Family


As a parent, when your child is in the preteen years, what is it you should be focusing on to get them ready for independence and the future? What relationship building blocks need to be in place to make the teen years less rocky and more of a partnership?

I am reading that book by Eckhert Tolle and it’s really influencing how I am thinking about parenting. He says that what our children really long from us as parents is not to have a relationship built around the role as a parent, but rather they long to have a relationship with our authentic self. When the parenting role falls away as they get older… you really need to have something more authentic and built on mutual respect in order for the relationship to continue to grow and also get them to respect you.

So, I think the most important part of this is to really talk to my children and let them know that I am trying to connect with them not just as a parent, but also as a human being. That I long to spend time with them and I want to be with them and learn from them. I need to recognize them as individuals and not just lump them into the category of “my children”. I need for them to understand the spiritual priority I have in getting to know their souls and how important that is to me… and that it is just as important to me as directing them in their roles as “children”. That I love them past the “role” they play as children… but I love them as human beings more deeply then the roles we play.

The book is having a very profound effect on helping redefine my values to a more spiritual focus. I’m going to continue to do some posts about what I get from the book.

Tonight’s dinner: Chicken breasts stuffed with Feta, Spinach and Sundried Tomato with Rice Pilaf and mixed veggies on the side.

Exercise: I did a half hour of strength training with my friend who’s sort of acting as my personal trainer today. I’m going to hurt. I already hurt. My hip is sore, but I think that is because of the warm up on the elliptical which was probably stupid on my part. Break out the anti-inflammatory drugs friends!

Happy Moment: Mom has hired a personal trainer.

Meditation: I meditated for 20 minutes early this morning and kept my thoughts quiet. I’m very proud.

The thing that is sucking the most energy from me right now: My brutal schedule. I need to make changes. I need more free time to feel balanced.

This year we are doing a new take on the whole resolutions shtick. We are instead making a family plan. Not *that* kind of family plan. It’s more like a road map about what what we want to accomplish next year.

I’ve always been the planner in our family. It comes naturally to me. I like to organize, I like having goals and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with achieving them. And even if I can’t make all my goals this year, I believe that just by writing them down, I am that much closer to making them a reality. I give them energy.

By developing a list of goals, I am defining what success looks like. My family and I are working together to bring clarity about what it is we are working towards and letting our values define us.

The thing that has always been lacking, is that my husband hasn’t really been a part of the process. Oh sure, I’ve tried to loop him in, but honestly, his eyes glaze over a bit . Well this year, I was able to get him a bit more engaged when I told him that he could even put down sex goals. LOL I finally realized I just wasn’t talking in a currency that was meaningful to him before. Ha ha!

I’m not going to write out here in my blog all the goals, but I thought some of you might be interested in the subheadings. Many of these are almost like a to do list. On others we spent time together articulating what does the “ideal look like” – what would success mean here — then figured out what steps we needed to take to get there. John and I have goals under most subheads and the kids have goals under some of them.

Marriage
Romance
Spiritual
Financial
Emotional
Security (things like updating wills, creating a disaster plan, buying a new safe, doing an insurance review)
Parenting (where do we need the most work?)
Focused expansion goals for each child (what each child needs to work on)
Children’s social graces
Family values
Attitude
Vacations we want to go on next year
House projects we want to accomplish
Career growth
Fitness Goals
Health Goals (find a new doctor, take vitamins more regularly )
Charity
Relationships
Social
Self Help
Education
Organization
Family Time

Noah woke up puking this morning. I actually wondered if he might be dehydrated. Anyway — Took Emma and Dinara to camp. Emma decided on the way in that she did indeed feel a little nauseated so we turned around and left. (Much tears, much drama, because she did not want to miss the last day of camp!) Dinara decided to forgo camp too because well, she could have cared less about camp anyway. (hey… it’s just money!) And on the way home, Emma puked all over the minivan.

She’s since puked up the chicken noodle soup from lunch but is holding down Gatorade.

Noah is sleeping and has held down toast and a little bit of soup.

Me, Im fine although Im feeling a bit nauseated myself. I can’t tell though if it’s real or if it’s all in my head from cleaning up so much puke. :)

Our homeade cake invitation!

In a week, my baby is turning double digits. My eldest baby is leaving childhood for the wonderment of preteendom. I can’t believe it’s been a decade.

We are having girls over for a sleep over bash on the 14th. We are going to decorate cakes, go swimming, do girly quizes, and Emma is going to serve pizza in her bedroom and watch a movie. Sounds like mucho fun eh?

Today Emma and I made little “fondant” present cakes to give each of the invitees to whet their appetite (so to speak) for the party. We had a lot of fun!!! And I should win a June Cleaver award for this don’t you think? Here’s the pdf of the paper invite that went with the “present”:

Emma’s Invitation to her Sleep Over Cake Decorating Party

invite cake

Today is the day we celebrate being a family. Today is the day we celebrate Dinara and Noah joining our family. We traveled half-way around the world to find the children God meant to be part of our family. Today is a great day!

We went to a Kazakh party today with other Kazakh International Adoption Families. Lots of fun. We were going to celebrate with a family day out like we usually do, but we were all sorta whipped this weekend. So we are planning on going to the Melting Pot and out to do some ceremic painting to commemorate the six year milestone next weekend.

I’ll post some pictures here after I get them processed.

Enjoy the last few hours of the weekend!

Do normal parents tell their kids to stop talking or go talk some where else? I mean… am I bad parent because my nine year old just will.not.stop.talking and I can’t take it anymore? It’s this mind numbing chatter and goes on.and.on.and.on.and.on. She’s oblivious to social cues. Do other parents tell their kids “uh… mommy needs a break — go away?” I mean how many HOURS do you have to listen before you tell them to TAKE A BREATH!

And do your kids ever ask you questions they know the answer to just to hear themselves talk? And do you say “Uh… why are you asking me that question when you know the answer?”

Perhaps I am just a heartless parent who has no patience. Maybe I’m not handling this right. Maybe you, gentle reader, can help me out and explain to me how I should be parenting myself through this mind numbing chatter.

Good Lord, I’m about to go insane.

My nine year is going through another phase where we have to teach her the subtlety’s of recognizing her emotions. I really think that is the key to so many of her issues (and mine).

It sounds so simple, but really… if you don’t recognize what you are feeling then how can you negotiate life? Being present enough to recognize your emotions is really a key. I spent so many years of my life eating because I didn’t recognize anger, boredom, or frustration. I simply just stuffed myself to make the discomfort go away. I couldn’t articulate the discomfort and I believed that no one would help me with it if I did… so I dealt with it myself. I over indulged mostly to make myself feel better. I would overspend, overeat, oversex… whatever the compulsion de jour was to remove the pain.

I’ve noticed my eldest and youngest doing this in particular. They simply take whatever emotion it is and then transform it into whatever is easiest to deal with at the time themselves. I believe they are skipping a step there. Being able to articulate what exactly is upsetting to them before they apply some random fix. You can’t diagnosis the problem if you don’t understand the symptoms right? They spend a lot time telling each other what they think instead of what they feel.

