My nine year is going through another phase where we have to teach her the subtlety’s of recognizing her emotions. I really think that is the key to so many of her issues (and mine).

It sounds so simple, but really… if you don’t recognize what you are feeling then how can you negotiate life? Being present enough to recognize your emotions is really a key. I spent so many years of my life eating because I didn’t recognize anger, boredom, or frustration. I simply just stuffed myself to make the discomfort go away. I couldn’t articulate the discomfort and I believed that no one would help me with it if I did… so I dealt with it myself. I over indulged mostly to make myself feel better. I would overspend, overeat, oversex… whatever the compulsion de jour was to remove the pain.

I’ve noticed my eldest and youngest doing this in particular. They simply take whatever emotion it is and then transform it into whatever is easiest to deal with at the time themselves. I believe they are skipping a step there. Being able to articulate what exactly is upsetting to them before they apply some random fix. You can’t diagnosis the problem if you don’t understand the symptoms right? They spend a lot time telling each other what they think instead of what they feel.

One of the things we have been working on is helping them to gauge appropriate response. Again, I think this is a symptom of not really understanding emotions. Emma tends to be so dramatic about *everything*. Everything gets equal drama. This morning she was so frustrated with her brother and sister because they got into the van first and then wouldn’t do what she wanted. She blew up first - then melted down in tears of frustration. And we talked about how “would you get this upset about kids dying in Africa? – Is your response really equal to the offense?” And then we tied it to what would life be like with mommy if mommy didn’t respond appropriately? Once she is brought the present and helped to dissect her emotions, things really calm down fast. And I am really trying to express through MY frustration that I want to be there for her emotionally. That how she feels is important to me and I want to help her and me better understand her feelings.

Oh there is just so much going through my head about emotional health. How do I go about teaching that to my children? How can I make their lives better by building a stronger emotional foundation now? I really think this is so important to live a healthier and happier life. Being able to articulate how you feel and believe that you can come out the other side and negotiate it. I believe my parents were checked out. And I want better for my kids.

My friend and I have had a discussion about teaching the philosophy of believing in yourself. Confidence is really important to emotional health I think. The question is how do you teach your kids to believe they can do anything? How do you teach that if they are too insecure to go off on their own and try new things? How far do you push? Part of it is high expectations, right? You have to believe you can hit whatever bar you set for yourself. You have to reinforce that. Then there is the issue about wanting to protect your kid from pain. Do you protect them at the cost of sabotaging their self confidence? Where is the line? And if you yourself don’t believe that you can negotiate painful experiences, it’s not a large leap to think that by constantly “rescuing” your child you would be communicating to them in an indirect way “I don’t think you can negotiate this either”.

So much stuff to think about. I feel like part of what I need to do is have a parenting plan. I “road map” of emotional milestones. I’ll teach this at age 9. This at age 4. And if I see it’s not working, then I’ll simply lock myself in a closet till they are 19.

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