Extraordinary Mundane

I think I am stressed out more than I am letting on about the impending Tri. If you asked me, I think I would tell you that I feel fine about it. But you know when people use words and then their actions don’t back things up? I’m there.

All the yellow flag indicators are that I feel anxiety about something. I sat in front of a veggie tray and some chips last night at a party and did not stop eating the whole time. Mindlessness eating. Soothing. I don’t do that much anymore — but I was aware of myself doing it last night. I did not sleep well at all last night. I want to purge my kids closets “today” and make a list of what I need to buy for school clothes. I want to be highly efficient with my work and feel like I need to have things there to “cross off the list “ so I can feel like I’m accomplishing something.

I am deep in thought about exactly what it is I feel anxious about though. It is really related to the results I expect from this race. I am anxious about expectations.

I was going to do an iron-on to my shirt for the Tri that said “I was slower when I was 360 lbs”. Gives me the perfect out yes? Define my race by my previous achievement that everyone thinks is great – instead of being defined by my less than average race times. I feel this need to inform others about why I am not where I think I should be or where I think they expect I should be after all this training. Why I am going to be below average at this race. And more importantly - why that is ok.

And it hit me in that moment. This race is reliving my fatness all over again. Striving so hard — but not having the physical outcome that others do or expect. Effort does not equal result and no one understands. Gosh… when I was fat I would work SO HARD – and so much harder than anyone else to achieve weight loss. But never was able to quite get there. Effort did not equal results. So I seek to add context for people. Be worthy in some other way. Because what they expect is not going to be reality. Don’t set your expectations by my effort for God sakes. And I want them to know that my effort has been above average — but like being thin: No matter how much effort I put in - I will not achieve what you all expect. Unlike every other area of my life: my athletic effort is going to bring sub par results.

I’ve downplayed my level of training to people because I now realize I was trying to lower their expectations.

I have spent the major part of my life being at war with my body. I’ve never met my own expectations there. I have never felt beautiful because I am not what society deems thin or normal. Even still. I’m too tall and still 30 lbs too heavy. My body has not served me in the way I would have expected it - ever. No amount of heurculean effort has given me even average result. Even when I exert incredible above average control over it - by nourishing it with healthy food, practicing presence and moderation, exercising it and making it strong, not starving it or over feeding it — It still is not the visible form I have convinced myself is the ideal. When it comes to my body – effort has not equaled the result. Ever.

So here I am again. My training efforts are not going to equal the result. My life keeps handing me this lesson over and over again. So I obviously haven’t gotten what I am supposed to get from it yet. My result is not going to equal my effort…. What lesson am I supposed to learn from that?

Life is going very well right now. I am happy and healthy and my life is in balance. We are getting ready to head to the beach for a long weekend. I am looking forward to some reconnecting time with my husband and spending time together with my kids. I have to say – I do so enjoy traveling with my family. I love the moments we create when we are on vacation. I am really looking forward to this little road trip.

We should be back on Sunday. Emma leaves Sunday night to go her first ever week of overnight camp. She’s excited. And the other two are heading to Day Camp next week.

This past weekend was great. We spent lots of time with good friends, we worked on our patio, we went and saw a movie and ate at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. It was by and large – a fantastic weekend. A big personal highlight of the weekend was that I did an 11 mile bike and then a 3 mile run. Oh sure… the run took me over 45 mins…. But I was really proud of the fact that I am anemic and was able to do it without taking any walking breaks and after my bike ride. I was really, really, really tired afterward… but my pride sustained me. And I find that I am not suffering the same delayed muscle pain that I battled last year.

Last night I had a great Yoga class. Breathing in Joy and exhaling Peace. It was a particularly challenging class — I think because I was so tight from my Saturday Bike/Run Brick…. But it felt so good. I worked up a great sweat and was really present. I was able to do more ab excercises and Sun Flow things. It was very rewarding to be able to move through things faster and with better form. But one of the real benefits and improvements I see in my Yoga practice – is that I am now able to be more appreciative of my body and what it can do for me instead of beating myself up for what it can’t. I am highly aware that I am now able to enjoy the journey from where I am at – to where I am going. Instead of beating myself into submission for not being where I think I should be. I realize – that I have a gift. I am tenacious and committed. I think I have always discounted the true value of my commitment to exercise and my athletic lifestyle. I didn’t feel like I was ever good enough to be called athletic. But it’s more about commitment then talent isn’t it? I have never really embraced and honored myself for what I have accomplished in the past 5 years. Very slowly – but surely – I have transformed myself. Not with talent or raw power – but with spirit and commitment. My commitment – slow, sure and steady is what has gotten me to where I am now.

Life is going well. I’m loving my summer. I’m pushing myself to do training and I’m starting to see a bit of improvement. I can at least tell I’m faster then I was last year in everything but running. My endurance still isn’t there though. But I figure with the untreated anemia — my results aren’t that bad. The anemia at least makes me not feel guilty about my naps :).

Here’s the training in a nutshell for the last few days.

6/28 14 mile bike - tried to stay above 15 mph… but no luck. Avg came in at 14.6

6/29 Rest day. But I did haul rock and work on my patio and do yoga at home. So the word “rest” is sort of a misnomer.

6/30 3 mile total run – 2 mile no stopping with hills.

7/1 Rest

Yesterday: Worked hard at my Yoga Class (I’m getting more upper body strength!) and 1/2 mile Swim Did two 200 meter intervals. The last interval I did at 4:13.

Today: Bike. 7 miles total. 3 mile time test. Came in at 11:11. Not great but good for me. And I averaged 15 mph! Whoot!

Tomorrow: Rest

Saturday: Run/Bike Brick. Im thinking it will be a 10 mile bike and a 2 mile run. Can I do it? Im not sure.

The cumulative effects of training are catching up with me. I’m really tired. I’m trying to push through to our vacation on Thursday. I figure i’ll get a few days of rest then!

Summer perfection: Great temps, not too hot, fresh cut grass, neighborhood playing hide and seek in the twilight shadows.

I ran yesterday and I made myself do a run tonight. My aerobic endurance is crap but I am proud of my tenacity. 12:50 mile with no stopping. This puts me in the neighborhood speed wise of last year I think… but I can’t run as far yet. I then also walked a mile and half.

Tomorrow is Yoga (yay!) and a swim. My husband is going to go with me. When my friend’s husband heard John was going to do it — he thinks he might too. Not sure he’s coming tomorrow or not, but my husband has committed to trying it for three times. Gotta love the guy! I’ll let you know how it goes!

Met the neighbors who moved in a couple months ago. We had emailed but today I stopped and talked. They are nice. They are from India. Nice to continue the United Nations on our neighborhood street.

Worked 9 hours today. Including hauling my arse out of bed at 6am. Glad I don’t have to do that too often.

Heading to Oregon on Thursday to pick up Denali.

Spent 10 full minutes tickling Dinara. I forgot how much she loves it.

Got Noah’s new bike working. For a kid who didn’t like to ride… we now can’t keep him off of it.

