Extraordinary Mundane

Does anyone really sleep before these races on even a GOOD day? I awoke this morning at 2:30 am, and then at 3am and then at 3:15 to thunder and lighting. My heart sank. What kind of bad race juju was this?

I was picked up my dear friend who drove me to the race with several of our friends. Everything is a blur in my mind. I think I was sort of in a state of shock.

We got there at 5:45 and a front started to move in. I could see the orange of the sunrise in the haze against the rolling black clouds as the wind whipped my hair. I looked out across the Lake and saw whitecaps and lightening.

Gulp.

All these little things were playing games with my head. All these little what ifs started rolling around in there. These were just more unplanned contingencies that I needed to have a plan for in the next hour.

I set up my transition area and headed to the water. I watched the Elites take off and with the sound of their count down; my anxiety ramped up to about 10. The race had started. My stomach started churning. I ran for the port a potty. There was a line. This was not good! Luckily I made it just in time. I was worried that the spasms would continue… but I was hopeful my body emptied out. I was an emotional wreck.

I got confused on the time and got pushed into the wrong wave (they had light blue caps too!)… and the officials corrected me. What happened was that the race was delayed because they were still waiting for I90 to be closed - so this other light blue wave was starting at my time — but my wave was later. Who knew? Honestly, they could put me in a line for a shuttle to the moon and I don’t think I would have known. I was like a zombie on a conveyor belt. I don’t think my feet were even working.

Finally it was my turn. We were herded into a chute that got narrower and narrower. My friend thinks it is much like holocaust victims were herded waiting for the gas chamber. Then Sally Edwards gives a rousing little speech. Our word was sexy and I thought that was a stupid word. I wanted something more inspirational then that. I chastised myself the first of many times that morning for having a grumpy attitude. I spent the time dunking in the water. The heat wave we have had for days really helped the water temp! Yay! I was middle of the pack. I put my goggles on and waited for the start. I was ready. I heard the count down. I gulped. And we were off.

I waded into my waist, dove in and then started stroking. It was sort of like being in a blender. Arms, hands, and feet everywhere. I cursed the people doing the breast stroke with those wide frog kicks. Damn them. Halfway to the first buoy it hit me… I am doing a Triathlon! Eeeek! Panic hit me in a big wave and just washed over me. As it crested and broke — I felt breathy… nervous and had a moment where I stopped swimming. Can I breathe? I’m not sure. I slowed myself down… breast stroked…and then went back to free style. I focused on my form and as I took my breath looking up at my elbow and the sky – I saw a break in the clouds with blue sky behind the grey. And somehow that comforted me. I will be ok. There will be blue skies again. Keep swimming.

The distance between the 1st buoy and 2nd buoy felt like a freaking mile. But I stayed in a straight line and did very well sighting. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I was like Dory from Nemo in my head. Stretch your arms, keep your head down, long strokes. Good Lord where is that ****ing buoy? I can’t see it. I pass two swim angels. There is a lifeguard on my right. And I pass a girl on her back crying doing the backstroke. The angels are helping her. I tell her she looks good and she can do it. She mumbled something – but was really too upset and inconsolable at that point to respond well. I wish her luck and push onward. Halfway though… I got these Charlie horse leg cramps… mostly in my calf but also in the arch of my foot. I assume it was from the diarrhea earlier. I shook it out… keep feeling twinges when I pointed my toes. And I just pushed through it. But I worried continually the rest of the morning at every turn that I was going to cramp up.

Around the second buoy to the shore was really crowded. Being a midpack person in the swim is not really a good thing. You stay with the pack and it never really “opens up”. I got hit in the head, kicked and pushed. But overall… I’d go through that swim three times instead of having to do the run

Out of the water and up the hill towards the transition area. I saw my family. Kissed each of my kids as they cheered me on. Im really grateful my kids were there. Kept a slow jog up to the back 40 where my bike was set up.. I could feel the calf spasms again and took it to a walk. Honestly - I don’t think my bike could have been farther from the swim. I didn’t push to be very fast in transition. My friend was there each time to chat with me. It was great to have someone calm and stable there because I wasn’t thinking clearly at all. I used it as a time to catch my breath a bit. I ate two bites of a banana in hopes of stopping the cramps… that proved to not be too smart. It made me feel very very nauseated.

On my bike… I did really well the first two miles. Then I sort of realized I was really tired already. I assume what happened is that I just didn’t realize how much the anxiety was going to sap from me energy wise. Maybe I was dehydrated from being out in the sun the day before and then having diarrhea. I don’t know. Assuming I needed a “pep up” and recognizing I was uncomfy – I reached for some food to try to make it better. I put one of those Sport Beans into my mouth and realized I felt so nauseated I had to spit it out. I couldn’t drink my Gatorade either. The sugar taste just made my stomach churn. I knew I was not in a good place.

Got to a very steep single file hill that 50% of the people walk up. Its very very short… but very very steep and very dangerous. If you ride up it (I think I could) and someone stops in front of you and you are clipped in.. There is no way to around them. The risk of toppling over is high. Most bike accidents happen here. So I just walked it up. If it had been less congested when I got there — I might have tried it….

Got on the bridge and flew down hill. Then hit the uphill. The uphill was harder than I expected. I was in my lowest gear by the top just spinning. Went into the tunnel which was more uphill. Then a very slight downhill and more slight gradual uphill for about 2 miles. I thought those two miles would never end. This was the hardest part of the bike for me. Those were the two miles I was cursing the bike ride and racing in general.

Got to the turn around and saw I was making fairly good time considering the ride out is uphill. So I really poured it on going downhill. This is where all my weight is a good thing! God… it was so much fun. Everything thinks downhill would be easy and it is.. but it’s a little scary. I have myself clocked at one point at 30mph!

I went into the tunnel and when I went in it was cloudy. Several minutes later I came out of the tunnel and the sun was shining BRIGHTLY. Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! I started to get teary there to be honest. I prayed to God… “please please please bring the clouds back! Do not make me have to run in this direct sunlight”. I could feel the humidity climbing. I could feel the sun. All these thoughts freaked me out more about that impending run.

I paused for a moment on the bridge while coasting downhill to mentally to feel good about what I am doing. I thought to myself … you are more than half over and you are a tri-athlete. And my mind answered: Savor the experience girlfriend because you won’t be doing this again. lol

Up the hill. I get to the top after a nice chat with a lady next to me who like me was curing the headwind blowing against us up the hill. When did that come up? And we see a HUGE HUGE backup onto the Steep Hill. They are making EVERYONE walk their bikes down. I spent at least 3 minutes in that walk. The lady in front of me fell over waiting in line and was bleeding. The “young tri athletes” behind me were irritated she wasn’t going down the hill faster. I was tired and hot and after the 3rd time of them loudly complaining – I turned around and said “The lady in front of me is bleeding and was in a crash… can you chill out?” They shut up.