One of the things we have been working on is helping them to gauge appropriate response. Again, I think this is a symptom of not really understanding emotions. Emma tends to be so dramatic about *everything*. Everything gets equal drama. This morning she was so frustrated with her brother and sister because they got into the van first and then wouldn’t do what she wanted. She blew up first - then melted down in tears of frustration. And we talked about how “would you get this upset about kids dying in Africa? – Is your response really equal to the offense?” And then we tied it to what would life be like with mommy if mommy didn’t respond appropriately? Once she is brought the present and helped to dissect her emotions, things really calm down fast. And I am really trying to express through MY frustration that I want to be there for her emotionally. That how she feels is important to me and I want to help her and me better understand her feelings.

Oh there is just so much going through my head about emotional health. How do I go about teaching that to my children? How can I make their lives better by building a stronger emotional foundation now? I really think this is so important to live a healthier and happier life. Being able to articulate how you feel and believe that you can come out the other side and negotiate it. I believe my parents were checked out. And I want better for my kids.

My friend and I have had a discussion about teaching the philosophy of believing in yourself. Confidence is really important to emotional health I think. The question is how do you teach your kids to believe they can do anything? How do you teach that if they are too insecure to go off on their own and try new things? How far do you push? Part of it is high expectations, right? You have to believe you can hit whatever bar you set for yourself. You have to reinforce that. Then there is the issue about wanting to protect your kid from pain. Do you protect them at the cost of sabotaging their self confidence? Where is the line? And if you yourself don’t believe that you can negotiate painful experiences, it’s not a large leap to think that by constantly “rescuing” your child you would be communicating to them in an indirect way “I don’t think you can negotiate this either”.

So much stuff to think about. I feel like part of what I need to do is have a parenting plan. I “road map” of emotional milestones. I’ll teach this at age 9. This at age 4. And if I see it’s not working, then I’ll simply lock myself in a closet till they are 19.

I don’t think I mentioned it before but Emma missed the whole last week of school. I was concerned, started her on antibiotic and the nebulizer… also started her on Flovent. You know.. my 3rd world drug arsenal is at hand. Yipee.

Well… she’s been on the antibiotics for a week. I treated it as if it was strep… with a high dose of amoxy…. and there was a little improvement…but she was still having these coughing fits. She was tired, had a decreased appetite but overall seemed ok. And at night she would be running a slight temp. Mom said she thought she heard bronchial spasms when she coughed yesterday….and she was up in the middle of the night last night….

So off we went.

Turns out she has pneumonia. Doctor said Amoxy is probably ok…but she just needs more of it. (I dont know if I agree with that…but he’s going to try Zithromax this time which I think is pretty ineffective…but I wasn’t going to point that out after I had to admit to playing an online doctor and I’m pretty sure he would be insulted by me questioning his treatment plan) Anyway… he’s pretty sure it’s bacterial not viral. So…. we wait and see how this all goes.

I honestly don’t think there has been a time when my mom has been here and SOMEONE hasn’t been sick. My mom brings unhealthy juju I think.

Things with the parents are going well. Went shopping with Mom all day yesterday. Today we baked all day. I got a run in this morning and took Em to the doctor this afternoon. Tonight was spent wrapping gifts.

I’m hoping Emma starts to feel better on the new drugs tomorrow….

When I was struggling with infertility, one of the things I dreamed about most was a family Christmas with children running around, my mom’s good cooking, lots of music, cold weather, and just lots of together happiness. I had idllyic visions in my head about what it would be like. A warm comfortable home, my parents there, a beautiful tree, lots of tidings of love, comfort and joy.

It’s never happened. Well.. not around Christmas time anyway. We have gone to Florida at Thanksgiving and celebrated early, but I have always missed having my parents here. I wanted to do it right. Show them the joy. Nurture them in my home.

Now my father has Alzheimer’s and there just aren’t going to be many “dream Christmas” opportunities left.

But it’s finally happening….

My mom and dad are coming today for Christmas. I can not wait. I pick them up in an hour.

I know, I know, I probably have it too romanticized in my brain. I’m setting myself up for disappointment. But I can’t help but be excited. This is it. The first time in a decade that my parents will be in my home, with my kids and all of us together on my favorite holiday of the year.

We have wonderful things planned…. Crafts, plays, Christmas outings to the city….

The only thing that mars it — is knowing neighbors close by are suffering in the dark and cold facing days without power. We have several friends who we have given care package too – including loaning our supplies but you feel helpless really. Because. I. Know. How. It. Feels. To. Be. Without. Power. With. Kids!!! And I just so feel for their suffering during this holiday season.

Anyway… not sure how much I will be blogging over the next ten days. So I want to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

1. My birthday was great. I’m now celebrating my last year of my thirties.
2. Flushed Away wasn’t so great. I saw that today with the family.
3. I would have rather have seen Flicka.
4. I’m not very motivated to blog lately.
5. Not very motivated to run either… do you see a trend here?
6. Stuff is going on in life I can’t blog about.
7. We have a potential interested buyer for our house in Florida. Good vibes are appreciated.
8. Dinara got a new wardrobe today since she looks like she is expecting a flood in her current pants.
9. I bought myself 7 sweaters/shirts at Old Navy.
10. Retail therapy is a great mood lifter.
11. My husband hooked up some wireless thing that allows me to access the DVR downstairs from my upstairs bedroom TV. I love technology!
We got 23 calls from “unavailable or private” numbers today. I can’t wait for the freaking election to be over.
12. I’ve been scrap booking.
13. I went to the scrap booking convention in Bellevue this weekend and it was way fun.
14. Tomorrow is my last infusion!
15. I need to run and grocery shop tomorrow.
16. I’m having a “purse party” next week. It’s designer knock off purses. I got a great Marc Jacobs knock off for $22 at a party I went to last week. Today at the mall 3 people stopped me to tell me what a cute purse I have. I should post a picture.
17. We should find out if we are going to get our puppy by the end of the week. The mom is going for health testing.
18. Dinara decided she wanted this for Christmas today.
19. I paid my kids $10 each for their candy.
20. Dinara found the “video record” function on her digital camera. I thought I’d share the cuteness. Seems the sound isn’t syncing right…but you’ll get the idea.

I’ve had a lovely day. It was pouring down rain so I didn’t run. Figure I’ll hit it tomorrow morning. Plus I had a meeting for coffee with someone from the PTA. Starbucks tastes so good on days like this! Then went and did our emissions testing. Ran a few errands. Came home and made myself a lovely salad and took some chicken out to defrost to make my famous chicken with sun dried tomato and artichokes.

Kids came home at 1:30 and we all got our chores done. Then we played a few board games. Clue Jr was way fun till we realized we set the game up wrong. Then Dinara and I made some double chocolate walnut brownies.

It’s rainy outside… but we are all toasty warm and nesting.

Have you ever thought about what our goals are as parents? What is it we really want to achieve?

Maybe we should start by stating what we believe what it is not.

Our goal as parents is not to just hit the minimum bar right? We aspire more for our children then a lifetime living on the government. When our children turn 18 we are not going to push them out the door and count ourselves grateful that we didn’t kill them before they became legal adults - right?

What is our goal? What is our mission? I think its to nurture them into happy little beings. It’s to teach them. Grow important skills like negotiating, compromise, following instructions, etc. It’s to help them become independent little beings that can survive on their own… and not only be happy, but recognize happiness.

