Extraordinary Mundane

This post was written the other day and was private. Im making it public… I’m too lazy to go change the time references.

Processing a loss sucks. There is no way around it. No short cuts but right through the middle of it. And I do not like it.

Our neighbors — and Emma’s best friend – left for CA last night. We live in this spectacular neighborhood. Everyone knows everyone else, we socialize and it’s full of kids. These neighbors were sort of the metallic thread in the unique fabric of our neighborhood. I was good friends with the mom but truth is, I thought this leaving would be much harder on her then it was on me. But – surprise — I have been really upset today. It shocks me when I realize I care about people more then I realized.

Last night I spent the evening over there having a good bye party and helping them finish up cleaning and packing. The whole neighborhood was there. When it came time to say goodbye, it was horrible. We were all crying and it was just… hard. Emma was so overwrought, she could not catch her breath. She cried for HOURS – and we didn’t get home till 10pm. I felt so bad for her. The crying was the hard kind where you can’t catch your breath sobbing. Pain just oozing out of her in waves. I have to say… that seeing my child in that much emotional pain was about one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in a long time. I just felt so helpless. And I really made myself “be there” for her like I wish my mom was for me… Going against the whole way I deal with pain which is to just detach and withdrawl. I was aware that I wasn’t even being as vulnerable as I wanted to be… but I was at least very supportive and was a good listener. She said she appreciated it. But how do you know when you’ve done this “right?” I kept thinking – this is when people remember what kind of person you are. Can you be there for them even when it’s difficult?

The other house for sale on our street had the potential buyers come by yesterday and we got a chance to speak with them. They at least have three kids… and seem nice. They are from Canada and I hear from my friend that they are going to present an offer this afternoon. More loss. But at least they aren’t moving far away.

School is done! Yesterday was the last day. Im so freaking tired. I can’t even put into words how happy I am to be facing a long “easy” summer. I am so “amped up” still — I am not sleeping well. I figure by tomorrow I should feel a little more “decompressed”. I guess I need to allow myself to feel sadness — that’s what is amping me.

My friend came over this morning and we taked. She asked me to go for a run with her this afternoon. I was planning on it, but truth is — I simply don’t feel up to it. I think Im going to bag out.

I had my doctor appointment yesterday. She agrees the flank pain was a kidney stone. Especially after I explained how it felt and how it kept moving lower. I haven’t had any more pain in the last two weeks. (big pain after a run and then it went away — I think I passed a small stone). Anyway… she’s running tests. The fatigue she thinks could be my thyroid. My TSH is a borderline “high”. I don’t think that is the reason for this fatigue… but ok. She’s testing some sort of antibodies. I am cold all the freaking time… so who knows. And maybe as a bonus I would lose weight. I did like her. So at least now I have an internist GP. She’s also sending me for an Endocrinology consult.

You will find this funny… I told her I felt so fatigued — I can barely see straight. I have no motivation to do the things I need to do. So she is asking me about what I do. My exercise schedule, what I do in my free time, working, parenting, etc. At the end of the appointment she said to me “have you ever considered that your fatigue might be that you are doing too much?” Uh. Wow. Not really. LOL

I do think there is a certain factor here about what I “expect” is normal. I have never been a normal sized person who exercises or trains…. so I think I am abnormal to feel this tired. Perhaps… I am normal and I just don’t know it.

Our older dog is at the vet right now. I am going to need haul over and go get her after five. Yay… right during rush hour. How nice of them to time for us. Apparently she’s got something going on with her bloodwork. She was there for a teeth cleaning. So this is always happy news you love to hear. We wont know anything for a few days. Our other dog has done well at the dog shows. He won another show that was supposed to be a “major” and the major broke because someone pulled their dog.
If I wasn’t so exhausted — I would be organizing – but nothing makes me feel better then organizing and making everything orderly when I feel out of control. But I think instead I’ll go take a nap.

As a parent, when your child is in the preteen years, what is it you should be focusing on to get them ready for independence and the future? What relationship building blocks need to be in place to make the teen years less rocky and more of a partnership?

I am reading that book by Eckhert Tolle and it’s really influencing how I am thinking about parenting. He says that what our children really long from us as parents is not to have a relationship built around the role as a parent, but rather they long to have a relationship with our authentic self. When the parenting role falls away as they get older… you really need to have something more authentic and built on mutual respect in order for the relationship to continue to grow and also get them to respect you.

So, I think the most important part of this is to really talk to my children and let them know that I am trying to connect with them not just as a parent, but also as a human being. That I long to spend time with them and I want to be with them and learn from them. I need to recognize them as individuals and not just lump them into the category of “my children”. I need for them to understand the spiritual priority I have in getting to know their souls and how important that is to me… and that it is just as important to me as directing them in their roles as “children”. That I love them past the “role” they play as children… but I love them as human beings more deeply then the roles we play.

The book is having a very profound effect on helping redefine my values to a more spiritual focus. I’m going to continue to do some posts about what I get from the book.

Tonight’s dinner: Chicken breasts stuffed with Feta, Spinach and Sundried Tomato with Rice Pilaf and mixed veggies on the side.

Exercise: I did a half hour of strength training with my friend who’s sort of acting as my personal trainer today. I’m going to hurt. I already hurt. My hip is sore, but I think that is because of the warm up on the elliptical which was probably stupid on my part. Break out the anti-inflammatory drugs friends!

Happy Moment: Mom has hired a personal trainer.

Meditation: I meditated for 20 minutes early this morning and kept my thoughts quiet. I’m very proud.

The thing that is sucking the most energy from me right now: My brutal schedule. I need to make changes. I need more free time to feel balanced.

Stop the train, I want to get off! I really really really do not like my life this scheduled and busy. This awareness is made worse by the fact that I do recognize that it’s of my own doing. I could be establishing better boundaries. I am the master of my own universe. I need to act like a big girl.

I’m back to meditating. I can’t do it as long as I was, but I know I can train myself back to it. It’s very hard to empty your mind. However I find that when my mind is emptied, I am able to make better choices when I come back to reality. It’s like I have the extra mental space to deal with stuff. I need that extra space to deal with stuff. Trust me, there’s a lot going on in here.

One of the areas of my life I am working on right now is trying to see the good instead of seeing the bad. Now, on the surface that seems like a very good goal to have. Who doesn’t want to be around a positive person all the time? But truth is, if you work at staying in the middle all the time, it creates a certain level of inertia. You don’t get anything accomplished. As a metaphor, there isn’t a whole lot of movement in the middle of a see saw… all the movement and excitement is at the ends. To be happy in the middle, you have to really be content with the idea that the middle is good enough. And that truly, is the crux the problem. I never think anything is good enough. I’m always wanting to improve whatever the thing is “de jour”. Even if I focus on the good and positive of something, I am always thinking how it could be better. This has served me well to become quite successful at whatever I put my mind to, but is utterly exhausting for those around me I would imagine.