Towards the bottom of the steep hill at almost the bottom I got on my bike. But at the same time my clippy shoes which are metal on the bottom slipped. I was holding onto the brakes and I hit the front brake as my body skidded forward. The weight of my body and the brake action caused my back tire to flip forward. I caught myself…but lost my bottle as it skidded away and it’s amazing I didn’t land on my head. I was so ready to be done with this race.

Did the last three miles at a nice clip around only 15 mph. I was already focused on the run. I felt tired. I felt nauseated. I knew I wasn’t hydrated. The sun was out. And I was freaking out. Because of the almost falling… I was feeling poorly. That and I was tired.

Did I mention I was tired?

If there was any way to have gotten out of that stupid run… I would have. I mentally checked out of that thing many weeks ago. I realize now that I should have trained my mind better to deal with the hell called the run. I have focused more on the bike and the swim… having the epiphany several months ago that I was never going to be a runner. I just .. no matter how much effort — seem to be able to make headway. And I made peace with the fact that I am ok with being a crap runner.

So… I get through the transition area…see my wonderful kids cheering me on and push through the brick legs. They weren’t as bad as I expected. Probably because I was so leisurely in the transition area.

I heard in my head “run kym run” from Forest Gump. It’s amazing the movie references that went through my head.

Then, as I weaved around a woman… my foot hit weird. It was the foot I broke last year and I felt a stab of pain. That was it. I was mentally un able to negotiate one more thing. The woman I was weaving around was walking and I joined her with a slow limp. This little thing brought me down. And honestly – it didn’t take much. I think on any other day – I would have pushed through it. I knew it wasn’t’ a fracture — but some sort of strain or inflammation. A normal day I would have pushed through. But I didn’t today. I started walking.

I walked almost the whole way. I did a couple jogging stints… but in truth… the whole first two miles were mostly me stewing about giving up the run. About at mile 1.5 into the run/walk – I was finally able to start swallowing some water. That helped me to feel a little better.

I ran to the hill and ran about 1/3 up it and then realized that the hill was making my foot hurt more. So I walked to the top. I then jogged from the soft hill into the chute.

I was grateful for the people cheering on the side of the road. I think I looked pretty beat and their “you go girl!” were very helpful to motivate me. Everything in my mind and body was telling me to stop. My foot really was hurting at this point… but I knew that I was at the end.

Each foot fall was “you can do it. just a little further. just a little longer. suck up the pain”.

And then…

Thank. You. God. The. End. Of. This. Race.

I saw my husband and kids… and then my friend. She ran into the chute with me. She had already gone through the finish line. When she hugged me… I started crying. I hate being emotional but I pretty much sobbed the last 100 feet. I was wearing sunglasses so hopefully I won’t be a mess in the pictures. Honestly… I don’t care. All I cared about was it was over. All that anxiety finally released. I was so glad it was over.

Through the exhaustion and disappointment of having to walk.. it’s hard to not focus on the negative things… the things I would do differently if I were ever insane enough to try this again. The hard part for me is knowing I worked really hard and there have been many days I have worked out for 150 minutes or run 4 miles without stopping. But today was not one of those days. My level of effort – and I trained so hard – gave me mediocre results. And dealing with that disappointment is just part of being an athlete that competes in any kind of sport. There are good days and there are bad days. I did the best I could. I know I did my best for today.

I am glad I did it. It was an incredible experience. It pushed me outside my comfort zone. Now that I have visited outside my comfort zone.. I feel quite certain at this point that I will not visit that same place again. For me it really is not the fact that I did this two hour race today. The real miracle is all that training and the commitment I have made to my good health. That is what I feel REALLY good about.

I did it. I am forty years old and did a triathlon.

Swim: 1/2 mile at 21:24
Bike: 12 miles at 48 mins (14.9mph avg)
Run: 3.1 miles at 49:44 at a 16:02 pace
2 years of sticking with training and being committed: Priceless!

Im smiling below because Im thinking “Im at the finish! Yay! It’s over!”

I think I am stressed out more than I am letting on about the impending Tri. If you asked me, I think I would tell you that I feel fine about it. But you know when people use words and then their actions don’t back things up? I’m there.

All the yellow flag indicators are that I feel anxiety about something. I sat in front of a veggie tray and some chips last night at a party and did not stop eating the whole time. Mindlessness eating. Soothing. I don’t do that much anymore — but I was aware of myself doing it last night. I did not sleep well at all last night. I want to purge my kids closets “today” and make a list of what I need to buy for school clothes. I want to be highly efficient with my work and feel like I need to have things there to “cross off the list “ so I can feel like I’m accomplishing something.

I am deep in thought about exactly what it is I feel anxious about though. It is really related to the results I expect from this race. I am anxious about expectations.

I was going to do an iron-on to my shirt for the Tri that said “I was slower when I was 360 lbs”. Gives me the perfect out yes? Define my race by my previous achievement that everyone thinks is great – instead of being defined by my less than average race times. I feel this need to inform others about why I am not where I think I should be or where I think they expect I should be after all this training. Why I am going to be below average at this race. And more importantly - why that is ok.

And it hit me in that moment. This race is reliving my fatness all over again. Striving so hard — but not having the physical outcome that others do or expect. Effort does not equal result and no one understands. Gosh… when I was fat I would work SO HARD – and so much harder than anyone else to achieve weight loss. But never was able to quite get there. Effort did not equal results. So I seek to add context for people. Be worthy in some other way. Because what they expect is not going to be reality. Don’t set your expectations by my effort for God sakes. And I want them to know that my effort has been above average — but like being thin: No matter how much effort I put in - I will not achieve what you all expect. Unlike every other area of my life: my athletic effort is going to bring sub par results.

I’ve downplayed my level of training to people because I now realize I was trying to lower their expectations.

I have spent the major part of my life being at war with my body. I’ve never met my own expectations there. I have never felt beautiful because I am not what society deems thin or normal. Even still. I’m too tall and still 30 lbs too heavy. My body has not served me in the way I would have expected it - ever. No amount of heurculean effort has given me even average result. Even when I exert incredible above average control over it - by nourishing it with healthy food, practicing presence and moderation, exercising it and making it strong, not starving it or over feeding it — It still is not the visible form I have convinced myself is the ideal. When it comes to my body – effort has not equaled the result. Ever.

