Extraordinary Mundane

I have written before about my insufferable need to always be trying to improve things. This little neurosis of mine has really served me well in life. I attribute it to much of my success. However, it’s really tiring. It takes up a lot of mental energy and it causes me to churn on things that are often out of my control.

I have a good life. Why must I focus on what it isn’t instead of focusing on what it “is?”. I am financially secure, I have people who love me, great kids, good health, a partner who adores me and a rewarding life. It’s time to start enjoying it.

By focusing on what things are not and focusing on what I must do to improve them, I am really practicing a type of detachment. I am spending so much time thinking about how to make it better in the future I am not enjoying the here and now.

I have turned over a new leaf.

Now instead of focusing on what isn’t right and trying to make it better… I am going to focus on what is right and actually enjoying it. This is not to say that I am going to completely give up the joys of betterment. However I do believe this noticable shift will change my attitude and energy outlay for much of what goes on in my life.

Today: Walked a mile and swam 1/2 mile in 27 mins. (SLOW!)
Dinner tonight: PF Changs Baby! It’s date night!

This year we are doing a new take on the whole resolutions shtick. We are instead making a family plan. Not *that* kind of family plan. It’s more like a road map about what what we want to accomplish next year.

I’ve always been the planner in our family. It comes naturally to me. I like to organize, I like having goals and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with achieving them. And even if I can’t make all my goals this year, I believe that just by writing them down, I am that much closer to making them a reality. I give them energy.

By developing a list of goals, I am defining what success looks like. My family and I are working together to bring clarity about what it is we are working towards and letting our values define us.

The thing that has always been lacking, is that my husband hasn’t really been a part of the process. Oh sure, I’ve tried to loop him in, but honestly, his eyes glaze over a bit . Well this year, I was able to get him a bit more engaged when I told him that he could even put down sex goals. LOL I finally realized I just wasn’t talking in a currency that was meaningful to him before. Ha ha!

I’m not going to write out here in my blog all the goals, but I thought some of you might be interested in the subheadings. Many of these are almost like a to do list. On others we spent time together articulating what does the “ideal look like” – what would success mean here — then figured out what steps we needed to take to get there. John and I have goals under most subheads and the kids have goals under some of them.

Marriage
Romance
Spiritual
Financial
Emotional
Security (things like updating wills, creating a disaster plan, buying a new safe, doing an insurance review)
Parenting (where do we need the most work?)
Focused expansion goals for each child (what each child needs to work on)
Children’s social graces
Family values
Attitude
Vacations we want to go on next year
House projects we want to accomplish
Career growth
Fitness Goals
Health Goals (find a new doctor, take vitamins more regularly )
Charity
Relationships
Social
Self Help
Education
Organization
Family Time

At this very moment in your life are you focusing on being “away” from something or focusing on going “towards” something.

My guess is that if you are hopeful and focused forward towards something you would define yourself as happy.
If you are focusing your energy on getting away from something and leaving something behind…. you are not.

Mindset is everything isn’t it?

Tying this to eating…. if you spend all your time focusing on what you CANT have and moving away from being “fat”…. you probably are never going to be happy with a new lifestyle. If you are focused on the positive way you feel, the way you move, the freedom, the overall goodness…. you will probably be successful.

Listening to: Other side of the World: KT Tunstall

Why does our school system focus on individual performance? Should there not be some focus on teaching our children how to work in a group?

Today I went to a building partnerships meeting at our school district. It was with our new principal and the speaker was very motivating and thought provoking. It was sorta like one of those team building exercises, complete with a puzzle… but it was good. The speaker was motivating. And little stuff like this always gets me thinking.

We spend so much of our time rewarding people for individual achievements but really… how much of what we do in the workplace is related to individual achievement? How often are you really working alone?

When I worked at Microsoft, I was surrounded by mostly really smart people. I loved that. And most of the mostly smart people worked very hard. So how do you determine the value of individual team members when they are all smart and good contributers? There’s a value judgement that takes place. And you know what it is? It’s how political they are. How much money you get was directly proportional to how well you could work the system. It was not based on how well you did your work..but rather how effectively you could drive your vision and sell it.

So in the school system, we are focusing completely on how well our children “do”. But maybe what we should be focusing on is how well our children do in a team environment. Maybe we should have classes on how not to get voted off the island. Maybe we should teach them how to negotiate and market ideas. Maybe we should teach them political skills verus simply dropping them into the cess pool of real life. Maybe we should teach them that the path to success is not simply just “white knuckling” your way through with sheer brain power but rather learning to navigate teamwork in a social setting.

I dunno. Just interesting to think about.

I am grumpy. I do not like being grumpy. I do not like the way other people act when I am grumpy. And I do not like that people make so many assumptions that I am acting grumpy because of them. I do not like when people assume they understand why I am grumpy. I do not like when people assume I do not have a valid reason for being grumpy.

That is all.

Well, I didn’t sleep very well last night. I was up this morning at 5:30 unable to get back to sleep. My mind shifting through all the stuff I have to do I am not happy with the state of affairs on how my life is organized right now. The Tri, PTA stuff for this year, PTA stuff for next year, Job, Construction, visitors, all the FL house stuff, the state of my messy house, the greatly reduced time I am spending with my children, the lack of freedom to do anything well, lack of time to engage with people in meaningful ways…my lack of free time to do the things I love. Ugh.

I do not think that there is anything I can really give up. I feel powerless to effect change and I know that is a boundary constructed by own mind. I am longing for how things were a few short months ago. It is easy to have a balanced life when there isnt’ much to balance. My life duties were very compact and there was blissful amounts of freetime to indulge myself in the luxury of time. If you are only balancing 6 rocks on a scale, it’s easier then balancing 40 rocks of all different sizes right? We are in a 50 rock zone right now. Actually more like 65. And there are some pretty big fucking rocks. I am curious to see if I can truly come up with the formula for what is the tipping point. Where is the sweet spot? How many rocks can I balance and juggle before I collapse in utter despair? I am pretty sure that the work here is not in balancing everything but rather changing my level of comfort with each thing. The rock is what it is… stop trying to make it the prettiest rock in the bunch. Shut the hell up, drop it on the pile and move on to the next one. I truly believe that it’s an internal shift I am going to have to make. I am going to have to give up some part of myself and my seductive interplay with control. I think for me, the hard part is having enough space left over to provide leadership.

Time is the most precious resource of all right? If you were in charge of a budget and had to keep a program running… you would try to have some in reserves. Keep some resources for emergencies as insurance to keep things from stopping. But there is no bank of time. It truly is the ultimate measure of how you run the bank of your life. There is no time credit card. There is no real way to keep the extra you have now and put it away for a rainy day. So balancing and budgeting are key skills. Time is not stretchy… the only things that are stretchy are what you do with it and what you expect from it.

Perhaps the key is prioritizing and on the external things using other people’s bar for what is acceptable instead of your own. The stretchy part is to lower your expectations on the rocks that dont matter so much. So… if family and friendships are the key… put your time in there. Things like job, volunterering, projects… use a collective metric of “what is good enough” instead of your own high standards.