When I was fat, I never really gave a rats ass about what someone thought about something I was doing. One of the huge pluses of practicing my very special lack of presence in the moment, incredible denial and detachment was that I didn’t have to engage in what people thought, what they felt or how I might make them feel. Fast forward to now. I’m more aware. I practice a little bit more effort at thinking about how what I do, say, look like, touch, question, etc might make someone feel. This awareness is freakin’ exhausting friends! And it causes me to feel a bit unauthentic really. I do not like having to moderate myself in this way. I believe that all folks should just take things at face value and move on. The awareness of these things makes me feel like I must improve this area of my life. I know this is an area I need to work on and thus the exhausting component that I am always trying to improve. What was easier and felt better was not caring and just being the me who expects everyone to put on their big girl/boy panties and move on.
Even though I am more caring about people’s feelings… I still do not feel “known”. People still think that when I ask them questions about a decision they made, that I am passing judgment. People still think that I am intimidating. People still think I don’t share my feelings honestly, even though I don’t play those mind games and they admit that I don’t.

So where’s the happy middle here? I think I could be happy in the middle if I could define it! What’s a girl to do?

Put on my big girl panties and move on.

This year we are doing a new take on the whole resolutions shtick. We are instead making a family plan. Not *that* kind of family plan. It’s more like a road map about what what we want to accomplish next year.

I’ve always been the planner in our family. It comes naturally to me. I like to organize, I like having goals and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with achieving them. And even if I can’t make all my goals this year, I believe that just by writing them down, I am that much closer to making them a reality. I give them energy.

By developing a list of goals, I am defining what success looks like. My family and I are working together to bring clarity about what it is we are working towards and letting our values define us.

The thing that has always been lacking, is that my husband hasn’t really been a part of the process. Oh sure, I’ve tried to loop him in, but honestly, his eyes glaze over a bit . Well this year, I was able to get him a bit more engaged when I told him that he could even put down sex goals. LOL I finally realized I just wasn’t talking in a currency that was meaningful to him before. Ha ha!

I’m not going to write out here in my blog all the goals, but I thought some of you might be interested in the subheadings. Many of these are almost like a to do list. On others we spent time together articulating what does the “ideal look like” – what would success mean here — then figured out what steps we needed to take to get there. John and I have goals under most subheads and the kids have goals under some of them.

Marriage
Romance
Spiritual
Financial
Emotional
Security (things like updating wills, creating a disaster plan, buying a new safe, doing an insurance review)
Parenting (where do we need the most work?)
Focused expansion goals for each child (what each child needs to work on)
Children’s social graces
Family values
Attitude
Vacations we want to go on next year
House projects we want to accomplish
Career growth
Fitness Goals
Health Goals (find a new doctor, take vitamins more regularly )
Charity
Relationships
Social
Self Help
Education
Organization
Family Time

Perhaps the reason I am always sore is because I am always pushing myself. This probably seems obvious to you my dear readers — but it was a lightbulb moment for me yesterday when I realized it.

So yesterday I ran 3 miles at a fast pace for me. (.3 mph faster then usual) Why couldn’t I just run and enjoy it for the sake of running? I hadn’t run in a week. Why not just enjoy it instead of tying a goal to it? So I realize that I want to always either run faster or farther then I did the time before. And I tend to not think its a “good run” unless I exceed my expectations. It’s me yet again immersing myself in my living in the extremes. The middle is never good enough. I’m enjoying the achievement instead of the process. Its like I don’t grasp the nuances of things…but only the really big swings from nothing to something.

Learning balance. It’s my life lesson I’m sure.

Is there such a thing as Over-Parenting? I think so. When you don’t let your kid experience things… you are telling them “I don’t believe you can handle this so I’m going to protect you from it”. The intention is great…but the consequence is disasterous.

And what happens is that it builds on it’self…. on small seemingly harmless ways. From the mom who doesn’t want to expose her kid to other kids because the “noise” is upsetting. To the toddler who is never told “no!” or “taught how to comfort themselves” to the teen who can’t make a plan for the future — like telling mom when to pick them up from the game but instead just ringing them on their cell phone to come get them now. What is the message we are sending our kids?

This is a great article!!! Very thought provoking!

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about the lessons I want to teach my children. I figure, my job as a parent is to help guide the ship, to foster independence and give my children the appropriate skills (at the appropriate time) to navigate their life.

I let my management experience guide me. You can’t use one management style for everyone. The best managers spend time figuring out what people are good at and then exploiting that, versus constantly trying to jam a round peg into a square hole. This was a nice positive place to start. But it became obvious that really, I needed to focus on the things that didn’t come naturally to each child. I couldn’t just bury my head because I didn’t want to deal with it. I am a parent, not a manager and there is a difference. I have a responsibility for helping them to develop coping skills. Each child has very different personalities, skills and attributes. I should focus on what skill each of them need most help with and figure out ways to deal with it while creating a nurturing environment for their natural talents and abilities. Also as time progresses, I that my role is to be the motivation in the areas where they lack motivation. Don’t you wish you had someone around to motivate you?

Then I thought that perhaps I needed to really boil everything down to a few concepts to keep it simple. It’s like in our home, we have several rules that must be followed or there are consequences. These are sort of like my parenting mantra. Things like:

Treat others like you would like to be treated.
Controlling your emotions.
Accepting the answer no.
Following instructions
Using your words

(more…)

I had an interesting conversation this morning with my mother. We were discussing how her sister was moving down to help with her mom and how Grandma is a bit stressed by it. Of course it’s a big change and my mom does things for my grandmother that her sister probably won’t do. Things like doing her hair and cooking nice meals. Her sister just doesn’t have the same skill set.

As the conversation progressed, I made mention that even though her sister was going to be here, it didn’t mean that she wouldn’t be around to help Grandma. I mentioned that perhaps Grandma was worried that things would be like they were before, before she was dependant. That perhaps, Grandma thought that mom was viewing her sister coming down as a “get out of service free card” cause my mom never visited my Grandma to maintain the relationship before. My mom got all huffy and chimed in that she visited at least once a week. I suppose she got a bit more upset when I used the words like “delusional”. I don’t know why I picked this to go into now… really I don’t. I regretted it as soon as the words were out of my mouth. (more…)

My best friend and I have had talks at length about friendships and my issues regarding balancing them. She has suggested that perhaps I need to be more discriminating about the people I let into my inner circle. This didn’t really feel right to me. It was driving me crazy that I could simply chalk this problem up to a lack of “perception” on my part. I consider myself a good judge of character… what was happening? It must be something else. Something else must be going on.

Time to do some work.