Ate lunch, in the sunshine, on my patio with my kids. Even though it’s a construction zone – I still love it.

I’ve gotten our first bid on the countertops. I think we’ll be able to complete the project by mid/end of July. I will then have no excuse to not have people over.

Summer Cherries. I love them.

So here I am. 6 years out from my amazing weight loss surgery the Duodenal Switch. I’d like to tell you that nothing much has changed but truth is, everything has changed. For the better. I am a completely different person then I was 6 years ago as I walked into that operating room wondering if I would live through the surgery.

First, let me cover all the post op details for my fellow duodenal switch sisters and brothers. My weight is completely stable and bounces in a ten pound range. I am healthy. My cholesterol is around 100. My blood pressure is 110 over 65. My resting pulse rate is about 53. I am no longer diabetic. I can walk long distances without pain. I can move my body. I do not define success by the fact that I lost 160 lbs but rather that I have kept it off. As far as surgery side effects, I really don’t have any unless I eat a ton of white flour. Everything pretty much stablizes after year five.

The bad news is that I do struggle with anemia and being deficient in some vitamins and minerals due to my surgery. I have to take prescription Vitamin D. I often feel tired because either my iron stores are low or I don’t have enough red blood cells. (I struggle with several different types of anemia). But honestly, compared to the diabetes and the co morbidities I was facing fat – it’s a welcome change.

The biggest change in me though is that I no longer use food to soothe me. Although I will always have emotional eating tendencies, I no longer immerse myself in food. I love myself so much, that I only feed myself really good food. My tastes have changed dramaticly. In fact, it’s hard to me to articulate if I have changed emotionally or if my tastes changed so much that I no longer crave the crap I was eating. Honestly… the thought of fast food now doesn’t appeal to me in the least. Talk to me about eating a 5 course meal prepared with fresh seafood, veggies and grains – by a chef – and I will become exicted!

Now when I eat… I eat with intention. I savor. I am no longer sitting down with a bag of chips and mindlessly eating one after another. I am now much more likely to take a handful, bake them up with artichokes, cheese and tomatoes – and then pour some gourmet salsa on them with sour cream. And really enjoy them! They aren’t masking anything other then pure love I have for creative food!

I am no longer the fat girl mentally either. I don’t see myself as fat anymore. There are only rare occurances when I think “I can’t do that physically because I’m fat” and then I remember: Oh wait.. you aren’t anymore! I think I think of food fairly normally. I eat desserts, bacon, red meat – but I also now really enjoy fresh veggies, only tend to eat whole grains, and avoid high fructose corn syrup.

I also enjoy exercise now. I have spent the last two years on a journey to learn how exercise really can make you feel. Low and behold – the key to exercise was not that doing it will create some logical caloric deficiency – but rather how it makes you FEEL. I went through a period of time when I really ‘binged’ on exercise and it became like the new drug. Now I feel much more balanced. I know what it can do for my body and I listen to my body. I know I take longer to recover and I know what feeling fit feels like. And I realize how exercise is one of the building blocks to being a healthy and whole person.

The next step on my journey is that I am learning to love my body and not be so mentally abusive with myself. So help me God — this is what i am going to master in the next couple years. I am letting go of the negative self talk for not being perfect. Now I can appreciate and feel confident that I am simply on a path – and perfection isnot the quest. It’s actually the imperfections that give character to the person I am today. I appreciate their gifts. I can appreciate where I am now on my journey and not feel less than perfect because of it.

Amazingly, I don’t have any other physical goals other than to just be healthy. (amazing! no goals!) That has to be a true testament to my emotional change. The vanity that swelled up when I lost the weight has succumbed to a peaceful acceptance of who I am. No self hatred. Nothing really I am striving to improve. I am peaceful and my Yoga practice is bringing me balance both physically and spiritually. I feel immense gratitude these days for the life I have and the body I have been given. How many 40 year olds can say that they have a better, stronger and healthier body then they did when they were 20?

6 years, 160 lbs still gone. Funny though that I no longer want to define this process by what I lost (160 lbs) but rather by what I gained. A new more balanced me.

I have written before about my insufferable need to always be trying to improve things. This little neurosis of mine has really served me well in life. I attribute it to much of my success. However, it’s really tiring. It takes up a lot of mental energy and it causes me to churn on things that are often out of my control.

I have a good life. Why must I focus on what it isn’t instead of focusing on what it “is?”. I am financially secure, I have people who love me, great kids, good health, a partner who adores me and a rewarding life. It’s time to start enjoying it.

By focusing on what things are not and focusing on what I must do to improve them, I am really practicing a type of detachment. I am spending so much time thinking about how to make it better in the future I am not enjoying the here and now.

I have turned over a new leaf.

Now instead of focusing on what isn’t right and trying to make it better… I am going to focus on what is right and actually enjoying it. This is not to say that I am going to completely give up the joys of betterment. However I do believe this noticable shift will change my attitude and energy outlay for much of what goes on in my life.

Today: Walked a mile and swam 1/2 mile in 27 mins. (SLOW!)
Dinner tonight: PF Changs Baby! It’s date night!

This year we are doing a new take on the whole resolutions shtick. We are instead making a family plan. Not *that* kind of family plan. It’s more like a road map about what what we want to accomplish next year.

I’ve always been the planner in our family. It comes naturally to me. I like to organize, I like having goals and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with achieving them. And even if I can’t make all my goals this year, I believe that just by writing them down, I am that much closer to making them a reality. I give them energy.

By developing a list of goals, I am defining what success looks like. My family and I are working together to bring clarity about what it is we are working towards and letting our values define us.

The thing that has always been lacking, is that my husband hasn’t really been a part of the process. Oh sure, I’ve tried to loop him in, but honestly, his eyes glaze over a bit . Well this year, I was able to get him a bit more engaged when I told him that he could even put down sex goals. LOL I finally realized I just wasn’t talking in a currency that was meaningful to him before. Ha ha!

I’m not going to write out here in my blog all the goals, but I thought some of you might be interested in the subheadings. Many of these are almost like a to do list. On others we spent time together articulating what does the “ideal look like” – what would success mean here — then figured out what steps we needed to take to get there. John and I have goals under most subheads and the kids have goals under some of them.

Marriage
Romance
Spiritual
Financial
Emotional
Security (things like updating wills, creating a disaster plan, buying a new safe, doing an insurance review)
Parenting (where do we need the most work?)
Focused expansion goals for each child (what each child needs to work on)
Children’s social graces
Family values
Attitude
Vacations we want to go on next year
House projects we want to accomplish
Career growth
Fitness Goals
Health Goals (find a new doctor, take vitamins more regularly )
Charity
Relationships
Social
Self Help
Education
Organization
Family Time

I’m not in the mood to train anymore. I have absolutely no desire to exercise, let alone train right now. I think part of it is that I am trying to get my life all “lined up” for the new job. Part of it is simply I have been going at such an incredible pace that I am just ready to not have to go at a hard pace, and part of it might be that I am anemic again. At least if it’s the last reason, I can go get a couple infusions and life will be good again. I have some doctor appointments lined up to check. I don’t feel super bad, so I’m not sure that is it. I am getting over a virus and I did get switched to generic Ambian. So maybe it’s one of those things too.

