I wrote this last night but never got back to it…

I am afraid. Fear is not something that usually drives me. And when it does… I’m usually far enough ahead of the curve that I am able to come up with a plan to deal with whatever I am afraid of… but this time there are two things I am really afraid of and there is real no plan to deal with them. I just need to muscle through it. And I don’t want to do that. I want to just opt out. But how does one opt out of visibility and the economy?

I have no doubts about being able to do this stupid triathlon. I know I have enough endurance to finish it under a conservative two and half hours – and probably significantly less. (significant is measured in minutes and seconds btw. Ha!) But my crap score and time are going to be posted on the internet forever. Danskin has Tri scores posted from back in the 1990’s fer cryin’ out loud. Who needs to SEE that? So… I am not worried about the Tri per se… but I am worried about the fact that for eternity my scores are going to be posted on the internet. A nice big “hey… look how slow fatso went” forever and ever. A shining testament to me not doing something WELL.

And when I think about this… that is what is so frustrating about doing a Tri for me. It’s not like I am comparing myself to the legions of people who never get their big arses off the couch. I’m comparing myself to the people who do Tris. A small tiny little subset group of people who are weird enough to subject their bodies to aerobic and anaerobic endurance for several hours. To push themselves “just for the fun of it”. What’s wrong with this picture? Do I think less of the pianist who doesn’t have the “gift of piano playing” and just plays adequately? No. I admire the fact they CAN play. Why can’t I do that with sports?

So this is my real mental challenge with this race. To not opt out. To not say… Ok… I can’t do it to the level I think I should be able to do it. And there is not a variable of time here. I know I can be BETTER – but I just can’t be better this year. (perhaps in this lifetime) I’m not sure I can be better than half the other women in my age group so I am just going to choose to not do it. No… I am going to opt out even though that feels like the safer avenue. Even though I am afraid. Even though I feel judged. Even though I feel like everyone will be looking at me saying … “Good Lord…she’s been working out for weeks and that is the best time she could put in?”

Then I am afraid about the economy. I think it’s going to get very bad folks. I think the crisis we are facing right now is probably going to be the defining crisis of our lifetime. I think it’s going to realign how US citizens live their lives. There is going to be a big “come to Jesus” moment when folks realize that they can’t continue to finance themselves like our government does by spend spend spend and going into debt.

It’s the perfect storm out there. Dollar is falling. So international investors are bailing. Banks are failing. Big banks even like WaMu and WellsFargo don’t have near enough deposits to cover folks when fear drives people to make withdrawals. The government has said they aren’t going to bail out any more people. There had to be police officers with freaking guns for people who lined up at IndyBank to get their money! Huge corporations can no longer secure credit. Paramount and General Motors are examples of two big companies that have had credit pulled. We are going to see not only more foreclosures – and a continuation of the trickledown effect on those of us who hold real estate — but also we are going to see personal credit start to dry up. You’ll home equity loan lines of credit reduced or eliminated, personal credit cards recalled, an increase in bankruptcies. And the fed is between a rock and a hard place. They can’t raise rates… and they can’t lower them. So they are stuck just waiting it out. Which actually isn’t that bad a thing if the government would just let us take all the pain at once versus drawing it out over a period of YEARS. I am so not a believer of slow amputation.

There is nowhere to hide in the market either . Other currencies are falling. There is global inflation everywhere. (Thank you China!) Gold is probably the safest bet … followed by Silver and agriculture. But none of those are a value play right now. They have run up and it feels risky to dive in now.

What’s a girl to do? Sitting in cash is so painful when you know inflation is running wild.

Did you know that if you computed inflation like they computed it back in the 70’s our inflation rate would be around 12%? Doesn’t that sound like a more realistic number then the 6% they are throwing around?

Hell… just the cost of gas covers that.

So … Im feeling doom and gloom.

Tonight I am going for my first open water swim this season. The water here is really frickin’ cold. So I guess I am afraid of that too. So maybe fear is ruling me more then I realize. Or maybe I’m just a big baby.

Update: Went for the swim last night and it was fine. Had “first swim” anxiety big time… dreamed about it last night. But I did the half mile in open water with waves in 27 mins. Im ok with that for the first time out.

Oh and did I mention I rear ended someone the other day? What I should really be afraid of is how distracted I am when I am faced with unprocessed fear .

Related posts:

  1. Hurricane Thoughts
    2.   My idea for helping the hurricane victims is...
  2. Weekly Tri Report Week One
    3.   My Tri Training Report. Focusing not just...
  3. Grumpy
    4.   Morning. Well…afternoon really. I’m...