Extraordinary Mundane

Ok… I am putting up some of my daughters IEP goals that are geared towards increasing her working memory. These goals are especially helpful for parents who have children who suffer from Auditory Processing Disorders. I am sharing them on my blog because I spent HOURS researching on the net for IEP goals and it was very difficult to find them!

• XXX will repeat a sentence of 9-15 words and after hearing it once, with no more than one error, in 8 of 10 opportunities.

• XXX will repeat a sentence including multiple relational words that deal with times, positions and sequences and after hearing it once, be able to preserve and paraphrase its meaning with 9 out of 10 opportunities.

• XXX will be able to hear 5 to 6 numbers and after hearing it once, repeat it back with no errors in 8 out 10 opportunities.

Noah got his gifted program test results. Noah is a Math whiz. But in the grade level above he scored 87 in Math. He scored in the 99th percentile for reading.

So let’s recap:

Emma, 3rd grader:
99th percentile for Math in 4th grade ITBS
90 percentile for Reading in 4th grade ITBS

Noah, Kindergartener:
99th percentile for reading in 1st grade
87th percentile for Math

Great scores…but not great enough for our school district’s gifted program. Both kids scored in the 99th percentiles in the exact areas I thought they wouldn’t do well. Hmm… wont think too much about that one I’m very proud of both of them. Now I just have to figure out what our next steps are.

Oh there is so much to write about. And so little time. Till my daughter goes to bed. And I am kicked out of the office she is sleeping in. So I’ll try to make this fast.

Emma got her gifted program test results. She scored in 99% for math a grade level higher then she is currently in. And she scored 90% for reading. Which sounds really good. And if she was in the next school district over she would be a shoe in to their program. But in our school district, you have to score in BOTH areas 95% percentile or above.

So she isn’t in.

That really isn’t that big of a deal…but my question is… I know she is not being challenged. I know that she is learning that giving half her effort is considered “above average” and acceptable. And I worry that I am not doing my job as a parent to help her to understand that if she always gives her best effort… she will get GREAT things. I’m worried that by letting her just be “average” that I am settling.

Should we put her in private?
Should we homeschool?
Should we explore other districts?
Should we look into skipping a grade?
Or should we just be happy with the way things are and teach our kids that some stupid school, with their stupid tests and stupid subjective grades are not what define who we are or what makes us successful?

Ok… she’s going to bed….

I got up this morning and did Safety Valet at school. This is where you direct parents to pull forward, not let their kid out of the car into oncoming traffic, and to stop at the crosswalk and now plow over kids. I felt a moment of joy this morning when the idiot father who has NEVER followed the directions actually followed them this morning. It only took what… 6 weeks? Anyway, it was a good start to the day.

I head back to school in an hour to volunteer in my son’s Kindergarten class. I’m volunteering in my 3rd grader’s class on Thursday. But there will be no volunteering in the first grade and this irritates me. It irritates me because there is a history. I think my email thread will explain it:

From: Kymberly
Sent: Monday, October 10, 2005 10:44 PM
To: Mrs. M
Subject: Volunteering

Hi,
Have you sent home the volunteering schedule? I might have missed it… Or perhaps I never even signed up if you did it during curric. night. Honestly, I can’t remember whos class I did what since every teacher does it differently Can you give me a heads up on how you work volunteering?
Thanks
–Kym

Her response:

From: Mrs. M
To: Kymberly
Sent: Tuesday, October 11, 2005 6:36 AM
Subject: RE: Volunteering

Hi, Kym. I did have the volunteer sign up sheets out on Curriculum Night and I do now have all the volunteers scheduled. Would you like to help the room parents plan the Halloween party? I am having a meeting here Thursday after school to talk about it. I hope you can make it. Thanks so much! Karen

My response:

From: Kymberly
To: Mrs. M
Sent: Tuesday, October 11, 2005 9:27 AM
Subject: Re: Volunteering

Thanks
–Kym

What I really wanted to say:

You know, I do not want to hear any complaints from teachers about parents not being involved. Perhaps parents wouldn’t be reluctant to be involved if you teachers didn’t make it seem like such we are impinging upon you to manage us! How ‘bout a little gratitude eh? Do you view us as more a hindrance then a help?

I have to speak on Thursday at the General Meeting in front of parents. I’m decent at public speaking but I always get nervous. And I worry about it before hand. A lot. So lucky you… you get to hear all the little noises going on in my head as I try to flesh out what I’m going to say and cut and paste in parts of my speech. This post isn’t the speech, just me journaling really. But I will use parts of it. The topic is “Why join the PTA?” or “Why volunteer in PTSA?”. And I think I’m going to speak to my own experience.