I did a 22 mile bike ride on Monday. I didn’t think I went particularly fast but amazingly when I got home and downloaded my results, my speed was ½ mph faster without more effort. So that is progress.

You would think I would be falling all over myself wanting to train because I can now see how different my body is. My body has dramatically changed. It has to be dramatic to other people because those same people are asking me if I lost weight. Let me note here for the record though, that I have still stayed in the same 20 -22 lb loss range. My bodyfat has dropped significantly though. So I guess I’ve had fat loss, not weight loss? Normal people would be super motivated by the whole “change in your body” thing. Me? Not so much. Maybe it’s I can’t see it very well when I look in the mirror. Maybe it’s just I don’t care so much. Maybe I simply place so much more value on what is on the inside instead of what is on the outside. Maybe someday I’ll be a size 4. Ha ha ha. Just checking to see if you are paying attention.

I figure I am never really going to get a handle on this whole body dysmorphic disorder thing if I don’t get to the point where I can not only recognize, but also appreciate subtle changes in my weight. If I say I don’t recognize it then I never have to be accountable and do anything about it right?

Oh wait… how did this get back to weight? I was talking about lack of motivation. Lack of motivation despite of the fact I should be incredibly motivated. I’m a freak I guess.

Anyway…. Here I am. Hoping to simply be able to exercise enough to keep holding my own. I’m fine now with just finishing the race. Really I am.

Remind me of that will ya?

On Sunday, I swam 1/2 mile. I was still sick. I came home after that swim and slept 3 hard hours. I should have run yesterday but just didn’t feel up to it yet. Today I biked a little over 12 miles. Easy bike with a friend. Felt about 85% back. Loved the bike ride! Can feel it a little bit in my muscles but I think I’ll be fine tomorrow. Going to do some Yoga stretches tonight and make hubby give me a massage to take the edge off. Tomorrow night is my swim and I am hoping to do my half mile with no rest breaks. Thursday I am running with my best friend who runs 9 minute miles and is going to pace me at 12:30 miles. I have so much trouble with pacing myself. She told me today she thinks that I have a big disconnect between my brain and my body. That I don’t listen to my body when I am exercising. Uh — yeah. I’ve never listened to my body. My body sucks! That’s why I was fat. She says that I look for external “cues” to direct me (after the fact) instead of just focusing on how I feel. Maybe. Probably. I dunno. I have to say that I must not be at a point to accept it yet because I feel like just saying “whatever — just shaddup and make me faster”. I feel the need for speed! I tend to focus on measurable stuff and discount emotions. It’s the Kym way. It’s the old Kym way anyway. I guess I need to give it all more thought.

In other news, I have been trying to lose a little weight so it’s easier to propel this big honking mass, I call: my body, through air and water. I’ve been training hard. Losing a few pounds to look better is nice too… but I really need to drop some weight for performance reasons. I’ve been talking about it for months. I’ve lost between 18 and 22 lbs depending on the day since last year. I have been really committed to trying to get another 10 lbs off before the Tri since I started training. My eating has been pristine. So what does my husband do? He brings home a big box of Lindt Chocolate Truffles. *sigh* Hello?! Have you not been listening to me about the weight stuff? I feel slightly irked and quite frankly a bit sabotaged. I know he is nurturing me through food… but it.has.to.stop. It’s not healthy. And if you must nurture me through food bring me home some exotic expensive fruits!!!

Ok…that concludes my bitchfest for today.

I guess I have some sort of virus. IT SUCKS! The biggest symptom? Pervasive fatigue. I am talking about muscle aches like there is no tomorrow. Slightly sinusy. Hurts to even raise my arms above my head kinda tired. It needs to GO AWAY NOW. I didn’t work out yesterday or today. And I doubt Im going to do my swim tonight. This thing is bringing me down.

Enough about that. The only thing worse then having weakness is talking about it.

Interesting talk today about what you say to yourself when you are running or biking and you feel like you can’t go on any more. I’m reading about all these athletes who say all these positive things to themselves. Me… I say “hmmm. Let’s stop this”. I’m seeing how my mindset doesn’t match up with real athletes. I need to mirror their “go get ‘em you can do anything” attitude. I’ve always had an attitude problem though. My father has told me that since I was 10. What makes me think Im going to change now at 39? (I almost said 40… but i have a few more months in my thirties….)

Actually an interesting mindset a lot of them have is to be like “oh… there you are pain… I recognize you”. Sorta to know it’s coming. Accept it and then when it happens you can live with it. And then just shut up and deal with it. I sort of do that with my life. I dont know if I can do that with physical pain. Of course I think that assumes that a major part of the problem is a surprise it showed up… honestly that is not my problem. I expect it. Its not an expectation problem. It’s a PAIN problem. And I can make it stop by stopping. So why not?

Because in my head I believe with all my heart and soul that pain and learning to process through it will make you a stronger person.

No really.

Feel free to remind me of this belief.

Strange thought that ran through my mind while running today. I have long thick hair… I bet if I cut it off I could add 2 seconds to my running time. LOL I’m all about efficiency these days.

What I hate about running is that all “progress” is measured in seconds. Good lord, it takes MONTHS to shave off a minute. So not only is a run physically demanding for me, but it’s also mental torture because I can’t just be “good at it” – no immediate satisfaction when it comes to progress. Also I’m comparing myself to people who run marathons for *fun* and I just feel so inadequate. This is a growth opportunity right? It takes months before progress can be measured in minutes and I feel some sort of satisfaction. This is my chance to be evolved.

However… I did have some YAHOOs to share about my run today. At least when you are a beginner, you have huge opportunities for improvement. I don’t have to worry about diminishing returns for awhile. Heh.

Today’s run was 4.15 miles along the river. I did the same run on 1/28 and shaved 2.19 minutes per MILE off my time. How abouty *THAT*! PROGRESS friends!!! It’s sweet! Whoot. I’m still really slow but I’m a faster slow then walking now!

And I am especially proud of myself for getting my butt out there today. I felt so freaking tired this morning and I seriously considered bagging training today. This is my 6th day in a row of doing activity. And I am TIRED. But not hurting. Again, another thing to be happy about.

Last night: Did 1000m swim in 35 mins. I have no idea is that is good or bad. I didn’t push myself. That was stopping and taking a few breaths between sets and even talking a few times. I feel pretty good about the time.

Listening to today while running:

Get Me Bodied by Beyonce
A little sweat aint never hurt nobody
Why ya’ll standin on the wall?

I ran my first two miles today in less then 12:30 pace! Now… that might not sound like much to the average joe…. but for me this is BIG! My last mile and half was a lot of hills and averaged around 14.39…. but I am very very pleased! I really want to get to comfortable 12 min miles with hills. That means I have to shave off like 2 mins. off my time before beg of August. Can I do it? I am still walking many of the hills. If I can get to a 14:30 min pace on hills…. and then a 11:30 minute pace on flats… I think I can do it.

