Ekhart Tolle talks about how many people define who they are by the roles they play. Mother, sister, friend, lover, computer analyst, retired person, fat girl, sickly, volunteer, athlete. But it’s not what you do that really defines you but rather who you are. Roles are simply something that defines the Ego. They are ego centric. It has no bearing on the formless “being”.

I want to remove the “human” part of being. Get it? Human Being? If I can get myself to just focus on the being… totally present with no roles.

Makes my palms sweat to think about it.

Hello. My name is Kym and I admit I am a doer. I love to do things and I do tend to define myself by the roles that I play and what I accomplish. I believe that Motherhood is one of the biggest definitions for me. I use that role as a priority setter by which I measure many of the other things I do.

Ekhart says:

You become most powerful in whatever you do if the action is performed for its own sake rather than as a means to protect, enhance, or conform to your role identity…. When you don’t play roles, it means there is no self (ego) in what you do. There is no secondary agenda: protection or strengthening of yourself.

I see myself doing this a lot. I totally define myself by what I do and I worry about how others are judging me for it. I am trying to strengthen myself by doing what I believe is important. I had a big discussion in my mommy group about the amount of stuff on my plate. People see me as high energy and an over achiever – but I don’t see myself that way. I see myself that I am doing pretty much what everyone else is doing (or less!). I just verbalize it in a very task orientated way. Honestly, peel a lot back and insecurity does drive many of my decisions.

Someone said to me… why not just be a volunteer instead of being on the PTA board? Why not just exercise instead of doing the Tri? Those are good questions I think. Why must I associate a goal with everything? Is this the way that I define myself? I currently do not feel good with the amount of things on my plate. I feel like I have to hit a bar. And not hitting the bar creates suffering.

I think the question for me is am I defining myself or am I worried that others are going to define me if I don’t do it myself? Meaning: I do all these things because I’m worried if I don’t have a slate of accomplishments I won’t be worthy. I think all this comes from the place that I don’t feel like I’m “enough”. I can probably draw a straight line about this all the way back to my child hood. And it probably explains my need for validation. I don’t need a lot of validation, but in the vacuum of relationships — if there is a long expanse of time with no recognition, validation, appreciation or communication — I tend to create my own reality. They hate me. They hate my work. They think I suck. They don’t care about me. I’m a loser. And the dark recesses of my mind can create some pretty creative scenarios.

So I am going to work on giving up defining myself both to myself and to others. I am going to give up this line of thinking because I believe that it’s based on the thought that “I am not enough”. When I talk about what I have even done on this blog… why? Why do that?

I’m trying to figure out right now what is ego and what is really me. The me without form. I want to reduce what I see as self-induced suffering. I have the power to change it.

Dinner tonight: Chicken Stir Fry (it was very unexciting - I think Im going to eat some chocolate to compensate)

Listening to:
I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing’s broken
No need to worry ’bout everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one…

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