So here I am again. My training efforts are not going to equal the result. My life keeps handing me this lesson over and over again. So I obviously haven’t gotten what I am supposed to get from it yet. My result is not going to equal my effort…. What lesson am I supposed to learn from that?

Better to do something imperfectly, then to do nothing flawlessly.
Robert Schueller

I am tired today and am not training. They call this a rest day. I feel like I need a rest week. I am going to take a few days off. I’ve been going at it pretty hard lately and I am just wiped out. I am actually wanting to get out there but I have all the signs of overtraining. And I do not want to get injured.

Mentally, I am struggling a bit. I feel slow and inadequate for the level of training I have put in. I think I am starting to talk myself out of this funk, but it’s been difficult. I just really wish I could do this whole stupid race alone. I hate the visability of it. I having to be social girl on top of the strain of having to exert myself and do all the mental aerobics that go with it. A very good friend of mine wanted to come and watch me. My yoga teacher mentioned coming. I just am like “uh… really… I know you think this is something a normal person would want you to share but honestly … in my family we just let people quietly triumph and then tell everyone about it. No one actually participates. Please. Stay home. Say a prayer for me. That will be enough.” If I humiliate myself by having to crawl across the finish line, I’d rather no one is there to see it. Thanks.

I wrote this last night but never got back to it…

I am afraid. Fear is not something that usually drives me. And when it does… I’m usually far enough ahead of the curve that I am able to come up with a plan to deal with whatever I am afraid of… but this time there are two things I am really afraid of and there is real no plan to deal with them. I just need to muscle through it. And I don’t want to do that. I want to just opt out. But how does one opt out of visibility and the economy?

I have no doubts about being able to do this stupid triathlon. I know I have enough endurance to finish it under a conservative two and half hours – and probably significantly less. (significant is measured in minutes and seconds btw. Ha!) But my crap score and time are going to be posted on the internet forever. Danskin has Tri scores posted from back in the 1990’s fer cryin’ out loud. Who needs to SEE that? So… I am not worried about the Tri per se… but I am worried about the fact that for eternity my scores are going to be posted on the internet. A nice big “hey… look how slow fatso went” forever and ever. A shining testament to me not doing something WELL.

And when I think about this… that is what is so frustrating about doing a Tri for me. It’s not like I am comparing myself to the legions of people who never get their big arses off the couch. I’m comparing myself to the people who do Tris. A small tiny little subset group of people who are weird enough to subject their bodies to aerobic and anaerobic endurance for several hours. To push themselves “just for the fun of it”. What’s wrong with this picture? Do I think less of the pianist who doesn’t have the “gift of piano playing” and just plays adequately? No. I admire the fact they CAN play. Why can’t I do that with sports?

So this is my real mental challenge with this race. To not opt out. To not say… Ok… I can’t do it to the level I think I should be able to do it. And there is not a variable of time here. I know I can be BETTER – but I just can’t be better this year. (perhaps in this lifetime) I’m not sure I can be better than half the other women in my age group so I am just going to choose to not do it. No… I am going to opt out even though that feels like the safer avenue. Even though I am afraid. Even though I feel judged. Even though I feel like everyone will be looking at me saying … “Good Lord…she’s been working out for weeks and that is the best time she could put in?”

Then I am afraid about the economy. I think it’s going to get very bad folks. I think the crisis we are facing right now is probably going to be the defining crisis of our lifetime. I think it’s going to realign how US citizens live their lives. There is going to be a big “come to Jesus” moment when folks realize that they can’t continue to finance themselves like our government does by spend spend spend and going into debt.

It’s the perfect storm out there. Dollar is falling. So international investors are bailing. Banks are failing. Big banks even like WaMu and WellsFargo don’t have near enough deposits to cover folks when fear drives people to make withdrawals. The government has said they aren’t going to bail out any more people. There had to be police officers with freaking guns for people who lined up at IndyBank to get their money! Huge corporations can no longer secure credit. Paramount and General Motors are examples of two big companies that have had credit pulled. We are going to see not only more foreclosures – and a continuation of the trickledown effect on those of us who hold real estate — but also we are going to see personal credit start to dry up. You’ll home equity loan lines of credit reduced or eliminated, personal credit cards recalled, an increase in bankruptcies. And the fed is between a rock and a hard place. They can’t raise rates… and they can’t lower them. So they are stuck just waiting it out. Which actually isn’t that bad a thing if the government would just let us take all the pain at once versus drawing it out over a period of YEARS. I am so not a believer of slow amputation.

There is nowhere to hide in the market either . Other currencies are falling. There is global inflation everywhere. (Thank you China!) Gold is probably the safest bet … followed by Silver and agriculture. But none of those are a value play right now. They have run up and it feels risky to dive in now.

What’s a girl to do? Sitting in cash is so painful when you know inflation is running wild.

Did you know that if you computed inflation like they computed it back in the 70’s our inflation rate would be around 12%? Doesn’t that sound like a more realistic number then the 6% they are throwing around?

Hell… just the cost of gas covers that.

So … Im feeling doom and gloom.

Tonight I am going for my first open water swim this season. The water here is really frickin’ cold. So I guess I am afraid of that too. So maybe fear is ruling me more then I realize. Or maybe I’m just a big baby.

Update: Went for the swim last night and it was fine. Had “first swim” anxiety big time… dreamed about it last night. But I did the half mile in open water with waves in 27 mins. Im ok with that for the first time out.

Oh and did I mention I rear ended someone the other day? What I should really be afraid of is how distracted I am when I am faced with unprocessed fear .

Life is going very well right now. I am happy and healthy and my life is in balance. We are getting ready to head to the beach for a long weekend. I am looking forward to some reconnecting time with my husband and spending time together with my kids. I have to say – I do so enjoy traveling with my family. I love the moments we create when we are on vacation. I am really looking forward to this little road trip.

We should be back on Sunday. Emma leaves Sunday night to go her first ever week of overnight camp. She’s excited. And the other two are heading to Day Camp next week.

This past weekend was great. We spent lots of time with good friends, we worked on our patio, we went and saw a movie and ate at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. It was by and large – a fantastic weekend. A big personal highlight of the weekend was that I did an 11 mile bike and then a 3 mile run. Oh sure… the run took me over 45 mins…. But I was really proud of the fact that I am anemic and was able to do it without taking any walking breaks and after my bike ride. I was really, really, really tired afterward… but my pride sustained me. And I find that I am not suffering the same delayed muscle pain that I battled last year.