Last night I also swam 32 laps completely freestyle. Felt good. My aerobic endurance was better. I didn’t need as many breaths. Felt really good. We are staring down a very very busy weekend, but I am hoping I can fit a swim in somewhere.

YAY ME!!!

3.6 miles and it was hill work today. I was going to do a long flat run, but didn’t feel like driving to where it’s long and flat And it is GORGEOUS here. And I admit I am most worried about that big hill at the end of the Tri. If I don’t train for it now, it’s not going to be easy to do. Honestly, since I can’t do hills well now when I am not exhausted after swimming a half mile and then biking 12 miles and running for a half hour before facing the monstrousity. So I opted to do my neighborhood. I really must take pictures of these hills I am talking about. They are the kind of hills that wind you WALKING up them.

So today’s run was ok. I tried to work on some pacing. I did some intervals but was very tired today. Kids had me up several times last night and I just didn’t sleep well. But I did my run and overall it wasn’t too horrible. My paces on flats was great. My best pace was under 11! I’m trying to hold around 12:30 but am still struggling for how long I can hold it. Again, today probably wasn’t the best day to even look at that stuff because I was so tired. However, I comforted myself with the thought that this is perfect training. I feel tired and like crap and so that is how I am going to feel running after the other events. I’m training realistically! Because I walked a lot of the uphills today, it was great to see that my walking pace has improved time wise. I’ll take that improvement too. I think I’m walking slowly still from being fat. That I have never really adjusted my gait and/or balance for my new body type. I still move like a fat girl. Baby got back.

I also tried to convince myself that hills weren’t hell. Kept my focus down and tried to say positive things in my head about how they are wonderful and easy and I can do them. No go. My body screamed back at me I was an idiot.

I might go do more bike shopping today. I wish I could find someone who could just really help me pick the right bike. The information that is out there is so conflicted. Mostly because my objectives are conflicted: pleasure riding versus racing. I am leaning towards getting a lighter (ie more expensive) bike for the race because if I want to get a clunker to ride with the kids… I can buy one at a garage sale. Not so easy to buy a racing bike at a garage sale. And plus…. If I buy a decent racing bike… I can always sell it if I don’t race again.

Gah. So much of this bike buying business requires you to really be in touch with how the bike FEELS. That is how you are supposed to make a decision between bike X and bike Y. I am the queen of being out of touch with my body. I don’t know how things FEEL. I’m getting way better… but it’s a process right? Historically, I didn’t know what full felt like. I didn’t know what an endorphin high was. I didn’t know what hunger felt like. Hell… I didn’t even know that fat felt bad Sooooo…. to make a 500-1K buying decision on a “quick ride” on how something “FEELS” is totally uncomfy for me. I would much prefer to deal with this problem with LOGIC versus by how it FEELS. This type A woman feels squirrelly with all this “how does it feel” talk as the sole basis to make a decision because I honestly don’t think I have the skills to recognize the nuanced differences.

Ok… must go shower. Have a great day!

Surrender.

It’s a beautiful word isn’t it? It even sounds beautiful to the ear. The soft s blends perfectly into the rolling of the r’s into the gentle der at the end. Unfortunately for me, the actual process of surrender is never as easy or as beautiful as saying the word.

My whole life is about surrender by the way. If I could just master surrender, oh how easy life would be. Surrender would be my slave. Control would flood every corner of my universe and feel oh so good. Hmmm. Yes the irony of controlling surrender isn’t lost on me. Perhaps that is why I have such a difficult time with surrender. I am simply driven to try to control every aspect about it versus simply abandoning myself in it.

The triathlon is making me realize that I need to surrender my body issues. I can not get away from my body in this big training process. Every freaking waking moment is taken up thinking about exploiting the good and refining the bad. I am having a near anxiety attack over the thought of exercising in a hoard of women with even worse… crowds watching. Good Lord… what have I done? I am worried about my skin. I am worried about my weight. I am worried about what to wear. I am worried about what people will be thinking about my skin, weight and what I am wearing. I am worried more about other people’s judgments then I am about actually performing the stupid thing. Shouldn’t I be worried about my endurance? My strength? My abilities? I mean I have not done anything athletic in my *life* and what am I worried about? I’m worried about if I can find a swimsuit with a long enough torso and how fat I will look plugging away on a 3 mile run.

It is obviously time for me to give up my suffering over this body for happiness. My body is going to serve me in the event right? Who cares about vanity? About over achieving? About what the hell you are going to wear? What would happen if I simply let all this crap go and not worried about it? What if I boxed it all up and simply pushed way far back in my mind and focused instead on the joy of having my body work FOR me for once? Would it come back to haunt me because I didn’t process it? Is there a process to surrender or is it simply like jumping off a cliff? Once you are in a free fall of surrender, the laws of nature – like gravity – simply take over.

I do not know how to get past my issues about what other people think of me doing exercise. I feel judged. I do recognize that maybe I am creating chaos around what I will look like because I am uncomfortable and that chaos can be a distraction for me to focus on. If I focus on that, then I don’t have to focus on the fact I have put myself into three hours of pure hell that will test my body in ways I can not even contemplate – and even worse – I’m doing something I can not possibly do “well” in. The over achiver rarely puts herself in a place where she can not over achieve right? And that feels very uncomfy. Or maybe it’s just I know that my body image is still so screwed up I can’t comprehend how others really see me.

Perhaps that is the big lesson I am supposed to learn in all this. That in the throngs of 3500 people (4000 entries for the Tri…and it was only open for 4 days and they say 500 will drop out before it even begins) no one is going to be watching the former morbidly obese girl and thinking anything more then “wow… she’s doing it”. No one is going to be passing judgment on my jiggly legs, my saggy arms, or what cute outfit I am not wearing because they do not make them in fat giraffe sizes. Honestly Kym… no one cares.

Maybe it’s time for me to surrender to all this. Because if I am spending all my time focusing on what “might be in the future” or analyzing why I am so screwed up from my past — I am not really enjoying the present am I?

3 mile run today. 10.5 last week total. Tomorrow I’m going to swim. I was able to run halfway up the monster hill at the end of my run today. I count that as huge progress. I hate that fuckin hill. I am without my Garmin Forerunner as I shipped it back for them to figure out why the HRM isn’t working right and there is a certain freedom in not knowing how fast I am going. I have to really listen more to my body. It really is a skill I need to develop.

Did I tell you guys my husband bought me an Ipod Shuffle to celebrate me doing the Danskin Tri? I am listening to the Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. I love this audio book! Listening to it during my runs has been nothing short of transformative for me. It’s like yoga. Really centers me. It’s changing me. I love it. Highly recommend it. Especially if you are having any issues with any of your relationships in your life. I find listening to it while I sweat to be very cathartic!

