I’m home!

It was a good trip. I don’t think I’ve sold the house (I am negotiating with someone but they want me to come down lower in price then I feel comfortable doing right now.) but I almost feel that wasn’t the real reason the universe had for the trip.

I don’t think I’ve gotten to spend time with my parents alone for any length of time since I had children. And because of some family issues that are going on right now, there were lots of opportunities for deep discussions. I feel there was some healing that took place and growth.

It is hard to watch the decline of my father but I found myself incredibly patient with him. It was really almost uncharteristic. I just really was present in the moments and fully aware that “today” was the best it was going to get. Those thoughts empowered me to be able to realistically let go of the little stuff.

You know, there is no way to know for sure your loved one has Alzheimer’s until the post mortem. They can guess…but there are various types of dementia and it’s causes are pretty much a big black hole that science hasn’t been able to fill with anything more profound then more questions. Anyway… in our family, we have always clung to this hope that perhaps it wasn’t Alzheimer’s. That maybe it was the diabetes, or perhaps it was the sleep apnea. Or maybe it was a combination. Or perhaps since my father was put on Aracept so soon, he would have two decades instead of one. Hard for me to admit, but even I clung to hope that perhaps the doctors were wrong.

On the way home there was a lady sitting next to me in the plane who had just come from Sanibel Island with her two friends. Every year they take a vacation. Last year, they realized that Martha was very confused. And this year Martha confirmed for them that she has Mild Alzheimer’s. I sat for an hour talking with this woman about the pain of what this disease does and how it affected their vacation. And through her words, I found myself saying “My dad does that too” all too often.

Amazing how the universe brings situations to your doorstep to help you settle your mind.

For me, even though this trip didn’t bring about the closure of a home sale, and I missed my kids more then I can even describe, I was able to pull some gifts from the time I was able to spend alone with my thoughts. In a nutshell here are the things I came up with:

1. I’ve got 2 years if I am lucky with my dad. I need to make the most of it.
2. My mom is only now becoming aware the price of her emotional detachment.
3. The conversations I have in my head need to be more positive because they have power. When I keep them positive, I feel better. There is no sense focusing so much energy on things I can’t control.
4. I have the power to make my life feel “effortless” by how I choose to construct it. I’m letting go of the drama.
5. Daily Mediation for me? Necessary. I feel so much better when I do it.
6. Peace is a priority for me.
7. In the relationships that matter most to me, it pays to really think about what the ideal relationship would look like and what I can do to take it to the next level. And I need to set the goals not only to my own bar but according to what the other is capable of… (this is the hard one for me)
8. Free time is crucial for building relationships. If you fill up your life too much, you don’t have time to nurture what is most important.
9. I like a more emotional me even though its more painful and I feel more vulnerable.
10. Practicing gratitude is also crucial to my mental health.

So… I got some sunshine. I got to read books!! I got some quality time with my parents. I got to spend some great time with my sister. I feel emotionally “lighter” then I have in a long time and I have a new sense of focus on what I need to be working on in my life.

Not bad for a week’s work.

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