Last night I had a great Yoga class. Breathing in Joy and exhaling Peace. It was a particularly challenging class — I think because I was so tight from my Saturday Bike/Run Brick…. But it felt so good. I worked up a great sweat and was really present. I was able to do more ab excercises and Sun Flow things. It was very rewarding to be able to move through things faster and with better form. But one of the real benefits and improvements I see in my Yoga practice – is that I am now able to be more appreciative of my body and what it can do for me instead of beating myself up for what it can’t. I am highly aware that I am now able to enjoy the journey from where I am at – to where I am going. Instead of beating myself into submission for not being where I think I should be. I realize – that I have a gift. I am tenacious and committed. I think I have always discounted the true value of my commitment to exercise and my athletic lifestyle. I didn’t feel like I was ever good enough to be called athletic. But it’s more about commitment then talent isn’t it? I have never really embraced and honored myself for what I have accomplished in the past 5 years. Very slowly – but surely – I have transformed myself. Not with talent or raw power – but with spirit and commitment. My commitment – slow, sure and steady is what has gotten me to where I am now.

Life is going well. I’m loving my summer. I’m pushing myself to do training and I’m starting to see a bit of improvement. I can at least tell I’m faster then I was last year in everything but running. My endurance still isn’t there though. But I figure with the untreated anemia — my results aren’t that bad. The anemia at least makes me not feel guilty about my naps :).

Here’s the training in a nutshell for the last few days.

6/28 14 mile bike - tried to stay above 15 mph… but no luck. Avg came in at 14.6

6/29 Rest day. But I did haul rock and work on my patio and do yoga at home. So the word “rest” is sort of a misnomer.

6/30 3 mile total run – 2 mile no stopping with hills.

7/1 Rest

Yesterday: Worked hard at my Yoga Class (I’m getting more upper body strength!) and 1/2 mile Swim Did two 200 meter intervals. The last interval I did at 4:13.

Today: Bike. 7 miles total. 3 mile time test. Came in at 11:11. Not great but good for me. And I averaged 15 mph! Whoot!

Tomorrow: Rest

Saturday: Run/Bike Brick. Im thinking it will be a 10 mile bike and a 2 mile run. Can I do it? Im not sure.

The cumulative effects of training are catching up with me. I’m really tired. I’m trying to push through to our vacation on Thursday. I figure i’ll get a few days of rest then!

Im not racing. At all.

Last night, my foot became very bruised and is now a different color then my other foot. The pain brought tears to my eyes many times. I couldn’t stand on it let alone walk on it last night. I am now on crutches.

I am very depressed today. Hubby is now trying to find a wheelchair we can rent so I can attend the race. There is no way I could stand around.

I am going to the race to cheer on my friends but its taking every ounce of energy I can muster to do so. When Im in pain (emotional and physical) I just want to be alone… to wallow in my own self pity. I dont want to be a spectator. I dont feel cheery. I feel a sense of loss because I want to be a participant! It’s going to be torture to watch. But I need to access the vein of good sportsmanship i know runs through me and be there for people i care about. Dear God, please dont let me be a blubbering idiot.

On the bright side…..

Oh wait. There is no bright side.

For the past 48 hours I have had pain in my foot. I wrenched it when I was working in the back yard. Last night the pain was bad, and of course with my race coming up, I am a nervous wreck. At 5am I’m laying in bed thinking “Should I get this looked at?” Part of me just didn’t want to hear what they had to say. The other part of me hoped for something that could be fixed with a steroid shot or something.

Long story short… I spent my morning in the ER. I have a stress fracture to the sesmoid bone. (bone under the ball of the foot). I’ve been tapering so the irony that I would have this injury during my rest time is not lost on me.

When the doctor told me, I started sobbing. I know this isn’t life or death, cancer, family member dying… but I have worked so hard to do this Tri. I am devastated. I feel like I had all the joy sucked out me — the dementors have visited this Muggle!

I started training in February and barring a few bouts with flu and exhaustion, I have completely stuck with it. My training plan was safe and measured. I have sacrificed time with my family to train, I have given up desserts, I have completely immersed myself in the multisport lifestyle. If there was a medal for commitment, I surely would have won it. I’ve put in on average I’d say a good 8 hours a week or more to this endeavor. And I have worn the “no injury” badge of pride. I did it. I went from couch potato to triathlete with no injuries. Till now.
To see it slip away now just takes my breath away.

Believe it or not, I am hoping I can still participate. I know I can swim - no problem there. I am fairly sure if I continue to ice it and elevate it… that I can handle the bike. And I am thinking I will just walk. I just need to give up the dream of “doing my best” and switch to “finishing”. It’s so hard for me though because the “run” is where I really wanted to prove myself. And prove to myself — that I could do it.

Part of me thinks Im an idiot for even considering participation. I’m mostly worried about secondary injury at this point. How my “gait” will throw everything else off… a fall… etc. I am still processing my grief and just remaining open to possibilities right now. I might decide not to do it. I don’t know. I have a history of simply not taking on things I can’t do well. To make the call to “uncommit” at this late stage is just unheard of in the Kym book of life.
I am tortured by this whole thing. I’ve been in tears all morning. It’s so unfair. I have done everything right… It’s hard to give up the dream of what you expected.

I did have pain on my last run but it got better after a couple of days. Then the other day I was walking on the new dirt in my back yard carrying a brick. Doctor thinks that I “aggravated it” in the soft dirt and the fracture pulled apart more and that’s why I have pain.
He didn’t tell me I couldn’t race and went so far as to explain to me how to wrap it if i did. But he told me I am done running for 3 months afterwards - at least. This bone is surrounded by tendons so it won’t shatter…. I simply will be in a lot of pain afterwards if I choose to run. (errr. walk… because i dont think I’ll be running).

Even if I race… I have grief giving up the whole process of knowing how my body can serve me. This race has always been though more about my mental endurance. God has shown me over and over again that it’s not the body that is important… its my mind. Perhaps he’s just trying to drive the lesson home now.. Somehow, I will learn something from this. But right now, the grief is simply too overbearing to try to find meaning.
I know this is just ‘a race’ in my new life of fitness, I need to take a longer more grown up view that this is just not that important in the scheme of my whole life. But right now, it feels pretty horrible.

I don’t know what I am going to do yet. I’m going to wait to make a decision till tomorrow night.

Ok… I just did a 16 mile bike and now I am done with my training. Time to let the body heal up and simply hope for the best. I have trained well. I know I have done the best I can do. I know I will have a great race. I won’t be the fastest but I will be the most present. I will savor every minute of the race I never thought this fat girl would ever do.

This race is simply the first milestone in a long trek to my ultimate goal: being fit, well rounded and healthy.

Now Im going to go eat a Nestle’s Drumstick. Those stupid cones have completely derailed all weightloss for me the last month.