Nothing much else going on right now. My life is blissfully balanced. Im enjoying the lack of drama for as long as it lasts!

4 miles on Monday.
No walking breaks.
No hills.
But Yay Me!

So it’s sunny here. And I haven’t run for ummm… I dunno… a week or something? Damn Flu. It messes with your body and your mind. I was so sure that today’s run was going to suck and I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I really had to muster up all my motivation. I am proud of myself that I got up this morning without giving myself time to hesitate, put on my Nike yoga pants, my CoolMax long sleeved shirt, my Ipod, laced up my Asaics 2110’s and out the door I went. Almost 3 miles. Took three walking breaks but I felt *good*. Mostly I think I felt good because I shipped my Garmin Forerunner back and so I didn’t have anything to tell me how freaking slow I was going. Ignorance is bliss for an over achiever.

I am going to be making a commitment to the Triathalon soon which require a more formal training plan. Until that time… i am still doing “maintainance” running. My only goal right now is maintaining my current level of fitness and not burning out. I am now able to do my three miles without being so freaking worn out at the end that I can’t do anything for the rest of the day.

Only took me a year to get here. Ha.

I ran. Yay me. I’m not feeling motivated these days so getting my white lard butt out there to run twice a week makes me feel all accomplished. I’m psyching myself up for my triathlon commitment.

There are several things about my running that went through my mind today as I listened to the pound of my feet against the payment to Bon Jovi. The first is that a big part of my training needs to simply be resetting my pain threshold. Actually, a more descriptive way to say it is building my discomfort threshold. Where exactly am I supposed to be? The whole “being able to converse” thing is very wishy-washy to me. I can converse between gasps of breath but I don’t like it. Apparently some people do. So they must have a higher discomfort threshold right? So I am thinking I am going to set my goal based on heart rate. However, I think even that is a bit weird for me. My heart rate stays the same when I am going 14 minutes a mile or 13.45 minutes a mile. I tend to be most comfortable around 155 beats a minute.

The whole “not knowing” where I am supposed to be and if I am doing it right is discomfort in and of itself. Perhaps that is part of the training type A’s need?

The next thing I thought about was awareness. If I am always focused on how fast I’m going, how far I’m going or how I am doing it… I don’t much have to focus on how it feels do I? I do think there is some connection for me in living in the present in running. The thing that brings me back to the present over and over again is pain. I wonder if that is what I love about it. Is it the predictability of the discomfort? Knowing that as much as it bothers me, I am going to get through it? The rush of the feeling of accomplishment after it’s through?

Another thing I thought about is that I really do have to get some semblance of what pace is what and how it feels. Perhaps I need to start with walking. I need to know the difference of how it “feels” for a 20 minute mile pace and a 16 minute mile pace. I can’t expect to know the difference between 14 and 13:45 if I can’t tell the difference between a 20 versus 16 can I?

And the other thing I thought about is that I have not really had a plan for my running. I don’t think I have been very efficient. I’m not sure that has even been a goal for me, but it’s interesting that I have taken this on without a “set plan” or “goal”. I’m not sure if that is something I should be proud of or not. Allowing myself that flexibility, I believe, has kept me “going” as I have been able to balance burnout. But I don’t feel like I have made great progress. Perhaps again this is an awareness problem. About one year ago I started running and I couldn’t run 3 minutes without stopping. I’ve actually completed 4 miles without stopping. So why don’t I see that as progress? I know why… because in my head, I’m completely focused on speed. Which is so ridiculous for a new runner to do…. Yet I can’t seem to get my mind out of it.

Ok… Im off to Costco. I need a dinner plan tonight. I need more apples.

I have nothing to say except that I did 12 miles last week.

Oh and that my ass hurts. I don’t see other people complaining about their hips and ass hurting. I must be weird. But the tops of my thighs where they connect with my ass??? Yeah. Pain.

Lucky for me I am married and I have a husband who is more then willing to massage my sore ass

Nice run this morning. 2.6 miles. I am running faster, but I pay for it at the end of my run because I just have nothing left. I’m not sure if I should be running faster or not but it feels good (not bad) while I’m doing it. So I’m running with it. Ha ha ha. But then when I can’t run as far… I feel bad. The pain is very focusing. Am I creating it for that reason? And it’s THEN I realized the difference my pace made. (I am not even aware of my pace unless I’m suffering… so what does that mean?) Actually, the running faster and farther is part of what I thought about today. Why do I focus on those two things so much? Are those really the right goals for my long-term horizon of simply being a balanced healthy person?

So there is some good thinking there. What should your perspective be when focusing on a goal? I think it depends on how long-term the goal is? Once you can evolve past just looking at the “day” and instead take a longer term time horizon… then your perspective changes.

My reason for running goals would look something like this:
:Faster runner that can run with my girlfriend
:Being a 10-15 mile a week runner
: Being a “runner”
:Being a healthy and fit person
:Being a balanced person

Would I be better served just focusing on the balance? Balance is my ultimate goal. If the other goals cause me to go out of balance am I focusing on the right things?

Today’s running thoughts were on recognizing balance. How does speed fit into balance? If you have never experienced balance how would you recognize it? If balance doesn’t come naturally to you wouldn’t you have to plan for it? How would you recognize that the middle actually feels good if the only time you were ever aware was at the extremes? What if you can’t distinguish the nuances in the extremes? I think one upping myself every day is what is feeling so good to me mentally. I think my emphasis on the actual measurable smaller goals (farther and faster) instead of the actual childlike joy of enjoying my passion is yet another symptom of how I use compulsion to navigate my life.

It’s interesting to extrapolate this to weight loss too. If you are trying to lose weight and you are solely focused on simply losing pound over pound…. Does it really serve the purpose of a lifestyle change in the long run? Can a person achieve a HUGE long term goal of a lifestyle change if they are focused just meal to meal, day to day, or pound to pound? And if that minutia focus is what gives you results the fastest… does fastest results really equal the best way to get from point A to point B in the long run?

Of course AA says “One day at a time”. And I do believe that is important. But that is at first. At some point there needs to be a shift to commitment after “white knuckling through it”. It’s not just commitment to a principle… it becomes a way of life. The amount of energy it takes to maintain it is easier. What is that shift and how does what you are focusing on play into that?

I believe, that like running, there is something to be said about building new habits in weight loss. That there is a point in time where regardless of motivation; you just have to do it. With running, it’s just putting on your shoes and clothes and going out the door. The rest just follows. With eating you gather up all your resources and put the effort into being aware of what you put in your mouth. You just restrict and you are minutely focused on losing weight day by day. But at some point (probably about the time you begin to feel like you are losing motivation (not at the 2 day mark but at the 3 week mark!), you have to dig deeper and shift your perspective and focus from the “day to day” to making the life shift. To being present.

Being present during the process and recognizing how the process is serving you and how it makes you feel better. Not after the fact… but during.

If your energy is focused on being present to accept your new goal isn’t that easier then trying to manage all the negative stuff you are sure will tip you over? If you know you are present then the negative stuff can be there…but you are centered.