When I first starting volunteering, I did so because I felt it was expected. On some level, I felt that it would bring me closer to my child. I would be in their classroom and I could experience their milestones from afar. It almost helped lessen the dull ache of leaving them in the hands of another woman for 6.5 hours a day. I think most parents start out volunteering in the classroom. It’s direct and there is instant gratification. I still volunteer in all my kids classrooms because it feels good. But at first it is this desire to be part of their child’s classroom experience that hooks them into the whole volunteer experience. It hooked me. I was doing something. I was giving back. But at the time, I had no idea that I wasn’t serving the PTSA community. I didn’t realize there was a difference.

Somewhere along the way, I realized there was something bigger out there for me. There was a group of parents who like me, wanted something more. Parents who wanted to make their child’s school experience positive and rewarding as possible. I felt it pulling me and trust me I tried to resist. Gah. I was too busy. I had other commitments. I didn’t like parties and or events with a bunch of strangers. I even didn’t think I wanted to be in a “social” organization. I just didn’t want to put myself out there, ya know?

But there was no denying it. Deep seated inside me was a yearning to be a part of something bigger then what I am alone. I wanted to be part of a community. I wanted my children to be part of a community. I wanted to be known and my family to be known. In this world of mass-market everything, we want personalization and the feel good strokes that come from someone knowing you and your family. God do I dare say I wanted to be where everybody knows your name? I began to realize that the way for me build this in my life was to give back. To unite with other parents for a common purpose. The realization was almost spiritual for me. And the path to building those relationships has been rewarding beyond measure.

When I think about what I want from my children’s elementary school experience, my first thoughts of course, go to their education. I want them to get a great foundation in reading, writing, math, as well as the life skills to help them succeed later in life. But on a personal level, I also want something more then that. I want them to be part of a vibrant and supportive community. The type of community where parents are involved, where neighbors help neighbors, where everyone knows everyone and is looking out for each other. If some disaster struck, I want my kids to know who you are and I want to know your kids. I want us to be supportive of each other. The PTSA embraces all these goals.

But what is the PTSA exactly? I find it helpful to think of the PTSA as a coin with two sides. The first side is that the PTSA is a large lobbying and advocacy organization that fights for important stuff like smaller classroom sizes and important issues in Washington and Olympia. Your PTSA membership dollars mostly support this part of the organization. Then there is the second side where local PTSA right here at school. And what we do, is help enhance our children’s education by supporting the school programs in areas like safety calls, emergency preparedness, field trip transportation, etc. I know I was really surprised to learn that the PTSA actually completely funds things like Art in the classroom and Emergency Preparedness. Things I just “assumed” the district paid for!!

But more importantly then just “programs” I realized that the PTSA helps build community. There is something incredibly powerful that happens when you have a group of parents working together for the common goal of making our school a better place for our kids. I am here to inspire you to think about making an investment in our kids and considering giving back to your school community via the PTSA. I think many of us will be together for years and there is just so much to be gained not only for the school and for our kids, but the neighbors and friends we’ll be making for the long term, The investment we make now in getting to know each other, giving back to our school, and getting involved will payoff tenfold down the line!

Below is my letter to my PTSA board about creating an opportunity to teach our kids about “Giving Back”. Just thought I’d share it.

Hello!!!

One of the things I try to teach my kids, is that there is often the greatest opportunities in the worst of conflicts. I think this horrible Katrina disaster offers us as parents an incredible opportunity to teach our kids important lessons about caring for your neighbor, being a community, gratitude, giving back, and generosity. Not only do we want to covey to our children the facts and the feelings of sorrow for the victims… but we want them to feel a sense of responsibility to lift up of their neighbor and to help. I know I want my children to feel empowered and know that *they can make a difference*.

It would be pretty easy for us I think, to hold another Tsunami type evening and collect monetary donations. But I think that if we go a bit deeper, there is something we can do that is even more inspiring then writing checks. Getting our kids directly involved in the giving!

It’s hard for 5 and 8 year olds to wrap their head around a natural disaster, but they can begin to understand the consequences right? They can grasp what it must be like to be cooped up with no toys, no TV, and no treats - with no home. As my 7 year old daughter Dinara said to me “That would be like the worst punishment ever!” So I think the kids do get it and as a parent I want to encourage their immediate response to want to soothe their neighbor’s suffering. I want them at an early age to feel good about giving! I do think that giving money, although important to model for children… is a bit abstract for the younger elementary age kids. It’s not just about writing a check right? It’s about doing something and the good feeling that comes from that ! There is an opportunity to teach our kids about volunteerism and giving back that is incredibly powerful right now. It feels good to fill a need. It’s an opportunity I’d hate to have us pass us by. And although indirect and powerful, monetary contributions don’t hold the same warm and fuzzy feeling for children because the idea is too abstract. Hmmm… did that make sense? Not sure I am explaining myself too well.