What are your values Kym? Let that guide you. Please note: Values not Standards. They are different girl. Time isn’t a resource you can grow. So managing it by determining the proper investment for each project is key. Otherwise you are going to burn up your precious resource on things that aren’t a high priority just because you “can”.

Ok… well… enough waxing poetic. I have a ton of stuff to get done today. Obviously blogging has taken a back seat for awhile…. but thanks for listening.

I am grateful for my life. But I am not grateful just to be grateful. No, what is sort of sick is that I compare my life to others who are making bad bad decisions. And in some cases, making the same bad decisions they made last time and expecting a different outcome. It’s painful to watch. And even more painful if they ask you to participate in their drama. I am so not into drama these days. It’s not worth it. My life is pretty stress free in comparison to others. And I have discovered that I like it that way and work hard to keep it that way!

At some point, I simply “disconnect” from people who just over and over again do the same stupid things or are always having some sort of crisis. When the effort of watching becomes to much - I’m gone. Of course, if I don’t care about them at all, then I watch the whole thing unfold like you rubberneck a car wreck on the side of the highway. You know you shouldn’t watch, but you just can’t help yourself. It’s only painful to watch when I care about the person.

So what does it say about my lack of evolved emotional growth if there is just a tiny little space where I will participate? Hmmm. The thought for the day.

My husband and I had a wholloping fight the other night. Well it was really more about me and my lack of control over my anger. I seem to go through these bouts where I get really really angry. When all my emotions just flood over me. And when things are like this, I get even more frustrated because I don’t feel in control.

Let me share my psycho babble with you.

I watched that Sean Hornbeck interview on Oprah the other day. I cried through the whole things. I am not the type of person to sit and cry. The fact that I even let something on TV touch me that deeply was a bit shocking. But I chalked it up to progress. That I was in fact, more whole, because now the evolved me could feel emotions.

(rereading my post, I realize I didn’t describe how I feel about that interview or how it made ME feel… Ha. I have so much work ahead of me)

Later that evening, I was trying to talk to my husband about the interview. I don’t remember what set me off, but he really “shut down” as he often does. To me, I recognized (after the fact) that I felt abandoned. When I was child, I spent much of my time handling things myself. When there was trauma, I was alone. My parents didn’t really recognize my emotions and all emotions were a bad thing. Even joy was encouraged to be repressed. As children we were encouraged always to be under “tight control.”

So when John didn’t really engage with me and help me to peel back my feelings…. It was like tipping over the apple cart. I felt like I was expected to stay in control. I felt like my feeling weren’t validated. I felt like this huge tsunami of emotions… everything I hold together and process without him through the months… come crashing down on me. It’s like I have this emotional damn. And the Sean Hornbeck interview was a pinprick of emotion. And once the emotions started…there was this huge crack… and the damn burst. I could not differentiate the emotions… it didn’t matter. It was just pure emotion.

Suffice to say, it was not my proudest moment as a wife. Because of how I cope in the extremes, the thing I go to is “I just don’t want to do this anymore”. Not that I feel that way really, but I know it will hurt him and it’s the one thing I can say that will get a reaction. And John, because of his past just suppresses everything. And he doesn’t react. (Like my mom … are you seeing a broken triangle here?) But if I go there…. To his worst fears, I get a reaction.

But back to me… we did over the next day or two process everything. I won’t list John’s issues here (even though he said I could), but he recognizes his issues and I recognize (most of) mine.

One thing I realize is that I am continuing to live in the all or nothing area when it comes to emotions. I am not being balanced. By damming up everything and not letting it out as it happens, it becomes something that overwhelms me eventually. Repressing emotions isn’t going to serve me anymore. And I thought I had made so much progress. I thought I was feeling emotions because I wasn’t using food to stuff them anymore. Which isn’t true. I’m just not using that coping skill. Food isn’t the problem Kym… food is the symptom. Turns out… I’m still damning them up and just using different coping skills to deal with them. And my coping skills do not work with a tsunami of emotions. Or rather they are much more effective when used in concert together repairing “breaks” instead of having to build the whole wall.

It is obvious to me too that I am transferring pain and taking it out on my husband. I just group everything under the “pain” heading and can’t pull it apart. I just repress it all and then it doesn’t get processed… just like I did when I was a kid. I don’t know how to process discomfort. I have trouble putting words to my feelings.

Awareness is the first step. First I have to be aware of the pain. Then I have to be able to feel it and describe. I have no idea yet what I will “do” with it. I’m not that far yet. First I just want to recognize it and be able to articulate it.

Hmmm.. probably not even just awareness of pain… probably awareness of all emotion. Including joy. I wonder if joy can tip me over too? I’m going to focus on pain for now….

I am now aware that when I have discomfort, I have trouble articulating it. That includes physical discomfort, that includes frustration, anger… all of it. When I was in life threatening pain from my plastics surgery… I couldn’t explain it to the doctors. My tooth pain I have had for the last month? Couldn’t describe it really. Knew it was there, but couldn’t articulate it. I’m thinking it might be because I just “stuff it”.

This evolution in me is even evidenced in my running. I’ve noticed with my running that I have been complaining about every ache and pain to my best friend. Why? Because it’s safe telling her about the pain. But I’ve even had trouble describing the different pains to her. And I’ve become hyper aware that I have been complaining to her A LOT and I need to cut it out. It’s uncomfortable for me to have no “plan for the pain”. (I can’t take Nsaids which is really throwing a wrench in things). So I am “avoiding” my harder runs. And Im starting to get to the point where I just want to avoid anything that causes me any discomfort. Because I’m feeling overloaded… the damn is filling up and my capacity to keep everything under control is becoming stressed.

And because I don’t know what a healthy processed pain feels like… I’m going to use my ability to articulate it as a key to determine if I have processed it. I’m not sure if I am going to be able to blog about it to be honest. Being vulnerable isn’t a strong suit either…. And I crave anonymity for this process. But we’ll see.

I’ve been dealing with some personal discomfort the past couple weeks that I know I need to have medical intervention. This physical discomfort brought me to my knees with regards to dealing with pain. I realized (after the fact) that I fell right back into using food to soothe me.

As I “piece apart” what happened and how I lost control of my eating yet again, I realize that all my coping skills are not good when used in the extreme. Coping skills really are best used like a narcotic. Used to “dull the pain” but not applied so liberally that they mask everything and risk brining on future problems. The coping skills in and of themselves could easily become a compulsion if not applied in a thoughtful, balanced way. Also, it is better to layer multiple coping skills for real effectiveness then to rely on just one. Using a couple brings better results that tend to last a bit longer. Sort of like layering Motrin and Tylenol when your kid has a fever.

Here are the ways I tend to cope with extreme stress:

1. I detach from whomever or whatever is bothering me. Actually since I have been focusing more on “feeling things” versus just “thinking things” this has been a bit more difficult. Hard to detach when your focus is on feelings.

2. I self medicate with food. Now I find the only time that is really difficult for me to control my eating disorder is when I am physically uncomfortable. Like recently my tooth bothered me and I found myself practicing mindless eating. I didn’t realize it till later but I was trying to self medicate my pain with the glorious carbo rush.

