Extraordinary Mundane

In yoga , it’s all about being present and feeling your body. For a girl who’s gone decades completely ignoring her body, it’s still very uncomfortable to have to answer someone when they ask me a question about my body. I realize that I am not really aware of it.

“Do you feel tightness?” (no I feel like I can’t move my body this way)

How does your skin feel? (huh?)

Feel your breath. (I feel out of breath and I hate these planks)

Feel. Feel. Feel. All that talk about feeling gives me the heebie jeebies.

How about think. Think I can do well. Feel. Not so much. I’m still discovering why I would even want to feel this body of mine. Feels old. That is how it feels.

And I dont like that there are simple things I can not do in Yoga. I obviously have ego issues.

And yes, I know… it’s a process. I am sure that me doing yoga right now is exactly what I need. I do know I feel better after doing it.

So — after yoga last night I swam ½ a mile. I stopped a little bit about halfway through for a 2 minute break. I was a bit tired, but not near like I was last week. I think even still, I am recovering from that freaking flu.

I wanted to go do something today but I just haven’t gotten up the gumption. I feel lazy today. I will tomorrow.

This morning I got up and came down stairs and my husband greeted me with the news that Noah was sick. I felt like I was going to cry. We just have had nonstop sickness in this house this winter. It has been so brutal. Dinara was sick during the beginning of the week and now Noah. But it got better. Around 9am he puked all over the floor. So yay! Fun for mommy. And sucks for poor Noah. He’s feeling a bit better but he’s obviously got what we all have had. Dinara on her on accord went upstairs today to read in her bed. (What did you do with my daughter?) And then fell asleep for 2 hours. So obviously… we are still trying to overcome sickness here. And mentally, these sickies are going to put me in the loonie bin.

Today is Emma’s birthday. She’s 11. I can’t believe she’s 11 of course. Every parent says that and it’s somewhat a cliché in a blog to say it. But it really seems like yesterday when I was bringing her home from the hospital.

I must go now… I still have that post on suffering rolling around in my head. I need to find time to put it into words. Maybe I’ll just write a few statements and break it up over time….

Ekhart Tolle talks about how many people define who they are by the roles they play. Mother, sister, friend, lover, computer analyst, retired person, fat girl, sickly, volunteer, athlete. But it’s not what you do that really defines you but rather who you are. Roles are simply something that defines the Ego. They are ego centric. It has no bearing on the formless “being”.

I want to remove the “human” part of being. Get it? Human Being? If I can get myself to just focus on the being… totally present with no roles.

Makes my palms sweat to think about it.

Hello. My name is Kym and I admit I am a doer. I love to do things and I do tend to define myself by the roles that I play and what I accomplish. I believe that Motherhood is one of the biggest definitions for me. I use that role as a priority setter by which I measure many of the other things I do.

Ekhart says:

You become most powerful in whatever you do if the action is performed for its own sake rather than as a means to protect, enhance, or conform to your role identity…. When you don’t play roles, it means there is no self (ego) in what you do. There is no secondary agenda: protection or strengthening of yourself.

I see myself doing this a lot. I totally define myself by what I do and I worry about how others are judging me for it. I am trying to strengthen myself by doing what I believe is important. I had a big discussion in my mommy group about the amount of stuff on my plate. People see me as high energy and an over achiever – but I don’t see myself that way. I see myself that I am doing pretty much what everyone else is doing (or less!). I just verbalize it in a very task orientated way. Honestly, peel a lot back and insecurity does drive many of my decisions.

Someone said to me… why not just be a volunteer instead of being on the PTA board? Why not just exercise instead of doing the Tri? Those are good questions I think. Why must I associate a goal with everything? Is this the way that I define myself? I currently do not feel good with the amount of things on my plate. I feel like I have to hit a bar. And not hitting the bar creates suffering.

I think the question for me is am I defining myself or am I worried that others are going to define me if I don’t do it myself? Meaning: I do all these things because I’m worried if I don’t have a slate of accomplishments I won’t be worthy. I think all this comes from the place that I don’t feel like I’m “enough”. I can probably draw a straight line about this all the way back to my child hood. And it probably explains my need for validation. I don’t need a lot of validation, but in the vacuum of relationships — if there is a long expanse of time with no recognition, validation, appreciation or communication — I tend to create my own reality. They hate me. They hate my work. They think I suck. They don’t care about me. I’m a loser. And the dark recesses of my mind can create some pretty creative scenarios.

So I am going to work on giving up defining myself both to myself and to others. I am going to give up this line of thinking because I believe that it’s based on the thought that “I am not enough”. When I talk about what I have even done on this blog… why? Why do that?

I’m trying to figure out right now what is ego and what is really me. The me without form. I want to reduce what I see as self-induced suffering. I have the power to change it.