I think that is what is happening with my running. I think I am tending to feel the joy only because I am pushing myself father and faster. I’m focusing on the “stuff” that is important but not really being present in the core. The core is what is going to make me a lifelong runner. I have yet to do one run that was slower or not farther since I started a year ago. What is with that? That is really a symptom of something wrong in my head. I’m being motivated not by the process but by the “rush” of the accomplishment of running faster or father instead of just realizing what the process gives me at the moment. Even during my run, I’m thinking about how fast I am going, who’s going to see me, how far I can go, etc. What does all that crap matter? And it’s not lost on me that the real issue here is no changing HOW I run but rather changing my perspective and goal of why I am running. My overall goal should be to experience the childlike joy in the freedom of running while doing it. That is what my striving to balanced life needs. Not to only savor the rush of being able to say “I did that” or “I am accomplishing that better then I thought.

So I think I need to start with little affirmations while I am running to really get into the moment. My new goal is not to run faster or farther. But simply to enjoy the moment. The moment can be 2 minutes it can be 2 miles. It can be 4 miles. It can be at a 16 minute pace or an 11 minute pace. I’m taking a small break from being accomplishment driven. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a plan. It just means right now the plan is to simply soak up what is around me.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to get a “rush” from improvement and accomplishment. If I didn’t have this gene in me, I wouldn’t be as successful as I am. But there is a piece missing here for me. That the underlying drive to push at all costs to achieve… is not healthy. And I think I need to get a handle on that compulsivity.

It’s a compulsion that other people happen to “respect” because it’s tied to success… but it’s still a compulsion.

Perhaps the reason I am always sore is because I am always pushing myself. This probably seems obvious to you my dear readers — but it was a lightbulb moment for me yesterday when I realized it.

So yesterday I ran 3 miles at a fast pace for me. (.3 mph faster then usual) Why couldn’t I just run and enjoy it for the sake of running? I hadn’t run in a week. Why not just enjoy it instead of tying a goal to it? So I realize that I want to always either run faster or farther then I did the time before. And I tend to not think its a “good run” unless I exceed my expectations. It’s me yet again immersing myself in my living in the extremes. The middle is never good enough. I’m enjoying the achievement instead of the process. Its like I don’t grasp the nuances of things…but only the really big swings from nothing to something.

Learning balance. It’s my life lesson I’m sure.

I’ve been dealing with some personal discomfort the past couple weeks that I know I need to have medical intervention. This physical discomfort brought me to my knees with regards to dealing with pain. I realized (after the fact) that I fell right back into using food to soothe me.

As I “piece apart” what happened and how I lost control of my eating yet again, I realize that all my coping skills are not good when used in the extreme. Coping skills really are best used like a narcotic. Used to “dull the pain” but not applied so liberally that they mask everything and risk brining on future problems. The coping skills in and of themselves could easily become a compulsion if not applied in a thoughtful, balanced way. Also, it is better to layer multiple coping skills for real effectiveness then to rely on just one. Using a couple brings better results that tend to last a bit longer. Sort of like layering Motrin and Tylenol when your kid has a fever.

Here are the ways I tend to cope with extreme stress:

1. I detach from whomever or whatever is bothering me. Actually since I have been focusing more on “feeling things” versus just “thinking things” this has been a bit more difficult. Hard to detach when your focus is on feelings.

2. I self medicate with food. Now I find the only time that is really difficult for me to control my eating disorder is when I am physically uncomfortable. Like recently my tooth bothered me and I found myself practicing mindless eating. I didn’t realize it till later but I was trying to self medicate my pain with the glorious carbo rush.

3. I self medicate with sex. Unfortunately for my husband, I don’t practice this one much anymore.

4. I distract myself with drama. I will hyper focus on one part of the problem, or one person and use that as something to distract myself from feeling. Anger is easier for me then emotional pain. I used to be pretty confrontational and create a personal drama. Now I like to think of myself more evolved. I am much more likely to use a “situational drama” versus a personal drama as a distraction. For example, instead of being angry at my friend, I will hyper focus on how my mom isn’t taking care of herself and try to focus on fixes for that ‘problem’ instead of the person.

5. I self mediate with purchasing. Ahhh the wonder of retail therapy. I still do this. I love the rush of buying things. I got this one under control after the birth of our daughter and I climbed out of debt. But I find myself even

6. I will clear my head with exercise. I tend now to like running best. I can think about a problem and search out metaphors for solving things during my runs. I also love doing mindless cardio too to lessen anxiety.

7. I will resort to an OCD type project. Like cleaning out the closet or junk drawer. Or cleaning my house. This is something that I will do when I am especially upset about something that is completely outside my control: like death or someone in the hospital.

8. Escapism. I will withdraw from everyone and simply escape. I will cocoon myself in my sanctuary, or I will practice a more literal escape mechanism like reading or going to the movies. When I am in pain I do not usually have the emotional fortitude to explain it to someone or reach out.

9. I will meditate and pray. I don’t practice this one as much as I should. In a throw back to my Christian upbringing, I can hear echoes of my pastor telling me how God is actually more impressed when we pray when it’s not so easy… ie. When we don’t need something. So since I’m not praying enough simply for his glory… I feel a bit guilty praying when I want something. And my daily meditation practice hasn’t been happening as of late.

10. Talking to friends. Actually this one is a bit hard for me too. When I am needy, I am just not good asking for help. I am much more likely to simply detach and deal with it myself. However when this does happen, I usually do feel a bit better – especially if I can fully engage and not be worried about how the other person is taking in the info.

Anyone else have any good coping skills for dealing with stress?

Ok… so the overall theme of the next year for me is “find more fun”. 2007 is going to be about fun. I think I tend to really love the rush of accomplishing something. This year, I’d like to do things to do them simply to enjoy them. Not just accomplish something. So like… I think I’m going to join Massage Envy for example. Because I’ve always loved massages… but would deny myself that because…well…why?

Anyway…here are some of my intentions for 2007

Health:
Take my supplements more religiously.
Lose another 10 lbs.
Run over 10 miles a week regularly

Spiritually
I know this is the place I need to focus on …but I don’t have measurable goals here yet. I think I want to find a more spiritual community. Hard to do because I don’t see a “church” as the right fit.

Financially
Make the time each day to better maintain the house in Florida job.
Do a rebalance of our portfolios.
Don’t just focus on saving but also on savoring.
Focus on just a few charities versus spreading it out. Have priorities when it comes to giving.

Relationships
Seek out new meaningful friendships that are not depleting or one sided
Focus on quality relationships not quantity.
More regular date nights with hubby.
Continue the commitment to making our marriage stronger

Passions
Focus on fun and have more of it.
Maybe do a mini-triathlon
Do more “girl-night outs”

Physical Environment
Pick out the one thing that will give me the most joy to make my home more of a sanctuary and do it.

So I’ve not been running. I’ve gone to the gym a few times but have not been very committed to my exercise routine. I’ve been immersed in the holidays. And honestly, I’ve never been good at being obsessed with more then one thing at once.

