Extraordinary Mundane

Life is going very well right now. I am happy and healthy and my life is in balance. We are getting ready to head to the beach for a long weekend. I am looking forward to some reconnecting time with my husband and spending time together with my kids. I have to say – I do so enjoy traveling with my family. I love the moments we create when we are on vacation. I am really looking forward to this little road trip.

We should be back on Sunday. Emma leaves Sunday night to go her first ever week of overnight camp. She’s excited. And the other two are heading to Day Camp next week.

This past weekend was great. We spent lots of time with good friends, we worked on our patio, we went and saw a movie and ate at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. It was by and large – a fantastic weekend. A big personal highlight of the weekend was that I did an 11 mile bike and then a 3 mile run. Oh sure… the run took me over 45 mins…. But I was really proud of the fact that I am anemic and was able to do it without taking any walking breaks and after my bike ride. I was really, really, really tired afterward… but my pride sustained me. And I find that I am not suffering the same delayed muscle pain that I battled last year.

Last night I had a great Yoga class. Breathing in Joy and exhaling Peace. It was a particularly challenging class — I think because I was so tight from my Saturday Bike/Run Brick…. But it felt so good. I worked up a great sweat and was really present. I was able to do more ab excercises and Sun Flow things. It was very rewarding to be able to move through things faster and with better form. But one of the real benefits and improvements I see in my Yoga practice – is that I am now able to be more appreciative of my body and what it can do for me instead of beating myself up for what it can’t. I am highly aware that I am now able to enjoy the journey from where I am at – to where I am going. Instead of beating myself into submission for not being where I think I should be. I realize – that I have a gift. I am tenacious and committed. I think I have always discounted the true value of my commitment to exercise and my athletic lifestyle. I didn’t feel like I was ever good enough to be called athletic. But it’s more about commitment then talent isn’t it? I have never really embraced and honored myself for what I have accomplished in the past 5 years. Very slowly – but surely – I have transformed myself. Not with talent or raw power – but with spirit and commitment. My commitment – slow, sure and steady is what has gotten me to where I am now.

Life is going well. I’m loving my summer. I’m pushing myself to do training and I’m starting to see a bit of improvement. I can at least tell I’m faster then I was last year in everything but running. My endurance still isn’t there though. But I figure with the untreated anemia — my results aren’t that bad. The anemia at least makes me not feel guilty about my naps :).

Here’s the training in a nutshell for the last few days.

6/28 14 mile bike - tried to stay above 15 mph… but no luck. Avg came in at 14.6

6/29 Rest day. But I did haul rock and work on my patio and do yoga at home. So the word “rest” is sort of a misnomer.

6/30 3 mile total run – 2 mile no stopping with hills.

7/1 Rest

Yesterday: Worked hard at my Yoga Class (I’m getting more upper body strength!) and 1/2 mile Swim Did two 200 meter intervals. The last interval I did at 4:13.

Today: Bike. 7 miles total. 3 mile time test. Came in at 11:11. Not great but good for me. And I averaged 15 mph! Whoot!

Tomorrow: Rest

Saturday: Run/Bike Brick. Im thinking it will be a 10 mile bike and a 2 mile run. Can I do it? Im not sure.

The cumulative effects of training are catching up with me. I’m really tired. I’m trying to push through to our vacation on Thursday. I figure i’ll get a few days of rest then!

Summer perfection: Great temps, not too hot, fresh cut grass, neighborhood playing hide and seek in the twilight shadows.

I ran yesterday and I made myself do a run tonight. My aerobic endurance is crap but I am proud of my tenacity. 12:50 mile with no stopping. This puts me in the neighborhood speed wise of last year I think… but I can’t run as far yet. I then also walked a mile and half.

Tomorrow is Yoga (yay!) and a swim. My husband is going to go with me. When my friend’s husband heard John was going to do it — he thinks he might too. Not sure he’s coming tomorrow or not, but my husband has committed to trying it for three times. Gotta love the guy! I’ll let you know how it goes!

Met the neighbors who moved in a couple months ago. We had emailed but today I stopped and talked. They are nice. They are from India. Nice to continue the United Nations on our neighborhood street.

Worked 9 hours today. Including hauling my arse out of bed at 6am. Glad I don’t have to do that too often.

Heading to Oregon on Thursday to pick up Denali.

Spent 10 full minutes tickling Dinara. I forgot how much she loves it.

Got Noah’s new bike working. For a kid who didn’t like to ride… we now can’t keep him off of it.

Ate lunch, in the sunshine, on my patio with my kids. Even though it’s a construction zone – I still love it.

I’ve gotten our first bid on the countertops. I think we’ll be able to complete the project by mid/end of July. I will then have no excuse to not have people over.

Summer Cherries. I love them.

I guess I have some sort of virus. IT SUCKS! The biggest symptom? Pervasive fatigue. I am talking about muscle aches like there is no tomorrow. Slightly sinusy. Hurts to even raise my arms above my head kinda tired. It needs to GO AWAY NOW. I didn’t work out yesterday or today. And I doubt Im going to do my swim tonight. This thing is bringing me down.

Enough about that. The only thing worse then having weakness is talking about it.

