Well, I didn’t sleep very well last night. I was up this morning at 5:30 unable to get back to sleep. My mind shifting through all the stuff I have to do I am not happy with the state of affairs on how my life is organized right now. The Tri, PTA stuff for this year, PTA stuff for next year, Job, Construction, visitors, all the FL house stuff, the state of my messy house, the greatly reduced time I am spending with my children, the lack of freedom to do anything well, lack of time to engage with people in meaningful ways…my lack of free time to do the things I love. Ugh.

I do not think that there is anything I can really give up. I feel powerless to effect change and I know that is a boundary constructed by own mind. I am longing for how things were a few short months ago. It is easy to have a balanced life when there isnt’ much to balance. My life duties were very compact and there was blissful amounts of freetime to indulge myself in the luxury of time. If you are only balancing 6 rocks on a scale, it’s easier then balancing 40 rocks of all different sizes right? We are in a 50 rock zone right now. Actually more like 65. And there are some pretty big fucking rocks. I am curious to see if I can truly come up with the formula for what is the tipping point. Where is the sweet spot? How many rocks can I balance and juggle before I collapse in utter despair? I am pretty sure that the work here is not in balancing everything but rather changing my level of comfort with each thing. The rock is what it is… stop trying to make it the prettiest rock in the bunch. Shut the hell up, drop it on the pile and move on to the next one. I truly believe that it’s an internal shift I am going to have to make. I am going to have to give up some part of myself and my seductive interplay with control. I think for me, the hard part is having enough space left over to provide leadership.

Time is the most precious resource of all right? If you were in charge of a budget and had to keep a program running… you would try to have some in reserves. Keep some resources for emergencies as insurance to keep things from stopping. But there is no bank of time. It truly is the ultimate measure of how you run the bank of your life. There is no time credit card. There is no real way to keep the extra you have now and put it away for a rainy day. So balancing and budgeting are key skills. Time is not stretchy… the only things that are stretchy are what you do with it and what you expect from it.

Perhaps the key is prioritizing and on the external things using other people’s bar for what is acceptable instead of your own. The stretchy part is to lower your expectations on the rocks that dont matter so much. So… if family and friendships are the key… put your time in there. Things like job, volunterering, projects… use a collective metric of “what is good enough” instead of your own high standards.

What are your values Kym? Let that guide you. Please note: Values not Standards. They are different girl. Time isn’t a resource you can grow. So managing it by determining the proper investment for each project is key. Otherwise you are going to burn up your precious resource on things that aren’t a high priority just because you “can”.

Ok… well… enough waxing poetic. I have a ton of stuff to get done today. Obviously blogging has taken a back seat for awhile…. but thanks for listening.

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