4 year weight loss anniversary

It’s been four years since my weight loss surgery. And my weight is up. And I can’t seem to get it to come down. I have been working out like a freaking fanatic for months and I am not seeing the results I expected and I’m very upset by it.

I do see results with working out. Everything from my balancing improving to increased cardiac recovery to being able to run to my increased endurance. I can do things now physically I couldn’t do before. But I do not see the results with a smaller body. And that is the result I crave.

I have thought … well maybe you are expecting results too soon. People say things to me like ‘how do your clothes fit”. They fit better…but we aren’t talking a size here. I don’t think I’m being unrealistic after months of working out an average of four times a week…that I would have dropped a size.

And I am bigger then I was a year ago. I can no longer call it float. (As in… It is not float…it’s freaking weight bloat. I can’t continue to move the “acceptance number” higher and higher. I need to get a firm grip on this issue.

So I decided yesterday that I would cut back on carbs. I would do a little “pilot program” and see if I couldn’t trick my body into burning some fat. I committed to a few days of low carbing it. The key there is “committed”. *sigh*

I have a really good grip on my eating disorder. I eat healthy. I eat whole grains and lots of veggies and lean protein. I do not eat much sugar, and when I do, I do it mindfully. I am the queen of control when it comes to my emotional overeating. If I have a problem, I am quick to figure out what went wrong. But yesterday… well yesterday threw me for a loop.

Yesterday, I had to help my daughter make chocolate chip cookies for school. We had to make 80. I bought the stuff and put it safely in the fridge. I had my low carb stuff handy. I was strong. For about 30 minutes. Then I ate the cookie dough. How much isn’t an issue. No, I didn’t eat it all, but I am like an alcoholic. With food, if I am not mindful of it… I simply slip into this “coma” and I go to a happy place. I eat and let the serotonin effect of sugar take me to that sweet rapture of feeling nothing. And I was there.

Now I realize that for most people, this isn’t a cause for a big self evaluation session. But for me… food is like a drug. When I lose control of food… it’s an alarm system. There is something wrong and I need to spend some time to figure out what it is. If I don’t, I do risk going back to the way things were…which was me using food to fill myself up instead of my feelings.

There are several things here I am thinking about and that upset me.

1. My iron will and commitment made no difference. For some reason yesterday I was powerless against the forces of my eating disorder. So something must have been bothering me.
2. I think I might have been powerless because I was upset that I can’t get a handle on my weight loss. That no matter what I do… I’m not seeing a difference.
3. I feel “hopeless” about dropping this extra weight just like I did when I was REALLY fat. I feel like I’m on this slippery slope… that 10 lbs will become 15, and 15 will become 20 and 20 will become 30.

Another step in analyzing all this is why am I so focused on how I look right now. I do not know the answer to that. I am focusing on my body as of late…and I don’t know why. I don’t like it. I was much happier when I wasn’t.

Another thing is people tell me to focus on the things that the fitness IS doing for me instead of focusing on the smaller body size. But it seems stupid to me to change the metric just because I can’t achieve my ultimate metric. Changing the metric doesn’t seem kosher to me. That is one of the metrics I want to use.

I have also considered that perhaps I am putting on a pound of muscle per week and replacing the fat. However I think I would have seen that in my body fat percentage. I have a fancy scale that tells me what an orca I am.

And I have also considered that perhaps I should just put this all aside for awhile and keep doing what I am doing and eventually I will see a smaller body result. Perhaps my body isn’t denying me… Im just expecting results too fast.

And I have also thought that I just need to go get more dang plastic surgery and then I will actually be able to SEE the muscle I am building underneath all this skin.

I have also considered that I have lost fat. That I wear clothes so baggy and big (except my jeans) that I am just not aware of the loss. I think my tape measure DOES show a loss…but I think I am writing that off in my mind. I also think that the “float” on the scale makes it hard for me to track the downward trend. So maybe I need to get better at tracking all this crap.

What is truly sad, is that at 38, I am still facing the demons of my eating disorder and not being happy with my body. I mean…am I destined to live my whole life not appreciating my body? I don’t like not appreciating my body. I want to love my body. Just when exactly is that supposed to happen?? Is there some magic scale number when I will be content with what I have instead of wishing for what I don’t?

I include this “celebration” pictures of where I have come from not to get kudos or to ask for praise…but more as a reminder to me that I do have cause to celebrate. And keep focused. And not go back from where I came.