I would like to propose that we collect shoe boxes and “kid care package” items and have an evening of making care packages with our kids. I propose that we’d start the evening with a talk about community and what that means. The kids can have stations where we decorate the boxes. We can have people bring in donations to fill the boxes. Perhaps do it by age… And have a community building evening of making care packages. Each child can make a care packages for another child. Care packages can include letters from the child (working on reading and writing), perhaps a picture of the child giving the gift, crayons, color books, jacks, balloons, travel games, school supplies etc…. things that could be played with in a shelter.

The idea though is that we would play this to our community as not only a way to help some of youngest victims, but also an opportunity to teach our children about giving back.

I see that this event would do several things:
1. Help victims of Katrina
2. Teach our kids about giving back (talk about an incredible ptsa enrichment program!)
3. Be community building for our school

I would gladly volunteer to chair this event. I’d like to find another parent or three to cochair. Parents who have “run this idea by” have been incredibly supportive and think it’s a wonderful idea. Things we would need to work out would be:

— Getting shipping donated. (or perhaps, we take donations from parents for shipping that evening and that is the monetary part as a last resort)
– Really “clarifying the message” for the kids about what we are doing and why.
– Working with a relief agency to find the right shelter for shipping it to and coordinating the timing, etc.
– Provide dinner that night?
– Storage of items and boxes?
– Perhaps get items donated from local stores?
– Get it written up in the Redmond Paper to get donations from outside the school.
– Get agreement on what should and shouldn’t go in the boxes with feedback from agencies.
– Partner with another PTSA or two and do this collaboratively?
– Nov? Tie this to “Thanksgiving” and what it means?

There are other things of course…but that is off the top of my head. I guess what I am looking for from the Board is whether you think this would be a good PTSA event… or if you would like me to pursue this outside the PTSA If you agree this is a good idea, I would like to propose talking about it at the next Thursday Working Meeting to figure out the best time on the calendar to do this. I guess I would put this under the heading of “Family Fun Night”.

Thanks,

–Kym

As I have worked on the PTSA stuff, I got quite stressed out. I was trying to please everyone… and everyone had input. It really reminded me of the stuff I used to have to deal with in my project management jobs. Like my old job, where I actually collected a paycheck. This first week packet project reminded me how much I really don’t miss work as much as I think I do. My memories are fonder then the reality. Funny how the mind works.

I am now more zen or I’m at least talking myself into that place regarding all the work on these packets. Tomorrow we show the Board of Directors all these new brochures and a pretty new folder we have created with beautiful descriptive inserts. All forms for the PTSA will have a envelope with a checklist. Side pockets will be labeled. Driveway instructions are not only spelled out, but also contain a visual map for our English as second language folks. We’ve tried to think of all the details. And I think the packets are really beautiful. It’s been a labor of love.

You just KNOW someone is bound to complain about something when they see these tomorrow. Mostly because everyone’s input didn’t necessarily make into the final pieces. ” I want everyone to be happy… and I want to please everyone but there is just no way that’s going to happen in this universe. Especially with one person in particular who can not just set “objectives” but must micromanage every little detail down to actual sentence structure. Dealing well with micromanagement isn’t a virtue I possess I’m sorry to say. And since this person has gotten on my last nerve lately, I’ll consider it successful if I can just hold my temper in check.

One nice thing about doing this project versus projects when I used to get paid is that I can always point to the fact that “I’m just a volunteer”. And.. Nope… don’t want to do that… “I’m a volunteer”. You don’t like this? Ok. You do it. I’m just a volunteer ya know. Want me to change that? Of course, I’ll try to get to it. But you know, I’m just a volunteer.

Hmmm. That could really work for me. I just need to focus on that.

Sorry there isn’t anything more exciting to write about in my life. There actually is stuff… I just don’t have the time to sit down and put it out there coherently with everything going on this week. I figure if I can post a blog post everyday, we’ll call that success.

Emma is getting teased at school for her weight. It’s happened all year, but it’s gotten worse lately or Emma can no longer hanlde it. I sent the email below to the principal, teacher and counselor at school….

If you are a parent of a “normal weight kid” please take time today to talk to your children about the power of words and how it’s not good to hurt people’s feelings just because you can. Actually educate your kids that there are many different body shapes and “normals”. Let your children know that it’s not ok to hurt someone’s feelings.

Mean kids suck.

Hi,

Warmly,
–Kym

Tonight I’m going to our school district’s meeting to talk about Nutrition. Seems that our district thinks that 5 year olds can portion and make their own nutritional choices. They don’t see anything wrong with the fact that a 5 year old might only choose to eat pizza everyday. They think a child understands portions I guess. So they don’t see the kids who only take a big handful of CHIPS and not take the chili because there is no one portioning the food. They don’t see a problem with the fact a 6 year old might consider “eating at the salad bar” taking all the M&M’s and Marshmallows out of the trailmix and calling that lunch.