And I dont care! LOL

I’m not in the mood to train anymore. I have absolutely no desire to exercise, let alone train right now. I think part of it is that I am trying to get my life all “lined up” for the new job. Part of it is simply I have been going at such an incredible pace that I am just ready to not have to go at a hard pace, and part of it might be that I am anemic again. At least if it’s the last reason, I can go get a couple infusions and life will be good again. I have some doctor appointments lined up to check. I don’t feel super bad, so I’m not sure that is it. I am getting over a virus and I did get switched to generic Ambian. So maybe it’s one of those things too.

I did a 22 mile bike ride on Monday. I didn’t think I went particularly fast but amazingly when I got home and downloaded my results, my speed was ½ mph faster without more effort. So that is progress.

You would think I would be falling all over myself wanting to train because I can now see how different my body is. My body has dramatically changed. It has to be dramatic to other people because those same people are asking me if I lost weight. Let me note here for the record though, that I have still stayed in the same 20 -22 lb loss range. My bodyfat has dropped significantly though. So I guess I’ve had fat loss, not weight loss? Normal people would be super motivated by the whole “change in your body” thing. Me? Not so much. Maybe it’s I can’t see it very well when I look in the mirror. Maybe it’s just I don’t care so much. Maybe I simply place so much more value on what is on the inside instead of what is on the outside. Maybe someday I’ll be a size 4. Ha ha ha. Just checking to see if you are paying attention.

I figure I am never really going to get a handle on this whole body dysmorphic disorder thing if I don’t get to the point where I can not only recognize, but also appreciate subtle changes in my weight. If I say I don’t recognize it then I never have to be accountable and do anything about it right?

Oh wait… how did this get back to weight? I was talking about lack of motivation. Lack of motivation despite of the fact I should be incredibly motivated. I’m a freak I guess.

Anyway…. Here I am. Hoping to simply be able to exercise enough to keep holding my own. I’m fine now with just finishing the race. Really I am.

Remind me of that will ya?

3/4 of a mile swim last night.
3.5 mile run today.

I have a sore throat so the fact that I am committed to my training even though I feel like crap means I deserve extra kudos.

Leslie wrote and asked me how I was doing with Tri training and stated she missed my updates. I can’t believe anyone much cares. LOL Yes I am still training. This week looks like this and has been a bit difficult with company and all the crap I have going on in my life.

Sunday: 2 miles
Monday: 3.2 miles
Tuesday: break
Wednesday: 19 miles at a fast clip for me. Was great!
Thursday: 3/4 of mile in the pool
Friday: rest
Saturday: Brick planned with all three sports
Sunday: Swim most likely… maybe a run if I am not worn out from Saturday.

Im actually feeling pretty good about the Tri stuff. I cut back my training a bit to more like 5 days a week instead of the 6 and I just am happier with that.

No changes in the scale but I have lost 1% of body fat and 2 inches off my waist. So I’ll take that.

favoritedesign.pdf

Above is a link to the new patio. It has stairs down to each room. Note the “sit walls” in the design. Our landscape architect doesn’t want to use stone veneer on those walls. I do. Real stone, which we priced this weekend, is freaking EXPENSIVE. I could possibly go with the real stone if I General Contracted this thing myself. However since I dont know what is happening with the job situation, I dont know if I can/should take that on right now with so much up in the air.

Decisions we have made thus far:
We want a gas fireplace.
We want to have stones around the outside of the Fireplace for a more “camp” feel on the other side of the patio.
We are going to go with acid stained concrete for the flooring.

Things that need decided:
Countertops made out of?
Shorten the waterfall?
Remove some of the sit walls to save $$?
Just use stone as an accent?
Concrete Paver type blocks instead of stone?
Grill brand?
Sink in the countertop?
Fridge?
Third tier needs concrete extended to the end of the house or simply do plantings?

I’m doing good workout wise this week. I dont see much improvement in my times but I dont feel like the fatigue is killing me! Yipee That is progress my friends.

Yesterday did a 23 mile bike ride. I forgot my sunglasses and had to go back up my hill to get them. I’ve NEVER made it up my hill on the bike. I did yesterday. Guess the hill is easier at the beginning of my ride! It was a great confidence booster.

Today I swam. We had Dinara’s two friends with us so I was interupted a lot. But I did 1000m and did lots of drills. All good.

Tomorrow could be a rest day. I’m busy busy busy tomorrow. Maybe I can do a run in the evening.

This was my recovery week which really means I feel like I was a slacker I could have worked out more if I wasn’t living and breathing all things Staff Appreciation Week. It’s hard to do multiple things at once giving 100% to all of them. Something had to give. This week was exercise. I biked, swam and ran several times but not with intensity or endurance focus. For the first time in weeks I had more days when I wasn’t working out.

I took a private swimming lesson with a coach and got a few good tips. Overall he was very complimentary which was a great confidence booster. His tips focused on refinement. Biggest tip was that I was reaching to far in front of me and losing power because my elbow wasn’t bent correctly. I might meet with him again in a few weeks and see if I have improved.

I think the thing that I am having to focus on is how to do ‘active recovery’. As I struggle to get back on the bandwagon and fight inertia after my days off, I know I have to mentally practice “active recovery”. That there are more then two speeds in training. There is not just ‘all out’ and ‘nothing’. There is a big middle ground and I better figure that out if I want to be successful. And when I feel tired, I don’t have to automatically go to full stop. I can slow down and I can recover. My body knows what to do and I have a base now… I just have to trust. It’s hard for me to balance that.

Interestingly, I can tie it back to my food issues too. There is/was full and there is starving. I tend to gloss over everything in between and have had to train myself to be present and really feel what is happening. Not just eat because it’s there and in front of me - but be present when I eat and only eat “some” versus only eating NONE or EVERYTHING. (Still do that of course, but not like I used to!) I think I am now learning this lesson with exercise. And now as I try to increase my speed a bit, I absolutely have to figure out how to “push it” without feeling like I have to come to a full stop to regain my composure.

Ahhh… the metaphors of active recovery just extend to all areas of my life….