3. I self medicate with sex. Unfortunately for my husband, I don’t practice this one much anymore.

4. I distract myself with drama. I will hyper focus on one part of the problem, or one person and use that as something to distract myself from feeling. Anger is easier for me then emotional pain. I used to be pretty confrontational and create a personal drama. Now I like to think of myself more evolved. I am much more likely to use a “situational drama” versus a personal drama as a distraction. For example, instead of being angry at my friend, I will hyper focus on how my mom isn’t taking care of herself and try to focus on fixes for that ‘problem’ instead of the person.

5. I self mediate with purchasing. Ahhh the wonder of retail therapy. I still do this. I love the rush of buying things. I got this one under control after the birth of our daughter and I climbed out of debt. But I find myself even

6. I will clear my head with exercise. I tend now to like running best. I can think about a problem and search out metaphors for solving things during my runs. I also love doing mindless cardio too to lessen anxiety.

7. I will resort to an OCD type project. Like cleaning out the closet or junk drawer. Or cleaning my house. This is something that I will do when I am especially upset about something that is completely outside my control: like death or someone in the hospital.

8. Escapism. I will withdraw from everyone and simply escape. I will cocoon myself in my sanctuary, or I will practice a more literal escape mechanism like reading or going to the movies. When I am in pain I do not usually have the emotional fortitude to explain it to someone or reach out.

9. I will meditate and pray. I don’t practice this one as much as I should. In a throw back to my Christian upbringing, I can hear echoes of my pastor telling me how God is actually more impressed when we pray when it’s not so easy… ie. When we don’t need something. So since I’m not praying enough simply for his glory… I feel a bit guilty praying when I want something. And my daily meditation practice hasn’t been happening as of late.

10. Talking to friends. Actually this one is a bit hard for me too. When I am needy, I am just not good asking for help. I am much more likely to simply detach and deal with it myself. However when this does happen, I usually do feel a bit better – especially if I can fully engage and not be worried about how the other person is taking in the info.

Anyone else have any good coping skills for dealing with stress?

Ok… so the overall theme of the next year for me is “find more fun”. 2007 is going to be about fun. I think I tend to really love the rush of accomplishing something. This year, I’d like to do things to do them simply to enjoy them. Not just accomplish something. So like… I think I’m going to join Massage Envy for example. Because I’ve always loved massages… but would deny myself that because…well…why?

Anyway…here are some of my intentions for 2007

Health:
Take my supplements more religiously.
Lose another 10 lbs.
Run over 10 miles a week regularly

Spiritually
I know this is the place I need to focus on …but I don’t have measurable goals here yet. I think I want to find a more spiritual community. Hard to do because I don’t see a “church” as the right fit.

Financially
Make the time each day to better maintain the house in Florida job.
Do a rebalance of our portfolios.
Don’t just focus on saving but also on savoring.
Focus on just a few charities versus spreading it out. Have priorities when it comes to giving.

Relationships
Seek out new meaningful friendships that are not depleting or one sided
Focus on quality relationships not quantity.
More regular date nights with hubby.
Continue the commitment to making our marriage stronger

Passions
Focus on fun and have more of it.
Maybe do a mini-triathlon
Do more “girl-night outs”

Physical Environment
Pick out the one thing that will give me the most joy to make my home more of a sanctuary and do it.

When I feel out of balance in my life, I used to resort to food to soothe me. The indicators now that flash warning when my life is out of balance is that I feel either “deprived or indulged”. And if I am stressed, I will often put myself into one of these states as not to feel whatever anxiety I might be feeling. So I might shop till I drop and buy things. Or I might stuff myself. Or I might deprive myself of anything just so I can feel “in control” of something.

Not sure what I am supposed to do with that Ah-ha information… but I count it as growth that I am both more aware of my feelings and more mindful then I was in the past.

When I was struggling with infertility, one of the things I dreamed about most was a family Christmas with children running around, my mom’s good cooking, lots of music, cold weather, and just lots of together happiness. I had idllyic visions in my head about what it would be like. A warm comfortable home, my parents there, a beautiful tree, lots of tidings of love, comfort and joy.

It’s never happened. Well.. not around Christmas time anyway. We have gone to Florida at Thanksgiving and celebrated early, but I have always missed having my parents here. I wanted to do it right. Show them the joy. Nurture them in my home.

Now my father has Alzheimer’s and there just aren’t going to be many “dream Christmas” opportunities left.

But it’s finally happening….

My mom and dad are coming today for Christmas. I can not wait. I pick them up in an hour.

I know, I know, I probably have it too romanticized in my brain. I’m setting myself up for disappointment. But I can’t help but be excited. This is it. The first time in a decade that my parents will be in my home, with my kids and all of us together on my favorite holiday of the year.

We have wonderful things planned…. Crafts, plays, Christmas outings to the city….

The only thing that mars it — is knowing neighbors close by are suffering in the dark and cold facing days without power. We have several friends who we have given care package too – including loaning our supplies but you feel helpless really. Because. I. Know. How. It. Feels. To. Be. Without. Power. With. Kids!!! And I just so feel for their suffering during this holiday season.

Anyway… not sure how much I will be blogging over the next ten days. So I want to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

Ok. I’m back. Feeling better. Have some new things I am going to focus on in my life. Hopefully, it will give me something to blog about. Perhaps my blog will help me process the changes I hope to undertake over the coming months.

The first thing I am focusing on is trying to be more positive. I am not really a person who sees the glass half empty - and I’m surely not someone who see’s it half full. I am more likely the person to tell you that it’s the wrong damn glass. I always see that there is a problem to fix – which makes me negative. I want to be more positive. And let me just say this is going to be extremely hard for me to change.

For what it’s worth, I think one of the things that made me a successful Program Manager was the fact that I simply have a knack for anticipating problems and how they are going to have impact. Because I can see them, sometimes before they happen, I am usually pretty good at having a bunch of “downhill solutions” in my back pocket to apply to the situation.

The negative side of this is that - well… I just naturally tend to look at what is wrong with a situation instead of what is good. In a way, this is sort of a judgment – or can feel like a judgment. I don’t perceive it that way… but in fact it is. And I don’t just do it to everyone else either. I am my own best critic. I do this in all areas of my life and I am realizing that this type of self talk isn’t always healthy. I think the problem is not that I do this — but how much I do it. So I am going to try to fix it. I am going to work on reprogramming my brain and attitude.

How am I going to do that? I’m not completely sure yet but I have several ideas:

1. Keeping a gratitude journal.
2. First thing I say to folks must be positive and make them feel good.
3. When I am doing something “outside my comfort zone” focus on what I am doing right instead of what isn’t going right.
4. Recognize/praise the good in things that aren’t perfect. Recognize that joy doesn’t only come if something is perfect.
5. Smile even when I don’t feel like it.
6. Do random acts of kindness
7. Get back to daily meditation besides what I do with running.
8. Seek balance in everything – being happy with the middle not at the extremes. This will require me to schedule it at first…. Till I learn it.
9. Be physical with my kids everyday.
10. Tell people I care about not just how I think, but how I feel.

So. Yeah. That should keep me busy for awhile.