The scale shows no weight gain, but it does show “significant” body fat increases. I know partially this is a hydration issue. I have the double whammy of not hydrating well and the muscles aren’t “stressed” and thus aren’t holding water. I guess all those Christmas Cookies I have been eating are worthless in that department! Ha! So ladies and gents… after about 3 weeks of little to no running, the signs of fitness degradation are obvious. And I want to get out there and stop the progression before I slide down this slippery slope of comfy pants and big shirts….

I was going to get up and run this morning but there’s a couple inches of slushy snow outside so I won’t be risking injury. I was all motivated and then WHAM! the glare of white roof tops etched in my brain there will be no hills for you today. My parents leave tomorrow…the New Year starts in less then a week.

I can feel my motivation building though. My commitment returning. I think perhaps I need to find a race or something to give me something to train for… If I can get over the fact I still run at the pace a lot of people walk… the race could be my motivational miracle.

There were many firsts on this run:

1st time I ran 4.35 miles (yes it was well over an hour *sigh* will my speed ever increase!?!)
1 st time running 4 miles with hills
1st time running on busy roads where people might actually see my fat ass waddling down the road.
1st time someone I knew honked. (I assume they knew me… I couldn’t see who it was)
1st time I ran “far” and wasn’t worried about not making it back.
1st time I hurt my foot so badly at the end I walked with a limp (have no idea what happened but it’s not hurting now).
1st time running below 35 degrees
1st time running a new course.
1st time running with a new album on my Ipod. Nine by Daimen Rice. (love it! although its slow for running!)
1st time running in December.

Ok… so that last one was lame. But I wanted ten firsts

Have a great weekend!

4 miles today Walked twice. Last two miles were VERY SLOW. But I’m proud I went the distance. These were my thoughts about how running is like life.

1. You don’t make a whole lot of progress running if you are always turning around and looking at where you have been. You learn after your run is over… by looking at how you did overall and making adjustments. Maybe this is why our lives flash before our eyes when we die? That’s when we learn our big lessons?

2. You can define your run by what is happening at the moment or you can wait and take a more macro view. Just because it sucks in that moment… no sun, rain, you are tired, your feet hurt, whatever…. doesn’t mean that is what is going to define your whole run. Life is like that.

3. It’s important to stay present in the moment and enjoy each footfall. Just think about each moment. Not how the hell you are going to go for another mile. Spend as much time focusing on what is good as what needs adjustment.

4. Runs are better if you have a plan in place. Know where you going. You don’t want to waste precious energy making stupid decisions. If you have a clear plan before hand… you will make more progress.

5. You are what you train for. If you train on a treadmill, you can run on a treadmill. If you run on pavement, can you run on pavement. So it’s best to have lots of variety. The other important point is that HILLS will make running everthing else easier eventually. So it’s best to take the pain early and not put off learning to do them. Just like life… learn to push through the pain early and it will pay off later.

6. Tenacity can greatly compensate for skill.

7. Having a philosophy of why you are running is motivating and steering. It’s not just about the “how”… it’s about the “why”.

8. It’s ok to slow down, it’s ok to have distractions, it’s ok to have periods when you “check out” mentally.

9. Comparing yourself to others might help you improve your time, distance or form… but whether it helps you feel better about your run is hit or miss.

10. Running, like life, has a physical component… but the real tough stuff is mental.

There is sun!!! I am happy! I ran 3.25 miles today and I ran it faster then I have ever run outside before. FINALLY my body is starting to acclimate to outdoor running. I am so freaking slow! But today’s run was really good. One of those runs where you just feel the energy surging into you. I love it! What I thought about today was the fact that I do have another mental block about running that I am working through. And that is about distance.

Even though I have done it, I am afraid to go “farther” because I’m worried I am going to stuck somewhere. Sounds ridiculous, I know. But I guess I “managed” the amount of exertion that I put into moving my former 360 lb body… that I still out of habit manage my life a bit that way. So when I run… I tend to run in circles, in close proximity to where I need to get back to. I can take a “shortcut” and get back there will less effort if I need to. Which is really ridiculous… but I am more then capable of walking back. But without even realizing it… this is how I was managing my running. I’d stay on a treadmill. I’d run around the track.

I wonder how much of my life is like that. How many times I don’t venture out because I am worried about the effort or my ability to endure. Heh. More then I care to admit.

Now I am breaking free in so many ways.

Just thought I’d share that with you guys.

Today I’m going out to lunch with girlfriends to celebrate my birthday a week ago. Should be fun. Then I’m watching some kids after school because my friend has a doctor appointment.

On my todo list for today is:

• Get a family photography appointment
• Clean my house (Wednesday is chore day at our house)
• Goal: Laundry done! (will never happen)
• Get the clothes that don’t fit or I don’t wear out of my closet and all the crap that can be stored in the attic “moved to the attic”
• Figure out what appetizers I am going to serve for the party on Monday

Oye. Running is hard. I am in this phase right now where it is really really really hard to get my big ass out there on the road. You see I have transitioned from running on the treadmill to running on a padded track. And now I am running on asphalt. Pavement running? It’s harder on the body. I assumed because I was running over 3 miles on a padded track, that I would have no trouble transitioning to the road.

Oh I can be so pigheaded sometimes.

Turns out… road running is way harder. I don’t know if it’s the hills or the pavement or what… but until today’s run, it has been KILLING ME. We are talking massive soreness after my run. We are talking runs where I had to take walking breaks. We are talking runs where when I was finished, I felt like I didn’t improve over the last time. I was running shorter distances slower. It was and is, very demoralizing. This is really the first time I have had to push myself to get out there.

It’s cold. It’s wet. I’m slower. I feel fat. I feel like im not making any progress. Ugh. It’s hard to motivate yourself when you feel like that.

A week ago, I gave myself this pep talk about being more positive. It sorta worked. Maybe in other areas of my life. But not so much running. I just didn’t feel motivated to run.

It’s a dangerous place really. I feel myself on this slippery slope. I dont think I’d give up fitness but I do think I would take some time off….

Today my friend said she would meet me for coffee at Starbucks and we both ran there. Not together mind you… because she runs like a 9 min mile. But we met up. And it was motivating to get me out of the house. Anyway…. I did today’s run really slow. Just focused on moving and not beating myself up about my speed. It greatly helped.

I’m hoping I am over the hump. I ran 2.5 miles today. I ran 3.5 miles on Saturday. I know that doesn’t sound like I’m in a hump, but trust me I am. Today is the first day I feel like my hips aren’t killing me. So I feel like MAYBE I am actually making some progress. Maybe I can look at today (even though I went REALLY slow) as progress… that Im not hurting and my body is adapting.

Nothing sucks the joy out of running for me more then pain. I am a WIMP.

