When I was in Florida, my cousin begged me to take workout classes with her. Being in a room with some perky instructor watching me struggle with lunges and squats is about as far removed from joy as I can get. What makes it worse? My cousin is fit. Very fit. She works out 5 times a week about two hours a day. Working out next to her sorta feels like Beauty and the Beast. She’s definitely in the teacher role and I am the grasshopper. And I’m sure you find this hard to believe…but I much prefer to be in the expert role versus the trainee role. Ha!

Anyway my cousin is beyond thrilled that I am exercising. She knows how far I have come and is very proud of me. She loved that there was someone else who shared her commitment to good health on this trip. But I could tell she was hurt that I didn’t want to do the same things she did or take classes with her. To her, exercising is joyful and thus she wants to share the joy. She see I feel joy…and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to share that with her at the same time doing the same thing. I didn’t want to be in the “grasshopper role”. I wanted to continue to live in the illusion that I am more fit then 75% of the people at the gym. Being next to her is a constant reminder of everything I am not. I wanted to exercise next to the fat people — where I felt comfortable and where I was the over achiever. . I did not want to exercise next to someone whose abs could be plastered on the front of SHAPE.

But of course, there is no easy way to explain how I feel in a casual conversation. It requires me to go deep and really expose the vulnerabilities I feel about exercising and my emotional shortcomings. It requires me to admit how much pain came with being 360 pounds and how much I denial I used to get through it. I didn’t exercise because to do so was not only physically difficult (in ways you can’t even imagine!), but I, in fact was worried what everyone else thought of me. Oh sure, I told everyone I didn’t care what people thought…but I went out of my way to minimize the opportunities for those judgements. I minimized and denied. And as hard as it is to admit, I recognize that I still have some big emotional mountains to climb. I recognize that I am still using denial as a coping skill when it comes to exercising with others or in front of others. I still feel fat. I still feel judged. And I still feel inadequate. Easier to just not take myself there.

I wish I could explain to folks the mental aerobics I still struggle with when it comes to exercising. I am still learning that there is joy that comes from exercising. I am having to reroute years and years of denial and listening to my body. I have to use every ounce of brainpower to focus on the task at hand and get through it. So I don’t look at this as me outright denying that I will ever exercise with others…but rather that it’s just not “right now.” I’m working on the other stuff first.

Yeah…that sounds good. Let’s go with that.

When I exercise with others, it then becomes about them and competitive. It becomes about what they are thinking about me instead of what I am thinking about me. It detracts from my joy and my focus on the joy — because I am too worried about how I am being judged. Not because they are judging me, but because I can’t find the mental freedom to not to compare myself to them. I am no longer proud of my 14 minute mile…I am sad because I couldn’t match their 13 minute mile. I’m not celebrating my 3 sets of 12 lunges, but feeling bad I couldn’t do the fourth set - just like them. I lose the joy in the process and instead seek joy in being better then someone else. And because I am not as fit…there is no way for me to be the winner. So I am left with this disappointment… instead of joy…and that doesn’t help me reroute my brain.

I am trying really hard to stay focused on myself in group settings. I know it’s silly… but it’s like it takes so much energy for me to just exercise…adding having to exercise with someone else just adds additional obstacles.

And yet, it keeps happening. Over and over. And I know the universe is pushing me here because the time is here. I need to work on this. I need to feel comfortable with my body. I need to stretch myself and find that sharing the joy of working out DURING the process of exercising is more rich then sharing some arbitrary achievement in the safety conversation afterwards.

I’m missing out on bigger joy by denying that by exercising with others – there is greater joy to be found.

Do I believe that? Not yet.

Anyway….

It’s going to be harder as I want to compete. There is a group of women who are competing in the mini-triathalon in a couple days. I long to join them next year and compete with them – with no worries about how good they are versus how good I am. And yet… I can’t there. My best friend wants me to run with her. She’s uberfit and very supportive of me…. But I have huge mental hurdles to overcome there. I want to sign up for a 5K like Ben (he’s running his first 5K this weekend so go tell him good luck!), but my fear of coming in the bottom 50% are keeping me from signing up now. So I am living in the future…. When I will be fast enough, fit enough, lean enough and good enough to compete.

I have found that as I add more mileage… my running is changing. I am stronger, leaner, faster, and have more endurance. One can only hope that as I add working out with friends and in front of others to my training plan, that I will gain endurance in that mental arena too.

Related posts:

  1. Mental Aerobics of Excercise
    2.   "The important thing is this: to be able...
  2. Mindfully Working Out
    3.   Did I tell you guys I am working out? I...
  3. Breaking Free
    4.   There is sun!!! I am happy! I ran 3.25...