So I’m going to advocate for my kids. I know I could send lunch everyday, but what about the parents who don’t? What is so hard about giving the kids only healthy choices? And why does an elementary school need to offer 14 different choices for lunch?

This is my third post today… aren’t you excited?

School called from Emma’s field trip. She cut her foot. Or something. They can’t figure out how since she was wearing socks and there is no cut the sock. Said was bleeding. Made it sound like a trip to the ER was in my future. I asked them if it stopped bleeding, yes. I asked them how big the cut was: ¼ inch. I asked how deep it was. 1 to 2 mm. But it is at the joint under one of her toes and “gaps” if you pull it.

Uh. So don’t pull it.

Teacher said Emma wasn’t upset or crying at all. This was my first clue that everything was fine. If the drama queen isn’t upset, then all is right with the world or soon will be. Emma doesn’t handle pain, crisis, or emotional discomfort well at all. And if something was really wrong, she’d be letting everyone at the Museum know about it.

So I go to the school. Take Noah with me. Figure out which neighbor can watch Dinara if I have to take Emma to Urgent Care. Wait for the field trip bus. Watch Emma hobble off. Laughing. She says she is fine. Take a look at the foot.

It’s nothing. Truthfully, looks a bit like bad Athletes Foot to me.

So that’s my drama today.

Actually I have a REAL drama post about my family I’ll post later tonight. It’s a posty day for me today what can I say?

My alarm clock plays a CD every morning to wake me up. Currently, it’s Annie Lennox, Bare, in case you were wondering. Anyway, today I slept through the first 4 songs. That never happens. Gee? Think I’m tired?

So this week, despite being sicker then a dog, has actually been quite busy. Well not really, but it feels busy when it’s all you can do to haul your tired big white butt out of bed in the morning, let alone actually function. One thing to do a day has been the limit. And life is busy just keeping track of all the “stuff”. Like remembering to pick the girls at 3pm. The big stuff is hard enough to keep track of… imagine what my mind does with the minutia. Noah has to take corn to make stone soup on Monday, Dinara needs to take her library book back, Emma needs to take her permission slip for a field trip, April 6th is freaking picture day at preschool. Yeah. That one didn’t make it on my calendar. Crap.

When I have things to do before 9:30 am, like grocery shopping, errands, breakfast with a friend, PTA meetings, etc… I get up earlier, get a shower, put makeup on and do my best to look presentable. When I don’t have anything pressing to do, or I am sick like I am now, I tend to throw on a pair of sweats, slap on my glasses, maybe wear a bra and if I’m feeling particularly dressy, slap my hair in a pony tail. I look quite the suburban housewife nursing a cup of coffee, no makeup and trying to get my kids off to school. But who cares? I never leave the comfort of my car.

Today, because of sleeping through the alarm we were off to a slow start and I was behind schedule. I wasn’t thinking details; I was thinking lets just hit the major milestones like getting to school on time. Noah sorta dressed himself. We couldn’t find the pants I folded last night so he grabbed his favorite comfy pants from Costco that attract lint and dog hair like you wouldn’t believe. But he loves them… so whatever. I noted right before the teacher came to get him out of the car that they were particularly covered in white dog hair this morning. Oh well. They are clean under all that dog hair.

Reality slams down on me when the perky teacher opens the car door and says in her most wow-could-you-not-dress-your-kid-up-for-picture-day-voice: “Oh Noah, you will look so cute for PICTURE DAY”. Shit. It’s freakin’ picture day today? How could I have forgotten? So we have this 1 minute talk, as she hauls my disheveled boy out of the car, about how I can not keep track of all the freaking things I have to keep track of for three kids. I talk about being sick and cold meds affecting my memory. She tells me how cute Noah is and not to worry about it.

Well you know what I did right?

I went home and got new clothes and hauled back there. Type A personality that I am.

And I changed him.

And made them do a retake because he had already had his picture taken by the time I got there.

Like a good mom.

And it’s amazing how confrontational I can be not wearing a bra.

But you know, at least now my kid will look cute in his $25 pictures.

And thus starts my day.

Hopefully, the comment problem is fixed. Please let me know if it’s still not working. It’s a frustrating problem because we can’t reproduce it. Yet we know it exists because several of you have tried posting and can’t!

Ok so on to other things.