Interesting talk today about what you say to yourself when you are running or biking and you feel like you can’t go on any more. I’m reading about all these athletes who say all these positive things to themselves. Me… I say “hmmm. Let’s stop this”. I’m seeing how my mindset doesn’t match up with real athletes. I need to mirror their “go get ‘em you can do anything” attitude. I’ve always had an attitude problem though. My father has told me that since I was 10. What makes me think Im going to change now at 39? (I almost said 40… but i have a few more months in my thirties….)

Actually an interesting mindset a lot of them have is to be like “oh… there you are pain… I recognize you”. Sorta to know it’s coming. Accept it and then when it happens you can live with it. And then just shut up and deal with it. I sort of do that with my life. I dont know if I can do that with physical pain. Of course I think that assumes that a major part of the problem is a surprise it showed up… honestly that is not my problem. I expect it. Its not an expectation problem. It’s a PAIN problem. And I can make it stop by stopping. So why not?

Because in my head I believe with all my heart and soul that pain and learning to process through it will make you a stronger person.

No really.

Feel free to remind me of this belief.

Strange thought that ran through my mind while running today. I have long thick hair… I bet if I cut it off I could add 2 seconds to my running time. LOL I’m all about efficiency these days.

What I hate about running is that all “progress” is measured in seconds. Good lord, it takes MONTHS to shave off a minute. So not only is a run physically demanding for me, but it’s also mental torture because I can’t just be “good at it” – no immediate satisfaction when it comes to progress. Also I’m comparing myself to people who run marathons for *fun* and I just feel so inadequate. This is a growth opportunity right? It takes months before progress can be measured in minutes and I feel some sort of satisfaction. This is my chance to be evolved.

However… I did have some YAHOOs to share about my run today. At least when you are a beginner, you have huge opportunities for improvement. I don’t have to worry about diminishing returns for awhile. Heh.

Today’s run was 4.15 miles along the river. I did the same run on 1/28 and shaved 2.19 minutes per MILE off my time. How abouty *THAT*! PROGRESS friends!!! It’s sweet! Whoot. I’m still really slow but I’m a faster slow then walking now!

And I am especially proud of myself for getting my butt out there today. I felt so freaking tired this morning and I seriously considered bagging training today. This is my 6th day in a row of doing activity. And I am TIRED. But not hurting. Again, another thing to be happy about.

Last night: Did 1000m swim in 35 mins. I have no idea is that is good or bad. I didn’t push myself. That was stopping and taking a few breaths between sets and even talking a few times. I feel pretty good about the time.

Listening to today while running:

Get Me Bodied by Beyonce
A little sweat aint never hurt nobody
Why ya’ll standin on the wall?

I ran my first two miles today in less then 12:30 pace! Now… that might not sound like much to the average joe…. but for me this is BIG! My last mile and half was a lot of hills and averaged around 14.39…. but I am very very pleased! I really want to get to comfortable 12 min miles with hills. That means I have to shave off like 2 mins. off my time before beg of August. Can I do it? I am still walking many of the hills. If I can get to a 14:30 min pace on hills…. and then a 11:30 minute pace on flats… I think I can do it.

Last night I also swam 32 laps completely freestyle. Felt good. My aerobic endurance was better. I didn’t need as many breaths. Felt really good. We are staring down a very very busy weekend, but I am hoping I can fit a swim in somewhere.

YAY ME!!!

3.6 miles and it was hill work today. I was going to do a long flat run, but didn’t feel like driving to where it’s long and flat And it is GORGEOUS here. And I admit I am most worried about that big hill at the end of the Tri. If I don’t train for it now, it’s not going to be easy to do. Honestly, since I can’t do hills well now when I am not exhausted after swimming a half mile and then biking 12 miles and running for a half hour before facing the monstrousity. So I opted to do my neighborhood. I really must take pictures of these hills I am talking about. They are the kind of hills that wind you WALKING up them.

So today’s run was ok. I tried to work on some pacing. I did some intervals but was very tired today. Kids had me up several times last night and I just didn’t sleep well. But I did my run and overall it wasn’t too horrible. My paces on flats was great. My best pace was under 11! I’m trying to hold around 12:30 but am still struggling for how long I can hold it. Again, today probably wasn’t the best day to even look at that stuff because I was so tired. However, I comforted myself with the thought that this is perfect training. I feel tired and like crap and so that is how I am going to feel running after the other events. I’m training realistically! Because I walked a lot of the uphills today, it was great to see that my walking pace has improved time wise. I’ll take that improvement too. I think I’m walking slowly still from being fat. That I have never really adjusted my gait and/or balance for my new body type. I still move like a fat girl. Baby got back.

I also tried to convince myself that hills weren’t hell. Kept my focus down and tried to say positive things in my head about how they are wonderful and easy and I can do them. No go. My body screamed back at me I was an idiot.

I might go do more bike shopping today. I wish I could find someone who could just really help me pick the right bike. The information that is out there is so conflicted. Mostly because my objectives are conflicted: pleasure riding versus racing. I am leaning towards getting a lighter (ie more expensive) bike for the race because if I want to get a clunker to ride with the kids… I can buy one at a garage sale. Not so easy to buy a racing bike at a garage sale. And plus…. If I buy a decent racing bike… I can always sell it if I don’t race again.