How do we get there do you think? Does all that learning happen by osmosis? Do we just let life unfold and hope they “get it” like our parents hoped we would get it? Or are we going to strive to raise the bar our parents didn’t even have? To help them become well rounded little indviduals by helping them overcome their individual obstacles and exploit their strengths?

I think we should don’t you?

I know you are probably rolling your eyes right now. Cut it out ;) This is important.

So when the kids are arguing? When things are escalating? When you are sitting on your computer and you are engrossed in whatever it is you are doing? Yeah.. you know what I mean. Ignoring the yelling, the arguing, or avoiding it, or just hoping they will stop… or even yelling at them to stop… it isn’t really furthering our mission to raise happy and independent little beings. We need to teach them HOW to negotiate those issues… not just hope they figure it out. That’s our job. And just so you know — sometimes… I get weary having to be the only one who does this teaching. I don’t want to be curriculum director… I want us to do this together as a team.

So your parenting help is appreciated.

I love you, you big lug.

I wonder if I can write anything coherent through the hazy fog of jetlag? I will try.

Honey I’m home!

I’ll start at the beginning and give my vacation recap.

Spent several days with friends in NYC. The weather wasn’t great…but spending time with my friends was wonderful. One of them I have met in person before and the other one I have known online for half a decade. So spending time with them was great. We did the Musuem of Natural History and Central Park and the Zoo. Oh and the subway. That was a big adventure with three kids! (Mommy was a little anxious about it I will admit!) So it was a busy couple of days. We stayed at the W in Times Square, and a big highlight for my kids was going to a deli at 11:30pm the night we arrived. They were mezmorized by the lights. It was a special evening.

Then my cousin picked us up and we headed to NJ. Our family was gathering for my grandparents memorial. They were able to secure permission to do it on the farm my grandparents used to own and where we grandchildren have fond memories. The funny thing is… my grandparents didn’t want a service really… didn’t want to be laid out and viewed. So their children took that to mean that they didn’t want us to gather at ALL. And so they were resistant to “making a fuss” and getting a tent or chairs. So… my cousin did end up ordering chairs but not the tent. And it poured. I mean it POURED. We had umbrellas but we all got soaked. It’s an interesting memory and one that perfectly encapsulates how my family operates. Show no grief, act like you don’t care, totally detach, minimize the problem and then muddle through playing the martyr. All that aside… it was great to be with the dysfunctional family none the less. There were about 40 of us… and it was good for us to come together and grieve. It was cathartic.

After the service we went out to eat at a place my grandparents frequented and rented a room there. They had air conditioning. We were wet. We froze. But the food was good so in my family’s mind…that was all good.

After that everyone went back to my cousins and we sat around and talked. They divided up some of my grandparents coins. There’s a big story there about how my cousin and I played “mediator” on estate decisions, but the background for the story is simply too long to go into here.

Then we had a couple of days to rest. John was still in WA. And so we spent lazy days by the pool. Caught a minor league baseball game, fireworks, went for ice cream and basically enjoyed the NJ summer.

John arrived on the 30th and his plane was diverted to Philly. So he was supposed to get in at like 8pm and didn’t arrive till 1:30.

The following days are really a blur…. Since my cousin lives in the country… it was a 30 min drive to do anything.

One of the days we did Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. We found relatives on the memorial wall. I loved Ellis Island. I am not really a museum person, but this was different. I guess because I have children that immigrated to this country and relatives I know who went through Ellis….. it just meant more to me. It was very interesting. And my kids really learned something. I highly recommend this museum… we loved it.

Then we went to the Statue of Liberty and went up as far as they will let you now. (pedastool). They have a glass ceiling in her so you can “look up her skirt” and see the inside. They do a short park ranger talk on her history… and I found the part about how they handled 9-11 particularly interesting.

Another day we went and visited another cousin. Then we all went horseback riding. That was GREAT fun. We lied and told them Noah was seven and he did wonderfully. Kids loved it. Then we went back to my cousin’s house. We walked through this quaint town and shared a nice meal together.

Another day we went and saw Superman in 3D at an Imax theatre. Great movie. I loved it. Then we went and had a wonderful seafood dinner. That was on the fourth. We skipped fireworks because it was too far away and we were all tired….

Another day we went back into the city. We took the Ferry from NJ. Saw the Lion King. Made sure my husband got to get a Pastrami on Rye. Loved the Lion King. Amazing show. Glad we took the kids to see it. I think it’s an excellent “entry” into the Broadway experience for kids. Then we went to the Empire State Building. Nothing there has changed much. It’s overpriced but at least they can say they did it. Then we went and got some famous NYC Pizza. Hubby was in heaven. Nothing like NYC thin pizza. Then we got on the wrong ferry back to NJ. The weather cleared up (it was raining) and we are on top of the boat in the middle of the river when I realized we were not on the right boat. We were tired… but what could we do? I went up and talked with the captian who told me I couldn’t even get back to NYC because this boat was now out of service. Then he laughed and said “just kidding!” They took us back, pointed us to the right boat slip and we tried again. So we have pictures of us on the boat smiling with the Empire State Building in the background before we realized we were on the wrong boat. Heh.

Another night we got a babysitter and went out to dinner with our cousins and went to a comedy club. That was nice. We always enjoy spending time with them…

There were other little things we did …but that’s pretty much the vacation in a nutshell…

Other statements of interest from our trip:

1. Noah and Emma got swimmer’s ear.
2. Noah I think is developing a sinus infection.
3. Dinara is getting a fever blister.
4. I am convinced that #2 and #3 are because my kids didn’t get enough rest on this trip.
5. #4 is a huge achievement for me because I tend to microfocus on my kids sleeping habits and make them go to bed early.
6. I think I might have lost a whole 1% of body fat on this trip and several pounds.
7. I took a FORZA class. Which is an exercise class in sword fighting. Hard to explain but it was challenging and I got blisters.
8. I got to canter with my horse. I havent’ ridden a horse in decades. My butt and inner thighs hurted for days. But the fat girl in my head was so glad that the normal sized girl got to experience this joy again.
9. I got to compare my relationship with my husband to my cousin’s with her husband. And I realize that many of us are fighting the same battles and trying to learn the same lessons. And that maybe if we just surrender…. We would be happier.
10. I like vacations where I am “challenged” in some way.
11. Vacations are wonderful and offer many opportunities for growth and change.
12. Vacations help you to appreciate the structure and security of home.

The house is quiet. It’s 11:30 and I’m tired, but not sleepy. So here I am. Blogging. Lucky you.

It was a busy day today. Spent some time with friends. Drank lots of coffee at Starbucks. Made poodle skirts for my kids. Cleaned my whole downstairs. But morning didn’t start off great.

I came downstairs and got coffee. Like normal. Then sat down to read my email. My mom wrote me this morning to thank me for her Mother’s Day Package. I sent her a Micro Cooker from Pampered Chef she had been wanting. She thanked me for that. She thanked me for the mousepad and notecards the kids made. Those were acknowledged. But the scrapbook I made of her grandchildren? That I spent HOURS on and was really beautiful? Not a mention.