The first step is admitting you do have a problem. And I am there. I admit that there is something going on. In a nutshell, it seems like I have an issue “moderating” friendships. This manifests itself in two ways:

1. I tend to not judge appropriately a reciprocal level of friendship.
2. People expect me to be their “best friend” and are hurt and surprised when I am not.

Either way, the outcome is a painful period of time when I am disengaging myself from the friendship – or wishing I could disengage.

So I have spent some time since June really trying to wrap my head around what exactly the problem is. It was really bothering me that we could chalk this up to a lack of perception on my part. I haven’t gotten it all figured out, but I do have some additional insights on why my perception is all screwed up. I feel like I’m getting a handle on defining the problem- which in turn will help me come up with solutions on how to deal with it.

One of the keys to me figuring out what was going on here was really thinking about timing. I never have had this problem with “friendship” before. There are several things that are different now then they have been in the past:
1. My kids are in school and I have more social connections.
2. I have more free time because I’m not working.
3. I am normal now… normal size.

So first we’ll talk about the appropriate judgment of friendship. The cues for me are all screwed up. The cues of what determined “interest” before as a fat person is not the same as it is for a normal sized person. People are acting more interested and I am having a rough time gauging interest appropriately. When people were this interested before they were like my best friends. Who knew there were different levels of interest and that “responding” to someone doesn’t mean I have to up the ante with responsiveness to get people to like me? Oh and by the way, all interest is not created equal. I now realize that part of the reason I have trouble with “new friendships” and thinking they are deeper then they really are is because people are reacting to me differently then they were when I was fat. But I am still viewing everything through a fat girls eyes.

Input is screwed up because I made different friendship choices when I was fat. There were only close friends really. I have never dealt with normal friendship interest before. I’ve never had a battalion of friendships that were based on “differing needs”. Because people who could tolerate hanging out with a fat person were either let into the inner circle or cut. Everything I learned before about processing new relationships was done dealing with the “disability” of fatness. I don’t know how to process yet the “difference” of how people react to me now as a normal sized person versus being a fat person. I need to learn a whole new set of rules and tools.

Then there are the friends who think I want to be their best friend. Why? Because I’m still overcompensating. They are normal, but because I’m locked into fat girl overcompensation mode, I am subconsciously sending off cues that I want a deeper level of friendship. Not only is my “input” screwed up misreading them, but their input is screwed because I am overcompensating. Cause in my head, I’m still a fat person don’tcha know?

I also think that I unconsciously tend to mirror people and that just becomes a vicious cycle that gets confusing and feeds on itself. The fat person ALWAYS overcompensated to make people like her and keep people liking her. The normal sized person doesn’t have to do that now. I don’t’ have to be extra funny, extra revealing, extra compassionate, etc. And I haven’t really yet learned how to let people just like me for me without throwing all that extra effort in. Interestingly, I can be closer to the real me and just let people who don’t like me fall off the radar. I’m not desperate for friends anymore.

It’s sad to admit but there is a wider net to pick from now for friends too. Gah, sad that people actually let physical appearance play a role like this isn’t it? But it’s true. I can be more “discriminating” because whether it’s fatness or different social circles, there are more options. It’s sort of like when I was fat, 2 out of every ten stuck it out to try to build a friendship. Now it’s like 9 out of 10. I always had to do all this overcompensating stuff… so the bar of “what do in a friendship” was really high. There weren’t that many acquaintances, so I didn’t really learn how to just “be” with people you hardly know. Not like the prom queen in high school who has her inner posse and a host of people who want to be her friend. I never had to deal with that. When I was fat, I didn’t think people were “staying away” because I was fat… but now in hindsight and looking at the way things are now.. I can see they were. People were just uncomfortable with my weight. I guess I was blind to it the same way I was blind to the fact that the extra 150 lbs was really as bad as it was.

Yesterday folks asked me to talk about the “peace” I brought into my life. If you saw how upset I was last week, you’d really think my peace was extra amazing. (Sorry can’t blog the details) I think the overwhelming thing I keep focused on when I feel really upset is that I have a “belief” system that allows me to believe that everything is unfolding as it should. No matter what happens, I believe that there is a reason it’s happening the way it’s happening. That there is a lesson I am supposed to learn from it.

And sometimes, it’s really difficult. This week, I had a really hard week emotionally. I think that things that I said might have caused someone deep pain and caused them to react in a very extreme way. Even though I was angry with this person I really was sad and feeling guilty that perhaps my comments caused the reaction… and I didn’t quite know what to do with their anger towards me or my anger towards them. I don’t like when people are angry with me…especially when I feel they didn’t have the whole story. I was frustrated because communication had collapsed… and it seriously was getting to be too much effort to keep trying. I simply felt depressed because I was having to stray far from who I am.

And so I simply took some time and did what always works for me. I sought out peace.

If I am really upset, I focus on things that make me feel more in control. Usually, my being upset can be traced to feeling out of ‘control’ about something. So… I do the one thing that makes me feel in control. I organize. (Or eat… but we are going to talk about my positive trait here! Ha!) I pick something in my house and hyper focus on that. I honestly try to pick something that has been bothering me for a while. Like perhaps my closet or a junk drawer. Something that sucks abit of energy from me every time I encounter it. Organizing gives me peace. It is uplifting to me to take something that makes me feel bad when I see it and change it into something that not only doesn’t make me feel bad anymore… but now makes me feel good! It’s like a drug fix and it is very soothing to me. This organizing helps distract me from the pain while I compose myself… and I am able to organize my feelings while I’m organizing my drawer!

Once I clear out of the deep hurt and overwhelmed feelings…then I can really think about what is going on and how I want to deal with it. I spend time thinking about what is important to me. I fall back on my values and standards and let them guide me. I meditate… although sometimes, I’m still too upset to be able to push what is bothering me out of my mind. Mostly though, if all else fails, I fall back to trying to treat people the way that I would want to be treated. If the friendship is ending… I offer closure. If it’s an argument, I offer to talk about it. Etc etc.

If I have a friend I can count on for good advice, often I might turn to them for some soothing. Sometimes they can offer me additional insights that will help me gain perspective (and feel in control!). I usually only use the friend thing when I think I am missing part of the picture. Other times, when I know I was at fault… It’s really simply more about me spending time with me, listening to my own voice, and deciding what my steps are. I simply have to be alone. I go on autopilot really. I tell people no with regards to projects. I do not go out with friends. Anything “extra” is just given to the kids. Everything else is only about me. During this phase, I just have nothing extra to give.