Gah. So much of this bike buying business requires you to really be in touch with how the bike FEELS. That is how you are supposed to make a decision between bike X and bike Y. I am the queen of being out of touch with my body. I don’t know how things FEEL. I’m getting way better… but it’s a process right? Historically, I didn’t know what full felt like. I didn’t know what an endorphin high was. I didn’t know what hunger felt like. Hell… I didn’t even know that fat felt bad Sooooo…. to make a 500-1K buying decision on a “quick ride” on how something “FEELS” is totally uncomfy for me. I would much prefer to deal with this problem with LOGIC versus by how it FEELS. This type A woman feels squirrelly with all this “how does it feel” talk as the sole basis to make a decision because I honestly don’t think I have the skills to recognize the nuanced differences.

Ok… must go shower. Have a great day!

3 mile run today. 10.5 last week total. Tomorrow I’m going to swim. I was able to run halfway up the monster hill at the end of my run today. I count that as huge progress. I hate that fuckin hill. I am without my Garmin Forerunner as I shipped it back for them to figure out why the HRM isn’t working right and there is a certain freedom in not knowing how fast I am going. I have to really listen more to my body. It really is a skill I need to develop.

Did I tell you guys my husband bought me an Ipod Shuffle to celebrate me doing the Danskin Tri? I am listening to the Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. I love this audio book! Listening to it during my runs has been nothing short of transformative for me. It’s like yoga. Really centers me. It’s changing me. I love it. Highly recommend it. Especially if you are having any issues with any of your relationships in your life. I find listening to it while I sweat to be very cathartic!

Nothing much else going on right now. My life is blissfully balanced. Im enjoying the lack of drama for as long as it lasts!

4 miles on Monday.
No walking breaks.
No hills.
But Yay Me!

So it’s sunny here. And I haven’t run for ummm… I dunno… a week or something? Damn Flu. It messes with your body and your mind. I was so sure that today’s run was going to suck and I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I really had to muster up all my motivation. I am proud of myself that I got up this morning without giving myself time to hesitate, put on my Nike yoga pants, my CoolMax long sleeved shirt, my Ipod, laced up my Asaics 2110’s and out the door I went. Almost 3 miles. Took three walking breaks but I felt *good*. Mostly I think I felt good because I shipped my Garmin Forerunner back and so I didn’t have anything to tell me how freaking slow I was going. Ignorance is bliss for an over achiever.

I am going to be making a commitment to the Triathalon soon which require a more formal training plan. Until that time… i am still doing “maintainance” running. My only goal right now is maintaining my current level of fitness and not burning out. I am now able to do my three miles without being so freaking worn out at the end that I can’t do anything for the rest of the day.

Only took me a year to get here. Ha.

I ran. Yay me. I’m not feeling motivated these days so getting my white lard butt out there to run twice a week makes me feel all accomplished. I’m psyching myself up for my triathlon commitment.

There are several things about my running that went through my mind today as I listened to the pound of my feet against the payment to Bon Jovi. The first is that a big part of my training needs to simply be resetting my pain threshold. Actually, a more descriptive way to say it is building my discomfort threshold. Where exactly am I supposed to be? The whole “being able to converse” thing is very wishy-washy to me. I can converse between gasps of breath but I don’t like it. Apparently some people do. So they must have a higher discomfort threshold right? So I am thinking I am going to set my goal based on heart rate. However, I think even that is a bit weird for me. My heart rate stays the same when I am going 14 minutes a mile or 13.45 minutes a mile. I tend to be most comfortable around 155 beats a minute.

The whole “not knowing” where I am supposed to be and if I am doing it right is discomfort in and of itself. Perhaps that is part of the training type A’s need?

The next thing I thought about was awareness. If I am always focused on how fast I’m going, how far I’m going or how I am doing it… I don’t much have to focus on how it feels do I? I do think there is some connection for me in living in the present in running. The thing that brings me back to the present over and over again is pain. I wonder if that is what I love about it. Is it the predictability of the discomfort? Knowing that as much as it bothers me, I am going to get through it? The rush of the feeling of accomplishment after it’s through?

Another thing I thought about is that I really do have to get some semblance of what pace is what and how it feels. Perhaps I need to start with walking. I need to know the difference of how it “feels” for a 20 minute mile pace and a 16 minute mile pace. I can’t expect to know the difference between 14 and 13:45 if I can’t tell the difference between a 20 versus 16 can I?

And the other thing I thought about is that I have not really had a plan for my running. I don’t think I have been very efficient. I’m not sure that has even been a goal for me, but it’s interesting that I have taken this on without a “set plan” or “goal”. I’m not sure if that is something I should be proud of or not. Allowing myself that flexibility, I believe, has kept me “going” as I have been able to balance burnout. But I don’t feel like I have made great progress. Perhaps again this is an awareness problem. About one year ago I started running and I couldn’t run 3 minutes without stopping. I’ve actually completed 4 miles without stopping. So why don’t I see that as progress? I know why… because in my head, I’m completely focused on speed. Which is so ridiculous for a new runner to do…. Yet I can’t seem to get my mind out of it.

Ok… Im off to Costco. I need a dinner plan tonight. I need more apples.

I have nothing to say except that I did 12 miles last week.

Oh and that my ass hurts. I don’t see other people complaining about their hips and ass hurting. I must be weird. But the tops of my thighs where they connect with my ass??? Yeah. Pain.