I work really hard with my kids to teach them how to make the right choices. We all do right? But we are pragmatic about it. We don’t expect a 4 year old to be able to make the choice to cross the street by themselves. We don’t let a 6 year old choose which manners they want to follow and which ones they don’t. We don’t let a 7 year old make the choice about what time to go to bed at night. So… one wonders… what was the school district thinking when they gave kids free choice with school lunches? Did they think 8 year old were going to opt for the one healthy entrée over the barrage of junk food choices?

I am loathe to start any paragraph with the phrase “When I went to school” so I’ll use it as the second sentence instead. Ha! But when I went to school, there were limited choices and I think it was better that way. You had two entrees to choose from, two veggies, a couple side dishes and dessert. Milk was limited to white and chocolate.

Now my daughters are barraged with choice in the lunchroom. Everyday they can pick Pizza, Burgers, Hotdogs, Peanut Butter and Jelly, and then several other items that rotate. I’m thrilled they have choice… but why can’t they be only healthy choices? Hell at this point, I’d be happy with 95% healthy choices. At least I might have a smaller fighting chance. It seems that every choice is processed and none are too healthy. And… then there are the kids like my daughter who go through periods of time where they eat pizza every day for 14 days straight. No variety isn’t healthy! Am I the only one who thinks this way? Why arent’ there safeguards in place to prevent this? Does anyone else worry about this? Maybe I am over reacting? Cause understand, this is coming from a mom who obsesses about if their kids are getting enough different colored veggies and fruits in their diet.

I read this study once about how your brain determines what you like and what you don’t. The premise of it was that it’s our responsibility as parents to provide our kids with a “liberal arts nutritional education” by exposing our kids to lots of different types of foods. The article went on to talk about how after the 19th time a person eats a food, it becomes routed in the brain as “habit”. So they might not love it… but they will eat it and not despise it. After I read this article, I instituted a rule that you had to at least try one bite of everything on your plate. Every meal. If you didn’t like it, fine, didn’t have to eat it… but you always had to eat at least one bite. Lucky for my kids, my guilt doesn’t run deep enough to bring liver into this home… but I digress.

At the time, Dinara, who was 2 ½ when she came home from the orphanage, was not used to anything green. She flat out refused to eat any veggies except onions and tomatoes believe it or not. She was used to different foods and spices. And let’s be honest, at the orphanage, she was fed mostly carbohydrates. Some meat (horse!), and fruit and fresh vegetables were not a staple. So this rule played well for us.

Dinara went from eating NO veggies…flat out refusing to even pick up her spoon and put them in her mouth… to now eating almost every veggie. She will eat different kinds of beans, peppers, squashes, broccoli, etc. She’s still not a fan of cooked spinach… but will eat a salad with baby spinach and ask for seconds.

I do realize that I can send my kids to school with packed lunches and I will even save money in the process. We most likely will end up going that route. But I really do wonder who made these decisions. What kid…even the most nutritionally conscious, is going to opt the salad bar over pizza? And as a taxpayer, why am I paying for all this choice? They are kids. Give them two choices and they will eat one – or part of one. Maybe they will even learn to like something new. And think of all the money you are going to save getting rid of all this variety. You could apply it to say… teachers salaries!

All I’m asking is: if you must give a bazillion choices to Kindergarteners and First Graders… please only make them healthy choices. Not processed crap. My kids will eat healthy if there are not junk alternatives. It’s our responsibility as adults to see the long-term impacts of the choices we offer our kids.

Tonight I have to interview potential PTA board candidates. I’m trying to think of a politically correct ways to ask:

Are you all talk and no action?
Are you commitment phobic?
When you have a problem, can you communicate the issue without whining?
Do you answer your emails if people ask you a direct question?
Do you think everyone who doesn’t agree with you is against you?
Can you motivate people to do things for you with no incentives?
Do you use the words “thank you for helping” regularly?
Can you disagree with someone and smile at the same time?
Will you bring homemade cookies to the PTA meetings?

Yes. I take my job seriously folks.

Ahhh the first day of school. Today went off without a hitch. The girls bounded out of bed this morning and their energy level stayed high all day. They love school. I hope they can keep this enthusiasm through the years.

Morning started off all smiles with lots of hugs from Emma who enjoyed her role as “big girl on campus” getting to be big sister to Kindergartener Dinara.

My brave little girl was so excited to be starting Kindergarten. She did great. She was all smiles this afternoon with lots of details. Well… lots of details about how she got lunch all by herself in the lunch room.

Emma loves school. She was up at 6:45 this morning because she couldn’t wait to get there.

Noah isn’t going to start preschool till we get back from Disney. So he sat around this morning, playing with his Gameboy, eating a candy necklace, and sipping on the sport bottle. Pretty much all he’s done since he broke his leg. Mom lets him play lots of video games so… Life is good!

I started this as a post to a debate raging at the Zero Boss, written by Genuine and then decided to simply make it into a post on my site. So make sure you read the article and comments before you read this post!

Genuine I’m right there with ya. 42 kids in a class — unacceptable. It’s a sad state of affairs that education isn’t one of our top priorities. I’m personally more frustrated at the state & district level vs. the federal level. As the states seem to be ones (at least in FL and WA) where the money is being misappropriated. I want my teachers to be paid more and I want my class sizes smaller.

Ben I agree with your comments. My husband and I can afford to send our three kids to private school and we don’t mostly because we believe in being part of the solution. Not that I’m willing to take a complete hit at the expense of my kids to better the system… if my middle daughter needs more then public can offer, we will pull her out. But I have made a commitment to be involved and lend my voice to making things better. I feel PASSIONATELY about volunteering in my children’s education. I believe that parental involvement is *AS* important as teacher involvement. We are team.

I also am big on accountability. In our home, we teach responsibility. I am responsible as a parent in participating in my children’s education and my children are also responsible.

Many parents simply view school as a babysitter for 8 hours a day. And school doesn’t take the place of my responsibility to parent and teach. And I don’t view school as the place where my kids get 100% educated. That is my responsibility as well. I determine how much my kids are getting educated and then supplement where necessary. It is my job to expose them to many new things, teach them the skills to function in society and be independent beings with good morals and values. And if the academics aren’t up to my level of expectations, then it’s my responsibility to supplement that.

My kids understand that going to school and doing their best is their job. It’s expected in our house. We expect them to excel. We know they can. If they are having trouble, they understand (even in Elementary school) that they are responsible for at least communicating that there is a problem, and if possible communicating what the problem is and even what the possible solutions could be. My daughter Emma has had long discussions with us at the dinner table about social interactions at school, being bored and dealing with her emotions at school. She understands already, that she is responsible for being part of the CHANGE she wishes to see. And we are responsible for helping her understand the different paths and consequences for her choices in solving her problems.

As parents we are the ones (with input from our kids) who set the bar - not the school system, state or federal government. And I am responsible for being involved and making sure my kids have the adequate tools, skills and support to hit that bar. We might need to make changes on the path we use to hit that bar. But sending your kids to public school isn’t a get out of parenting free card.

Today I was at the dentist and the hygienist was doing the normal small talk. You know the routine. Do you work? How old are your kids? Wow you must be busy. Then we got to the summer questions. What did you do this summer? You must be so sad your kids are going back to school and the summer is over?

I swear to you that I didn’t burst out laughing after that statement.

There are basically two types of moms. Mom’s who are grief stricken by the abscence of their children’s daily presence as they head to the classroom and mom’s who are delirious with joy with the free time opportunities kids in school are going to provide.

I fall into the later camp.

In case you haven’t guessed.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my children and I miss them when they aren’t around. But I do not like to be around ANYONE 24 hours a day with no break - no matter how much I love them. Life is about balance. And although I aspire to be nurturing, loving mom - I still like time for me. To nourish my soul. To retreat and regroup. It makes me a better mom. I know it at least makes me a more patient mommy.

I just smiled at the hygienist as she recounted how she was so sad to see her children go off to school and how she laments not having them around to do fun things with during the day. And she continued with now that all her children are in school what will she do?

I kept quiet here. I did. I was grateful her fingers were in my mouth and I wasn’t really expected to answer this obviously rhetorical question.

I didn’t tell her that I think I’ll be doing cartwheels in the parking lot when I drop my kids back at school next Monday. That I have a mile long list of things I want to do without my kids. I won’t be sulking, I’ll be joyously smiling thinking of the glorious 3 hours I’ll have JUST FOR ME every Monday through Thursday. I have countless things on my list to with that time. Read. Scrapbook. Take a class. Join a book club. Work on my volunteering projects. Fundraise for my kid’s orphanages. Work on new marketing projects for our house. Be able to blog without guilt.

Yeah I know… I am not the granola-attachment-parenting-poster-mom. Somehow I’ll live with that. I admit that I am happy that my kids are going back to school. I just have found it easier to not tell everyone about how much I am looking forward to my sweet freedom.

I think I have found the key to defining academic success. It’s the ability to focus. Seriously, I am now convinced that “smarts” has less to do with success vs. the ability to focus. This is a bittersweet realization.

I am a parent that expects a lot of my kids. I tend to assume that all my kids can reach a goal regardless of age or issue. I always assume more at the “high end of the scale” versus dumbing things down to a point I know they can obtain the goal. But I have softened and mellowed in other ways. How each child obtains the goal is different. How long it takes them to obtain the goal is different. There are variables to goal obtaining. I don’t think they will all get from point A to point B in the same way. My job as a parent is to help them to learn to exploit their own unique skill sets. We focus on what we can do versus what we can’t.