Dinner tonight: Chicken Stir Fry (it was very unexciting - I think Im going to eat some chocolate to compensate)

Listening to:
I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing’s broken
No need to worry ’bout everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one…

6:45 Meditation
8:10 Kids to school
8:30-9:45 Coffee with friend
10:10 to 2:10 Work
2:15-2:50 Bank and pick up a bday present
3:00 Pick up kids
3:15-4:00 Digital final edits & communication
4:00 Math Tutoring and Homework
5:15 -6:15 Dinner (Chipoltes tonight)
7:00-8:15 YOGA
8:15-8:45 Swam 1/2 mile I think. Maybe less. I was tired and I lost count of my laps
8:50-9:10 Shower then home
9:15 Email and TV
11:00 BED

And yesterday I did strength training and we had Beef and Broccoli (homemade) for dinner.

I’m blogging early this morning. In the hopes that writing will bring productive clarity to my day.

As far as illness goes, I’m much improved. I’m not dead. I am still struggling a bit with congestion and fatigue, but I think I’ve been able to starve off any secondary infections. And I feel extremely lucky that my family was able to avoid catching this horrible Influenza. I’m now convinced that those “open containers” of contrast fluid I drank in the hospital for my CT were my downfall. Im sure lots of people in the waiting room who were there for chest films, contaminated me. Which just adds to my resolve to avoid doctors offices and hospitals at all costs during flu season.

Yesterday was one of those days where you feel like you should be accomplishing a lot, but you fell way short. But when I really look at what the day turned out to be, it was great. I woke up with Migraine which was related to some new medication my doctor put me on. I wont be taking it anymore. And then I proceeded to work on two digital scrapbooks that I am doing for a friend. I do love doing this sort of creative thing, but it’s more challenging when time is so short and I have felt like crap! So I was really pushing to get them finished under deadline. Imagine how devastated I was when a server glitch blew away ALL my work when I was 95% done. UGH! So I just put it away and am now sitting with the discomfort of knowing I lost DAYS of work…. And I have to simply do it again.

Then we went to the Seattle Children’s Theatre and saw The Hundred Dresses. The Play was great and we enjoyed it. The main take away from the play was ‘If kids are getting bullied and you choose to say nothing does that make you a party to the bully too?” So we had lots of great family conversations over dinner at the Cheesecake Factory on what it means to speak up – even when it’s easier not to. And let me just say… The Thai Lettuce Wraps at the Cheesecake Factory are to die for!

Then we went to the phone stores (AT&T and Verizon) to try to figure out what plan we need. Emma is getting a cell phone for her birthday so we are in the throes of trying to figure out all the logistics. In todays market… the last thing I want to be doing is upgrading our cell phone plan and cell phones. I loathe spending more money right now.

Then we came home and I was whipped. I should have done some laundry and cleaned up my kitchen but I was too tired. Instead me and the kids put on our jammies and watched Becoming Jane under the comfy cozy covers of my bed. My son eventually got kicked out because he thought tickling was more fun than the movie… but the rest of enjoyed it.

I would love to take today and just “veg” to be honest. But I will feel better when I get some of these to do items off my plate. The biggest to-do item for today is doing our taxes. I need to get them done and off to our accountant. I hate doing taxes.

Kids got up and got their baskets this morning. The big gift this year was a $50 bill. All the kids decided that they would rather have the money then the gift which worked out well for me. And they got a small basket of candy. Except Emma…who decided since went shopping with her friend yesterday morning at Limited Too that she would rather have extra money then candy.

I am hoping to start back in with exercise this week. I feel a bit weak and still sort of sickly, but I feel the clock starting to tick down and I need to engage. Monday and Friday I am going to strength train. Tuesday is Yoga and Swimming. And I need to fit in some walking and biking in this week. Maybe in the evenings.

My life has been feeling fairly balanced lately. I am spending quality time with my husband and kids – engaged in meaningful and mindful connections. I am meditating each day for at least 10 minutes. (sometimes more). I haven’t been exercising, but only because I am letting my body still heal from the flu. Friendships are still a bit tricky for me to balance but I am doing a lot of thinking there lately – and it’s all good and I feel like I’m on the right path. Work is going ok and I am accomplishing a lot in the part time hours I am working – including dealing with volunteer politics which can be challenging to deal with via instant messenger.

I do have another deep post I need to write on Eckhert Tolle…. The subject is on suffering and how that relates to parenting. Maybe I’ll get time for that this week. I am still loving that book. I still flip through it for thought provoking inspiration.

Well I started my day out with no temp and kept it at bay all morning. Now’s it back up at 100… but I still feel way better. I can tell Im on the “other side” of it now. And I dont mean dead. Which I thought could be a possibility at one point. My days have been get up, work, take a nap, make dinner, work again and then go back to bed. Hopefully, I’ll be able to break out this pattern soon.