Lucky for me I am married and I have a husband who is more then willing to massage my sore ass

Nice run this morning. 2.6 miles. I am running faster, but I pay for it at the end of my run because I just have nothing left. I’m not sure if I should be running faster or not but it feels good (not bad) while I’m doing it. So I’m running with it. Ha ha ha. But then when I can’t run as far… I feel bad. The pain is very focusing. Am I creating it for that reason? And it’s THEN I realized the difference my pace made. (I am not even aware of my pace unless I’m suffering… so what does that mean?) Actually, the running faster and farther is part of what I thought about today. Why do I focus on those two things so much? Are those really the right goals for my long-term horizon of simply being a balanced healthy person?

So there is some good thinking there. What should your perspective be when focusing on a goal? I think it depends on how long-term the goal is? Once you can evolve past just looking at the “day” and instead take a longer term time horizon… then your perspective changes.

My reason for running goals would look something like this:
:Faster runner that can run with my girlfriend
:Being a 10-15 mile a week runner
: Being a “runner”
:Being a healthy and fit person
:Being a balanced person

Would I be better served just focusing on the balance? Balance is my ultimate goal. If the other goals cause me to go out of balance am I focusing on the right things?

Today’s running thoughts were on recognizing balance. How does speed fit into balance? If you have never experienced balance how would you recognize it? If balance doesn’t come naturally to you wouldn’t you have to plan for it? How would you recognize that the middle actually feels good if the only time you were ever aware was at the extremes? What if you can’t distinguish the nuances in the extremes? I think one upping myself every day is what is feeling so good to me mentally. I think my emphasis on the actual measurable smaller goals (farther and faster) instead of the actual childlike joy of enjoying my passion is yet another symptom of how I use compulsion to navigate my life.

It’s interesting to extrapolate this to weight loss too. If you are trying to lose weight and you are solely focused on simply losing pound over pound…. Does it really serve the purpose of a lifestyle change in the long run? Can a person achieve a HUGE long term goal of a lifestyle change if they are focused just meal to meal, day to day, or pound to pound? And if that minutia focus is what gives you results the fastest… does fastest results really equal the best way to get from point A to point B in the long run?

Of course AA says “One day at a time”. And I do believe that is important. But that is at first. At some point there needs to be a shift to commitment after “white knuckling through it”. It’s not just commitment to a principle… it becomes a way of life. The amount of energy it takes to maintain it is easier. What is that shift and how does what you are focusing on play into that?

I believe, that like running, there is something to be said about building new habits in weight loss. That there is a point in time where regardless of motivation; you just have to do it. With running, it’s just putting on your shoes and clothes and going out the door. The rest just follows. With eating you gather up all your resources and put the effort into being aware of what you put in your mouth. You just restrict and you are minutely focused on losing weight day by day. But at some point (probably about the time you begin to feel like you are losing motivation (not at the 2 day mark but at the 3 week mark!), you have to dig deeper and shift your perspective and focus from the “day to day” to making the life shift. To being present.

Being present during the process and recognizing how the process is serving you and how it makes you feel better. Not after the fact… but during.

If your energy is focused on being present to accept your new goal isn’t that easier then trying to manage all the negative stuff you are sure will tip you over? If you know you are present then the negative stuff can be there…but you are centered.

I think that is what is happening with my running. I think I am tending to feel the joy only because I am pushing myself father and faster. I’m focusing on the “stuff” that is important but not really being present in the core. The core is what is going to make me a lifelong runner. I have yet to do one run that was slower or not farther since I started a year ago. What is with that? That is really a symptom of something wrong in my head. I’m being motivated not by the process but by the “rush” of the accomplishment of running faster or father instead of just realizing what the process gives me at the moment. Even during my run, I’m thinking about how fast I am going, who’s going to see me, how far I can go, etc. What does all that crap matter? And it’s not lost on me that the real issue here is no changing HOW I run but rather changing my perspective and goal of why I am running. My overall goal should be to experience the childlike joy in the freedom of running while doing it. That is what my striving to balanced life needs. Not to only savor the rush of being able to say “I did that” or “I am accomplishing that better then I thought.

So I think I need to start with little affirmations while I am running to really get into the moment. My new goal is not to run faster or farther. But simply to enjoy the moment. The moment can be 2 minutes it can be 2 miles. It can be 4 miles. It can be at a 16 minute pace or an 11 minute pace. I’m taking a small break from being accomplishment driven. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a plan. It just means right now the plan is to simply soak up what is around me.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to get a “rush” from improvement and accomplishment. If I didn’t have this gene in me, I wouldn’t be as successful as I am. But there is a piece missing here for me. That the underlying drive to push at all costs to achieve… is not healthy. And I think I need to get a handle on that compulsivity.

It’s a compulsion that other people happen to “respect” because it’s tied to success… but it’s still a compulsion.

Perhaps the reason I am always sore is because I am always pushing myself. This probably seems obvious to you my dear readers — but it was a lightbulb moment for me yesterday when I realized it.

So yesterday I ran 3 miles at a fast pace for me. (.3 mph faster then usual) Why couldn’t I just run and enjoy it for the sake of running? I hadn’t run in a week. Why not just enjoy it instead of tying a goal to it? So I realize that I want to always either run faster or farther then I did the time before. And I tend to not think its a “good run” unless I exceed my expectations. It’s me yet again immersing myself in my living in the extremes. The middle is never good enough. I’m enjoying the achievement instead of the process. Its like I don’t grasp the nuances of things…but only the really big swings from nothing to something.

Learning balance. It’s my life lesson I’m sure.

So I’ve not been running. I’ve gone to the gym a few times but have not been very committed to my exercise routine. I’ve been immersed in the holidays. And honestly, I’ve never been good at being obsessed with more then one thing at once.

The scale shows no weight gain, but it does show “significant” body fat increases. I know partially this is a hydration issue. I have the double whammy of not hydrating well and the muscles aren’t “stressed” and thus aren’t holding water. I guess all those Christmas Cookies I have been eating are worthless in that department! Ha! So ladies and gents… after about 3 weeks of little to no running, the signs of fitness degradation are obvious. And I want to get out there and stop the progression before I slide down this slippery slope of comfy pants and big shirts….

I was going to get up and run this morning but there’s a couple inches of slushy snow outside so I won’t be risking injury. I was all motivated and then WHAM! the glare of white roof tops etched in my brain there will be no hills for you today. My parents leave tomorrow…the New Year starts in less then a week.

I can feel my motivation building though. My commitment returning. I think perhaps I need to find a race or something to give me something to train for… If I can get over the fact I still run at the pace a lot of people walk… the race could be my motivational miracle.

There were many firsts on this run:

1st time I ran 4.35 miles (yes it was well over an hour *sigh* will my speed ever increase!?!)
1 st time running 4 miles with hills
1st time running on busy roads where people might actually see my fat ass waddling down the road.
1st time someone I knew honked. (I assume they knew me… I couldn’t see who it was)
1st time I ran “far” and wasn’t worried about not making it back.
1st time I hurt my foot so badly at the end I walked with a limp (have no idea what happened but it’s not hurting now).
1st time running below 35 degrees
1st time running a new course.
1st time running with a new album on my Ipod. Nine by Daimen Rice. (love it! although its slow for running!)
1st time running in December.

Ok… so that last one was lame. But I wanted ten firsts

Have a great weekend!

4 miles today Walked twice. Last two miles were VERY SLOW. But I’m proud I went the distance. These were my thoughts about how running is like life.

1. You don’t make a whole lot of progress running if you are always turning around and looking at where you have been. You learn after your run is over… by looking at how you did overall and making adjustments. Maybe this is why our lives flash before our eyes when we die? That’s when we learn our big lessons?

2. You can define your run by what is happening at the moment or you can wait and take a more macro view. Just because it sucks in that moment… no sun, rain, you are tired, your feet hurt, whatever…. doesn’t mean that is what is going to define your whole run. Life is like that.

3. It’s important to stay present in the moment and enjoy each footfall. Just think about each moment. Not how the hell you are going to go for another mile. Spend as much time focusing on what is good as what needs adjustment.

4. Runs are better if you have a plan in place. Know where you going. You don’t want to waste precious energy making stupid decisions. If you have a clear plan before hand… you will make more progress.

5. You are what you train for. If you train on a treadmill, you can run on a treadmill. If you run on pavement, can you run on pavement. So it’s best to have lots of variety. The other important point is that HILLS will make running everthing else easier eventually. So it’s best to take the pain early and not put off learning to do them. Just like life… learn to push through the pain early and it will pay off later.

6. Tenacity can greatly compensate for skill.

7. Having a philosophy of why you are running is motivating and steering. It’s not just about the “how”… it’s about the “why”.

8. It’s ok to slow down, it’s ok to have distractions, it’s ok to have periods when you “check out” mentally.

9. Comparing yourself to others might help you improve your time, distance or form… but whether it helps you feel better about your run is hit or miss.

10. Running, like life, has a physical component… but the real tough stuff is mental.

There is sun!!! I am happy! I ran 3.25 miles today and I ran it faster then I have ever run outside before. FINALLY my body is starting to acclimate to outdoor running. I am so freaking slow! But today’s run was really good. One of those runs where you just feel the energy surging into you. I love it! What I thought about today was the fact that I do have another mental block about running that I am working through. And that is about distance.

Even though I have done it, I am afraid to go “farther” because I’m worried I am going to stuck somewhere. Sounds ridiculous, I know. But I guess I “managed” the amount of exertion that I put into moving my former 360 lb body… that I still out of habit manage my life a bit that way. So when I run… I tend to run in circles, in close proximity to where I need to get back to. I can take a “shortcut” and get back there will less effort if I need to. Which is really ridiculous… but I am more then capable of walking back. But without even realizing it… this is how I was managing my running. I’d stay on a treadmill. I’d run around the track.

I wonder how much of my life is like that. How many times I don’t venture out because I am worried about the effort or my ability to endure. Heh. More then I care to admit.

Now I am breaking free in so many ways.

Just thought I’d share that with you guys.

Today I’m going out to lunch with girlfriends to celebrate my birthday a week ago. Should be fun. Then I’m watching some kids after school because my friend has a doctor appointment.

On my todo list for today is:

• Get a family photography appointment
• Clean my house (Wednesday is chore day at our house)
• Goal: Laundry done! (will never happen)
• Get the clothes that don’t fit or I don’t wear out of my closet and all the crap that can be stored in the attic “moved to the attic”
• Figure out what appetizers I am going to serve for the party on Monday

Oye. Running is hard. I am in this phase right now where it is really really really hard to get my big ass out there on the road. You see I have transitioned from running on the treadmill to running on a padded track. And now I am running on asphalt. Pavement running? It’s harder on the body. I assumed because I was running over 3 miles on a padded track, that I would have no trouble transitioning to the road.

Oh I can be so pigheaded sometimes.

