It’s almost 11pm and I am wide-awake. We went out to dinner tonight and I came home and literally crashed. I mean… fell into one of those coma sleeps where you just dream and dream and you feel like you slept 9 hours. I only slept two hours incidentally, just long enough to make it hard for me to fall asleep tonight.

This week was socially busy for me. I think I went out to lunch with a friend everyday this week. Which was wonderful… if not expensive. LOL Oh well… I should enjoy it while it lasts because in two weeks my social free time will come to an end. Summer vacation with the kids will be here!

I am REALLY looking forward to summer vacation. Mostly the freedom from schedules. We are not doing camps this year. We are freebirds. We have several vacations, but we have lots of weeks open. So I am thinking how I can best maximize that time with my kids. I’m thinking it’s time for me to explore doing some day trips with my kids…. These are the cherished years right? The years they still want to be around you and do things with you. I don’t want to waste this time.

Time has really become a focus for me as of late. I am realizing that for me personally, it’s hard to have the space in my head to experience emotional growth if I am filling up my days with line items. The past few weeks I have cut way back… and I have been able to do things that really do fill me up with joy. Get back to meditation. Read books. Exercise. Spend time with people I love. Nurture relationships in a mindful way that are important to me.

And I say all that, and look down at my calendar for the next two weeks and cringe with all the obligations I have staring me in the face.

I’m beginning to understand that balance isn’t defined by a day and how much you can balance in a day…but rather in a week or month. My life seems to follow this natural ebb and flow.

Tomorrow is yoga. I am looking forward to it. It always stretches me in more way then one. I still feel sore the next day… so I know it’s “working”. Funny how I look to pain as a validator. Huh?

Workout stuff is going well although I am not losing the weight I would like at the rate I would like. However I seem to be unable to consistently deprive myself of food to a caloric level where my body will give up the weight. It’s frustrating, but I am trying to change my thinking from the almighty pound to how good I feel. I am not in danger of giving up exercise, but I recognize that this self deprication I put myself through everyday when I curse my back fat, my drapey looking thighs and pouchy tummy… is making me feel crappy. That this mental backtalk is actually beginning to make me depressed about my body and focus on my body and my level of comfort with it in a way I have never done before. I mean… when I was fat… I simply detached from my body. I didn’t look at it. To survive, I learned the skill of looking in the mirror and just didn’t see the fat anymore. So now… to have this level of “presence” with my body… it’s uncomfortable. And I am having to learn new skills to protect my emotional health… I recognize that I could easily go to the other end of the extreme and use exercise to detach…

So… I have to be mindful and focus on the good things exercise is doing for me, without being overly critical.

Me. Not being critical. Houston. We have a problem. I’m not even sure that is possible.

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