be happy with me and who I am… not just me and what I have accomplished.
5. Why do I have so much trouble with balance? I am either black or white. I am either hot or cold. I am either happy or sad. There just isn’t too much in between. I have been wondering lately if this general level of anxiety I have felt is something I should medicate for… to bring myself back to the middle. But honestly with a bit of reflection over the past few weeks, I’m not convinced that the anxiety is simply not brought on by the fact that I am here in the middle and there is nothing else. This is it. And my type A mind and need to achieve something can’t get her mind around that.
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January 8th, 2006 at 8:47 am
you seem more advanced than me. at least you know what’s on the laundry list of things that make you feel uncomfortable..
i am in the middle, or at the start, of a great crash,, having just become one of those seeking to just be…and being aware that is a good idea…
i have been living in my mind, and now want to feel… i went to a meeting and expressed this, and said I did not feel comfortable saying what was in my heart, and I was not sure even what was in there…. I was told by one go talk to some confidant…
it trully is a difficult to talk about , from the inside because of fear of what just might be in there, in the heart, in the feelings, and of getting rejected or such, “again.” .. the thought, I don’t want to be hurt anymore, runs through my mind, and I have kind of chronic fatigue syndrome… could be my heart, which scares me, since my ejection fraction already is low..or could be the depression brought upon by my reject recently in a MFA program… or rather apparent rejection by one of he “mentors” which convinced me to give up that “dream” and not to identify myself anymore mainly as an “intellectual” which was my main identity and defense…so now out in the open and vulnerable.. and, as they say, hiding under the sheets…
the rejection at hte meeting, too, reinforces the feeling I am a bad person,too…. making me feel i am violating the norms of these “good people” but this really pisses me off because these “good people” are making it harder for me because they pretend they are so accepting, and they aren’t ….
so what do i do now……glad I had a chance to respond to your thoughts…it certainly helps me clarify mine
–dd
January 8th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
*yoga*
January 8th, 2006 at 8:03 pm
Give yourself a break….deep breaths and let go of the stuff you can’t change and work on what you can WHEN YOU CAN
January 9th, 2006 at 8:28 am
Wow Kym. I see you growing so much. You are brave and strong…looking it in the face. When you figure out the way to manage without your usual unhealthy ways, let me know the secret, OK? *grin*
Your journey is inspiring!
January 9th, 2006 at 7:20 pm
Don’t have an “answer” for you, just wanted to let you know I’m here and listening. Writing it out always helps me and I hope it’s making things better for you too.
January 9th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the Difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him
forever in the next
~Reinhold Niebuhr
January 9th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
Kym - Isn’t raising 3 kids challenging enough?
September 20th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
I HAVE A COIN THAT SAY:
GOD GRANT ME HTE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANCE THINGS I CAN, AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFERENCE