Extraordinary Mundane

Hopefully, the comment problem is fixed. Please let me know if it’s still not working. It’s a frustrating problem because we can’t reproduce it. Yet we know it exists because several of you have tried posting and can’t!

Ok so on to other things.

I work really hard with my kids to teach them how to make the right choices. We all do right? But we are pragmatic about it. We don’t expect a 4 year old to be able to make the choice to cross the street by themselves. We don’t let a 6 year old choose which manners they want to follow and which ones they don’t. We don’t let a 7 year old make the choice about what time to go to bed at night. So… one wonders… what was the school district thinking when they gave kids free choice with school lunches? Did they think 8 year old were going to opt for the one healthy entrée over the barrage of junk food choices?

I am loathe to start any paragraph with the phrase “When I went to school” so I’ll use it as the second sentence instead. Ha! But when I went to school, there were limited choices and I think it was better that way. You had two entrees to choose from, two veggies, a couple side dishes and dessert. Milk was limited to white and chocolate.

Now my daughters are barraged with choice in the lunchroom. Everyday they can pick Pizza, Burgers, Hotdogs, Peanut Butter and Jelly, and then several other items that rotate. I’m thrilled they have choice… but why can’t they be only healthy choices? Hell at this point, I’d be happy with 95% healthy choices. At least I might have a smaller fighting chance. It seems that every choice is processed and none are too healthy. And… then there are the kids like my daughter who go through periods of time where they eat pizza every day for 14 days straight. No variety isn’t healthy! Am I the only one who thinks this way? Why arent’ there safeguards in place to prevent this? Does anyone else worry about this? Maybe I am over reacting? Cause understand, this is coming from a mom who obsesses about if their kids are getting enough different colored veggies and fruits in their diet.

I read this study once about how your brain determines what you like and what you don’t. The premise of it was that it’s our responsibility as parents to provide our kids with a “liberal arts nutritional education” by exposing our kids to lots of different types of foods. The article went on to talk about how after the 19th time a person eats a food, it becomes routed in the brain as “habit”. So they might not love it… but they will eat it and not despise it. After I read this article, I instituted a rule that you had to at least try one bite of everything on your plate. Every meal. If you didn’t like it, fine, didn’t have to eat it… but you always had to eat at least one bite. Lucky for my kids, my guilt doesn’t run deep enough to bring liver into this home… but I digress.

At the time, Dinara, who was 2 ½ when she came home from the orphanage, was not used to anything green. She flat out refused to eat any veggies except onions and tomatoes believe it or not. She was used to different foods and spices. And let’s be honest, at the orphanage, she was fed mostly carbohydrates. Some meat (horse!), and fruit and fresh vegetables were not a staple. So this rule played well for us.

Dinara went from eating NO veggies…flat out refusing to even pick up her spoon and put them in her mouth… to now eating almost every veggie. She will eat different kinds of beans, peppers, squashes, broccoli, etc. She’s still not a fan of cooked spinach… but will eat a salad with baby spinach and ask for seconds.

I do realize that I can send my kids to school with packed lunches and I will even save money in the process. We most likely will end up going that route. But I really do wonder who made these decisions. What kid…even the most nutritionally conscious, is going to opt the salad bar over pizza? And as a taxpayer, why am I paying for all this choice? They are kids. Give them two choices and they will eat one – or part of one. Maybe they will even learn to like something new. And think of all the money you are going to save getting rid of all this variety. You could apply it to say… teachers salaries!

All I’m asking is: if you must give a bazillion choices to Kindergarteners and First Graders… please only make them healthy choices. Not processed crap. My kids will eat healthy if there are not junk alternatives. It’s our responsibility as adults to see the long-term impacts of the choices we offer our kids.

I started this as a post to a debate raging at the Zero Boss, written by Genuine and then decided to simply make it into a post on my site. So make sure you read the article and comments before you read this post!

Genuine I’m right there with ya. 42 kids in a class — unacceptable. It’s a sad state of affairs that education isn’t one of our top priorities. I’m personally more frustrated at the state & district level vs. the federal level. As the states seem to be ones (at least in FL and WA) where the money is being misappropriated. I want my teachers to be paid more and I want my class sizes smaller.

Ben I agree with your comments. My husband and I can afford to send our three kids to private school and we don’t mostly because we believe in being part of the solution. Not that I’m willing to take a complete hit at the expense of my kids to better the system… if my middle daughter needs more then public can offer, we will pull her out. But I have made a commitment to be involved and lend my voice to making things better. I feel PASSIONATELY about volunteering in my children’s education. I believe that parental involvement is *AS* important as teacher involvement. We are team.

I also am big on accountability. In our home, we teach responsibility. I am responsible as a parent in participating in my children’s education and my children are also responsible.

Many parents simply view school as a babysitter for 8 hours a day. And school doesn’t take the place of my responsibility to parent and teach. And I don’t view school as the place where my kids get 100% educated. That is my responsibility as well. I determine how much my kids are getting educated and then supplement where necessary. It is my job to expose them to many new things, teach them the skills to function in society and be independent beings with good morals and values. And if the academics aren’t up to my level of expectations, then it’s my responsibility to supplement that.

My kids understand that going to school and doing their best is their job. It’s expected in our house. We expect them to excel. We know they can. If they are having trouble, they understand (even in Elementary school) that they are responsible for at least communicating that there is a problem, and if possible communicating what the problem is and even what the possible solutions could be. My daughter Emma has had long discussions with us at the dinner table about social interactions at school, being bored and dealing with her emotions at school. She understands already, that she is responsible for being part of the CHANGE she wishes to see. And we are responsible for helping her understand the different paths and consequences for her choices in solving her problems.

