So today I ran 3 miles again. That makes my total this week 8 miles. Not bad! But today I had to take a nap this afternoon I was so tired. LOL I did my three miles today in less then 45 mins. Ok Ok. It was 44.53 mins . But hey! That’s an improvement even from Wednesday. I am sort of sad about the fact that I am doing 15 minute miles. I mean… I feel so freakin’ slow. Not my speed but my progress. I mean my speed is too…but I feel like I should be doing WAY better then this at this point. I feel like I should be doing more then what I am doing – both faster and with more endurance. In my head, I’m better then I really am. It’s like this grand illusion. Ha. Luckily, the illusion helps to keep me going.

Today at the gym a guy who is a “real runner” stopped me at the computer where I was entering my data and told me I’m doing a great job. I don’t know why that made me feel so good…but I guess since I worry about what other people are thinking of me as I shuffle along and he’s a “REAL RUNNER” it really made me feel good.

This running is so hard for me. On one of the forums I read, someone talked about how there has to be a mental shift. A shift from “Oh.My.God I can’t wait to walk” to “Oh.My.God I can’t wait to get to the running part again”. I tried to go there in my mind today and my mind screamed back at me to shut the hell up. I have also tried to not walk but simply slow myself to a slow jog for my recovery…but that doesn’t work either. It’s like I need someone to scream at me: DON’T WALK LAZY!

Honestly, I don’t seem to be in too much control when I am running. Everyone keeps talking about how their “mind just goes free” when they run. For me, that isnt’ happening so much. My mind is completely foscused on the fact how freaking slow time is moving, I am moving and can we make a little bit further.

I think this is what I like about running. It is something I am trying to master where I can’t manipulate my way to the top. It takes sheer discipline. There are no short cuts no matter how much I over anylze, over think or educate myself. I simply must be committed and keep practicing. I have no control other then those variables. That is unual for me – to feel out of control.

My frustration with the speed of my progress is something else all together. I honestly need to just be happy where I am. I mean there is even progress from my run on Wednesday. I made it a whole tenth of a mile FURTHER in the same time. That is progress. I couldn’t even walk this fast before and now I can. My resting heartrate when I am laying down is now in the 50’s. My cardiac recovery time is mucho faster. And I am in the best shape of my life right now. (Which isn’t saying much considering I was over 300 lbs for most of my adult life…but I’ll take it!) My bodyfat is also now lower then it has been EVER. I weigh more then I did after my plastic surgery but my body fat percentage is now lower. So there is progress. It’s just in my mind, I distort everything and don’t recognize it for what it is.

I don’t think I am going to run this weekend. Tomorrow, I think I’ll take my Yoga class and maybe do a short 20 mins on the elliptical to burn some calories.

Related posts:

  1. Running is hard
    2.   Oye. Running is hard. I am in this...
  2. Run Kym Run!
    3.   Strange thought that ran through my mind...
  3. Today’s Running Stuff
    4.   Good run today. Felt strong. Ran 3.1...