Turns out… road running is way harder. I don’t know if it’s the hills or the pavement or what… but until today’s run, it has been KILLING ME. We are talking massive soreness after my run. We are talking runs where I had to take walking breaks. We are talking runs where when I was finished, I felt like I didn’t improve over the last time. I was running shorter distances slower. It was and is, very demoralizing. This is really the first time I have had to push myself to get out there.

It’s cold. It’s wet. I’m slower. I feel fat. I feel like im not making any progress. Ugh. It’s hard to motivate yourself when you feel like that.

A week ago, I gave myself this pep talk about being more positive. It sorta worked. Maybe in other areas of my life. But not so much running. I just didn’t feel motivated to run.

It’s a dangerous place really. I feel myself on this slippery slope. I dont think I’d give up fitness but I do think I would take some time off….

Today my friend said she would meet me for coffee at Starbucks and we both ran there. Not together mind you… because she runs like a 9 min mile. But we met up. And it was motivating to get me out of the house. Anyway…. I did today’s run really slow. Just focused on moving and not beating myself up about my speed. It greatly helped.

I’m hoping I am over the hump. I ran 2.5 miles today. I ran 3.5 miles on Saturday. I know that doesn’t sound like I’m in a hump, but trust me I am. Today is the first day I feel like my hips aren’t killing me. So I feel like MAYBE I am actually making some progress. Maybe I can look at today (even though I went REALLY slow) as progress… that Im not hurting and my body is adapting.

Nothing sucks the joy out of running for me more then pain. I am a WIMP.

So… in good news, I got my DEXA scan results back. DEXA is a scan that measures bone density. Since I have an extremely distal weight loss surgery, it’s about impossible for me to put on bone. I take prescription Vitamin D and high levels of calcium, and even still, my blood work is showing my body is having to leach calcium from my bone. But my Dexa showed that I put bone ON in my hips. It’s almost a miracle really. I am very happy about that and attribute the success to running.

Only have time for bullet points.

Ran 3 miles today. 12:15 minute mile if I didn’t miscount laps. Which might mean that maybe the iron is doing something? I dunno. I don’t feel like Im about to passout from running. I don’t feel as tired. So who knows.

My sister is here. Enjoying spending time with her. Found out she found my blog. Not sure how I feel about that. Not because I ever really have blogged about her (I dont think) but more that I am findable. I guess I really do need to go through and change all the names and everything.

Tonight we are going to WICKED. And to my favorite seafood place on the water. Yum.

My cleaning lady is here right now. And I love her. I love the high of a clean house.

I feel very tired today. But I ran.
Im liking the whole running outside thing. It’s going to make going back to the treadmill hard.

Padded track
3 miles
41:40 (13:53/mile)
Avg. HR: 150

I lost track of the laps again. I might have done (I thought I did!) 3.2 miles. But I’m putting up 3 miles because it’s closer to my last time and I can’t believe I was moving that much faster.

Training run
08:30 am
Padded track
3.00 miles WITHOUT WALKING!!!!
43:40 (14:33/mile)

Walked an additional .25 mile for warmup and cool down.
Also… very cool… my Avg. HR:
142!!

This included my cool down because I forgot to turn off my HRM… but still. Lovely. Lower HR is what I want to see!!!

Yay Me!!!! I broke the 2 mile mental barrier of running without walking!

2.2 MILES Outside
Without
Stopping
To Walk!

I might have even run 2.4 miles… but I sorta lost count of the stupid laps I was mucho slower (is that even possible? *sigh*) but I am way proud that I did it. I felt a lot better today too… could it be the sublingual B12 is making a difference?

Here are my stats:

Outside Padded Track
Sunny Day, beautiful weather, slight breeze
3.1 miles in 41.24 minutes
2.2 miles in approx 33.24 mins
HR went over 160 a couple of times.
HR averaged around 151 which is higher then it is on the TM and way higher then I want it to be.

Felt fabulous that I broke the 2 miles without walking barrier, even if I was going at a snails pace!

There are no achievements today. Other then the fact I did the run.

Did my 3.1 miles in 45 mins.
Did 1.5 miles in 22 min 15 seconds
Ran that mile and half with no stopping

Running thougths today:

1. I like running because it’s so hard. Success, no matter how I define it, is slow and hard won - its something that doens’t come easily to me.

2. I spoke to the willowy blonde runner today. She’s only been running 2 years and is doing half marathons and marathons. I’ve been running 7 months and can’t run a 5K without stopping yet. Fuck. So…. that was depressing. And I realized that thin people get fitness results WAY faster then normal people. And it depresses me yet again that weight plays more a role in reality then I care to admit.

Good run today. Felt strong.
Ran 3.1 miles with 3 walk breaks in 43 minutes.
Ran without stopping 1.75 miles
Ran first mile in 13:30

Today’s running epiphany:
When you deal with repetitive pain (like running)
that you can’t make stop, eventually you build up
a resistance to it. You learn to deal with it and move
your mind to a place where it no longer thought of as
pain, but rather simply part of nature. Pain gets
integrated into your normal. Your coping skills
become refined.

You don’t really have to acknowledge it to deal with
it. You don’t have to give it more power over you by
recognizing it as pain. Denial actually is a good coping
skill sometimes when practiced in measured amounts.

My goal right now is to get to the point of being able to run 3 miles without stopping. It’s more a mental goal then a physical one I think. I can’t seem to shut off the screaming in my head that says “You can walk… who cares?” So my plan is to just slowly increase the time I run without walk breaks.