When I was in Florida, my cousin begged me to take workout classes with her. Being in a room with some perky instructor watching me struggle with lunges and squats is about as far removed from joy as I can get. What makes it worse? My cousin is fit. Very fit. She works out 5 times a week about two hours a day. Working out next to her sorta feels like Beauty and the Beast. She’s definitely in the teacher role and I am the grasshopper. And I’m sure you find this hard to believe…but I much prefer to be in the expert role versus the trainee role. Ha!

Anyway my cousin is beyond thrilled that I am exercising. She knows how far I have come and is very proud of me. She loved that there was someone else who shared her commitment to good health on this trip. But I could tell she was hurt that I didn’t want to do the same things she did or take classes with her. To her, exercising is joyful and thus she wants to share the joy. She see I feel joy…and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to share that with her at the same time doing the same thing. I didn’t want to be in the “grasshopper role”. I wanted to continue to live in the illusion that I am more fit then 75% of the people at the gym. Being next to her is a constant reminder of everything I am not. I wanted to exercise next to the fat people — where I felt comfortable and where I was the over achiever. . I did not want to exercise next to someone whose abs could be plastered on the front of SHAPE.

But of course, there is no easy way to explain how I feel in a casual conversation. It requires me to go deep and really expose the vulnerabilities I feel about exercising and my emotional shortcomings. It requires me to admit how much pain came with being 360 pounds and how much I denial I used to get through it. I didn’t exercise because to do so was not only physically difficult (in ways you can’t even imagine!), but I, in fact was worried what everyone else thought of me. Oh sure, I told everyone I didn’t care what people thought…but I went out of my way to minimize the opportunities for those judgements. I minimized and denied. And as hard as it is to admit, I recognize that I still have some big emotional mountains to climb. I recognize that I am still using denial as a coping skill when it comes to exercising with others or in front of others. I still feel fat. I still feel judged. And I still feel inadequate. Easier to just not take myself there.

I wish I could explain to folks the mental aerobics I still struggle with when it comes to exercising. I am still learning that there is joy that comes from exercising. I am having to reroute years and years of denial and listening to my body. I have to use every ounce of brainpower to focus on the task at hand and get through it. So I don’t look at this as me outright denying that I will ever exercise with others…but rather that it’s just not “right now.” I’m working on the other stuff first.

Yeah…that sounds good. Let’s go with that.

When I exercise with others, it then becomes about them and competitive. It becomes about what they are thinking about me instead of what I am thinking about me. It detracts from my joy and my focus on the joy — because I am too worried about how I am being judged. Not because they are judging me, but because I can’t find the mental freedom to not to compare myself to them. I am no longer proud of my 14 minute mile…I am sad because I couldn’t match their 13 minute mile. I’m not celebrating my 3 sets of 12 lunges, but feeling bad I couldn’t do the fourth set - just like them. I lose the joy in the process and instead seek joy in being better then someone else. And because I am not as fit…there is no way for me to be the winner. So I am left with this disappointment… instead of joy…and that doesn’t help me reroute my brain.

I am trying really hard to stay focused on myself in group settings. I know it’s silly… but it’s like it takes so much energy for me to just exercise…adding having to exercise with someone else just adds additional obstacles.

And yet, it keeps happening. Over and over. And I know the universe is pushing me here because the time is here. I need to work on this. I need to feel comfortable with my body. I need to stretch myself and find that sharing the joy of working out DURING the process of exercising is more rich then sharing some arbitrary achievement in the safety conversation afterwards.

I’m missing out on bigger joy by denying that by exercising with others – there is greater joy to be found.

Do I believe that? Not yet.

Anyway….

It’s going to be harder as I want to compete. There is a group of women who are competing in the mini-triathalon in a couple days. I long to join them next year and compete with them – with no worries about how good they are versus how good I am. And yet… I can’t there. My best friend wants me to run with her. She’s uberfit and very supportive of me…. But I have huge mental hurdles to overcome there. I want to sign up for a 5K like Ben (he’s running his first 5K this weekend so go tell him good luck!), but my fear of coming in the bottom 50% are keeping me from signing up now. So I am living in the future…. When I will be fast enough, fit enough, lean enough and good enough to compete.

I have found that as I add more mileage… my running is changing. I am stronger, leaner, faster, and have more endurance. One can only hope that as I add working out with friends and in front of others to my training plan, that I will gain endurance in that mental arena too.

I am thinking about how I want to design my life going forward. When the kids are in school next year…what exactly do I want to be doing? What brings me joy? So I’m starting a list.

What brings me joy:

Spending time with my family
Deep conversations
Scrapbooking
Novelty - trying new things.
Having a balanced schedule.
Reading
Traveling
Freetime
Being stress free
Growing friendships
Sleeping in.
Music
High thread count sheets
Living a balanced life.
Spending time in my home
Home improvements
Cardio Exercise Highs
Being in the sunshine
Eating a well prepared and healthful meal
Having goals and a plan.
Organization
Clean and well organized home.
Eating out
Listening to the sound of a storm
Massages
Going to the spa and being pampered
The smell of lavender before I fall asleep
Playing with puppies

Here is a list of some of the defining moments, events or circumstances in my life that have really played into the person I am today.

Although I tend to not see myself as an optimist by nature, it was interesting to me that as I built this list I was completely focused on how these things made me a better person. Even if they were bad things, I was aware they brought out good qualities and help establish a strong foundation for the person I am today.

1. Being a preacher’s kid and growing up in the church.
2. Being sexually assaulted twice as a child.
3. Starting college in high school.
4. Going to an all women’s college.
5. Starting several of my own businesses.
6. Working at Microsoft.
7. Retiring at age 34
8. Being super over weight.
9. Coping with Infertility.
10. Birth of my daughter.
11. Diabetes - both my own diagnosis and then the horrid way it’s effected my parents - my father’s Alzheimer’s and my mother’s amputations.
12. Adopting two children at the same time internationally.
13. Motherhood
14. Choosing weight loss surgery.
15. Building a house as an investment in Florida and using it as a part-time job.
16. Experiencing the life changes that come with dropping 160 lbs.
17. Dealing with my mortality when they found the huge tumor on my ovary.
18. Realizing that I do in fact have an eating disorder/addiction and dealing with the accountability of that realization.
19. Dealing with uncontrollable pain (and being dependent and vulnerable) after my reconstructive surgery.
20. Becoming fit – both mentally and physically.

Over the last six days, I’ve done five days of at least an hour of cardio each day. I’ve been taking the time to do some big time reflecting. I thought I’d share what was going through my mind yesterday.

I was thinking about that movie I saw “Friends with Money”. And there was this line in there about how the woman felt she had already accomplished everything and that there was this “midlife moment” that this was life. That really, it wasn’t going to get much better then this. I could really relate to that. I have a most excellent life… but I do recognize that I have achieved most of my goals and have wondered how much is really left? I’m not even to the halfway point of my life…and what goals do I have for the second half?

About this time, I realized my knee was bothering me. I had just ran and I switched to the elliptical. It was STILL hurting so I shifted my weight some more. I altered my posture, and put more weight on the back of my heel. It made all the difference and I was able to keep going. I actually felt really good.