Once I have cleared away the noise, then I can focus on creating peace. Peace isn’t something that just descends on you. Defining peace is difficult don’t you think? It’s sorta like music… we might describe the same thing differently right? What music makes me feel good might not do the same for you. It’s subjective. It’s how it feels. It’s quiet, calm and loving. It’s open… and so instead of trying to make an ENTIRE DAY that way… I start with just trying to create a moment. It’s like when you feel like crap but you smile anyway… and if you do it enough, you realize you do feel ok. Same thing with peace. Start small…

I focus on creating a moment just for me. Something that is for me and is focused on me and I am recognizing the whole time it’s for me. It’s not necessarily that it’s out of the ordinary. What’s out of the ordinary about it is that I stop to enjoy it and recognize that it’s important, valued and beautiful. So perhaps it’s making a floral arrangement of the roses from my garden. Perhaps it’s snuggling with my child. Perhaps it’s dumping my kids on my husband and settling down with a good book and a cup of tea. Usually the more hokey it sounds, the better. Even if the rest of the world is falling apart and I feel awful, I concentrate on these moments where my life is like a storybook. Self pampering works really well here.

And then I practice gratitude. I really make myself feel thankful for the moment of peace.

And that my friends… is how I bring about peace in chaos! No magic bullet… it’s really quite simple. Just harder to put into practice then it sounds.

Dear God,

Remember when I asked you to give me more friends in my life? Yeah…. Well… I’d like to amend that request. I realize you are a God of Specifics, so I am going to be really specific now that I realize the error of my ways. Please only give me friends who are good communicators. If they aren’t good communicators, you can dump give them onto someone else.

Yeah. I learned my lesson the hard way. But at least I can now count it learned.

Amen.

Emma is getting teased at school for her weight. It’s happened all year, but it’s gotten worse lately or Emma can no longer hanlde it. I sent the email below to the principal, teacher and counselor at school….

If you are a parent of a “normal weight kid” please take time today to talk to your children about the power of words and how it’s not good to hurt people’s feelings just because you can. Actually educate your kids that there are many different body shapes and “normals”. Let your children know that it’s not ok to hurt someone’s feelings.

Mean kids suck.

Hi,

Warmly,
–Kym

I wonder if this might be admitting too much truth on my blog… but sometimes I am overwhelmed by the number of people in my life who need touched in some way by me. I am really trying to explore my feelings about how I feel overwhelmed by all the little touches. There is no one person who is making these demands, but it’s the cumulative effect they have on me. I think that because there are so many of them, that I realize that they impact my ability to be present 100% for the people I do care most about. I can’t give them as much because I’m too busy.

Other then my husband, kids and best friend (and their needs don’t deplete me) here’s the list of people in the last 72 hours who required at least 5 minutes of my time off the top of my head:

The cruise guy
The air conditioner guy
11 different people from the PTSA
My grandmother two times
My mother two times
My sister
My cousin
My mother in law
Two neighbors
A neighbor who had surgery
3 people from my weight loss surgery support group
A couple dozen people from my online adoption group
2 emails about adopting from Kazakhstan
1 email about adopting from Guatemala
2 emails from college friends
4 emails from people asking about my weight loss surgery
7 emails from bloggy friends (no counting comments)
46 emails about our house in Florida
1 email to our school principal
4 mother’s day cards sent
2 thank you cards sent
23 emails I should have answered in some way but I just ignored
2 conversations in front of the school with different people
4 birthday party RSVPs

And truthfully… I just typed out that list without much thought other then a quick count in my inbox to make sure the numbers were close to accurate.

Of course many of those people I don’t care about, but many I do. I feel like the sheer number of people I don’t care that much about greatly impacts the quality of care for the people I do care about.

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel “controlled” when a friend says “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile give me a call?” Because then it becomes something you have to keep in your mind and have to eventually deliver on?

I probably need therapy to sort through all this. But it seems strange to me that someone who values friendships and relationships as much as I do… feels such an overwhelming weight trying to maintain them. Managing them should bring me joy. Instead, it feels like a chore.

Anyway.. it’s just something I am thinking about. I’d love any thoughts from my readers on the matter.

I’ve been giving some thought to creating an ethical will. You of course have heard about living wills, and you should have one. And you have heard of legal wills, where you specify where you want your belongings to go when you die. But what about creating a plan for what values and lessons you want to pass on to your children. I’m going to be giving some thought to this. And I thought I’d pass on some of my brainstorms. Understand, that this list is more like the “second tier”. I am not articulating a lot of the givens like “treat others like you would like to be treated”. I’m going for more of the lessons and values that I have had to learn the hard way, and perhaps learned or recognized later in life.

What would you put in your ethical will to your kids?

1. Know yourself and don’t take what other people think about you as your truth. Define yourself. Don’t let other’s define you before you do. Words people say and their actions can only effect you if you give it the power to do so. If someone walks up to you on the street and says you have blonde hair and you have brown hair… will that hurt you? No, because you know it isn’t true. Believe in your truth before you believe in other people’s truths. Don’t make their truth your own unless you want it to be and it’s a conscious decision.

2. Discipline and perseverance will take you farther then your intelligence will. Half the battle in life is just sticking to something, through the bad and staying focused on the goal. Yes it’s important to evaluate your course, but understand that course corrections can be extremely costly when moving from point A to point B. So make a good decision to begin with and then stick with it.

3. Your political skills are what will set you apart from the rest. In the workplace, there will be a lot of people who are smarter then you. Always remember that the key to being a star in the workplace is not how great a job you do, but how great a job you do at navigating the political landscape. Be a good communicator. Be politically savvy. Political skills are the one attribute that really sets apart the “stars” from the average employee.

4. Meditate everyday. Even if it’s only five minutes. Slow yourself down. Pray. And make sure you take time to listen.

5. Be a calming force. When there is chaos, be the one people turn to in crisis. Be a calming spirit. Listen. Act reasonably. Do not excite others to anger. Excite others to gentle and giving action.

6. Always think one job ahead. Especially if you are changing jobs. Will this new job you are going to help you land or do better in your next job? Will it give you a new skill, political capital or experience that you can use to further your career? If not, then don’t take the job.

7. Give back. Just like saving, it’s important to take a part of what you make and use it for the greater good. Find something you are passionate about and use your time, passion and money to make it better. Figure out what you can do to make life better or easier for those around you.

8. Value diversity. Know that even though sometimes it’s so much harder to be around people who are different that you, that you will be a better person and life will be richer if you have people in it that are different. Being different is a gift. Trying to understand what makes people different will make you a better person.

9. Know that some things can’t be fixed. Fix what you can in life. Recycle where you can. But know that there are some things, some relationships, that can’t be fixed. And sometimes, it’s better to amputate fast then face a long slow drawn out amputation over a long period of time.

10. When you have a relationship in your life you don’t know what to do with… give it the ultimate litmus test: Does this relationship nourish me? Do I feel better or worse after being around this person? If the answer is worse, then move on.

11. Resist the urge to oversimplify life’s issues. It’s so hard in this black and white world, to not just go one direction or other. To live in the black and white. It takes effort to embrace the complexity of issues and not just see only the extremes. Most of life and it’s issues are shades of gray. Enjoy the gray. Love the gray. Try to embrace the gray.