On Sunday, I swam 1/2 mile. I was still sick. I came home after that swim and slept 3 hard hours. I should have run yesterday but just didn’t feel up to it yet. Today I biked a little over 12 miles. Easy bike with a friend. Felt about 85% back. Loved the bike ride! Can feel it a little bit in my muscles but I think I’ll be fine tomorrow. Going to do some Yoga stretches tonight and make hubby give me a massage to take the edge off. Tomorrow night is my swim and I am hoping to do my half mile with no rest breaks. Thursday I am running with my best friend who runs 9 minute miles and is going to pace me at 12:30 miles. I have so much trouble with pacing myself. She told me today she thinks that I have a big disconnect between my brain and my body. That I don’t listen to my body when I am exercising. Uh — yeah. I’ve never listened to my body. My body sucks! That’s why I was fat. She says that I look for external “cues” to direct me (after the fact) instead of just focusing on how I feel. Maybe. Probably. I dunno. I have to say that I must not be at a point to accept it yet because I feel like just saying “whatever — just shaddup and make me faster”. I feel the need for speed! I tend to focus on measurable stuff and discount emotions. It’s the Kym way. It’s the old Kym way anyway. I guess I need to give it all more thought.

In other news, I have been trying to lose a little weight so it’s easier to propel this big honking mass, I call: my body, through air and water. I’ve been training hard. Losing a few pounds to look better is nice too… but I really need to drop some weight for performance reasons. I’ve been talking about it for months. I’ve lost between 18 and 22 lbs depending on the day since last year. I have been really committed to trying to get another 10 lbs off before the Tri since I started training. My eating has been pristine. So what does my husband do? He brings home a big box of Lindt Chocolate Truffles. *sigh* Hello?! Have you not been listening to me about the weight stuff? I feel slightly irked and quite frankly a bit sabotaged. I know he is nurturing me through food… but it.has.to.stop. It’s not healthy. And if you must nurture me through food bring me home some exotic expensive fruits!!!

Ok…that concludes my bitchfest for today.

Strange thought that ran through my mind while running today. I have long thick hair… I bet if I cut it off I could add 2 seconds to my running time. LOL I’m all about efficiency these days.

What I hate about running is that all “progress” is measured in seconds. Good lord, it takes MONTHS to shave off a minute. So not only is a run physically demanding for me, but it’s also mental torture because I can’t just be “good at it” – no immediate satisfaction when it comes to progress. Also I’m comparing myself to people who run marathons for *fun* and I just feel so inadequate. This is a growth opportunity right? It takes months before progress can be measured in minutes and I feel some sort of satisfaction. This is my chance to be evolved.

However… I did have some YAHOOs to share about my run today. At least when you are a beginner, you have huge opportunities for improvement. I don’t have to worry about diminishing returns for awhile. Heh.

Today’s run was 4.15 miles along the river. I did the same run on 1/28 and shaved 2.19 minutes per MILE off my time. How abouty *THAT*! PROGRESS friends!!! It’s sweet! Whoot. I’m still really slow but I’m a faster slow then walking now!

And I am especially proud of myself for getting my butt out there today. I felt so freaking tired this morning and I seriously considered bagging training today. This is my 6th day in a row of doing activity. And I am TIRED. But not hurting. Again, another thing to be happy about.

Last night: Did 1000m swim in 35 mins. I have no idea is that is good or bad. I didn’t push myself. That was stopping and taking a few breaths between sets and even talking a few times. I feel pretty good about the time.

Listening to today while running:

Get Me Bodied by Beyonce
A little sweat aint never hurt nobody
Why ya’ll standin on the wall?

20 weeks till taper for Danskin Seattle

Last Week’s Goals
• Buy the bike and stop worrying about finding the perfect bike.

• Watch “Total Immersion” Freestyle swimming video

• Just do a few rides to get used to the bike

• 30 mins of practicing pedal clipping in and out

• At least two runs at 45 mins each (next week is super busy for me and I’m a bit worried about fitting everything in). Continue focus on stride turnover and hill work for strength.

• Two swims of at least 45 mins each.

Met all my goals last week except the clipping in and out goal. I decided after I got my bike that I needed to focus on just the basics for the first few weeks. I’m putting off the clipless thing for a few weeks till I have everything else figured out. My goal is to minimize falling over on my arse and being entertainment for my neighborhood. I’ll train on the clipless in a couple weeks.

Highlights this week:

4 miles with hills then a 1000 meter swim in the evening. Yes all that exercising on the same day. I rock! I couldn’t walk two blocks when I was fat and now look at me. I was tired but I did it! Today I biked and swam in the same day. Woot!

Bought my bike. Ended up with the Specialized Sequoia (58cm). I had my heart set on the Trek but truth be told, this one felt more “me”. So go figure. I made a money decision based on how it felt versus logic. Somehow in my head I think that is emotional progress.
Struggle for the week: What is exhaustion exactly? How do I tell when I’m being a wuss versus really needing to rest? I backed off for a few days at the end of the week and didn’t do a third run and feel much better today. I do love that I feel like I have enough time to take things slowly and allow myself extra recovery time. Time is a luxury. I appreicate having it.

Goals for next week:

Run twice (45 – 60 mins)

— long run of 60+ mins

— 45 min run with hill work

Bike three times. (I’m in the getting to know you stage!)

— Figure out how the gears work. (they were out of manuals!!!!)

— Benchmark test

— Easy rides to get acquainted with biking so I don’t kill myself.

Swim twice at least 1000 meters each

— Freestyle only

— Focus on form versus speed (lengthen stroke, head down, rocking)

— Sign up for a stroke critique

Start trying on Tri clothing. (Avoidance is not an effective strategy Kym)

Be more positive about my body image.

Pray for some sunny days.

My goals for this week were:
• Get in the pool twice. (Done!)
• Be able to swim 100 meter sets with 30 sec rest breaks full 32 laps (Pretty good but still need to rest after only 50 meters during later sets.)• Join Pool Club (done!)
• Do two speed work runs where I decide the pace and do intervals to pick up my speed (I’d like to get to 12 minute miles) (Half completed: I did only one speed workout because I was tired and it is not worth getting injured)
• Buy Bike (Monday probably?) (Almost completed: put a deposit down and will buy it next week )
• Take my kids for a bike ride (they are so excited mommy is buying a bike!) (Not completed: no bike! But we did go swimming!)

The sweetest moment:
I achieved a personal record this week with regards to my running pace (see below under Proud Moment). It’s a very sweet victory for me because running has been such a slow, long struggle. Not really that long and slow more like just I got smacked into reality realizing that improvement is going to come at it’s own pace not what I just think in my head! Anyway - I realized my turnover was slow and I am trying to land more on my fore foot. We are coming up on my “one year of running” anniversary in April.

My biggest emotional struggle is: How I see my body. I can “feel” the changes under all this skin but I can’t SEE them. That is very depressing. It’s very hard for me to put all this work in and not have the body payoff. Why I have to have a visual ideal of what an athlete is I do not know – but I seem to crave it. Maybe I need to take some before pictures? My body fat did go down this week but the scale did not. I know, I know… this is good. Blah blah blah.

My biggest physical struggle/worry is: The hill at the end of the race. Still. Still worried — and oh btw — the hill is still there. LOL Even well rested, hills are difficult for me. I just haven’t been able to run up that kind of grade all the way to the top even at the beginning of a run. How am I going to handle it at the end of a race? I have no doubt I can train for hills but I do have doubt I can train to do a hill at that level of exhaustion. I did run up 40th without stopping though this week. Pace was like 15:30 but at least I didn’t stop. That is progress right?

I am also a little bit worried about the biking. Mostly because I haven’t gotten into it yet. Once I start brick workouts I’ll feel much more secure.

I’m still worried about what to wear. I just need to go try on Trisuits. Surely someone makes tall sizes. Please dear God, do not make me have to wear two pieces because there are no other alternatives.

This is what I did this week:

Tuesday,
Mar 13, 2007

Running
Hills
Neighborhood Loop (hills)
3.60 miles
56:20 (15:38/mile)
Hey… progress is being made. This was over 900 feet of elevation and my walking pace up the hills (i can only run in spurts) is getting faster! ha!

Wednesday,
Mar 14, 2007

Swimming
Gym
1000 meters
Foot cramps slowed me down. But overall I felt so much better then last week!!! Great swim. Just felt like I was gliding through the water. (’cept for the damn cramps!)

Thursday,
Mar 15, 2007

Running
Big Ass Hills
3.60 miles
52:21 (14:32/mile)
I kept my pace under 12:30 for the first two miles! YAY ME! I know this is NOTHING for other folks, but for me it’s a real milestone. Last mile and half was mostly uphill. Had to walk some — but still pretty happy

Saturday,
Mar 17, 2007

Swimming
Gym
1000 meters
My daughter timed me and I did 50m at 55 sec pace and I did 100m at 155sec. Couldn’t hold the pace obviously. But it’s my first benchmark. I was going to run today but decided to swim instead because my legs feel like lead

Most proud moment: 2 full miles under 12:30 pace. Yay me. (insert cabbage dance icon here)

What I am thinking about with my training: I have to get a handle on pacing and how different paces feel to my body. Historically in my head all exercise just felt bad. Everything was equal. If it was exertion, it was bad. So going “all out” was the same as “just trying”. Turns out… it’s not the same. So I am working at reprogramming myself. I think I am starting to feel it with running. I can definitely feel it with swimming. I am working to understand the difference and how it affects my endurance. It’s a hard lesson for me really. The lesson of “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should”. And there is a big difference for me between thinking and feeling. I have educated myself on the thinking but now I am working on the feeling.

Training tip that most impacted me this week:
Swim downward.

How I feel overall: By the end of this week I felt tired. I was going to run today but I just wasn’t up to it. My legs felt like lead. I was so tired that I worried I might be getting sick. Since I malabsorb nutrients (I fight anemia among other issues), I don’t’ know if it’s tied to nutrition or just general fatigue everyone else feels too. I am also struggling a bit with hydration. I know it will come. I just have to learn my body and adapt. Muscle soreness has improved 100% since I upped my Vitamin D intake.

Goals for next week:• Buy the bike and stop worrying about finding the perfect bike.
• Watch “Total Immersion” Freestyle swimming video
• Just do a few rides to get used to the bike
• 30 mins of practicing pedal clipping in and out
• At least two runs at 45 mins each (next week is super busy for me and I’m a bit worried about fitting everything in). Continue focus on stride turnover and hill work for strength.
• Two swims of at least 45 mins each.

I ran my first two miles today in less then 12:30 pace! Now… that might not sound like much to the average joe…. but for me this is BIG! My last mile and half was a lot of hills and averaged around 14.39…. but I am very very pleased! I really want to get to comfortable 12 min miles with hills. That means I have to shave off like 2 mins. off my time before beg of August. Can I do it? I am still walking many of the hills. If I can get to a 14:30 min pace on hills…. and then a 11:30 minute pace on flats… I think I can do it.

Last night I also swam 32 laps completely freestyle. Felt good. My aerobic endurance was better. I didn’t need as many breaths. Felt really good. We are staring down a very very busy weekend, but I am hoping I can fit a swim in somewhere.

YAY ME!!!

3.6 miles and it was hill work today. I was going to do a long flat run, but didn’t feel like driving to where it’s long and flat And it is GORGEOUS here. And I admit I am most worried about that big hill at the end of the Tri. If I don’t train for it now, it’s not going to be easy to do. Honestly, since I can’t do hills well now when I am not exhausted after swimming a half mile and then biking 12 miles and running for a half hour before facing the monstrousity. So I opted to do my neighborhood. I really must take pictures of these hills I am talking about. They are the kind of hills that wind you WALKING up them.

So today’s run was ok. I tried to work on some pacing. I did some intervals but was very tired today. Kids had me up several times last night and I just didn’t sleep well. But I did my run and overall it wasn’t too horrible. My paces on flats was great. My best pace was under 11! I’m trying to hold around 12:30 but am still struggling for how long I can hold it. Again, today probably wasn’t the best day to even look at that stuff because I was so tired. However, I comforted myself with the thought that this is perfect training. I feel tired and like crap and so that is how I am going to feel running after the other events. I’m training realistically! Because I walked a lot of the uphills today, it was great to see that my walking pace has improved time wise. I’ll take that improvement too. I think I’m walking slowly still from being fat. That I have never really adjusted my gait and/or balance for my new body type. I still move like a fat girl. Baby got back.

I also tried to convince myself that hills weren’t hell. Kept my focus down and tried to say positive things in my head about how they are wonderful and easy and I can do them. No go. My body screamed back at me I was an idiot.

I might go do more bike shopping today. I wish I could find someone who could just really help me pick the right bike. The information that is out there is so conflicted. Mostly because my objectives are conflicted: pleasure riding versus racing. I am leaning towards getting a lighter (ie more expensive) bike for the race because if I want to get a clunker to ride with the kids… I can buy one at a garage sale. Not so easy to buy a racing bike at a garage sale. And plus…. If I buy a decent racing bike… I can always sell it if I don’t race again.

Gah. So much of this bike buying business requires you to really be in touch with how the bike FEELS. That is how you are supposed to make a decision between bike X and bike Y. I am the queen of being out of touch with my body. I don’t know how things FEEL. I’m getting way better… but it’s a process right? Historically, I didn’t know what full felt like. I didn’t know what an endorphin high was. I didn’t know what hunger felt like. Hell… I didn’t even know that fat felt bad Sooooo…. to make a 500-1K buying decision on a “quick ride” on how something “FEELS” is totally uncomfy for me. I would much prefer to deal with this problem with LOGIC versus by how it FEELS. This type A woman feels squirrelly with all this “how does it feel” talk as the sole basis to make a decision because I honestly don’t think I have the skills to recognize the nuanced differences.