Also my gym is closed next week when the kids start school, so I am going to run outside. Alone. And if the gods are smiling on me, I wont see anyone I know.

Sometimes beautiful things come to me while I am running. Not always… sometimes the whole run is simply my body screaming at me to make the pain stop But today I was able to think about the metrics by which I measure my success in running.

Back a few years ago — we had a trainer for our dog when she was about 8 months old. The training was really more training for us then for her. Let’s just say we both learned a lot. The trainer came everyday and put us both through the paces.

What was really good about the training was that this guy really had a good understanding of how dogs learn. How simple they are. And he gave really interesting perspective on how to make training (and habits) stick for dogs…. and simple humans I guess. He really focused us on thinking about how to make the things we were teaching our dog “stick”. How to train so that the training became second nature. Habit.

I’m going to use teaching a dog to “sit” as an example. When you are teaching a dog to sit, you have to do it in a variety of places and under a lot of different conditions. You have to teach them that when you say SIT it means sit even if you are on carpet, grass, asphalt, or in the car. You have to teach them that sit means sit whether it’s raining or sunny. You have to teach them they have to do it whether they are running at full speed or at a slow walk. Sit means sit if the TV is on or if there is a cat. You have to teach them that you mean sit no matter what. To get them to really understand what sit is, you have to expose them to a bunch of different conditions.

I figure out a way to run when I have no childcare. I have run in the extreme heat in Florida. I braved the hills in NJ. I joined a gym in Florida. I am back at the gym even though I’ve been sick for a week. I have gotten myself up early so I can run in the mornings. I have run at night. Not death or grief has stopped me. I have not let other commitments take higher priority then my health. I have not let any relationship “issues” with other people pull me away from running. I have spontaeously fit excercise into my life. I’ve not been derailed by all the normal things that usually derail me. It’s now been more then 7 months and I have stuck with it. Considering that 60% of adults are not active at all. And more then 95% of adults who commit to exercise 3x a week fall off the wagon before month 4…

Let me just say: I am very proud of myself.

When I was running today, I really allowed myself to bathe in the glow of the success of knowing that I have made this commitment and it’s sticking. It’s easy for me to focus my metrics of success on speed, distance or endurance. But in truth, the real success that I need to claim is that I have made fitness a part of my life under a variety of conditions. I am commited. I am not just paying fitness commitment lipservice.

So I didn’t run as far as I wanted today.
I didn’t run as fast as I wanted to today.
I wasn’t able to run as far without walking as I wanted.
But I ran. And I put in 50 mins of activity and have done so regularly since end of January.

And that is quite an accomplishment for anyone…. let alone a former 360 lb fat girl

Ran and walked 2.5 miles in 34 minutes.
Ran without walking for 1.3 miles.

And it was an EASY run till 1.25 miles. Effortless almost. I loved that! But then I started getting light headed and dizzy. (My bodyfat was up this morning so I’m assuming this is a hydration issue for me. Something I constantly struggle with because of my surgery). Anyway… since my nodes are still swollen and I even still have a slight earache… I didn’t push it. I dont want to relapse into virus hell.

Finished my workout with 15 minutes on the elliptical at a slow 60% heart rate.

When I was in Florida, my cousin begged me to take workout classes with her. Being in a room with some perky instructor watching me struggle with lunges and squats is about as far removed from joy as I can get. What makes it worse? My cousin is fit. Very fit. She works out 5 times a week about two hours a day. Working out next to her sorta feels like Beauty and the Beast. She’s definitely in the teacher role and I am the grasshopper. And I’m sure you find this hard to believe…but I much prefer to be in the expert role versus the trainee role. Ha!

Anyway my cousin is beyond thrilled that I am exercising. She knows how far I have come and is very proud of me. She loved that there was someone else who shared her commitment to good health on this trip. But I could tell she was hurt that I didn’t want to do the same things she did or take classes with her. To her, exercising is joyful and thus she wants to share the joy. She see I feel joy…and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to share that with her at the same time doing the same thing. I didn’t want to be in the “grasshopper role”. I wanted to continue to live in the illusion that I am more fit then 75% of the people at the gym. Being next to her is a constant reminder of everything I am not. I wanted to exercise next to the fat people — where I felt comfortable and where I was the over achiever. . I did not want to exercise next to someone whose abs could be plastered on the front of SHAPE.

But of course, there is no easy way to explain how I feel in a casual conversation. It requires me to go deep and really expose the vulnerabilities I feel about exercising and my emotional shortcomings. It requires me to admit how much pain came with being 360 pounds and how much I denial I used to get through it. I didn’t exercise because to do so was not only physically difficult (in ways you can’t even imagine!), but I, in fact was worried what everyone else thought of me. Oh sure, I told everyone I didn’t care what people thought…but I went out of my way to minimize the opportunities for those judgements. I minimized and denied. And as hard as it is to admit, I recognize that I still have some big emotional mountains to climb. I recognize that I am still using denial as a coping skill when it comes to exercising with others or in front of others. I still feel fat. I still feel judged. And I still feel inadequate. Easier to just not take myself there.

I wish I could explain to folks the mental aerobics I still struggle with when it comes to exercising. I am still learning that there is joy that comes from exercising. I am having to reroute years and years of denial and listening to my body. I have to use every ounce of brainpower to focus on the task at hand and get through it. So I don’t look at this as me outright denying that I will ever exercise with others…but rather that it’s just not “right now.” I’m working on the other stuff first.