12. Declutter your life. Live simply and always within your means. Focus on relationships and not “things”. Declutter your life and you will be surprised how much more room you will have in it for the things that really matter.

13. Identify what is taking energy away from you. Small things add up. Take time to do things that make you feel good. Don’t waste your precious energy having to keep track of things like paying that bill you haven’t paid for 3 months, cleaning out your closet that makes you feel sick every time you open it, or not doing that paper till the last minute. Don’t let small things hang over your head and deplete you.

14. Create treasures for those you love. Lasting memories. Memory books. Pictures. Written words. Journals. Blogs. Care enough about those around you to give of yourself and create specialness for those you love.

15. Measure your success. When you do something, always have a metric for how you will know if you have been successful. Determine this metric before you start.

16. Prioritize everything. Determine what in your life is really important. Always have goals and determine what steps you take against each goal. If a big step doesn’t match a life goal, then it’s probably not a step you should be taking.

17. Love deeper. People are in relationships with you because they want to be loved by you. So give freely to those you love. Use touch. Give the gift of free time. Pamper them. Embrace and recognize the joys of loving someone and do not take the gift of loving someone lightly. Focus on growing relationships that nourish you and take them to a deeper level.

18. Don’t expect things to be different if you keep doing things the same way.

19. Take a long-term view. When you aren’t sure what to do, think about what choices you are making now are going to effect you 5 years from now. Are they still good choices when valued against time’s measuring stick?

20. You are loved. No matter what, God, your father and I love you more then words can say.

My weekend was wonderful. Tiring. Full. Hectic. Nostalgic.

Biggest 15th College Reunion Lesson learned: That even casual friendships take on a more significant meaning when they simply survive the tests of 15 years of time without imploding. Somehow, time increases those friendships significance and importance.

Hopefully, I’ll be less jetlagged and will be back to blogging tomorrow.

I’m glad to be home!

I am reading the book BLINK by Malcolm Gladwell. The book covers many fascinating experiments and Malcolm takes what could be really dry material and makes it very compelling and personally relevant. One that really was interesting to me was one in the section called “Secrets in the Bedroom”.

To paraphrase, imagine you are looking for the best candidate for a job. I offer you two choices: meet with the person twice a week for a year to have lunch, go to dinner etc to the point you become good friends. Or instead you can drop into their house for half an hour when they aren’t there and nose around. Which opportunity would better measure how good a candidate the person is?

Amazingly, the second choice would. You would think wouldn’t you that getting to know someone over a “year” would give you a better sense. But that’s the whole point of the book… that sometimes “thin slicing” making decisions with seemingly more limited info gives you a more accurate picture of the person. Sometimes, quanity of information isn’t as important as it’s quality.

Gosling (the researcher) says that the bedroom gives you insight into first identity claims. Like how we would like to be seen by the world. For example a framed copy of a college diploma on the wall. Then there is be behavioral clues like dirty laundry on the floor or an alphabetized bookshelf. Finally there are the thoughts and feeling regulators which are changes we make to our personal spaces that affect the way we feel. Like a scented candle in the corner or a pile of decorative pillows or a soothing water fountain. If you see all these things, you *know* certain aspects about an individuals personality instantly.

And just as important is that you don’t get all the additional information that shouldn’t “count” towards measuring the best candidate for the job, things like race, height, weight, etc. What you don’t see is just as important as what you do. It also filters out what people say about themselves. Because sometimes what you say isn’t what how other’s perceive you.

Isn’t that fascinating?

I love this book Blink. Real thought provoking book. I highly recommend it.

Have you heard of the foot in the door technique? I guess in 1966, the team of Freedman and Fraser asked some homeowners if they would let them place a huge “DRIVE CAREFULLY” sign in their front yards. Guess what? Yeah. Only 17% of the people said ok.

But this is the interesting part.

When asked to put up a three inch “BE A SAFE DRIVER” window sign, almost all agreed to it. And then these homeowners were asked to place that humongous DRIVE CAREFULLY sign on their front lawns. Of this group can you believe that a walloping 76 percent consented?

So what’s to learn here? Size matters?

No. Silly.

Well. Wait. Yeah it does. But that isn’t the lesson.

Could be, but it’s not.

This study shows that there is a tendency for people who have first agreed to a small request to comply later with a larger one.

What an incredibly useful technique no?

And the mind reels with the applications of this doesn’t it? It’s sorta like capitalizing on the laws of physics. Inertia. That which is in motion tends to stay in motion and that which is is motionless tends to stay motionless.

So… when you kid is screaming at you that they don’t want to go to bed… ask them to do something small and fun first. THEN their ass will agree and go to bed with a smile.

When I’m asking folks to do things for the PTA, I need to ask them to do some stupid small task first… before I sock them with the big one to get them involved.

When I want my husband to do more chores, I need to ask him to do a small one first. And then be overwhelmed by his 75% compliance.

This is another hope springs eternal type post isn’t it?

There is a Toltec Wisdom book by Don Miguel Ruiz called the Four Agreements. The book is wordy but the message is wonderful. Live by these four agreements and your relationships will be smoother and stress free. Your life will be richer. Sounds divine doesn’t it? The Four Agreements are:

1. Live impeccably by your word. (Say what you mean, mean what you say.)
2. Don’t take anything personally.(People live in their own snow globes, what they do or say has nothing to do with you. It’s all about their own baggage.)
3. Don’t make assumptions. (Don’t be a wussy, ask people what they mean when you don’t know.)
4. Always do your best. (And therefore skip regret.)

These seem really simple right? Easy to read. Easy to say. Hard to put into real life practice complicated by the complexities of real life relationships.

I think # 3 is the hardest for me. It’s hard for several reasons. First, I am a person who reads into EVERYTHNG. I analyze stuff to death. I can rip apart each persons action, reaction, and lack of action and read meaning into it. If I know a lot about their past, I am usually fairly accurate. When I don’t have lots of info… it’s sorta like garbage in and garbage out. And of course that doesn’t slow down my assumptions. I still react based on my assumptions. It’s all about thinking through the whys of why people act the way they do.

Secondly, I am awful at asking for help or clarification. Because that could show vulnerability or weakness. God forbid. And I guess I worry about people seeing me as weak. I am not as worried about being weak, but I am worried about seeming weak. And talking about feelings seems girlie weak. I can ask people what they *think*. But not what they *feel*. Obviously, I need therapy? Life would be so much easier if I would just put my own feelings out there. It’s ok to say “I have no idea how you feel… how ‘bout you tell me?” I guess I could talk a bit about risk here. Me volunteering how I “feel” is up there with jumping out of an airplane type of risk. Yeah, that about sums it up.