Let’s talk about my middle daughter Dinara. She’s a charmer. Her personality is warm and nurturing. She is drawn to babies and injured people like a moth to a flame. She’s the type of kid who will crawl up in your lap, hold your face in her hands, look deep into your eyes and then make you laugh. She’s a smart kid with a deep survival instinct.

Dinara needs help with focusing. She is easily distracted. A butterfly, a TV show, an interesting face… any of these things can pull away from the task at hand. And I’ve realized that this is going to be a huge obstacle in school.

Today in gymnastics class I stayed and watched as this coach tried to round up kids. My kid was distracted. The coach didn’t stop and even try to get Dinara’s attention. She just went on with the other kids – the needs of the many out weighed the needs of the one. And I realized that I spend a lot of my time now, (not even realizing it) matching my style to what Dinara needs. Dinara starts Kindergarten in a month and I shudder to think what the experience is going to be like for her. Is it realistic to think that a teacher with 21 other charges is going to match her style to what my daughter needs? Probably not.

This scares the crap out of me. In my heart, I know that my daughter would probably do best being home schooled. I expect the same thing from my Dinara that I do my other two, but I recognize that the way she has to learn it and the time it takes to learn it is different. I recognize the variables. And I know that school classrooms are set up for mainstream children who have xyz-learning pattern… and if my kid has uvwx-learning pattern… they are expected to adapt.

Do I dare say it? I’m worried that Dinara wont be able to adapt? And therefore instead of them teaching her in the method that is best for her, they will simply lower their expectations.

I do not want to homeschool. I admire homeschooling moms immensely. I admit that it’s laziness. I worry I wont be disciplined enough. I worry that I won’t keep them up to grade level. I worry that I can’t provide a rich enough social environment. I worry that I don’t have the patience.

Maybe we can swing private school. Maybe I’m starting down this path too early and owning a problem that isn’t there yet. But I know that isn’t true because the problem was evident in preschool. Dinara is going to need a different kind of learning environment then public school can provide. The question is can she adapt and learn like the other kids? I am sure she can, the question will be if I can be happy with knowing she’s not working to her full potential because they are unable to adapt to HER style. If they adapted to her style, she could do more, reach further and hit the exact same milestones.

As I watched my little girl get lost in the group at gymnastics, staring at whatever was holding her fancy and everyone else going with the group — the sad realization of what going to public school hit me… she may not be successful there and we might have to explore other options.

I am a fan of the show Survivor. A very big fan. I think it’s really educated me in the ways of politics. It was while watching this show in Season 1 that I realized… it’s not how great you are, it’s not how well you do the work, it’s not about being “good”. Everything in corporate life is about not getting voted off the island. So much of climbing the ladder is about being liked. Doing the job well is secondary.

I know that sounds cynical. But it’s true for so much in today’s life.

I worked for a big company here in the Pacific NW that is known for hiring a top notch work force. When you have a bunch of stars in the workplace…what sets them apart? It’s their political skills. I started to learn it even before Survivor came on the air, but it was so hard to take. I didn’t want to be measured by how well I make friends and play the game. I wanted to be measured on my competency, my talent, my skills. I just couldn’t wrap my ego around the fact that people, who did their job worse then me, got further ahead because they played politics better.

I’ve blissfully gotten out this game for the last few years being home with my kids. I haven’t had to apply many of these corporate lessons to my life. I’ve been pretty stress free in that respect. But now I’m in the PTA. And let me just say… it’s like work, but worse. Because the people aren’t getting paid and you work with some people you would fire in real life.

To make a long story short, there’s a woman on the PTA who has her own agenda. She just wants to be left alone to do her thing. She tends to be more “exclusive” vs. inclusive. She’s catty and not someone you can trust. She has her only little clique and they do not like the idea of change. They want to do everything the same way it’s always been done.

Come to find out that she didn’t agree with a directive that she agreed to in a meeting. Days later, under short deadline, instead of dealing with “I’m changing my mind” she simply went to the principal (principal had nothing to do with it) and started bad mouthing the president. Not in a “direct” way, but in a way everyone around her is looking at her saying… “wow.. how childish”.

But, the thing about this woman is… she’s very social and she’s linked up with the other moms. She’s “working her alliances”. And it’s taking me back to what it was like when I was working. My sense of justice is screaming at me. Even though she’s wrong, dead wrong, she’s so dangerous because she knows how to work her relationships. The quest here is not for what is right… the quest is all about who isn’t going to get voted off the island. It’s like being in middle school again. Everything is a popularity contest.

It’s frustrating. But I am up for the challenge. If I have to play the popularity card, I can and will. I just wont like it too much. But I know that I can outwit, outsmart and outplay this woman. It will be my quest. Cause I love Survivor.