Yeah…that sounds good. Let’s go with that.

When I exercise with others, it then becomes about them and competitive. It becomes about what they are thinking about me instead of what I am thinking about me. It detracts from my joy and my focus on the joy — because I am too worried about how I am being judged. Not because they are judging me, but because I can’t find the mental freedom to not to compare myself to them. I am no longer proud of my 14 minute mile…I am sad because I couldn’t match their 13 minute mile. I’m not celebrating my 3 sets of 12 lunges, but feeling bad I couldn’t do the fourth set - just like them. I lose the joy in the process and instead seek joy in being better then someone else. And because I am not as fit…there is no way for me to be the winner. So I am left with this disappointment… instead of joy…and that doesn’t help me reroute my brain.

I am trying really hard to stay focused on myself in group settings. I know it’s silly… but it’s like it takes so much energy for me to just exercise…adding having to exercise with someone else just adds additional obstacles.

And yet, it keeps happening. Over and over. And I know the universe is pushing me here because the time is here. I need to work on this. I need to feel comfortable with my body. I need to stretch myself and find that sharing the joy of working out DURING the process of exercising is more rich then sharing some arbitrary achievement in the safety conversation afterwards.

I’m missing out on bigger joy by denying that by exercising with others – there is greater joy to be found.

Do I believe that? Not yet.

Anyway….

It’s going to be harder as I want to compete. There is a group of women who are competing in the mini-triathalon in a couple days. I long to join them next year and compete with them – with no worries about how good they are versus how good I am. And yet… I can’t there. My best friend wants me to run with her. She’s uberfit and very supportive of me…. But I have huge mental hurdles to overcome there. I want to sign up for a 5K like Ben (he’s running his first 5K this weekend so go tell him good luck!), but my fear of coming in the bottom 50% are keeping me from signing up now. So I am living in the future…. When I will be fast enough, fit enough, lean enough and good enough to compete.

I have found that as I add more mileage… my running is changing. I am stronger, leaner, faster, and have more endurance. One can only hope that as I add working out with friends and in front of others to my training plan, that I will gain endurance in that mental arena too.

13.5 minute mile
Did 1.5 miles without walking
Did 3.1 miles total in 45:30 minutes.

Ok… just got back from my run. 3.1 miles (5K) in 49.03. I am giving up worrying about my heart rate for the time being. I don’t see that much of a difference between going slow and going faster… (faster being only a few points more but trust me in running… a few points is a big difference) Anyway… Im going to stop overthinking it until I can read more. I just need to log miles. It’s running not rocket science.

So today I ran 3 miles again. That makes my total this week 8 miles. Not bad! But today I had to take a nap this afternoon I was so tired. LOL I did my three miles today in less then 45 mins. Ok Ok. It was 44.53 mins . But hey! That’s an improvement even from Wednesday. I am sort of sad about the fact that I am doing 15 minute miles. I mean… I feel so freakin’ slow. Not my speed but my progress. I mean my speed is too…but I feel like I should be doing WAY better then this at this point. I feel like I should be doing more then what I am doing – both faster and with more endurance. In my head, I’m better then I really am. It’s like this grand illusion. Ha. Luckily, the illusion helps to keep me going.

Today at the gym a guy who is a “real runner” stopped me at the computer where I was entering my data and told me I’m doing a great job. I don’t know why that made me feel so good…but I guess since I worry about what other people are thinking of me as I shuffle along and he’s a “REAL RUNNER” it really made me feel good.

This running is so hard for me. On one of the forums I read, someone talked about how there has to be a mental shift. A shift from “Oh.My.God I can’t wait to walk” to “Oh.My.God I can’t wait to get to the running part again”. I tried to go there in my mind today and my mind screamed back at me to shut the hell up. I have also tried to not walk but simply slow myself to a slow jog for my recovery…but that doesn’t work either. It’s like I need someone to scream at me: DON’T WALK LAZY!

Honestly, I don’t seem to be in too much control when I am running. Everyone keeps talking about how their “mind just goes free” when they run. For me, that isnt’ happening so much. My mind is completely foscused on the fact how freaking slow time is moving, I am moving and can we make a little bit further.

I think this is what I like about running. It is something I am trying to master where I can’t manipulate my way to the top. It takes sheer discipline. There are no short cuts no matter how much I over anylze, over think or educate myself. I simply must be committed and keep practicing. I have no control other then those variables. That is unual for me – to feel out of control.

My frustration with the speed of my progress is something else all together. I honestly need to just be happy where I am. I mean there is even progress from my run on Wednesday. I made it a whole tenth of a mile FURTHER in the same time. That is progress. I couldn’t even walk this fast before and now I can. My resting heartrate when I am laying down is now in the 50’s. My cardiac recovery time is mucho faster. And I am in the best shape of my life right now. (Which isn’t saying much considering I was over 300 lbs for most of my adult life…but I’ll take it!) My bodyfat is also now lower then it has been EVER. I weigh more then I did after my plastic surgery but my body fat percentage is now lower. So there is progress. It’s just in my mind, I distort everything and don’t recognize it for what it is.

I don’t think I am going to run this weekend. Tomorrow, I think I’ll take my Yoga class and maybe do a short 20 mins on the elliptical to burn some calories.