And the metaphor didn’t escape me that perhaps this is how I should be looking at my life right now. That yeah, maybe there aren’t any huge big looming goals. But maybe what I should be focusing on is the “form” of my life. Refinement. What little adjustments can I make that will give me the most bang for my buck? Sort of like what I do to our investment portfolio… stop. Take inventory. And then figure out where I can tweak things to maximize return.

o How can I make my home more of a sanctuary?
o What can I do to maximize my children’s joy in life?
o What little things can I do to take my spirituality to the next level?
o What are the top 5 things I can do this month that will have the greatest impact on the amount of joy I can bring into my life?
o What relationships in my life need some nurturing?

I’m such an extremist so this way of thinking is a stretch for me. It’s hard for me to think in terms on small adjustments. I like to do everything on some grand scale and play at the extremes. But honestly yesterday, I felt like the universe was telling me something. It’s time to concentrate on “form” and “refinement” in my life.

With all this introspection I’ve done over the last couple years, one thing has become painfully obvious to me. I tend to want to measure success and define success in very concrete terms. How many times I’ve done x. The amount of weight I have lost. The number of projects I have completed. The number of awards I have won. But that really isn’t a good way to live your life is it?

I have now been religiously working out for more then two months. And I am depressed that I haven’t seen more results on the scale. And what is happening? I’m getting discouraged. I want to see results on the scale because in my mind all goodness in my life is and always has been determined by a number on a damn scale. No matter how I try to rationalize it in my head, I completely dismiss that I actually feel better emotionally. That my body feels stronger. That I am modeling excellent behavior for my children. That I have done wonderful things like reduced my resting heart rate by 10%, increased my cardiovascular health and endurance and improved my muscle tone. All those things fall by the way (weigh! Ha!) side because I am tunnel focused on some metric that has nothing to do with how it FEELS but rather with something I can analyze and quantify.

My husband I have been going round and round lately about his job. There are lots of opportunities that he is qualified for at a big employer here locally. It would be nice to have the benefits, not to mention he probably make more money. I’ve been very frustrated because he can’t seem to focus on actually going after a job there. We’ve had several emotional arguments about it… and I have been left feeling frustrated and truthfully somewhat betrayed by his lack of ambition.

Today when I was driving home in the car from the gym it really hit me though that again, I am probably focusing on the wrong thing. I mean… my husband drives a 96 Neon. That alone has saved us more then 5K a year in car payments. He’s home everyday by 5pm. He doesn’t have to work weekends. Ever. His work has flextime. It’s not stressful. He likes the people he works with. It ‘feels’ good to him, even though it not exactly upwardly mobile. He’s active in our children’s lives because of all of this freedom. Again… perhaps I am trying to measure success with the wrong quantifier?

Now I can rationalize that accomplishing things makes me feel good. But in truth, I am focusing on the achievement not the process. I have to find joy in the processes. I have to be more present and not mindless go into overdrive and simply accomplish for accomplishment sake. I need to make sure I feel the happiness that just doing can bring… not accomplishing. Like my scrapbooking. I swear I wax and wane on the scrapbooks because there never seems to be an end… there is no moment when I can point and say “oohhhh… I did that” because there is always more to do.

Ok… time to go do something. And try to feel joy while doing it instead of letting my mind soak up and bask in the glory of the accomplishment.

This is an exploring historical feelings post. I’m writing it out for my own growth. I recognize that I don’t do a lot this normally on this blog… so I think it will put off some of my readers. Feel free to skip this post if you would prefer to skip the self-therapy session.

Yesterday my friend wrote me and asked me how I pulled myself out of my slump. That made me stop and think for a moment, because I really do not feel out of my slump. I am now just back to my regular level of functioning…. Just with more awareness. I feel a bit better - but not healed at all. And I really started to explore that (shudder) feeling – why I felt better when I was not. And it hit me… it’s not really that I feel better it’s that this all feels so …. Familiar. I am comfortable with suffering. I accept it readily. It’s known. It’s predictable. I know how to wrap it up in my head and let the constant strumming soothe me. I focus on it. Perhaps, I wouldn’t know what to do without it.

(more…)

I should be writing about how I feel instead of what I am thinking. At least I recognize that. Maybe in another post. Here’s a list of stuff that is going on my head.

1. Why do I focus on the negative instead of the positive in my life? I mean, my life is really 90% great. Not just good… but great. But I tend to wallow in the bad things… getting all wound up in the chaos. Especially when people I love are in pain. Why do I do this? I need to be more present and make different choices about how I think.

2. I am trying really hard to focus on how I feel. This is incredibly uncomfortable for me. I am trying to recognize when I am focusing on achievement oriented things instead of just allowing myself to feel discomfort. There’s a big laundry list of things going on my life that are making me feel uncomfy, but I’ll save that for another post.

3. What is a healthy way to cope when your previous coping skills no longer are serving you? I don’t want to emotionally eat, I don’t want to be an OCD overachiever, I don’t want to detach – but I don’t want to focus on negative. When you have a general level of worry and anxiety… how do normal people process it and deal with it? Where is the right balance?

4. What is next in my life? Can I really be happy with a period of time where there is no achievement to focus on? Is the reason that is so uncomfortable because it would actually require me to be alone with my thoughts? For the first time I’d have to be happy with me and who I am… not just me and what I have accomplished.

5. Why do I have so much trouble with balance? I am either black or white. I am either hot or cold. I am either happy or sad. There just isn’t too much in between. I have been wondering lately if this general level of anxiety I have felt is something I should medicate for… to bring myself back to the middle. But honestly with a bit of reflection over the past few weeks, I’m not convinced that the anxiety is simply not brought on by the fact that I am here in the middle and there is nothing else. This is it. And my type A mind and need to achieve something can’t get her mind around that.

We had a really great Christmas. Peaceful. The kids have been really pleasant this vacation. And I have been really introspective the past few days about what I want to do with my time next year.

For the last three years, my life has been a series of me focusing on things that would help me to grow. My life is very achievement focused. Infertility plagued me, so I pursued international adoption. Decided that I needed to prioritize my life and focus on being a mom… so I retired. Still felt I needed to do “some work” so I built a house in Florida and marketed it as a vacation rental. My weight was something I couldn’t conquer, and so I focused on that and had the Duodenal Switch and lost 160 lbs. Had hanging skin after that and decided my body looked deformed, so I went and had plastic surgery. Wanted to find a deep and fulfilling friendship like I had when I was in college and was blessed to find a new best friend… a completely authentic relationship that nourishes me.

So now, as I am facing down 2006, I am leaning towards trying to find the next big thing. I’m actually even “clearing away” parts of my life to make room for this next big thing. I can feel it coming. It’s like a tsunami really. All the water is pulling back. I’m aware that something is happening, but I’m unsure of the outcome. The PTSA is becoming a test of endurance versus somthing that is nourishing, I’m selling the house, I have more free time…

The other day when I exchanging gifts with my neighbor she was talking about a seminar she did at her church that focused on defining her spiritual gifts. What they did was spend some time determining your spiritual gifts and then you used these gifts as a guide. They become your compass and help you prioritize your time for God, yourself, and working on things that nourish you.