As parents we are the ones (with input from our kids) who set the bar - not the school system, state or federal government. And I am responsible for being involved and making sure my kids have the adequate tools, skills and support to hit that bar. We might need to make changes on the path we use to hit that bar. But sending your kids to public school isn’t a get out of parenting free card.

I think I have found the key to defining academic success. It’s the ability to focus. Seriously, I am now convinced that “smarts” has less to do with success vs. the ability to focus. This is a bittersweet realization.

I am a parent that expects a lot of my kids. I tend to assume that all my kids can reach a goal regardless of age or issue. I always assume more at the “high end of the scale” versus dumbing things down to a point I know they can obtain the goal. But I have softened and mellowed in other ways. How each child obtains the goal is different. How long it takes them to obtain the goal is different. There are variables to goal obtaining. I don’t think they will all get from point A to point B in the same way. My job as a parent is to help them to learn to exploit their own unique skill sets. We focus on what we can do versus what we can’t.

Let’s talk about my middle daughter Dinara. She’s a charmer. Her personality is warm and nurturing. She is drawn to babies and injured people like a moth to a flame. She’s the type of kid who will crawl up in your lap, hold your face in her hands, look deep into your eyes and then make you laugh. She’s a smart kid with a deep survival instinct.

Dinara needs help with focusing. She is easily distracted. A butterfly, a TV show, an interesting face… any of these things can pull away from the task at hand. And I’ve realized that this is going to be a huge obstacle in school.

Today in gymnastics class I stayed and watched as this coach tried to round up kids. My kid was distracted. The coach didn’t stop and even try to get Dinara’s attention. She just went on with the other kids – the needs of the many out weighed the needs of the one. And I realized that I spend a lot of my time now, (not even realizing it) matching my style to what Dinara needs. Dinara starts Kindergarten in a month and I shudder to think what the experience is going to be like for her. Is it realistic to think that a teacher with 21 other charges is going to match her style to what my daughter needs? Probably not.

This scares the crap out of me. In my heart, I know that my daughter would probably do best being home schooled. I expect the same thing from my Dinara that I do my other two, but I recognize that the way she has to learn it and the time it takes to learn it is different. I recognize the variables. And I know that school classrooms are set up for mainstream children who have xyz-learning pattern… and if my kid has uvwx-learning pattern… they are expected to adapt.

Do I dare say it? I’m worried that Dinara wont be able to adapt? And therefore instead of them teaching her in the method that is best for her, they will simply lower their expectations.

I do not want to homeschool. I admire homeschooling moms immensely. I admit that it’s laziness. I worry I wont be disciplined enough. I worry that I won’t keep them up to grade level. I worry that I can’t provide a rich enough social environment. I worry that I don’t have the patience.

Maybe we can swing private school. Maybe I’m starting down this path too early and owning a problem that isn’t there yet. But I know that isn’t true because the problem was evident in preschool. Dinara is going to need a different kind of learning environment then public school can provide. The question is can she adapt and learn like the other kids? I am sure she can, the question will be if I can be happy with knowing she’s not working to her full potential because they are unable to adapt to HER style. If they adapted to her style, she could do more, reach further and hit the exact same milestones.

As I watched my little girl get lost in the group at gymnastics, staring at whatever was holding her fancy and everyone else going with the group — the sad realization of what going to public school hit me… she may not be successful there and we might have to explore other options.

Several weeks ago, Emma (age 7, first grade) came home and complained about a boy who was pushing her down almost everyday at school. We believed this was unacceptable. We “empowered” our daughter and told her that we would NOT let this continue to happen to her but we wanted to give her the steps to try to solve the problem herself before we intervened.

So we told her to tell the playground assistants. They did nothing but tell the kid to stop. The next day when it happened, we told her to go to the SAME assistant and tell her that he was doing it again. Again.. not much happened to the kid other then a verbal reprimand. The third day same thing happened. But this time, Emma told the assistant that she wanted this kid to have another consequence. We had her explain to the assistant that her mom said that if nothing happened to the kid today, that she was to get a pass to the principals office and call me at home. Low and behold, the kid got dentention and the bullying stopped.

Today at breakfast we found out that there is another girl on the playground who is calling Emma “Fattie”. She says “Hi Fattie” to her everyday in front of all the other kids. My little sweetheart was in tears. Since I was a fat kid myself, this just especially breaks my heart and touches a very raw place inside me still. The mamma tiger in me just wants to go put this kid into orbit. But I am trying to be rational.

Here’s where I need some advice. What would you do in this situation? Would you call the school? Would you intervene? I think we have to take a multipronged approach. I spoke at length with Emma today about self esteem, and how this girl is just mean and she’s going to come across people in her life who are mean and not to give what she says any weight. That she needs to just ignore her and/or tell her to stop. But Emma isn’t eating and Im worried it might be going too far.

My husband says I should call the school. His valid point is that if she was a minority and the kid was calling her a racial slur, that the school would jump through HOOPS to make it stop. But that this is no different. It’s discriminatory. And I agree… BUT

I think it’s more important to focus on setting Emma up with the skills to deal with this kind of thing in the future. And we don’t want to teach her that every time someone calls her a name, that she can come home and mommy will go into the school and make it stop. Or do I? I think since she’s all of a sudden trying to “diet” that it really is effecting her and I should get involved…. But what exactly should I ask the school to do?

I’m confused. And how exactly would you help your kid to cope with this kind of stuff? Of all the things I have posted, this is the one I’d really like folks to leave their comments on. I am at a loss on the best way to handle this and the best way to empower my child going forward. So please leave me your comments!!