I remember as a child my mom not putting up my artwork. I remember her not wearing the tacky jewelry I bought her. And now still at age 38, I am still marveling at her abilty to cut me down to the quick. My first reaction of course was outrage. The thought “I will never make that woman another thing in my life” crossed through my mind more then once.

Then I progressed to hurt. Really hurt. I don’t think I spent enough time with the hurt actually. Today was busy with making poodle skirts and all. (and I made Emma’s twice so… really… it was a very busy day!)

Now I’m just sort of numb. I talked with my sister about it. She basically wasn’t much help because she all but called me an idiot for expecting a different reaction from our mother. So there wasn’t really much comfort there either.

Emma heard me talking about it with John this morning. She said to me “Gramma didn’t thank you for the scrapbook?” I said “ nope”. She said “Oh wow mom, you’d never do that to us.”

Is it wrong that I want my mother to know that her 9 year old grandchild recognizes her mothering short-comings?

But did I mention the beautiful poodle skirts?

Amazingly, I didn’t over eat through my hurt. So I figure I’ve progressed a lot or I am so detached that it’s not effecting me. I think it’s progress through because if I was detached I wouldn’t be writing about it.

Tonight John took the kids to the Sock Hop at school. I’m burned out on school activities and have had such a busy week… this seemed like a good opportunity for Daddy time. So I stayed home. And what did I do you ask? I cleaned.

Yet another sign that perhaps something is bothering me. But I didn’t eat.

Two good things did happen today. Two people said it looked like I lost weight. I consider that a minor miracle actually. Did you know that when I lost 100 lbs there were still people who wouldn’t say “wow… you’ve lost weight!” I finally figured out that people don’t like to recognize weight loss in really fat people. It makes them uncomfortable to have to admit they actually were paying attention to how fat you were all along. So I always make an effort to recognize fat loss achievements in fellow fatties.

I’m kind that way.

Anyway… After I cleaned, I took a shower. And it was really a hot one. And then I laid down in my bed to read my new Oprah Magazine. But I fell asleep. For about 25 minutes. But it was a hard sleep.

Did I tell you I took a Yoga class the other day? (Bonnie are you reading this?!) It was good. It was challenging. I could still feel the workout today. Deep tissue. Made me recognize muscles I didn’t know existed way back there in in my back. Anyway… I think it really helped me to sleep better. Next week I’m supposed to go with a friend to a yoga place in Seattle that is more spiritual focused. I liked that yoga slowed me down and made me more present. It took more mental focus then I expected.

So now my downstairs is clean. But I still have three loads of laundry to fold. But now at least I can enjoy my weekend. I can’t stand when my house is so messy that I can’t enjoy myself. It’s like I can’t give myself permission to do things for me without order in my house. Weird huh? It’s a touch OCD… but it works for me.

You know, if my kids acted like my mother with regards to a gift… I’d give them a consequence. What do you do to a 59 year old woman though?

I can’t change her. I can’t make her value things I create. My mom has made tremendous progress this year in being more “feeling” and yet today she showed me just how far a road we still have to go.

I won’t be telling my mother about the beautiful poodle skirts I made the girls today I guess.


Emma had a temp of 103 at the doctor and a raging ear infection. So they faxed the script (amoxy!) to the drugstore and I asked her if I could run through Starbucks for a latte. She said sure. So I’m in the drivethru… cars in front of me and cars behind me and I hear the words that sink every mom’s stomach:

Mom I think I’m going to throw up.

And dammit… I had just cleaned out my car so there were no bags or anything to puke into!!!

I dumped the trash basket on the floor and gave her that and a minute later…blah. Bad thing about the basket is that it had holes in it. It was like one of those Sterilite things…. She threw up so hard she even peed her pants.

Poor baby.

She’s now asleep on the couch and feeling MUCHO better. I just hate when my kids are sick.

How was your morning?

I am enjoying being around my children immensely lately. They have become incredible beings with incredible thoughts. I love talking to them and exploring their minds. Time is going by so fast. I am working hard to savor every moment I have with them.

I thought I’d share some pictures. Here’s one with Emma and her new space between her front teeth. She’ll be getting braces in a couple of weeks.

Then there’s Noah. He’s climbing a lot lately. And is in a big eating phase. And gets boo-boo’s everytime he plays outside. We’ve worn through the knees on at least half a dozen jeans in the past month.

And then there’s Dinara. She’s about to lose her other big front tooth. She’s got that cheeky toothless grin that just screams “I’m seven years old… look at me!”

My kids are growing up.

My nine year old daughter was watching the Discovery Health channel with me and decided that she would like to be a Plastic Surgeon. So me I do a quick calculation and figure that if she did, I could have work done before I was 60. I then proceed to offer to Tivo whatever pl;astic surgery shows she would like to watch.

Rest in Peace Gramma. I’ll miss you more then I can express.
1920 - 2006

A boy was talking to his grandmother about death. The grandmother told the little boy that she was ready for her death and she would go quietly, peacefully and that she was ready to go. The little boy was shocked. He told his grandmother he wanted her to fight for life and to not give up the fight! He felt profound sadness that she would just “give up”. He didn’t understand why she wouldn’t fight.

So the Grandmother decided to demonstrate her beliefs to her grandson. She told him to hold onto the chair with all his might and no matter how much he was pulled, to not get off the chair. He lasted in the chair for a good 10 minutes. The grandmother and the boy’s brothers tried with all their might to pull him off the chair.

Finally… exhausted, he was pulled from the chair and landed on the ground with a loud thud like he was shot from a slingshot. He had some bruises, some scrapes, and a bumped head… but he had lasted longer then anyone expected and put up a good fight.

Then she asked him to get back into the chair. This time she told him when he was pulled to just ease into her arms.

He did.

And then she asked him which felt better? He said the later of course. The first time just hurt him and those around him by prolonging suffering. A peaceful gentle exit was much more comfortable for all those involved.

The little boy finally understood.

My family is clinging to this story as my Grandmother faces her imminent death. My grandmother is exiting this life with peace, grace and tranquility. She’s slowly slipping away… gently easing into the arms of her Heavenly Father.

My grandmother is no longer talking. She is no longer able to move, talk, or open her eyes. Hopefully she is feeling no pain.

I love you Grandma. I will miss you terribly. Go in peace.

Noah was awake at 5am. I don’t know why. I just was in the bathroom and could hear him banging his headboard. So I stumbled into his bedroom and told him it was the middle of the night and go back to sleep. I’m not sure he did. I do know I had trouble falling back asleep. Till I was awoken again at 7am.

I bought some new bath rugs for the kid’s bathroom at Target on clearance yesterday. They are such a pretty blue. Anyway… this morning there was a poop turd on one of them. There’s an opportunity to teach a lesson in here about boy butt wiping sitting ON the toliet. So much for buying lovely things for my children.

Dinara is testing everyone’s resolve. She’s into seeing how far she can push things. In the car on the ride home she was “convinced” that Emma ate her candy and figured even if there was no real reason to assume Emma at the candy… she could still just assume it was her because she was closest to the candy last time she saw the candy. There was no negotiating with her. Then she realized after Noah kept saying “let’s just stop talking about this…who cares really?” that it was in fact NOAH who took the candy.