And thirdly, I worry what people think and, even more, what they feel about me. I moderate myself a lot. I don’t drill down into feeling stuff. Yet I like it when it happens. I am never just saying things like “You know when I have to initiate every contact it makes me feel like you don’t value me”. Or “When you did this, it made me think that you really didn’t give a rip about what was going on”. Or… even going for the holy grail of “You made me FEEL bad, happy, sad, thrilled, etc.” I just don’t go there very often.

Underneath this hard exterior is a marshmallow I guess. A thinking marshmallow like the tin man, (or Don Henley) that is looking for the Heart of the Matter. Ha.

I could close here with some nifty introspective comment about how I am going to implement the Four Agreements into my feelings and not just into my thinking. But let’s face it, it’s easier said then done.

Yesterday Emma got her first Valentine with no name. She immediately thought it was from a secret admirer. Isn’t that cute? Yes we discussed that perhaps it was someone who simply forgot to sign their name, but she was convinced that this was made just for her. She wanted to believe. So we did.

First she told me why she thinks it’s a secret admirer. No one else got a homemade valentine like this one. It was simply colored on pink paper. All the other homemade Valentines were different. Look at all the heart happy faces they colored just for me! It was unsigned. It was pretty. Obviously someone took great care to make it for her. And it was only for her… no one else got one anything like it. It made her feel special. But then she wondered why someone just wouldn’t tell her they liked her. Ahhhh. The question of the ages.

“Wouldn’t it be great if someone just told you they liked you mom?” She thought about it some more. “I guess I’d be scared to tell someone I liked him though,” she said seriously. I asked her why. She said she would be afraid they would laugh at her and not want to be her friend anymore.

Part of me wants to tell her to embrace this… to summon up the courage from deep within her and put herself all out there. Live life to the fullest. Embrace the passion of life. If you care about someone, just tell them. That there is nothing more rewarding then putting yourself out there to be loved and someone loving you back. The cynical side of me wants to tell her to keep her vulnerability close to her chest and not let people stomp all over her feelings. Wait till it’s safe. It’s boring, but it hurts less.

And yet the answer is somewhere in between. It’s about balance. Finding the right combination of putting yourself out there and playing it safe. Maybe if she figures this out she can teach her mom.

There is nothing like being known deeply by someone. Someone who has known you for years, has been there during the joy and sorrow. Who knows the dark side of you and the light side of you and appreciates both. I personally find it strangely comforting and at the same time disconcerting. The comfort comes from knowing a person so well that you can anticipate their responses. The disconcerting is that I don’t like anyone knowing understanding me so deeply that it’s hard to not hide things from them. It’s rare in my life that people I know extremely well surprise me. And yet, every once and awhile, someone says something to me that surprises me to my very core. Sometimes I agree with it, sometimes I don’t. But I always appreciate the surprise. Especially ones that make me think, reflect, and question myself. Even if it makes me a bit queasy that they know me so well.

I have several new friendships in my life. Two of them are with people whom I find extremely intriguing. The first has potential to be a deep friendship. This person has the ability to understand the baggage that has built up the compartments of my life. They get the whole psychology of my life because they have lived similar experiences. It’s strange when you are revealing some of the secrets of your life and someone else says “me too!”. It forges an instant bond. It will be interesting to see how that bond deepens over time. This person has the rare combination of humor, intellect and communication skill that makes me think I’ve hit the mother-lode of friendships. I’m trying to be restrained because you never know what time is going to reveal… but things look promising.

The other person is more guarded and closed. Our current friendship is defined by a joint project and I am unsure if the friendship would survive outside that confine because I haven’t gotten many details of their life. Gives me tidbits, shows an interest, but pulls back so much, I’m not sure where they stand or how interested they are in creating a deeper friendship. Maybe a surface friendship is all they want? Interesting challenge, if I don’t tire of it. I don’t think this person reads my blog… which probably means this person isn’t as fascinated by me as I am by them. And this is where my instant gratification tendencies are a big liability. I give up. And I can point to several recent lessons where making the call earlier versus later is better for all involved.

The common variable that not only is important to friendship development but can also measure its success is time. I have discounted the value of time in the past. It’s been a huge factor for me because it’s such a commodity. I view it like money… more important actually… dispensed with care and always measured. But it’s more then that. I haven’t really grasped yet all it’s influences. Can you balance its demands? Can you weather the storms it offers? Will you make determinations too soon or too late? Can you tolerate what isn’t great about the relationship over time’s linear course? And why does it have to be weighted as so important when one feels powerless to control it and add more of it?

Did you see Will Smith on Oprah yesterday? He gave this talk about how his goal is to be the best husband he can be. That he is striving to be the best lover, friend, emotional support, listener, etc. That there is NO WAY Jada could find a man to fill his shoes. I found this so incredible. To hear a guy verbalize loving his spouse in this way and how he makes his love a major priority! He really seemed so emotionally charged and available. Magnetic and charismatic and focused on loving his spouse. How cool is that? You could see women swooning in the audience.

So can you teach political savvyness? Or would it be savviness? Am I making up a word? I believe that being politically savvy is one of the big 5 characteristics of being successful in the workplace. So I really want to help my kids learn this skill. And I find, that I am going to have to actually slow down and articulate a plan on how to go about teaching this. First step to get across is listening and asking smart questions. Got to teach them that. It’s not going to come by osmosis. If I don’t think about this now and how I want to get the message across, I am going to miss opportunities. Like I almost did this morning.

So Emma. Dear sweet verbal but gets frustrated oh so easily Emma. Much like her mother, she’s got a big mouth. And she struggles to keep it in check when things aren’t going her way. She’s more a drama queen then I am so the whole controlling her emotions is a big lesson. But we are so a like on the mouth of the south thing. When I was younger, there was no filter. Everything that entered my head came out my mouth. I thought so fast that I didn’t slow my thoughts down and think about what goal I wanted to achieve and how to best go about getting there. I just started to flap my gums, happy if anyone was listening to me. And they usually were, because.. well… I have a big mouth. Who could miss my ranting and raving when I was doing it so persistently and loudly!

So this morning, I was frustrated because Noah kept coming to me telling me every little thing his oldest sister was doing that was wrong. These were little things, but I am very consistent in our house and so it was getting annoying to have to keep dealing with every infraction. Over and over. It didn’t stop. The last one was that his sister used the word stupid. Stupid is a strong word and we don’t use it. Noah was pointing out his sister used it. But why tell me? Just tell her to stop. And it hit me that Noah was coming to me to have me deal with it, because he couldn’t communicate with Emma because of her style. She just railroaded right over him and didn’t validate anything or listen to what he was really saying.