Today I had my end of the year conference with Dinara’s teachers. Dinara is in Early Intervention Preschool because she’s at risk of falling behind academically because she was in an orphanage till she was 2 ½.

It’s really sad to hear your kid can’t do things on target with other kids. One example of something “academic” is that my daughter can’t do rhymes. She just doesn’t get it. And Rhyming is a pre indicator on how well children will read in the future. They should be able, as an example, to see a picture of the word BAT and pick out other pictures that rhyme with bat. My daughter can’t do it consistently.

But this doesn’t mean she’s not smart. She really can compensate. For example, the cards have colored backgrounds. So like Bat has a yellow background, Mat has a yellow background, Cat has a yellow background. Snake and Cake have green backgrounds. She doesn’t get the whole rhyming thing, but she’s figured out she can compensate by looking for the cards with all the same background. So she’s SMART…she just can’t retrieve words the same way a “typical” child can.

One neuro- physicist says this is because she’s got a “gap” in her brain because she didn’t spend enough time creeping and crawling. Other experts think that some of this is English as a Second Language issues. Other experts think that this is simply a “delay” that she will catch up by the second grade.

The only thing we all agree on, is that it’s hard to quantify what the problem really is.

And what worries me, is that my kid has pretty good street smarts. So that in an academic classroom, a teacher is going to have be pretty smart to realize what she is really absorbing and what she is simply picking up via cues from other kids, the environment, etc.

Dinara is a charmer. She’s a nurturer. She’s what her teachers describe as “the most delightful child we’ve ever had”. Her charm really does carry her. But I do worry about academics. And I wonder what can I be doing now to make things easier for her in the future.

I am vice president elect of next year’s PTSA. In some insane moment of volunteeritis, I decided that I could make a difference. It happens to us control freaks a lot. We think if we have control, we can make things better.

I managed many people during my career in corporate America. I always got great reviews from people who worked for me. I was motivating. I didn’t micromanage. I had good ideas. I was supportive. I never got voted off the island. But there was a major difference: employees are motivated by staying employed and getting a pay check. Volunteers are in it for more altruistic type motives. Volunteers aren’t getting paid. Thus, I have now learned, volunteers are harder to motivate.

What do you do when a mom won’t answer your emails? When a mom wont answer her phone. When she won’t come to meetings and she doesn’t follow through. I’ll tell you what I want to say: You’re fired! I can even do the cute Trump hand gesture.

Managing volunteers is sort of like herding kittens.

Did I mention before I’m a dog person?

Several weeks ago, Emma (age 7, first grade) came home and complained about a boy who was pushing her down almost everyday at school. We believed this was unacceptable. We “empowered” our daughter and told her that we would NOT let this continue to happen to her but we wanted to give her the steps to try to solve the problem herself before we intervened.

So we told her to tell the playground assistants. They did nothing but tell the kid to stop. The next day when it happened, we told her to go to the SAME assistant and tell her that he was doing it again. Again.. not much happened to the kid other then a verbal reprimand. The third day same thing happened. But this time, Emma told the assistant that she wanted this kid to have another consequence. We had her explain to the assistant that her mom said that if nothing happened to the kid today, that she was to get a pass to the principals office and call me at home. Low and behold, the kid got dentention and the bullying stopped.

Today at breakfast we found out that there is another girl on the playground who is calling Emma “Fattie”. She says “Hi Fattie” to her everyday in front of all the other kids. My little sweetheart was in tears. Since I was a fat kid myself, this just especially breaks my heart and touches a very raw place inside me still. The mamma tiger in me just wants to go put this kid into orbit. But I am trying to be rational.

Here’s where I need some advice. What would you do in this situation? Would you call the school? Would you intervene? I think we have to take a multipronged approach. I spoke at length with Emma today about self esteem, and how this girl is just mean and she’s going to come across people in her life who are mean and not to give what she says any weight. That she needs to just ignore her and/or tell her to stop. But Emma isn’t eating and Im worried it might be going too far.

My husband says I should call the school. His valid point is that if she was a minority and the kid was calling her a racial slur, that the school would jump through HOOPS to make it stop. But that this is no different. It’s discriminatory. And I agree… BUT

I think it’s more important to focus on setting Emma up with the skills to deal with this kind of thing in the future. And we don’t want to teach her that every time someone calls her a name, that she can come home and mommy will go into the school and make it stop. Or do I? I think since she’s all of a sudden trying to “diet” that it really is effecting her and I should get involved…. But what exactly should I ask the school to do?

I’m confused. And how exactly would you help your kid to cope with this kind of stuff? Of all the things I have posted, this is the one I’d really like folks to leave their comments on. I am at a loss on the best way to handle this and the best way to empower my child going forward. So please leave me your comments!!