Then Dinara spent 10 minutes arguing with Noah that she should not have to give him his punching balloon back because it was her AIR inside it. Then finally she punched it over to him, hit him in the head and told him he could have the stupid balloon she didn’t want it anyway and to enjoy her spit. Nice. *sigh*

We had to be at the orthodontist today at 9am. I paid 2K. That deserves it’s on paragraph don’t you think?

Now ask me how dramatic an prepubescent 8 year old can be about expanders. Gah. Suffer silently please. Then in the car Dinara said she was going to her friends house. I said it was too early and so she said something about “how can it be too early if we just got back from the dentist appointment?” To which then Emma launched into a long diatribe about how it wasn’t Dinara’s dentist appointment but HERS. So I stopped the car, gave her the evil eye in the rear view mirror and in a very angry tone of voice told her to knock off being so argumentative… that Dinara said “a” dentist appointment not “her” dentist appointment and perhaps she should try to be a bit more pleasant.

It’s only 10am. The kids are on midwinter break. It’s going to be a fun day.

I’m home!

It was a good trip. I don’t think I’ve sold the house (I am negotiating with someone but they want me to come down lower in price then I feel comfortable doing right now.) but I almost feel that wasn’t the real reason the universe had for the trip.

I don’t think I’ve gotten to spend time with my parents alone for any length of time since I had children. And because of some family issues that are going on right now, there were lots of opportunities for deep discussions. I feel there was some healing that took place and growth.

It is hard to watch the decline of my father but I found myself incredibly patient with him. It was really almost uncharteristic. I just really was present in the moments and fully aware that “today” was the best it was going to get. Those thoughts empowered me to be able to realistically let go of the little stuff.

You know, there is no way to know for sure your loved one has Alzheimer’s until the post mortem. They can guess…but there are various types of dementia and it’s causes are pretty much a big black hole that science hasn’t been able to fill with anything more profound then more questions. Anyway… in our family, we have always clung to this hope that perhaps it wasn’t Alzheimer’s. That maybe it was the diabetes, or perhaps it was the sleep apnea. Or maybe it was a combination. Or perhaps since my father was put on Aracept so soon, he would have two decades instead of one. Hard for me to admit, but even I clung to hope that perhaps the doctors were wrong.

On the way home there was a lady sitting next to me in the plane who had just come from Sanibel Island with her two friends. Every year they take a vacation. Last year, they realized that Martha was very confused. And this year Martha confirmed for them that she has Mild Alzheimer’s. I sat for an hour talking with this woman about the pain of what this disease does and how it affected their vacation. And through her words, I found myself saying “My dad does that too” all too often.

Amazing how the universe brings situations to your doorstep to help you settle your mind.

For me, even though this trip didn’t bring about the closure of a home sale, and I missed my kids more then I can even describe, I was able to pull some gifts from the time I was able to spend alone with my thoughts. In a nutshell here are the things I came up with:

1. I’ve got 2 years if I am lucky with my dad. I need to make the most of it.
2. My mom is only now becoming aware the price of her emotional detachment.
3. The conversations I have in my head need to be more positive because they have power. When I keep them positive, I feel better. There is no sense focusing so much energy on things I can’t control.
4. I have the power to make my life feel “effortless” by how I choose to construct it. I’m letting go of the drama.
5. Daily Mediation for me? Necessary. I feel so much better when I do it.
6. Peace is a priority for me.
7. In the relationships that matter most to me, it pays to really think about what the ideal relationship would look like and what I can do to take it to the next level. And I need to set the goals not only to my own bar but according to what the other is capable of… (this is the hard one for me)
8. Free time is crucial for building relationships. If you fill up your life too much, you don’t have time to nurture what is most important.
9. I like a more emotional me even though its more painful and I feel more vulnerable.
10. Practicing gratitude is also crucial to my mental health.

So… I got some sunshine. I got to read books!! I got some quality time with my parents. I got to spend some great time with my sister. I feel emotionally “lighter” then I have in a long time and I have a new sense of focus on what I need to be working on in my life.

Not bad for a week’s work.

Hah! You thought I was done with the Bird Flu didn’t ya? I’m not. I’m still watching it. And although I’m not posting all the news… the article I share below is interesting. In a nutshell…. the virus needs 10 mutations… needs to acquire ten things to be “efficient” going human to human. In the girls who died in Turkey, they found it has mutated and now has 8. Of course each mutation is different… and this isn’t necessarily a final countdown… but it’s enough to give someone who is educated pause right?

Yesterday I was talking with my mom. She understands my need to be prepared for the bird flu but does not see her own need to be prepared. She says “you have to do it because you have kids”. She even agrees that eventually it could go human to human. But still she doesn’t see the need for a proverbial insurance policy.

Later on in the convo, she is talking about how her sister isn’t watching her protein intake. (She’s had weight loss surgery). My mom tells me she can’t understand how she can’t see the longterm implications of not taking care of herself. How small things she could do now could make her life much better in the future. That at some point in the future, this lack of self care is going to catch up with her.

To which I responded: Oh… you mean like how your lack of self care simply buying a 50# bag of rice to prepare for the bird flu could kill you in the future?

I love moments of clarity with my family.

Here’s the article:

Nature 439, 248-249 (19 January 2006) | doi:10.1038/439248a

http://www.nature.com/nature/journa…ll/439248a.html

Alarms ring over bird flu mutations
Declan Butler

Top of pageAbstractTurkish virus shows increased affinity for humans.

Scientists studying virus samples from the human outbreak of avian flu in Turkey have identified three mutations in the virus’s sequence. They say that at least two of these look likely to make the virus better adapted to humans.

The Turkey outbreak is unusual, because of the large family clusters of cases; the fact that many of those infected have only mild symptoms; and the speed with which infections have arisen — twenty cases, including four deaths, in less than two weeks. So scientists are urgently trying to establish whether the virus is behaving differently in this outbreak from previous ones in Asia. In particular, international teams are investigating the possibility that the virus is moving between people.

“With such a large number of cases within such a short period of time, human-to-human transmission is something that we’ve had to consider,” says Maria Cheng, a spokeswoman at World Health Organization (WHO) headquarters in Geneva.

As Nature went to press, samples from the first two teenagers in the country to die had been sequenced by a WHO collaborating centre at the National Institute of Medical Research (NIMR) in London.

The results so far are not comforting. The first mutation found, announced last week, involves a substitution in one sample of an amino acid at position 223 of the haemoagglutinin receptor protein. This protein allows the flu virus to bind to the receptors on the surface of its host’s cells.

This mutation has been observed twice before — in a father and son in Hong Kong in 2003, and in one fatal case in Vietnam last year. It increases the virus’s ability to bind to human receptors, and decreases its affinity for poultry receptors, making strains with this mutation better adapted to infecting humans.

The same sample also contained a mutation at position 153 of the haemoagglutinin protein, Nature has learned. Cheng says this information was not included in WHO statements, because “it is not clear what role this particular change plays”.

Finally, both samples from the Turkish teenagers show a substitution of glutamic acid with lycine, at position 627 of the polymerase protein, which the virus uses to replicate its genetic material. This mutation has been seen in other flu sequences from Eurasian poultry over the past year. It was also present in the one person who died during an outbreak of H7N7 in the Netherlands in 2003, and in a few people in Vietnam and Thailand.