Ok… must go shower. Have a great day!

My Tri Training Report. Focusing not just on what I did… but how I felt

The sweetest moment:
My friends and I went and saw the course last week. It was…. well… intimidating. I think it really made me feel afraid. Sorta like… OMG, what have I done? I expressed at our dinner table that night how afraid I was. I actually sort of got teary. (hormones?) Anyway — my kids were shocked to see my fear and vulnerability I guess. My daughter Emma was like “Mom… you will do fantastic don’t worry!” Everyone was very supportive and encouraging. We also had a long talk about how I felt like quitting and giving up — and that was an option of course — but I was going to push through and face my fear. Sometimes it’s ok to be afraid and let those who love you help you. Asking for help and support have never been easy for me!!

My biggest emotional struggle is that I want to tell the world “please don’t expect much from me…. I have never done this before.” This being anything athletic. Ever. Seriously. I want to wear a big sign on me that says “I used to weigh 360 lbs so that is why I am moving so slow!” It’s hard for me to give up the comfort of that in my identity. I don’t want to be judged by the metric of a normal person…. I want to be judged as a fat girl. I’m way more comfortable there! LOL

My biggest physical struggle/worry is: How am I going to manage that hill after I am so depleted and I don’t want to walk. How do I train for that? I can’t run hills now when I’m NOT tired. LOL

This is what I did this week:
Sunday: Run: 3 miles
Tuesday: Run 3 miles
Wednesday Swimming 22 or 24 laps
Thursday Run 2.9 miles
Saturday: Run 3.15 (big assed hill run with kids riding their bikes.)

Most proud moment: Today I ran my first mile and quarter and stayed under a 12:30 pace!!!

How I feel overall: Feel really pretty proud of myself. Was hard on myself about not being able to do the full 32 laps…but honestly, I think I’m right on track. I feel afraid of what is in front of me, but it’s getting better each day. I felt joyful today running while my kids rode their bikes. I felt really happy that we were doing that together. Feel like my body has finally gotten to the point where a 12 mile week doesn’t exhaust me. It really took me months to get here. I am a bit worried about how long it takes me to get to a point where what others see as normal activity just exhausts me. I know other people might think I’m over investing too soon… but for me… I prefer to have lots of time to learn something and get my body used it. I don’t need to be last minute for the motivation. I’d rather do the work earlier and enjoy the ride at the end.

Goals for next week:
Get in the pool twice.
Be able to swim 100 meter sets with 30 sec rest breaks full 32 laps
Join Pool Club
Do two speed work runs where I decide the pace and do intervals to pick up my speed (I’d like to get to 12 minute miles)
Buy Bike (Monday probably?)
Take my kids for a bike ride (they are so excited mommy is buying a bike!)

24 laps in the pool last night. 25M pool.
I need to do 34 for the half mile.

Oh.My.God. What.Have.I.Done?

So funny how in my head I know I can do all this stuff and then when I actually go to do it… I’m like shocked how freaking hard it is. Hello… I’m Kym and I suffer from thinking I can do freaking anything syndrome.

I ran today 3 miles. It was the longest 3 miles of my life. I was so tired. I feel better now though. Took a b12 shot. So maybe that perked me a bit. Or maybe it’s all in my head!

Off now to go with 3 friends to drive the “course”, then go to REI and be fitted for a bike, and then out to lunch. Then I need to come back and go to an assembly at school.

Tomorrow is a rest day.

Thank God!

Surrender.

It’s a beautiful word isn’t it? It even sounds beautiful to the ear. The soft s blends perfectly into the rolling of the r’s into the gentle der at the end. Unfortunately for me, the actual process of surrender is never as easy or as beautiful as saying the word.

My whole life is about surrender by the way. If I could just master surrender, oh how easy life would be. Surrender would be my slave. Control would flood every corner of my universe and feel oh so good. Hmmm. Yes the irony of controlling surrender isn’t lost on me. Perhaps that is why I have such a difficult time with surrender. I am simply driven to try to control every aspect about it versus simply abandoning myself in it.

The triathlon is making me realize that I need to surrender my body issues. I can not get away from my body in this big training process. Every freaking waking moment is taken up thinking about exploiting the good and refining the bad. I am having a near anxiety attack over the thought of exercising in a hoard of women with even worse… crowds watching. Good Lord… what have I done? I am worried about my skin. I am worried about my weight. I am worried about what to wear. I am worried about what people will be thinking about my skin, weight and what I am wearing. I am worried more about other people’s judgments then I am about actually performing the stupid thing. Shouldn’t I be worried about my endurance? My strength? My abilities? I mean I have not done anything athletic in my *life* and what am I worried about? I’m worried about if I can find a swimsuit with a long enough torso and how fat I will look plugging away on a 3 mile run.

It is obviously time for me to give up my suffering over this body for happiness. My body is going to serve me in the event right? Who cares about vanity? About over achieving? About what the hell you are going to wear? What would happen if I simply let all this crap go and not worried about it? What if I boxed it all up and simply pushed way far back in my mind and focused instead on the joy of having my body work FOR me for once? Would it come back to haunt me because I didn’t process it? Is there a process to surrender or is it simply like jumping off a cliff? Once you are in a free fall of surrender, the laws of nature – like gravity – simply take over.

I do not know how to get past my issues about what other people think of me doing exercise. I feel judged. I do recognize that maybe I am creating chaos around what I will look like because I am uncomfortable and that chaos can be a distraction for me to focus on. If I focus on that, then I don’t have to focus on the fact I have put myself into three hours of pure hell that will test my body in ways I can not even contemplate – and even worse – I’m doing something I can not possibly do “well” in. The over achiver rarely puts herself in a place where she can not over achieve right? And that feels very uncomfy. Or maybe it’s just I know that my body image is still so screwed up I can’t comprehend how others really see me.

Perhaps that is the big lesson I am supposed to learn in all this. That in the throngs of 3500 people (4000 entries for the Tri…and it was only open for 4 days and they say 500 will drop out before it even begins) no one is going to be watching the former morbidly obese girl and thinking anything more then “wow… she’s doing it”. No one is going to be passing judgment on my jiggly legs, my saggy arms, or what cute outfit I am not wearing because they do not make them in fat giraffe sizes. Honestly Kym… no one cares.

Maybe it’s time for me to surrender to all this. Because if I am spending all my time focusing on what “might be in the future” or analyzing why I am so screwed up from my past — I am not really enjoying the present am I?