“The important thing is this: to be able to at any moment sacrafice what we are for what we can become. ” Charles Dubals

I have truly wondered if I am ever going to break free of the fat girl that lives in my head. She’s the girl that tells me to not risk and try new adventurous things because I might not be physically able to complete them. She’s the girl who answers without out thought or presence when asked to do anything physical like walk, run or ride a bike. She’s the girl who is convinced she can’t do it… because she is 360 lbs — even though in reality, that girl doesn’t exist anymore.

I have really done a great job sticking to my workouts. I feel really good. I am now really aware of the sensation that this feels so much BETTER then doing nothing. That the laws of inertia, for once, are now working in my favor instead of against me.

I have to tell you there is a huge difference in working out as a fat girl versus working out as a normal sized person. I do believe that as a fat girl I did feel this “rush of endorphins” but the rush was drowned out simply by the weight of the fatigue afterwards. So in my head, all that translated to was that exercise=bad feelings. And thinking that exercise sucks has been burned into my brain.

It’s an unbelievable obstacle to overcome. 30 years of horrible programming that I have done to myself. 30 years of denying myself the skill of being able to listen to my body and allow it to move freely. Wow. What a trip.

Over the past few weeks I have pushing myself to redefine what exercise means in my life. I was hoping to simply quiet, perhaps even silence, the fat girl in my head that is constantly telling me I am not able to do anything athletic. But along the way something even better has happened. I’ve actually started listening to my body and the fat girl is still talking, but my body is ignoring her. My body is tuned into the reality instead of the perceptions for once. The body is drowning out the fat girl diatribes…. At least for now. Exercise isn’t sucking. In fact, I’m actually able to say I’m enjoying it. Perhaps it’s because I’ve realized that the fat girl in my head has made this all about physical limitations and now I realize it’s more about mental challenge. And pushing through a mental challenge is a lot more appealing to me then exercises. Heh. I can use my psychological neurosis to my own benefit!

I am really amazed how much better exercise feels then it ever has before. I don’t think I can go as far as to say I am “loving it”. But I really do believe there is now hope I can make this a regular part of my life.

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