Extraordinary Mundane

In Yoga, the teacher always talks about listening to your breath. Listening to your body. At the end of class when we are relaxing she tells you to recognize each lung and how they are moving. Are they moving together? Is your ribcage moving because of your lungs? Is your breath shallow or deep? Are you engaging your diaphram or not? Well of course my mind immediately jumps to what I think is the right way to do it. Better breathe deeper, longer exhales, etc. I want to be right and I want to achieve. There’s got to be a goal right? But she said tonight “observe — don’t change anything just observe it”. Don’t change anything. It was hard to not change my breath. With each thing she said… I felt like I needed to alter myself that what my body was doing was wrong. Not changing things requires presense for me. I have to realize that not only in yoga, but in my life — there can be goodness without change. How I am doing it is just fine. There is no need to alter course on EVERYTHING. And it hit me. I never observe anything. I always immediately to try to go what is expected of me or what I think is right…and then adjust. What does that person want? What would make them more comfortable? What will get me to my goal faster.

What would life be like if I observed first? I dont think observation is always needed to make the right choice — but in the process of confidence and security — it confirms trust. It’s almost a type of surrender for someone who always is in control isn’t it? I would have to believe that everything will be ok if I dont take control. I must believe everything will be ok if I don’t micromanage things. What kind of space would that create? What kind of peace would there be? As I observed my breath I realized that it’s not really doing anything wrong…. it’s just happening. My body knows what is right. Yes I can control it… and sometimes that control will bring me what I need faster. But sometimes… it’s ok to just let it happen. Just observe.

Exercise has amazed me over the past two years with the emotional, mind and body connection. Now I feel like Im finally getting the spiritual connection.

Ekhart Tolle talks about how many people define who they are by the roles they play. Mother, sister, friend, lover, computer analyst, retired person, fat girl, sickly, volunteer, athlete. But it’s not what you do that really defines you but rather who you are. Roles are simply something that defines the Ego. They are ego centric. It has no bearing on the formless “being”.

I want to remove the “human” part of being. Get it? Human Being? If I can get myself to just focus on the being… totally present with no roles.

Makes my palms sweat to think about it.

Hello. My name is Kym and I admit I am a doer. I love to do things and I do tend to define myself by the roles that I play and what I accomplish. I believe that Motherhood is one of the biggest definitions for me. I use that role as a priority setter by which I measure many of the other things I do.

Ekhart says:

You become most powerful in whatever you do if the action is performed for its own sake rather than as a means to protect, enhance, or conform to your role identity…. When you don’t play roles, it means there is no self (ego) in what you do. There is no secondary agenda: protection or strengthening of yourself.

I see myself doing this a lot. I totally define myself by what I do and I worry about how others are judging me for it. I am trying to strengthen myself by doing what I believe is important. I had a big discussion in my mommy group about the amount of stuff on my plate. People see me as high energy and an over achiever – but I don’t see myself that way. I see myself that I am doing pretty much what everyone else is doing (or less!). I just verbalize it in a very task orientated way. Honestly, peel a lot back and insecurity does drive many of my decisions.

Someone said to me… why not just be a volunteer instead of being on the PTA board? Why not just exercise instead of doing the Tri? Those are good questions I think. Why must I associate a goal with everything? Is this the way that I define myself? I currently do not feel good with the amount of things on my plate. I feel like I have to hit a bar. And not hitting the bar creates suffering.

I think the question for me is am I defining myself or am I worried that others are going to define me if I don’t do it myself? Meaning: I do all these things because I’m worried if I don’t have a slate of accomplishments I won’t be worthy. I think all this comes from the place that I don’t feel like I’m “enough”. I can probably draw a straight line about this all the way back to my child hood. And it probably explains my need for validation. I don’t need a lot of validation, but in the vacuum of relationships — if there is a long expanse of time with no recognition, validation, appreciation or communication — I tend to create my own reality. They hate me. They hate my work. They think I suck. They don’t care about me. I’m a loser. And the dark recesses of my mind can create some pretty creative scenarios.

So I am going to work on giving up defining myself both to myself and to others. I am going to give up this line of thinking because I believe that it’s based on the thought that “I am not enough”. When I talk about what I have even done on this blog… why? Why do that?

I’m trying to figure out right now what is ego and what is really me. The me without form. I want to reduce what I see as self-induced suffering. I have the power to change it.

Dinner tonight: Chicken Stir Fry (it was very unexciting - I think Im going to eat some chocolate to compensate)

Listening to:
I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing’s broken
No need to worry ’bout everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one…

As a parent, when your child is in the preteen years, what is it you should be focusing on to get them ready for independence and the future? What relationship building blocks need to be in place to make the teen years less rocky and more of a partnership?

I am reading that book by Eckhert Tolle and it’s really influencing how I am thinking about parenting. He says that what our children really long from us as parents is not to have a relationship built around the role as a parent, but rather they long to have a relationship with our authentic self. When the parenting role falls away as they get older… you really need to have something more authentic and built on mutual respect in order for the relationship to continue to grow and also get them to respect you.

So, I think the most important part of this is to really talk to my children and let them know that I am trying to connect with them not just as a parent, but also as a human being. That I long to spend time with them and I want to be with them and learn from them. I need to recognize them as individuals and not just lump them into the category of “my children”. I need for them to understand the spiritual priority I have in getting to know their souls and how important that is to me… and that it is just as important to me as directing them in their roles as “children”. That I love them past the “role” they play as children… but I love them as human beings more deeply then the roles we play.

The book is having a very profound effect on helping redefine my values to a more spiritual focus. I’m going to continue to do some posts about what I get from the book.

Tonight’s dinner: Chicken breasts stuffed with Feta, Spinach and Sundried Tomato with Rice Pilaf and mixed veggies on the side.

Exercise: I did a half hour of strength training with my friend who’s sort of acting as my personal trainer today. I’m going to hurt. I already hurt. My hip is sore, but I think that is because of the warm up on the elliptical which was probably stupid on my part. Break out the anti-inflammatory drugs friends!

Happy Moment: Mom has hired a personal trainer.

Meditation: I meditated for 20 minutes early this morning and kept my thoughts quiet. I’m very proud.

The thing that is sucking the most energy from me right now: My brutal schedule. I need to make changes. I need more free time to feel balanced.