The recent outbreak of bird flu in Turkey has thrown up viruses with mutations that threaten humans.
The polymerase mutation is one of the ten genetic changes that gave rise to the 1918 pandemic flu virus. Like the 223-haemoagglutinin mutation, it signals adaptation to humans, says Alan Hay, director of a WHO influenza laboratory at the NIMR. “There is this glutamic acid–lysine flip,” he explains. “Glutamic acid is associated with flu-virus replication in birds, and lycine is in primates.”

The Turkey strains are the first in which the polymerase and receptor-binding mutations have been found together. They could make it easier for humans to catch the virus from poultry. But they might also favour human-to-human transmission. This is because the polymerase change helps the virus to survive in the cooler nasal regions of the respiratory tract, and the haemoagglutinin mutation encourages the virus to target receptors in the nose and throat, rather than lower down in the lungs. The virus is thought to be more likely to spread through droplets coughed from the nose and throat than from infections lower down.

Hay points out, however, that it is difficult to predict how the mutations will actually influence the virus’s behaviour. He adds that just two changes are unlikely to create efficient human-to-human transmission on their own.

Establishing what effects these changes are having on the epidemiology of the current outbreak is a top priority for research teams working in Turkey. “We must learn more about the mild cases and be absolutely sure of whether these viruses are behaving differently from those we have seen elsewhere,” says Hay. “It is early days in terms of what we know about the viruses causing these infections.”

Researchers are sequencing more strains from the Turkey cases, to see whether they share the mutations and to check for further changes. Samples were expected to arrive in London on 18 January, after being held up for more than a week in Turkey because of the Eid ul-Adha holiday period.

I’m just posting again because I think I have a caching problem with my site….

I think my son is a really smart kid. There are moments I really have to remind myself that he’s five. Those moments tend to revolve around things like when I saw he colored in his belly button red with his new markers and yesterday when he put his head under the downspout of rain at school to pretend to wash his hair.

I’m here. My morning has sucked. I’m having a poor me pity party. Want to come join me? Everyone can but my husband who is banned from this pity party because he has contributed to my stress.

Firstly, I can’t find a piece of paper I need and it’s in a whole box of stuff I can’t find. And how could I lose a whole box? Trust me, I rarely lose anything. I’m observant to a tee…and I’m slightly OCD. So the combination means I rarely lose things. And since I’m irritated with myself about that it wasn’t a far jump to be irritated with my husband about a host of other things.

My husband I think has made a crucial error regarding our FSA medical spending account. And the word error is a euphemism. This “error” could be to the tune of about Three Thousand Dollars after tax. Eeek! And currently, I am too angry with him to put anything constructive in print…. So let’s just leave it that he’s not invited to ANY party of mine.

Maybe my party should be titled “Why do I have to manage everything in this house and all you have to do is show up?” Come on… I know there are other wives out there that must feel the same way sometimes?

Emma is into writing stories lately. She’s quite good. She wrote this very involved story about a dog named Sanibel and her four kids. Problem is… she named each of the puppies the following:

Sanibel Jr.
Sanibel Jr. Jr.
Sanibel Jr. Jr. Jr.
Sanibel Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr.

Her father suggested to her this morning that perhaps the story would be easier to follow if she chose different names for the puppies. She laughed and then told her father that Sanibel is in fact psychotic in this story and it’s crucial to the plot that all the dogs be named Sanibel. Her father then agreed that then naming all the dogs Sanibel was a good idea.

Well – ok then. I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what psychotic meant when I was 8 years old. I’m not sure if I should be proud or very afraid!

I do get some sense of pride in the way I parent my kids. I feel I do a pretty good job. I am clear, concise and consistent with directions and instructions. My kids understand consequences – both positive and negative – come as a direct result of the choices they make.

I have used bribes as part of my philosophy for as long as I remember. I believe that bribes, positive reinforcement, rewards, or whatever euphuism you want to use, is setting expectations for how real life works. As adults, we make decisions based on what we expect the outcome to be. I mean you don’t get up and haul yourself into work just because you love the atmosphere. You are there for a paycheck. And I think money is a big motivator.

I could sideline here into a big discussion on teaching your kids money management skills…but I will instead say that part of this little parenting theory has backfired. For all the good I believe that this philosophy has done, there is one negative that has come from it.

My 8 year old will not do anything without expecting some sort of payment. I mean, I can tell her to do it anyway… but she doesn’t do anything with a cheerful heart. How do you teach a cheerful heart? How can I rationalize my parenting philosophy to deal with this problem? I have created an instant gratification monster.

There must be some “switch” that gets turns on at some point. I mean I give back. I volunteer extensively, I clean, I provide and create wonderful memories for my family that are not tied to a dollar sign. Perhaps that is the key… I need to figure out a way to emotionally reward them without it being the instant gratification of monetary payment - yet just as effective as the instant gratifcation of money.

Wonder how my little crime boss will feel if I switch to hugs?

I’ll say one thing for family stress… it’s great for my house. When I feel like I don’t have control and something is upsetting me… I tend to focus on something I can control. Like the mess in my house. Organizing something gives me the illusion of control. It soothes my spirit and makes everything ok.

Today I cleaned my garage.

Which means there must be something really big bothering me.

Gee.. I wonder what it could be.

The key word there was big. Big almost always can be linked to my mother.

My dad is really confused as he is recovering from his surgery. He won’t follow instructions, he’s argumentative with my mother, and he’s in an “altered” state and is in danger of hurting himself. This really is no surprise to me. What is surprising to me is that this is surprising to my mother. And the retired ER nurse is making piss-poor medical choices. She keeps vacillating between martyr and victim and it’s about to send me over the edge!

I am finding it hard to be supportive of my mom when she calls me on the phone. . I’m finding that I can’t maintain a calm composure because I’m so frustrated by her inability to deal effectively with the situation. She is flat out making stupid choices – and she’s not a stupid woman. So what gives? She KNOWS the correct choice, but she refuses to medically advocate for my father and instead laments how difficult this all is. She gets in her head something she can fix and she focuses on that. Like making my dad eat. He literally is forgetting to pick up a fork time after time to eat. He forgets midstream. But in the grand scheme of things to focus on … this is not that important. I mean he’s getting some nourishment… let the guy not eat!!! (My dad is overweight he’s not going to fade away!)

He’s getting up in the middle of the night and yet needs assistance to walk. So my mom is not getting any sleep. When he was in the hospital, he would crawl over the bed rails to get out. And they couldn’t restrain him due to some sort of laws…. So every 15 mins… my mom would have to get up with him. Thing is… my brother in law was there the first night and told my mom that my dad was doing this. So I told my mom to make sure they ordered a strong sleeping pill for my dad. She didn’t do that. And then the next day she’s complaining about how bad it was. Why didn’t she order the sleeping pill? She said she did ask… but I don’t think she did because I’m sure it was a standing order. And I asked then why she didn’t ask the nurse to call the doctor on call. My mom said “I didn’t want to bother them”. Mom… this is what being a medical advocate is… you have to stand up for dad! She also took him off of pain pills too early. She has this fear he’s going to get “addicted”. It’s like mom… let him have the pain pills!!! He’s going to die in the next ten years… if he’s addicted to pain pills who cares?