So… in good news, I got my DEXA scan results back. DEXA is a scan that measures bone density. Since I have an extremely distal weight loss surgery, it’s about impossible for me to put on bone. I take prescription Vitamin D and high levels of calcium, and even still, my blood work is showing my body is having to leach calcium from my bone. But my Dexa showed that I put bone ON in my hips. It’s almost a miracle really. I am very happy about that and attribute the success to running.

Wow. I guess Im becoming a weekend blogger. I just haven’t had much time otherwise. Things have been busy!

Kids have decided on their Halloween costumes. I actually figured out how to thread the damn sewing machine I bought two years ago and made Noah’s costume. I feel so …. June Cleaver Crafty! It was great fun. I even altered the pattern so I am feeling quite accomplished. The seams aren’t straight and the thread doesn’t match, but you know… it’s a Halloween Costume and I made it! Noah is thrilled.

I wasn’t so crafty with the others though.

Dinara is going to be Padme. I bought that one.
And Emma is going to be a witch with borrowed stuff from friends. She took my bribe of $10 bucks if she did a homemade costume versus me shelling out $30-$40 buying one. She said she’d rather have the money. She is my daughter after all.

I’ve been doing lots of crafty stuff lately. I’ve been doing some homemade cards, some digital scrap booking and of course some sewing. I am feeling really good about how in balance my time is this year. I have been able to engage more with the people I care about and that has felt good. Playing games with the kids, making soup for the neighbors, being able to keep on emails. Im in a good phase!

Next week is busy. Skating with the kids. Dexa Scan and Iron Infusion on Tuesday. Comcast coming to switch out to cable box. Creative fundraiser on Wednesday afternoon at school. Dinara’s doctor appointment. Friend’s party on Thursday. And a Staff Appreciation luncheon I’m chairing on Friday. I’ll be glad when this coming week is over.

This week exercise wise was just “ok”. I didn’t get as much mileage as I hoped. Maybe next week will be better.

Tuesday, October 3
ELLIPTICAL (Gym ). 3.0 miles. Time: 30:00 (10:00/mile).
Strength Training – machines and freeweights (Gym) Time: 45:00
Avg. HR: 120
NOTES: 30 mins on the elliptical;

Thursday, October 5
sun Temp: 54
RUNNING (Padded track ). 3.60 miles. Time: 48:40 (13:31/mile).
Training run.
NOTES: Physically was a difficult run because my hips are sore. I think I was overcompensating on one side so then my shin started hurting - but I pushed through it. I was faster and emotionally it was a good run. HR monitor didn’t cooperate but my body felt the same as it always does.

Saturday, October 7
YOGA (Gym ). Time: 1:30:00

RUNNING (Quick & Easy ). 0.50 miles. Time: 6:28 (12:56/mile).
Training run.
Avg. HR: 147
NOTES: Treadmill… Husband forgot my Ipod - so I was bored. And I was tired from Yoga so I only did a half mile.

Im in a hard place with the running right now. I am having motivational “issues”. I am still committed, but there are a bunch of other things I want to be doing instead of running. So… I am pushing through. Making myself workout at least 3x a week. In good news, I now have several pairs of pants that no longer fit (too big) and I feel great. So I am focusing on that payoff. Still holding at the 16 lbs lost. Have lost nothing else mostly because my workouts the past few weeks haven’t been to the “level”they were this summer and also because I’ve not been trying to “diet” per se.

Let’s see… what else is new.

Spoke with the doggie neurologist and he said the the outcomes for surgery on a dog this young are not good. He thinks that she did something like jumping off the couch that caused her nervous system to “freak” and predicted that things would settle. They have. She seems back to her “normal”. So we are going wait. He advised me that if her symptoms flair up again to try doggie acupuncture. He encouraged me to try EVERYTHING before surgery and really use surgery as a last resort. He said it’s complicated and it’s very hard on the dogs. So we wait.

Only have time for bullet points.

Ran 3 miles today. 12:15 minute mile if I didn’t miscount laps. Which might mean that maybe the iron is doing something? I dunno. I don’t feel like Im about to passout from running. I don’t feel as tired. So who knows.

My sister is here. Enjoying spending time with her. Found out she found my blog. Not sure how I feel about that. Not because I ever really have blogged about her (I dont think) but more that I am findable. I guess I really do need to go through and change all the names and everything.

Tonight we are going to WICKED. And to my favorite seafood place on the water. Yum.

My cleaning lady is here right now. And I love her. I love the high of a clean house.

I feel very tired today. But I ran.
Im liking the whole running outside thing. It’s going to make going back to the treadmill hard.

Padded track
3 miles
41:40 (13:53/mile)
Avg. HR: 150

I lost track of the laps again. I might have done (I thought I did!) 3.2 miles. But I’m putting up 3 miles because it’s closer to my last time and I can’t believe I was moving that much faster.

Training run
08:30 am
Padded track
3.00 miles WITHOUT WALKING!!!!
43:40 (14:33/mile)

Walked an additional .25 mile for warmup and cool down.
Also… very cool… my Avg. HR:
142!!

This included my cool down because I forgot to turn off my HRM… but still. Lovely. Lower HR is what I want to see!!!

Yay Me!!!! I broke the 2 mile mental barrier of running without walking!

2.2 MILES Outside
Without
Stopping
To Walk!

I might have even run 2.4 miles… but I sorta lost count of the stupid laps I was mucho slower (is that even possible? *sigh*) but I am way proud that I did it. I felt a lot better today too… could it be the sublingual B12 is making a difference?

Here are my stats:

Outside Padded Track
Sunny Day, beautiful weather, slight breeze
3.1 miles in 41.24 minutes
2.2 miles in approx 33.24 mins
HR went over 160 a couple of times.
HR averaged around 151 which is higher then it is on the TM and way higher then I want it to be.

Felt fabulous that I broke the 2 miles without walking barrier, even if I was going at a snails pace!

This is going to be very boring for folks who read my blog who are not WLS patients. So… those of you who aren’t… might just want to skip this one

I got my blood test results back. I went to a new PCP and well… lets just say I won’t be going back. I have an appointment with a new doctor (Hematologist/Internist) on the 14th.

At four years out from the Duodenal Switch, I am in the window when most severe deficiencies show up. Because my body has used up all it’s stores and the malabsorption in my gut can’t compensate.

I’ve been pretty compliant on my vitamins. Previously, I’ve had issues with the Magnesium, Calcium, PTH, Vitamin D balance. Vitamin D regulates the intestinal absorption of calcium, while PTH regulates the activation of vitamin D. In my case too little vitamin D imbalanced my calcium metabolism. So I am on prescription Vitamin D. This has done the trick in the past, although my PTH has never came back “normal”. I’ve simply forced myself to accept my new level of normal.

I am concerned about two main “irregularities” in my bloodwork that haven’t shown up before. My “Iron Binding Capacity” number is elevated. It’s 484 and the reference range is 250-400. I have checked previous years and it’s never been outside the range before. When I read about what this means, it seems like an elevated TIBC indicates an iron deficiency. But we wont know for sure till I get my Ferritin tested.

The other number I am concerned about is Methylmalonic Acid. I’ve never had t