So Emma and I had a talk. We talked about how the reason her brother keeps telling on her is because she doesn’t listen. She didn’t like hearing that, but it’s true. Does she like it when he does that? No. Would she like to learn a way to make it stop? Yes. (Yes my trial close skills come in handy in parenting!) We talked about how she doesn’t validate her brother and what he says. If she doesn’t think he understands, then she needs to gently explain things to him on why he’s got it wrong. She needs to practice being a calming force in a crisis. And if she is wrong, she needs to cop to it and apologize. And if she can’t figure out what is wrong, she has to keep asking smart questions to figure it out. He will actually appreciate the fact that she’s trying and that will usually buy her a ton of good will from him.

Well, I made her try it and it didn’t go well. Mostly it was her attitude. Mostly it was that she kept choking on having to admit she was wrong. Scares me how much she is like me sometimes. Ha. So we role played. And it went well. She then tried it on her brother and he, as if on cue, hugged her and forgave her. All was happy. The birds sang. You could almost hear the music swelling in the soundtrack of “The Sibling Movie”. Noah felt like his sister listened, I felt like I might get a future reprieve from Noah’s endless tattling and Emma felt empowered to handle her little brother in a less confrontational way.

And I could end the story right there. It’s a happy ending. But it even got a bit better. Better in that I was able to go a bit deeper with my almost eight year old daughter.

On the way to school Emma asked how I knew to do that. How I knew that asking questions and listening would make Noah feel better. (And no, I didn’t tell her about my addiction to self help books!) And we talked about what work is like. We actually touched on office politics and how people decide people get more money. I explained being politically savvy. She was very intrigued. I told her that when you work with really smart people, the thing that sets you apart is not your brain or how well you do your work necessarily; it’s how well you can get other people to see things your way. That if your goal is to be the “best”, that often times being politically savvy is what will set you apart from the rest.

She thought about that a minute and told me that she thought that was true at school too.

And I smiled to myself, proud of my almost eight year old.

I agreed with most of the advice I got on my friendships post the other day. Theory is always great, but putting it to practice is hard. The general concensus was that I need to prioritize my relationships and cut the dead weight from my life. I’ve thought about this a lot. I think that part of the problem is that I don’t come to this cut decision quick enough. I am very slow to do that with my friendships. If a person has the slightest interest for me, I want to explore all their layers and THEN make a determination. I have trouble making the determination before all the results are in. Like everyone, I am in search of the holy grail of friends. And I want to know every facet of someone before I make the decision to cut and move on. And, I also have to do this exploration before they see the real me. So it’s a complicated dance. And it’s so rare I don’t find something wonderful in someone I want to explore more…so how can I let them go? And so I get lost in the no man’s land of “potential”. So maybe I need a new way to evaluate relationships? I mean I do evaluate them, I guess maybe it’s just not an effective process.

For example, there are the people I keep around me just because they push the envelope. They take me to the edges of my personality where I don’t often venture. Problem is - there is a reason I don’t venture there much. Rarely are these people pushing me to the good “extreme” side of my personality. I do have a very dark side… and I have learned how to be more moderate. But the edges are fun. I love being at the extremes. But the extremes usually aren’t good for me. Do I cut these people? I hate to because they meet the need of adventure in my life.

And then there are the relationships that inspire me or push me to be a better person. Or to grow. They help me to look at things a different way then I might normally view them. They offer me a different perspective. Many of these relationships are with people who have very different ideologies then my own. But I love when I learn from them. I don’t have to adopt their ideologies to learn from them and adapt their knowledge into something I can use. I love the diversity, even though moderating myself to them is often exhausting. Many times being around them is draining because I can not feel “real”. But they bring me gifts and help me to learn. I don’t want to cut them from my life because they educate me.

And then there the relationships that are similar in life experience. These are people who have gone through weight loss surgery, massive reconstructive plastic surgery, or international adoption, are dealing with aging parents, are online friends, or are parents of young children. I keep them around me because they can stand behind me and support me and tell me “yes, you are normal”. These friendships by and large are fairly easy to compartmentalize because there is only one thing that binds us together. I like having these people in my life because they validate me.

And then there are the relationships that are in the “could have potential” stage. The only reason they aren’t elevated to the full blown friend status is because I haven’t had the chance to sit down and psycho analyze their potential yet. Let’s face it; you have to get to a certain point with someone before they will let you ask the deep probing questions that allow you to peel back the layers. And yet I can’t get to the holy grail of frienships without seeing someone’s core. These relationships I keep and maintain because they offer incredible potential.

And then there are the relationships that fulfill me. There aren’t many of these. After they have come through the “could have potential stage” these are people I trust enough to share my secrets. These are the rare people who give to me more then they get. They offer me many gifts on many levels. They are not needy. They do not push my buttons. We click. I trust them. Usually in some way, they meet every other friendship compartment - good and bad. They have stood the test of time. These are the friends I can be very real with and I aspire to surround myself with them. I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few of these types of friends sprinkled across my life. They are the holy grail of friends.

So what do I learn from this? I dunno. But writing it out helps me get my mind around it.

I am struggling with maintaining friendships in my life. It’s hard to admit, because one of the things I pride my self on focusing on is friendships… but lately, it’s been very difficult. I feel like I’m not doing a very good job. I’m drowning actually.

When I was working fulltime, I didn’t have much time for friendships. I had a few very close friends, a few online friends, but most of my focus was spent on my family. It was all I could do to get up in the morning, get the kid ready, haul myself into work and then get home, cook dinner, play with my kid and manage life. Weekends were all about decompressing and catching up. Preparing the soul for another week in the rat race. Truthfully, with regards to friendships, life was simpler then.

When I stopped working and Dinara and Noah were settled, my friendship circle started expanding. Since I was going through a lot with the adoption, weightloss surgery, hysterectomy, building a house, etc… I still didn’t have too much time to focus on adding to my friendships. I gathered a few new friends, but didn’t feel too much stress trying to maintain those relationships. And most them were other adoptive families or infertile couples and they totally got the whole “life in a state of flux” thing.

Last year, things started to change and my friendship circles have exponentially increased. Although I am loathing admitting it, I think people find me more approachable thinner. I also became more active in my children’s school and took up several new hobbies. So there were more friends. More circles. More contacts. Now Dinara is in Kindergarten and I’m on the executive board of the PTA and our social opportunities have exploded. And I have met some incredible people…. But what do I do with them all?

And truthfully, there are several I think I would really like to develop deeper friendships with… there are a couple I really “click” with and I am excited about. But truthfully…who the hell has time to add more?

God, I hate writing that…because friendship is like love right? It’s infinite. I have the capacity to love infinitely… but I don’t have the capacity to maintain. Who wrote this equation?

If every friend expects to talk to you once a week for 20 mins…then when does that happen exactly? God forbid they want to see you regularly. And add into that the time demands of family. Talking on the phone to sisters, mothers, cousins, grandparents. Then add in social engagements. Kids lessons. PTA. Girl Scouts. Cleaning. Laundry. Managing life. Maintaining a part time job….. the list is endless folks.