And that is what feels so horrible. I can’t get her to really see her role with my father. She now admits this surgery was a bad idea. When she was here, I tried to talk her out of it. I flat out told her I thought that this surgery stood a 50/50 shot of putting dad in a nursing home. Well.. her response was “It’s for his quality of life and/or He wants the surgery”. Gah. She’s still letting a mentally demented person make healthcare decisions! Just like she was letting him dose his own insulin. It’s like… she thinks if she lets him make his own decisions he really wont have Alzhiemers.

So I am frustrated. And now my garage is clean.

I know that personally, the growth is for me to sit with this discomfort. I’m finding it hard to not rush in and rescue them. I want to go there and fix it all. And yet… I know that really wouldn’t change anything either. What I really want is for my mom to be the type of caregiver I would aspire to. And it’s creating a waterfall of emotional baggage that is crashing around me because she’s not rising to the occasion. Again.

But hey… at least my garage is clean.

Dinara had the second part of her appointment with an Audiologist last week. It was with a different doctor and one that specializes in APD. (Auditory Processing Disorder). They spent about 3 hours doing various tests. I waited in the waiting room. This doctor wanted to work 1:1 with her. Went fine although after break number gazillion, I will admit to bribing her to “just push through it”. She doesn’t like to do tests she can’t master so I can hardly blame her wanting to take lots of breaks.

So after it was over, they spent 30 minutes analyzing the results and then gave me this Power Point presentation. Wow. Power Point. That was a tip off. I bet you don’t get the Power Point presentation when your kid doesn’t have APD. There were four major areas and Dinara scored in three of them. She actually had issues in all four, but they want to focus on just three. I don’t remember everything they told me and I’m waiting for the written report, but in a nutshell these are three areas she has difficulty in:

Output and Organization Deficit. It presents that she can hear it and understand it but cannot remember it. People usually describe these children as disorganized, impulsive and a poor planner. They have trouble communicating and understanding in noisy environments. They often have difficulty with expressive language and word retrieval.

Auditory Associative Deficit: Presents as “I heard you but I don’t understand or I don’t understand what you mean”. This will present with her having difficulty understanding passive or complex sentences. Difficulty comprehending information in increasing complexity. Difficulty understanding multi-meaning words - among many other problems that are too numerous to list. They expect that this will most likely really show up academically around third grade.

Auditory Decoding Deficit. This presents as almost mimicking high frequency hearing loss as they can’t distinguish fine acoustic differences in speech. It will present with major problems in reading, spelling and semantic and vocabulary skills. It creates an auditory chaos and she will have trouble when there isn’t redundancy and ways for her to get other cues.

So our next step is now to take her to a Neuro-Physiologist for general testing. She went to a Neuro Develompental Practioner in Seattle, who did a neuro evaluation on her. I didn’t start with the Neurophysiologist because friends of mine who have gone to both said this NDP came up with the same diagnosis as the NPhysiologist at 20% of the cost. But I suppose now with the APD and Audiologist recommendation, the insurance will pay for the NPhysiologist. So why not right? I do not feel like the APD explains 100% of the problem. I just think it’s about 85%.

So there are two parts we will be pursuing at this point. First, we will start creating a treatment plan for the APD. We are probably looking at intensive speech therapy. Daily or every other day. (This ought to be fun… dragging three kids to speech therapy several times a week?) I’ll start researching more about methods. For APD, the Fast Forward program is supposed to be amazing. I’ll also follow up on the Tomatis method and learn more about that. Secondly, I’ll set up an appointment with the Nphysiologist. I know which Pediatric one I want to go to who has worked with other internationally adopted kids and has a focus on language has a waiting list. I will also need to figure out if we should just bipass the Neurophysiologist at this point and just start at the very top with a Pediatric Neurologist. More research I guess.

So there is some good news in all this. Now that we have a formal diagnosis the school cannot remove her IEP. Dinara is reading so well I was worried they would try because they tried to last year. She is actually reading which really surprised the doctor. The Audiologist says she must have a fairly high IQ because she is compensating in so many different ways to overcome her disability. In her mind, with as severe as Dinara tested out she shouldn’t be reading at all. So that’s good.

I guess I also want to say that we wouldn’t have this diagnosis if I had waited for some doctor to help me. I found out about APD on the internet. My General Practioner didn’t know about it, the school sure as heck didn’t know about it or help me with it, the school psychologist didn’t help me and even the speech pathologists didn’t help me. I would explain what was going on with Dinara and people would look at me with a blank stare. I’d get some sort of look like “oh you just have an ADD kid” or “your expectations are too high”. I knew something was wrong. I had to find it on the internet, then ask for a referral to an Audiologist. Then I had to find one that specialized in APD. Then I had to wait till Dinara was 7 because they couldn’t “norm” her till then. And now… we know. Now at least we can come up with a plan to manage this learning disability. So my advice to other parents out there is not to expect the “experts” to really be able to diagnose anything. I think when you think something isn’t right, you have to be really persistent to get it figured out. Or lucky to get someone who can figure it out on the first shot.

I have so much to write about, I don’t even know where to start. How often does that happen?

My parents left today. It was a good trip but it was a bittersweet trip. There just isn’t any denying the decline in my father’s mental capacity any longer. He could not put new laces in his shoes. He could not get his seat belt buckled 90% of the time. He could not follow television shoes and preferred shows that used repetition and rephrasing like the news and the weather channel. Much humor went over his head. He inferred things that just weren’t true. His dementia hasn’t progressed the way I thought it would. Mom said that what they say is that he has lost mostly “executive functioning and reasoning”. Which means that he can’t do tasks that a person with a Master’s degree should be able to do. His speech has slowed down a lot. He has to stumble to find words. He doesn’t complete some sentences. It was sad. And yet he’s lucid in many ways. We were talking about how he copes with all these things and he said it’s difficult. And I mentioned that many times he’s been “wrong” when he says things and I don’t want to correct him and hurt his feelings. He was quick to tell me he wants family to do that… (although I know for a fact when my mom does it – it sends him over the edge). Anyway… it was a deep conversation. So who knows. It’s just so very hard to practice my coping skill of choice when they are “here”. Detachment is hard when you are living with it day in and day out.

My mom’s judgement continues to concern me as well. My father is having back surgery on Dec 12th. I’m a bit nervous about that… but I’m sure I”ll practice my fine level of detachment. Anyway.. on this trip my father had a few days of high blood sugar and we realized he was getting confused and injecting himself with AIR instead of insulin. He would see a ‘line’ in the needle when he was drawing it up but it would only have a couple of units and there would be an air bubble. Probably because he is a bit shakey. Anyway… finally got my mom to realize only SHE needs to be doing his medicines from now on.

Also convinced her that he needs a follow up on his sleep apnea to make sure it’s correct. He’s sleeping so much I’m not sure it’s right. I also think he’s experiencing a high level of anxiety because of the feeling out of control because of the dementia. So I told mom I think she needs to ask for him to be on some type of anti-anxiety meds. He does take Xanex at night sometimes… but I think he needs to be on it all the time. He seems to really get anxious whenever there is a new situation or he anticipates something new. This seems like it’s actually something they can treat. No reason for him to suffer. I also think he’s got the beginnings of Parkinsons. He was very very shakey a lot. All of it is so hard to watch.