This philosophy really speaks to me. I think I have spent much of my time focusing on things I need to improve then simply enjoying what I am good at. I am wondering if I can be happy without having any huge achievements. Perhaps the achievement is simply being present enough to savor the experience of using my gifts in a meaningful and balanced way?

I think my intentions for this year is to live a more balanced life. I honestly think I am pretty balanced but the method by which I do it is not as healthy as it could be. I tend to take a very macro view. Meaning I ‘ll hyper focus on something (to achieve the desired result) and then totally retreat and regroup after I finish it. I’d like to get to a place where I don’t put myself in the emotional churn of playing at the extremes. Playing in the chaos. I let the chaos motivate me instead of having a balanced measured plan. I’m going to try to work on that…although honestly I am not sure I can be successful because I am afraid this is all hard wired in.

So… now I must think about my spiritual gifts. What am I good at? What makes me feel good? I think so far the gifts I have come up with are:

Leadership: I am a good leader. I am decisive, a good planner and a good manager.

Creator: I am excellent at starting things, creating things and taking measured steps to get something off the ground. I do not like the mundaneness of maintaining something once it’s created.

Perceptive: I am pretty intuitive. I am good at reading the verbal and nonverbal cues of those around me and making inferences into how people are feeling and predicting how they would act.

I’m still thinking about what other gifts I have… I’ll let you know how it goes.

Love Has Come - (holiday) - Amy Grant (I own this CD but can’t find it)
Baby It’s Cold Outside - Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan (I like the Elf version better but didn’t want to pay for the album)
Under Pressure - David Bowie and Queen (I love this song!)
Unplayed Piano - Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan (yeah it’s depressing… but I can’t help loving Damien’s music even if it is dark)
Celebrate Me Home - Kenny Loggins
Carol of the Bells - (holiday) - Mannheim Steamroller
Seasons of Love - from the Musical RENT
We Gather Together - (Thanksgiving Holiday) - Philip Aaberg (this is instrumental and is beautiful- reminds me of when we sang this hymn in church when I was little)

(this is from a post on another forum… and Im cutting and pasting it here)

Ooooh what a good question Chewie! What is my greatest test and lesson learned? Oh my! I have lots! How to prioritize them? Where do I start? Amazingly, I think many of them are trying to teach me the same lesson…. I sadly haven’t learned it yet I guess.

Easy for me to point to 9/11 and my weight loss surgery and the lesson of how sometimes courage and persistence is needed to fight through the biggest obstacles. I felt I could accomplish anything after I lost all the weight. It was my life’s biggest failure and I conquered it.

Easy for me to point to the childhood rape and subsequent torture afterwards and how I learned to be self sufficient. Not expecting anyone to save me and learning coping skills that probably no 9 year old should ever have to learn. I learned great inner strength and to trust that I could get myself through anything. I can survive anything if I can survive that.

Easy for me to point to infertility and the separation from my husband and the almost divorce. It showed me how chronic pain (emotional) can break apart a marriage and that sometimes time and space can heal it. Reminded me how pain can be so cruel. Must not ever be vulnerable to pain. Must be prepared and damn up all the places where pain can seep in and cause damage. Detachment and denial became my coping skills of choice.

Easy for me to point to the miracle of Emma’s conception after 7 years of IF. It showed me grace and forced me to humbly accept my lack of control sometimes brings about good. Miracles happen. Grace is amazing. There is something bigger then just me here and it is a miraculous.

Easy for me to talk about finding out about I believe love’s bond deepens in challenging times like toddler adoption. Like how hard Dinara was to love at first. How sick I got. And just how plain hard our whole trip to Kaz was. Or how my love and dependence on my mate grew 10 fold when I realized he could be there for emotionally. For the first time I actually had to trust someone emotionally.

I guess I learned more about being dependent with my plastic surgery. I was physically dependent on others and it was very uncomfortable. Or perhaps I could talk about my near death experience after Brazil… the emotional pain of our dog dying, my uncontrollable pain, the inability to “achieve at anything” when I was lying flat on my back unable to move. Grief overwhelmed me and again my husband was there for me in a way I never expected. And yet again my mom let me down. That’s a long story… but it bears mentioning here.

So when I add up all the big lessons, they seem to all point to my inability to trust people to be there for me. There is struggle I face … the reason I am the way I am. Always looking for the “holes” in life where I can slip through and drown in the emotional pain of trusting someone else and them letting me down. To not prepare, to not be prepared, means that I am like my mom… I’d be abandoning my children like she did me and that is unacceptable.

Motherhood is what I think is most changing me. It’s the mirror that causes me great reflection and growth. It’s in the simple beauty of those relationships where people are dependent on ME… that I realize what joy really is. Joy without boundaries.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about the lessons I want to teach my children. I figure, my job as a parent is to help guide the ship, to foster independence and give my children the appropriate skills (at the appropriate time) to navigate their life.

I let my management experience guide me. You can’t use one management style for everyone. The best managers spend time figuring out what people are good at and then exploiting that, versus constantly trying to jam a round peg into a square hole. This was a nice positive place to start. But it became obvious that really, I needed to focus on the things that didn’t come naturally to each child. I couldn’t just bury my head because I didn’t want to deal with it. I am a parent, not a manager and there is a difference. I have a responsibility for helping them to develop coping skills. Each child has very different personalities, skills and attributes. I should focus on what skill each of them need most help with and figure out ways to deal with it while creating a nurturing environment for their natural talents and abilities. Also as time progresses, I that my role is to be the motivation in the areas where they lack motivation. Don’t you wish you had someone around to motivate you?

Then I thought that perhaps I needed to really boil everything down to a few concepts to keep it simple. It’s like in our home, we have several rules that must be followed or there are consequences. These are sort of like my parenting mantra. Things like:

Treat others like you would like to be treated.
Controlling your emotions.
Accepting the answer no.
Following instructions
Using your words

(more…)

Created a document that tells your survivors where all your important documents are in the event of your death?

Created something for each one of your kids in case you die? Like a letter or a box of stuff to remember you by?

Have you ever thought about this stuff? I mean really, it’s important right? Trying to make life easier for those you love in their darkest hour. Am I morbid that I think of crap like this?

What is the balance between wishing your life away thinking about how things are going to be better versus being present in the moment. If I am too present in the moment, savoring everything there is to savor then I am not improving my life. But if I am focusing on improving my life then I am not being present… I’m simply trying to change circumstances.

Currently, I am thinking about how my future could be better in a number of ways.

I am REALLY looking forward to school starting. You see my son will be going to all day Kindergarten. Yes, my youngest child will head off into the realm of public school stepping up to the third rung, after babyhood and toddler hood, on the ladder of life. And I will be sad because he’s my last baby and he’s going to school.

I might get weepy and yes there could even be a few tears. For about 2 minutes.