Uh… how do you people do it? And more importantly, how do you people communicate it to your friends? How do you communicate to people that they are friends, but don’t expect too much?

Am I weird? Am I the only one that struggles with this stuff?

Tell me about how normal people entertain. Someone educate me.

I have very distinct groups of friends. I have my liberal friends. I have my conservative friends. I have friends from my kid’s school. I have my international adoption group friends. I have friends from when I worked at one place and friends from when I worked at another place. There are my husband’s friends. And let’s not forget my online friends. And there are my weight loss surgery friends. Crap. I have a lot of compartments. Is it possible to entertain them all En Masse successfully?

Do other normal people have very distinct groups of friends? And if you want to have a big party… do you invite them all over and just let the chips fall where they may? How exactly do other grown-ups do it?

I do entertain, but usually only small groups. And to be honest, it’s only truthfully I’ve felt secure doing it. Now that I do it, I realize I like it. And the thought occurs to me that maybe by NEVER entertaining large groups, Im missing out on something. So I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should get over my non-Marthness-entertaining-fear and just jump in and do it. I’m thinking I might give it a try around the holidays.

What am I afraid of? I dunno. I guess that they will all segregate into little junior high type cliques and pass judgment on each other. Or perhaps worse, that they will talk to each other and then pass judgement on me for having such weird friends. Does that make me weird?

And what is the best way to handle a party of like 25 couples or more? Just have an open house type party? Buffet? I always worry people will be bored. But I guess if I offer free booze and food everyone will be happy right? Anything else I need to worry about?

Ease my fears. Tell me what I need to do to feel safe and secure hosting a party and brining my very distinct groups of friends together in one place, at one time, to have fun.

My husband never watches Oprah. But the other day he was gathering some stuff for our Disney trip and it was on in the bedroom. They were talking about health. Showing the insides of real organs, talking about taking care of yourself, explaining things you can do to prolong your existence. Apparently, the doctor said that to stay healthy you are supposed to have sex four times a week. I wouldn’t know cause I was out of the room at the time.

I swear to you that my husband was *beaming* when I came back into the room. He happily relayed this obviously meaningful information to me. Taking pride in educating me. Him twisting the information in a way that would make me feel that I would be doing him a huge life extending service if I was only putting out more often.

My thought when my husband told me this factoid: Obviously the good doctor doesn’t have young children.

Four.times.a.week?

Do people with children really have sex that often — regularly? I mean…sure there is the occasional week where he might get it that often if the planets are aligned right, I am dosed up on estrogen, he’s done a ton of chores without me asking, made me an awesome dinner and the DOW is over 11K. But do normal everyday folks have sex on average (that means some weeks even more then 4 times) a week? If so, don’t bother answering in my comments cause I don’t want to give my husband more begging ammunition.

Yee gads.

I told him that we focus on quality vs. quanity. He laughed, hugged me and breathy whispered in my ear: FOUR.

Just great. Now I’m hosed. He has facts and I can tell Im going to hear about this for awhile. Now every time he makes an advance he reminds me that denial means I’m shortening his lifespan.

As I watched the final episode of Six Feet Under Season 2 it hit me. Keith’s character is very typical of many men I know. He doens’t communicate very well on an emotional level and he tends to withdrawl when he’s upset about something. I mean, he’s sorta like a straight guy who doesn’t talk about his feelings. It must be just as hard to be in a relationship with a gay man that doesn’t communicate as it is to be in a relationship with a straight man that doesn’t communicate emotionally.

Haven’t you ever thought before that women are better at relationship then men? What if there was no female to make a guy talk about their feelings? I mean really… it must be next to impossible for two men to have a relationship based on open emotional communication right?

Yes I know that is a very sexist comment… but I’m just sayin…

And if you haven’t watched Six Feet Under, you should rent it from Netflix. It’s awesome.

I have a friend who called me last night and asked me why I am ignoring her.

Uh. I’m not. I’ve just been busy.

I went on to explain to her that my friend Myrna had a tummy tuck and I spent quite a few hours at her house yesterday helping her out and doing some errands for her. Over the holiday weekend, we had plans with other friends, I’ve been planning my son’s birthday party, trying to find health insurance before COBRA runs out, managing some issues with a property we own, riding my husband to get a job, and suffering complete shock and awe over a friend of mine who found out she was pregnant and gave birth 3 freaking hours later.

My friend wasn’t impressed I guess… cause she still went on to tell me how hurt she is by my neglect of our special friendship. (insert cute little rolling eyes smiley here)

Uh. I don’t have time to nurture anyone more then the primary four needy souls in my life. (That would be John and the kids, not the kids and the dog in case you were wondering.) They are my priority and all extra time and nurturing goes to them.

I do care about this person, but our communication is really relegated to the phone. I don’t really like to talk on the phone much to begin with and this friend doesn’t live close by. So… that leaves email and she feels that is impersonal. I guess we could explore IM, but seriously, I don’t do that much either.

So I was put in this awkward position of having to defend myself. I had to convince her that I was so “busy” that justified not picking up the phone. She needed to know that I was thinking of her and she was important to me I guess. And then, now that she called me, I felt like I had to talk to her for at least 30 minutes. It sucked. It wasn’t warm and fuzzy. It felt like a chore.

So… now I feel like a loser. This person feels bad because I’m not meeting her expectations for friendship. I’m feeling bad cause she’s feeling bad and because I don’t want to meet her lofty expectations. Somewhat selfish of me I guess. Time is just so valuable to me. I think of it like a currency. My life is very full and very busy. I guess I need to get better at setting friends expectations that I am not a “daily contact” kinda girl and I really need people in my life who can “slip in out” without being needy. Surely this is an issue for other people? How do normal folks handle this issue?

You know how corporations have sensitivity training? I think I could make a mint if I created “How to be a thoughtful husband” training. Of course, after 13 years of marriage, my training hasn’t been too successful, but that’s beside the point.

Holidays are when I always get disappointed by my husband. I can bury the whole mundane not feeling special thing in the day to day busyness of routine. But on holidays I get my hopes up for some stellar display of how much he truly appreciates me. Especially Mother’s Day because of the infertility crap we went through. Parenthood didn’t come easy. So these holidays that were so painful when we were childless feel extra special now. You would think I would learn.

I try to not take it personally, but I can’t help it. And gift giving isn’t even necessary. The only thing that is necessary is that he shows planning was involved. It really is the thought that counts. I need to see EFFORT. If you don’t want to put in effort then you at least need to be bright enough to get the perfect gift.

I was really too sick yesterday to enjoy Mother’s Day very much anyway, but it would have been nice to have felt appreciated. He could have shown that any number of ways. He informed me that he did make dinner reservations and that did show something. Ok… so I am supposed to get al