My daughter gained 8 lbs while my mom was here. I know my mom can’t help it…but if you ever want to peel back the layers on why I was fat… you can start square one with my mom and the way she ties giving love to giving food.

Also did have a good time with mom though. They did a great job while we were away in Hawaii. I couldn’t believe how smoothly she kept everything running. I really did appreciate them watching the kids. I need to send her a thank you note.

Dinara had her Audiologist appointment and does have Auditory Processing Disorder… I’ll write more about that later this weekend. There’s enough there for a whole post.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I need to post my Turkey Brine recipe. It came out so wonderful. Really made delish gravy too. It was a nice day. I feel like I have so much to be grateful for in my life. Yes, my life gets so stressful sometimes but what blessings I have in my life.

Today we put up the tree. And I spent an hour playing with the kids putting the trains up around the tree. The Geotrax trains. Gosh… can I just say that I love these trains? My kids all love them too. All of them. Santa is going to bring some more for Christmas!

GeoTrax Picture and Christmas Tree

I’m going to go enjoy some down time and read in bed!!!

I’m here.

My parents didn’t evacuate even though they are under a mandatory evacuation. I pleaded with them to at least go stay with my sister since my mom just had surgery, has a PIC line and dad has dementia. They are still at home. I’m a bit hurt by it all… I’m waiting for my pain to turn to anger so I can just use it to detach. They did this during Charley to me… and I thought we had an “agreement”. And it angers me that they are just so reckless my feelings. I mean going to my sisters is not like asking them to stay at hotel. My sister lives in a beautiful home. It’s just they are like real old people and don’t want to leave their place. They know how I feel about this… and would it have been so freaking hard to just go to my sisters? No it wouldn’t. And this is the crap that family feuds are made of…

So we wait. And I stew in the worry and anger of their inertia and stuborness.

Good news is that my rentors evacuated. At least *they* had brains. And now I dont have to worry about that liability.

There are not many things my family can do that cause me to feel blinding white hot rage. But the one sure fire way to bring me to the brink, is to deny all logic and put yourself in harms way. Again and again my mom and dad do this to me. I don’t view their lack of inaction to prepare for potential catastrophe as simply inertia… Logically I guess I do grasp that truth. But on the deepest level – forged somewhere in the bond between parent and childhood, when they make decisions like not getting out of the way of a hurricane or not preparing well in advance… it feel like they don’t care enough about ME to do so. Their apathy stings me. It makes me feel helpless and I hate that! It feels like they are abandoning me – leaving me to twist in the wind with the love I feel for them. A love that is so powerful yet inadequate to persuade them to take action. The love does me no good… it simply tightens like a noose around my neck – threatening to suck the very breath out of me and leaving my to feel like a deep vacuum cavern.

I’m not being melodramatic ya know. Remember? Here we go again.

I said to my mom last night… please… just call and make a hotel reservation. If the storm turns or you decide not to go, then you can cancel it. But at least make the reservation. She dismissed me.

This morning, I called again at 8am when I woke up to the headlines of this being the strongest storm on record. She paid a bit more attention this time… but again, she was complacent. Told me that I worry too much. They did go get gasoline and some water. We made some half hearted joke about making sure they take an axe and some neon spray paint into the attic.

Then just awhile ago I’m talking to her and I guess I feel a bit better- knowing that not everything is falling on deaf ears. They did finally make a hotel reservation. So then I brought up her medicine. She just got out of the hospital from the amputation. She’s got a PIC line with a med that is only delivered every two days. My concern is that with a cat five storm, they will run out of the medicine. She might not even be able to drive to go get it. So I suggested she ASK about it. Maybe get a week or so of the powder to mix up herself just in case. And then she acts all insulted I would even THINK she doesn’t have this covered. (She doesn’t of course, but she wants me to think she does!) She informs me that of course the hospital is going to have at least a month of this in stock. Says it like she’s all knowledgeable and authortaive. Of course she’s not getting it from the hospital she’s getting it from an IV infusion company. And really… this is all academic. Because my question? How do you know mom? Did you ask? Are you going to ask? Just please ASK!

At some point, you have to come up with ways to cope with your family in times of crisis. I need to push away this feeling of abandonment I feel when they do not try to take care of themselves. I am not the parent. I can not force them to do anything. Part of me, wants to go to the “cut them off” method. Ok… you guys are adults and you just figure out everything on your own and give me a call when you can. But then the responsible side of me thinks that I need to be a grown up and try to work through this with them. That perhaps, something will sink in. And I guess I should feel happy at least the hotel reservation was made.

My life is just one big bowl of stress lately.

Of course the buyer for the house isn’t going to sign the contract till after the hurricane. I haven’t heard from him either. And I don’t expect to. I figure if the hurricane goes through and we are lucky enough to have no damage, then perhaps I might as well go down there and try to sell it. I’ll figure that out later.

My neighbor just called to alert me to the fact that my two youngest were teamed with her son taking lunch treats (chips & candy) out of her garage. We do that too, keep our “Costco stash” in our garage for storage and my kids have been told before they are not allowed to help themselves or take food from other kids. This isn’t the first time my kids have been caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

I wonder if I create some sort of backlash with my kids because I keep such a tight rein on treats in our house. We push fruits, veggies and proteins instead of chips, crackers and treats. And so when my kids get them, they think they are in heaven. Perhaps I am creating monsters when it comes to sugar? Is it possible my kids have some sort of sugar deprivation?

So we sat both down to talk about how stealing is wrong. And that stealing is wrong is even when you don’t get caught. Noah piped up with that ‘Looting is ok if it’s food”. Obviously little ears have overheard mommy and daddy discussions as of late. We set him straight about how looting for food in a disaster is not the same as stealing a bag of chips. Tough lesson for a five year old.

Last night my sister called to tell me that my brother in law was going to have to go back into the hospital. He went on Monday, they gave him drugs but it’s not getting better. From what they describe, it sounds like he has an infection brewing and perhaps a few seromas. Anyway… the pathology on his tumor came back and they have no idea what it is. They are going to write him up in journals. But it’s so invasive; they don’t think they can remove it. So even though it isn’t cancer, they might have to treat it like cancer. They don’t know anything yet, but needless to say it’s very stressful. And he’s feeling like crap. And it looks like his mother’s breast cancer has metastasized. And his sister just got fired from her job because she was taking off so much time to help care for her mom. Life is just a bowl of cherries for them right now. I feel helpless to ease their suffering.

So my sister calls last night to tell me that they are going to have to take him back to Tampa and perhaps open him back up tomorrow (today). She can not take off anymore time from work and the trip to Tampa is 2 ½ hours. She can not lose her job at this point. So my mom had agreed to take him.

But of course NOTHING from my mom is ever just “given” because you have a need. There is always a price to be paid. Always. It’s like fucking clockwork.

So my mom calls my sister last night 20 minutes before she’s going to bed to basically “vent” about how she’s going to have to take my dad with her to Tampa because of his problems. (another long story) She goes on and on about