Then I will be joyful. Because for the first time in I don’t know how long (Ok… I do.. four years!) I will have 7 hours to myself each day. All three kids will be in school! Yipeeeeee! And I want to do me things during that time. I want to exercise. I want to do creative things. I want to surf the internet without being interrupted by children screaming “Noah took my ______”

My kids are seriously driving me crazy. Happens every summer. We all went to Target yesterday and I swear they acted like animals. You’d think I have souped them up on maple syrup or something. And by 4pm… I’m just plum worn out. From the constant questions. The talking. The having to be interactive. I finally had to tell them… “mommy just needs everyone to go away for awhile so she can think”. Ok… really it was more like me screaming at them to shuddup and leave me the hell alone. There… don’t I sound like the perfect mom?

I am also thinking about how much better my life would be if I let some things that fill it up go. One of those things is the PTA. I’ve been pretty passionate about the PTA and giving back to my community, but I think I am burnt out. I’m just not getting from it what I expected to I guess. I resent the time it’s taking up. It’s no longer nourishing me… in fact, I’m feeling depleted from it. Doesn’t mean I will quit, but I am thinking about it. I can be active without being on the Executive Board. So I am strongly considering resigning. I just don’t want to have it hanging over my head anymore.

And of course this makes me think about how I don’t like to have ANYTHING hanging over my head. So I think part of what I have to do to “grow” is simply sit with the discomfort. It’s growth. It’s opportunity. It sucks.

I’m also thinking about all the crap I have in my garage that needs to be donated. It seriously is sucking the lifeblood from me. Every time I see it, it’s a big constant reminder that I need to either put it up for sale or give it away. We have furniture, baby stuff, a bouncy horse, several cribs, several crib mattresses, a bassinette, a high chair, an exesaucer… you know.. just tons of stuff. Stuff I think I should try to sell in a garage sale or something. but in truth, I just need to donate it so it’s not glaring at me every time I pull my car in. Why does this clutter bother me so much? I mean… who cares really?

I measure everything by the value of time. I think this is part of what keeps me so focused, but it’s a curse really. Hard to just “be” when you think of time as something to value and is a resource that can be depleted.

And don’t think it’s not lost on me that my garage is simply a metaphor for the snapshot of my life right now. A whole bunch of crap I see everyday and I know it needs my attention. But instead I just keep walking by it saying I don’t have the energy or time in which to deal with it.

That’s going to change.

Let me tell you about one of my neurosis. I do not manage having stuff hanging over my head. My life is organized; I run a fairly tight ship. I like order, I like planning, and I like security. All these things give me energy.

There was a time in my life when things weren’t this way. When I didn’t value the serenity that planning and flawless execution can bring. I wasn’t bothered by things hanging over my head. I was always confident that I can and could do anything. And I still believe it. But now I recognize that everything has a price and I have figured out for me, lowering the price means being efficient.

I think I realized the tide was changing when I read Cheryl Richardson’s first book titled “Take Charge of Your Life”. In the book she really clearly articulated that there is a “cost” to having everything disorganized or having things hanging over your head. She talked about that cost in terms of emotional energy… and the things you have hanging over your head are just depleting your account. It really was inspiring to “get things done”.

For example, if you have a dentist appointment you haven’t made… but you know you should – that depletes you. Longer you don’t do it, the more it depletes. When you have a room that is a mess, every time you walk into it – that depletes you. You have a relationship that needs some work that you have “back burnerred” that depletes you. So in your head, you should have this prioritized list of things that are depleting you… and you should get them done. And…the cool thing is that when you deal with these things, they fill your tank back up. Not only does the depletion go away, but you also get more energy.

The good thing is now I really do stay on top of most of my life. The bad thing is now that I am aware of this phenomena, I feel bad when my to-do list gets to long. Feels overwhelming because I know the longer that stuff is on my list the more energy is depleted. Ignorance was bliss when I couldn’t really explain what was happening ya know?

Emotional growth sucks. The process of it. The slow agony of it. The way you must examine each clue, each action and reaction, looking into the nooks and crannies to make sense of the great puzzle. Don’t like it. I’m more a big picture person. The energy required to focus on details makes me uncomfortable.

Yesterday my best friend came over to do some Kym therapy. I’m lucky to have someone so wise and perceptive in my life. She pointed out several observations that have started me down this slippery slope of self awareness and growth. I feel like one of those cartoons where you see the person slipping and sliding, unable to get their footing. You know that at the end of all that teetering is a painful fall on their arse, but you are helpless to do anything to stop it. I don’t like knowing what is coming and feeling like I’m an actor in some great big cosmic comedy.

My friend tells me that at the end of all this is a great emotional payoff. That life will have more texture. That I will benefit. She is a wise woman but honestly, I’m wondering if I have it in me to do the work it’s going to take.

Ok.. so you know how I have been feeling so overwhelmed? I have felt like each little connection is sapping me. People want to have a playdate? Uh no. People want to talk on the phone? Uh no. People want to have us over for dinner? Uh no. Why? Because I am actually being sapped dry. It’s not in my imagination. I’m just failing to prioritize. It sounds simple, but it’s not really. It’s not about how much I am GIVING to people I care about; it’s that I am not TAKING back and I am giving an equal amount to EVERYONE.

1. When I get into friendships, I don’t prioritize them. I prioritize what they give to ME, but I don’t prioritize what I give to them. This goes back to family dysfunction issues of course. And I realize now that still, my family is ONLY taking from me. I am still the nurturer and problem solver. And I let them do all this taking because they have disappointed me in the past, I never ever ever think about taking from them. Because it’s easier to just expect nothing and not be hurt again.
2. Because I don’t let people in and tell them about my life, they have no idea about the internal hits I am taking from all these people who each individually feels like they are a really good friend of mine. If I told people about just how much I am drowning with regards to my family obligations, they would get it. They wouldn’t expect so much.
3. I never want to disappoint anyone. I want to nurture people. Especially people who I see “need me” for whatever reason.
4. I’m not finding the middle with how I make people FEEL. I make them either love me or hate me. There is no middle ground for me when it comes to relationships. I tend to make it an all or nothing proposition.
5. When people cause me any pain whatsoever, I tend to go to my usual ways of coping which are to either draw them in or nurture it better or if they take too much work, I just slice them out of my life. I find the whole setting boundaries for the middle ground too hard.
6. The reason I feel sapped by all the “connections” in my life is because I’m giving to them all equally in an emotional sense. And yet, I don’t take from them all emotionally at all.

Now I have to decide what to do with all this. It’s hard to own it. Now that there is a light shining on it, I can’t just turn away from it. I have to process it. And I don’t really want to process it.

On my parenting group they are talking about trips. Where do you want to go? Here’s my list. Please tell me…where do you want to go?

Africa. Need to go there. My draw to Africa is very hard to articulate but the desire is profound. I will get there. Want to explore the jungle, the plains and the coast. I have multiple desires for seeing Africa… both easily defined by poverty and service (mission work) versus luxury and enjoying the beauty without the magifying glass of poverty. My husband tells me I need to get a handle on which of these is my priority before we go!

Cruise the Mediterranean for a couple weeks and then rent a villa in Italy for a few more weeks. We are actually considering this trip for two years out. Keep talking about if it’s better to do other things with the kids…

John and I want to go island hopping in the Caribbean. Days are spent wearing tee shirts and bathing suits. We’d love to have our own yacht to do this… but I don’t think either of us wants to do the work it takes to maintain a boat. But we like the idea of swimming naked in our private harbor and eating lobster tails dipped in champagne butter as the sun sets. This trip we see after the kids are grown.

Fiji, Bora Bora, Tahiti, Hawaii. We are drawn to Island life. We are probably going to do Hawaii next year.

NYC. That will happen in the next five years. We have family that lives outside of NYC.

Thailand. We love the culture.

Family trip to Kazakhstan when the kids are “majority” age. Because of dual citizenship issues, I’m not sure we’ll go sooner although we’d like to. It’s something we discuss. We’d perhaps like to do a complete Silk Road tour…or maybe even stay in a yurt to experience old nomadic Kaz clan culture.

Back to Moscow. I loved Moscow. I need more time to explore it.

Tibet. I’d like to do a silence retreat with monks.

Rent a RV and tour the US for a summer. With the kids.

We want to take another trip to Alaska. Our cruise up the inside passage when Emma was 15 months old was one of our favorite trips.

Greece Want to explore the cultures there. Love the food!

Antarctica. I want to stay in an ice hotel or an igloo or something. Want to take pictures of the wildlife. Would love to scuba there…even if for only 10 mins.

Breathe deep. Prioritize. Find a moment to savor. Call a friend. Organize something. Be present in the moment. Express gratitude. Love deeply. Plan a date. Convey compassion. Meditate.

I wonder if this might be admitting too much truth on my blog… but sometimes I am overwhelmed by the number of people in my life who need touched in some way by me. I am really trying to explore my feelings about how I feel overwhelmed by all the little touches. There is no one person who is making these demands, but it’s the cumulative effect they have on me. I think that because there are so many of them, that I realize that they impact my ability to be present 100% for the people I do care most about. I can’t give them as much because I’m too busy.

Other then my husband, kids and best friend (and their needs don’t deplete me) here’s the list of people in the last 72 hours who required at least 5 minutes of my time off the top of my head:

The cruise guy
The air conditioner guy
11 different people from the PTSA
My grandmother two times
My mother two times
My sister
My cousin
My mother in law
Two neighbors
A neighbor who had surgery
3 people from my weight loss surgery support group
A couple dozen people from my online adoption group
2 emails about adopting from Kazakhstan
1 email about adopting from Guatemala
2 emails from college friends
4 emails from people asking about my weight loss surgery
7 emails from bloggy friends (no counting comments)
46 emails about our house in Florida
1 email to our school principal
4 mother’s day cards sent
2 thank you cards sent
23 emails I should have answered in some way but I just ignored
2 conversations in front of the school with different people
4 birthday party RSVPs

And truthfully… I just typed out that list without much thought other then a quick count in my inbox to make sure the numbers were close to accurate.

Of course many of those people I don’t care about, but many I do. I feel like the sheer number of people I don’t care that much about greatly impacts the quality of care for the people I do care about.

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel “controlled” when a friend says “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile give me a call?” Because then it becomes something you have to keep in your mind and have to eventually deliver on?

I probably need therapy to sort through all this. But it seems strange to me that someone who values friendships and relationships as much as I do… feels such an overwhelming weight trying to maintain them. Managing them should bring me joy. Instead, it feels like a chore.

Anyway.. it’s just something I am thinking about. I’d love any thoughts from my readers on the matter.

I’ve been giving some thought to creating an ethical will. You of course have heard about living wills, and you should have one. And you have heard of legal wills, where you specify where you want your belongings to go when you die. But what about creating a plan for what values and lessons you want to pass on to your children. I’m going to be giving some thought to this. And I thought I’d pass on some of my brainstorms. Understand, that this list is more like the “second tier”. I am not articulating a lot of the givens like “treat others like you would like to be treated”. I’m going for more of the lessons and values that I have had to learn the hard way, and perhaps learned or recognized later in life.

What would you put in your ethical will to your kids?

1. Know yourself and don’t take what other people think about you as your truth. Define yourself. Don’t let other’s define you before you do. Words people say and their actions can only effect you if you give it the power to do so. If someone walks up to you on the street and says you have blonde hair and you have brown hair… will that hurt you? No, because you know it isn’t true. Believe in your truth before you believe in other people’s truths. Don’t make their truth your own unless you want it to be and it’s a conscious decision.

2. Discipline and perseverance will take you farther then your intelligence will. Half the battle in life is just sticking to something, through the bad and staying focused on the goal. Yes it’s important to evaluate your course, but understand that course corrections can be extremely costly when moving from point A to point B. So make a good decision to begin with and then stick with it.

3. Your political skills are what will set you apart from the rest. In the workplace, there will be a lot of people who are smarter then you. Always remember that the key to being a star in the workplace is not how great a job you do, but how great a job you do at navigating the political landscape. Be a good communicator. Be politically savvy. Political skills are the one attribute that really sets apart the “stars” from the average employee.

4. Meditate everyday. Even if it’s only five minutes. Slow yourself down. Pray. And make sure you take time to listen.

5. Be a calming force. When there is chaos, be the one people turn to in crisis. Be a calming spirit. Listen. Act reasonably. Do not excite others to anger. Excite others to gentle and giving action.

6. Always think one job ahead. Especially if you are changing jobs. Will this new job you are going to help you land or do better in your next job? Will it give you a new skill, political capital or experience that you can use to further your career? If not, then don’t take the job.

7. Give back. Just like saving, it’s important to take a part of what you make and use it for the greater good. Find something you are passionate about and use your time, passion and money to make it better. Figure out what you can do to make life better or easier for those around you.

8. Value diversity. Know that even though sometimes it’s so much harder to be around people who are different that you, that you will be a better person and life will be richer if you have people in it that are different. Being different is a gift. Trying to understand what makes people different will make you a better person.

9. Know that some things can’t be fixed. Fix what you can in life. Recycle where you can. But know that there are some things, some relationships, that can’t be fixed. And sometimes, it’s better to amputate fast then face a long slow drawn out amputation over a long period of time.

10. When you have a relationship in your life you don’t know what to do with… give it the ultimate litmus test: Does this relationship nourish me? Do I feel better or worse after being around this person? If the answer is worse, then move on.

11. Resist the urge to oversimplify life’s issues. It’s so hard in this black and white world, to not just go one direction or other. To live in the black and white. It takes effort to embrace the complexity of issues and not just see only the extremes. Most of life and it’s issues are shades of gray. Enjoy the gray. Love the gray. Try to embrace the gray.

12. Declutter your life. Live simply and always within your means. Focus on relationships and not “things”. Declutter your life and you will be surprised how much more room you will have in it for the things that really matter.

13. Identify what is taking energy away from you. Small things add up. Take time to do things that make you feel good. Don’t waste your precious energy having to keep track of things like paying that bill you haven’t paid for 3 months, cleaning out your closet that makes you feel sick every time you open it, or not doing that paper till the last minute. Don’t let small things hang over your head and deplete you.

14. Create treasures for those you love. Lasting memories. Memory books. Pictures. Written words. Journals. Blogs. Care enough about those around you to give of yourself and create specialness for those you love.

15. Measure your success. When you do something, always have a metric for how you will know if you have been successful. Determine this metric before you start.

16. Prioritize everything. Determi